Ficathon Entry - At The End...You Find The Beginning
Title: At The End...You Find The Beginning
Rating: PG
Summary: Cameron tries to move on but finds herself in an all too familiar place
Spoilers: Everything up to and including season four
A/N: I have also made some assumptions about the condition of House and Wilson's friendship in season five
This was written for the house_cameron ficathon. I was paired with enchanted_april and here were her requests:
List three things you don't want in your story:
1. Please limit new ducklings
2. Excessive angst
3. Chase/Cameron...the assumption that they're broken up is good enough for me.
List three things you want in your story:
1. A return to the House of season 1-2... arrogant but not over the top mean.
2. A Monster-Truck-esque situation
3. Slight angst followed by slight (but realistic) fluff
Mucho thanks to jesmel for her help and beta'ing services. :)
++++
House was first in line at the light as he waited, both feet balancing his weight while he mindlessly scanned his surroundings. Being detoured from his usual route and delayed in the congestion of a street fair wasn’t exactly what he was hoping for at seven o’clock on a Friday evening. Well, he assumed that’s what it was as the street was lined with parked cars, the air filled with the aroma of grilling sausages and funnel cakes. The sidewalks were busy with people; strollers, kids on bicycles, dogs on leashes and among the crowd, someone who looked a hell of a lot like his former immunologist…
He narrowed his eyes and focused in on the woman walking away from him half a block down the street and there was no doubt. He recognized that perky way she walked, especially in a pair of sneakers and he’d had plenty of experience watching that ass. Not that he’d had near enough chances to watch it in that pair of jeans though.
He watched her stride away and as the crowd ebbed and flowed he squinted a little harder as he watched the man walking beside her slip his hand loosely around her waist. An old yet still familiar feeling gripped at the back of his neck and clenched at his jaw until it was rudely punctuated by the moron behind him honking his horn and urging him to ‘get a move on’.
He fumbled awkwardly to kick his bike in gear then twisted back on the throttle with just a little more enthusiasm that he’d intended, leaving a streak of rubber on the pavement and drawing the attention of a handful of onlookers. One of them being the man attached to Cameron’s hip. House made a point of observing everyone on staff at the hospital. From the night shift janitors to the chairman of the board but this guy didn’t fit anywhere in between. He was tall and slender with his dark hair fringing below the baseball cap tipped loosely on the top of his head. He attentively leaned in Cameron’s direction as if trying to hear her voice over the busy crowd.
Suddenly aware that he was holding up traffic as he gawked, he pulled back on the throttle again dangerously finding an escape route between the traffic and parked cars. This was definitely not the way to start the weekend. When he finally found the end of the marked detour, he impulsively turned left from the right hand lane feeling the need for a ride in the country.
House knew he was kidding himself to think that Cameron didn’t see men outside of the hospital, but you can’t be jealous of what you don’t know - thank god. And of course there had been Chase, but that felt different. While the very idea of Chase being allowed to touch her grated at him like fingernails on a chalkboard, he knew it wouldn’t last. So he learned to distract himself by watching for it to go up in flames and of course eventually it had. It hadn’t been the public display of humiliation that he’d worked out in his own mind but it would do.
He hit the city limits and opened it up. He closed his eyes only for a moment while he felt his thoughts slip into a place that he’d kept at a distance for months now. Back to those rare occasions when it was just the two of them in the quiet of the lab or in his office after everyone had gone for the night. When her whole face would brighten with just the slightest of smiles and her eyes would linger expectedly on him. When he found himself feeling just safe enough it give her a little piece of himself and while she took it graciously, he knew she was looking for just a little bit more.
He knew he should have tried harder the night that she tendered her resignation. He remembered it like it was yesterday. The way she looked at him…touched him. All it would have taken was a handful of words, genuine ones, and maybe she would have stayed. If he couldn’t let himself have her at least he could have her around him. But now he didn’t even have that. His thoughts went briefly to Wilson then he realized what little he had outside of medicine had gone to hell right in front of him.
++++
House’s weekend had turned into nothing more than an inebriated haze and Monday afternoon found him stepping out of the elevator and into the orchestrated chaos of the Emergency Room. The harsh florescent lighting and the cold white concrete walls and tile floors made the ER unique from any other area of the hospital. The name of the game here was turn over. Push them out the door at a quicker pace than what they came in. It still surprised him that Cameron had lasted this long. Of course he was certain she had made it her quest to change all of that; to make the ER a kinder, gentler place. But there simply was nothing kind or gentle about bloody vomit spattered on the floor, kids wailing and addicts more concerned about their next hit than the gunshot wound in their stomach.
He stepped into the corridor, out of the way, and leaned against the wall scanning the room for her. He didn’t know why he was even there. He just did this sometimes and today it might have been more his curiosity than anything else that had him seeking her out at his first opportunity.
Eventually he spotted her when the curtain shrouding bed number four flung open, revealing a middle-aged man curled up on his side, moaning and holding his groin. He watched as she made notes on his chart and gave instructions to the orderly standing by. Her eyes shifted up to the young man taking instruction, making sure he understood. Then with a kind touch on the arm, she assured him it was likely just a kidney stone but they’d know for sure after he’d been to radiology and that the pain medication should be taking affect shortly.
As the gurney passed in front of her, she returned to the chart, writing a few more notes, then flipped it closed and looked up to unexpectedly catch House’s eyes. He’d come to expect his appearance in the ER to brighten her features and prompt an instant half-grin before she finished what needed her immediate attention then walked over to verbally spar with him. But that wasn’t the reaction he was greeted with. She held his eyes only for a moment before stoically returning them to the folder in front of her, walking it to the nurses’ station, then pulling the next one from the top of the stack.
He kept watching as she introduced herself to her next patient. Once the niceties were over and she was about to examine what he’d already diagnosed as a severe sulfa allergy, he limped over to the bed and snatched the chart out of her hands, scolding her, "C’mon Dr Cameron. You don’t need this," holding it behind his back teasingly as he ignored the quizzical and startled look on the patient’s face.
"House…" she drew out in a monotone acknowledgment of his presence, finally holding his eyes for more than just a glance.
"Immunology 101," then he looked at her patient and jerked his head in Cameron’s direction, "she’s an immunologist," enunciating slowly to emphasize the connection he was trying to make.
Noting the confusion on her patient’s face, Cameron explained, "This is Dr House. Head of Diagnostics," then her kind expression faded as she purposefully turned back in his direction, "and he won’t be your attending today."
Something struck House at that moment. He knew and had mentally catalogued all of her looks, but something was different about this one. It lacked the sense of warmness that she’d never been able to hide from him, even behind her genuinely pissed off glares. He would have easily settled for pissed now but instead it was…indifferent, and he suddenly felt strangely awkward. His eyes flicked back to the patient, off balance and not knowing what to do or say next.
His fingers gripping uncomfortably around his cane, he turned back to Cameron, "It’s a sulfa reaction," he conceded with forced arrogance.
She raised her eyebrows and reached for the chart still hiding behind his back and answered flatly, "I know."
He held her eyes still searching for it but it wasn’t there, so eventually he handed her the chart, offered a single resigned nod and walked away.
Cameron paused for a moment as her heart sank. It hadn’t really surprised her that he’d conveniently shown up. She’d seen his bike flying down the street over the weekend and thought it strange when Bryan then asked if she knew who it was. When she questioned him, he just shook his head distractedly and continued with what he’d been saying. Even though it felt pretentious, she’d somewhat prepared herself for some kind of altercation with him as a result. Of course, knowing House, it would be about something obtuse like how it was somehow her fault that they stopped offering everything bagels in the hospital cafeteria. That she was used to, but she hadn’t expected him to react quite like he did.
She hadn’t intended to be so cold towards him but…damn it, House. As long as he lurked on the fringes of her life, showing up and toying with her whenever it damn well pleased him, Cameron knew she was always going to hold that little bit of herself back for him. She knew that truly given the choice, she’d always choose him. She knew how unfair that was. And now that she was seeing Bryan, that truth poked at her with increasing annoyance. So Cameron watched as he limped away, and she let him.
It took until he’d made his way back to his office before he allowed what happened to sink in and turn to a sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach.
If pushing her away was his goal, it appeared he was dangerously close to achieving it. But it wasn’t. It never had been. Keeping her at arm’s length maybe, where it was safe...for both of them, but not so far that she wouldn’t keep coming back. He needed her to keep coming back. Then suddenly he found himself trying to extinguish relentless visions of Cameron with whomever-he-was.
He dropped into his chair and rested his elbows heavily on his desk, absently turning the amber Vicodin bottle over and over in his hand. He stared at the cylinder while all he could hear was the sound of the pills tumbling end over end. His thoughts became numb other than the notion that he’d finally gotten exactly what he’d deserved and finding that the truth was much harder to accept than he’d ever expected it would be.
++++
Cameron had spotted House’s bike still in the parking lot and now against all rationale, she found herself leaning apprehensively against the door leading to his office, her arms crossed in front of her. On her way, she’d noticed Taub hunched over a microscope in the lab then glanced through the glass wall to see the white board half-filled with theories and symptoms, all explaining why he was still here.
House was lying on the floor behind his desk, eyes closed and headphones on. The light coming through the blinds had faded just enough that the room was becoming dark and she suspected he’d been there long enough that he hadn’t noticed, or more likely didn’t care.
She was tired from a long shift in the ER and honestly wondered what the hell she was doing there. But she found herself there nonetheless, unable to shake what had happened that afternoon. She took a deep breath and tried to remind herself that after four years he hadn’t really left her with any other choice, then she hated all over again that she hadn’t just left Princeton when she’d had the opportunity.
Only rarely had she seen what she noticed earlier. Once being when she turned in her resignation and the way he looked at her truly dumfounded with confusion and disbelief, the way he uncharacteristically had nothing to say. Cameron often wondered that if he’d had the nerve to look at her three years ago as she stood determined but terrified in his living room, if she might have seen the same thing.
She closed her eyes and almost turned to leave wondering how many times was she going to let herself do this.
Cameron had been staring aimlessly into the conference room, unaware that House had noticed her standing there. But as soon as she acknowledged him with a quick twitch of a half-crooked grin, he closed his eyes and returned to his music.
"What are you doing here?" he asked, his voice gravely and breaking the silence. Cameron was unexpectedly caught off guard by the bluntness of his question. Probably because she still didn’t have an answer and was beginning more and more to believe that turning up here hadn’t been the wisest of choices.
"I have no idea," Cameron replied with a cautious chuckle that faded then it was quiet between them again.
"I see," House finally mumbled, apparently distracted by his music.
Agitated, Cameron had just about convinced herself to go when he removed his earphones and arduously pulled himself into his chair.
"No date tonight?" he questioned nonchalantly.
Cameron blinked at him, now confident that he had seen her with Bryan at the street fair that evening. When she didn’t respond, he grabbed his cane and stood up, limping his way over to her. Cameron felt her heart begin to race in that way it always did when he invaded her space, regardless of how much she tried to control it by convincing herself that she didn’t care for him.
"No actually," she answered with a weak attempt at defiance. He’d stepped only close enough for her to see the deep blue of his eyes searching hers in the darkening room. She couldn’t force herself to hide for a second time that day. She’d never wanted to hide at all. Now, standing there in front of him, she tried to remember how she’d ever convinced herself that she should as she felt her eyes soften.
He leaned heavily on his cane and shoved his free hand into the pocket of his jeans, "Not allowed to date on school nights?"
"Something like that," she shrugged quietly.
They stood there for what was only seconds but it felt longer until House finally broke into the increasingly awkward moment, "And you don’t know why you’re here." It wasn’t really a question.
Exasperated, Cameron gripped her arms tighter around her chest and her eyes shifted away and back into the conference room. She huffed out a quick breath, shaking her head slightly then found his eyes again. Why the hell was she the one always taking the next step? She was right. Nothing was ever going to change.
She noticed his eyes slightly narrow at her, as if trying to predict her next move. Then she turned away and with resigned defeat she finally admitted, "I thought maybe I did, but I was wrong." She shrugged her bag heavily over her shoulder and walked away from him. The further she got the angrier she became at him and then at herself for ending up in this place yet again.
She tossed her bag into the passenger’s seat of her car then got in and closed the door. She rested her head back and closed her eyes wondering when she was finally going to manage to break this cycle, then mentally flicked through the handful of options she had that involved getting away from Princeton. She unzipped her bag and searched for her cell phone. She knew it was for all the wrong reasons, but she scrolled through her recent calls list until she found Bryan’s number. Then already on edge, she was startled when her screen suddenly displayed ‘House’ and her tone sounded.
The frustration in her allowed a sarcastic blurt of laughter as she looked at her phone and the options displayed on the screen; accept or reject. Her finger rested on ‘accept’ as she took a deep breath and resolved to leave simply because she didn’t have it in her to select the other option. Depressing the button, she silently lifted the phone to her ear. Her body deflated and she sunk back into her seat, eyes closed and her head back again as she listed to the silence.
"Do you like monster trucks?" he finally asked.
Cameron’s only response was a hardly audible, "uuh," as she opened her eyes and furrowed her brow in the darkness of her car.
"This is the part where you tell me you don’t know what they are. Keep up Cameron," his attempt at humor noticeably forced. Cameron’s thoughts became disjointed as she slowly allowed herself to believe what it was that he was attempting to do.
"I don’t know what they are?" she questioned, still a little confused and hesitant to play along.
"I have two tickets."
Cameron, still unsure, lifted her head and gave a quiet snicker, "Really?"
"No," was his short but sober answer and then the line was silent again.
"How cool would that be though huh?" His usual confidence was still absent from his voice.
"It was fun wasn’t it…" Cameron’s hand gripped her forehead then rubbed over her tired eyes. When he got quiet again, she continued earnestly, "That was a long time ago." Then more silence.
"What do you want, House?" Her voice was weak and what little energy she had for this was quickly draining away.
"No ties and no Freudian theories."
"Good," she laughed nervously. She’d never quite forgiven herself for that and the very thought of it still made her uncomfortable, but strange feeling of warmth poured over her at his vivid memory of so long ago.
"Do you like Blue Man Group?"
"I don’t know who they are," Cameron felt a smile tease at the corner of her mouth.
"Perfect."
++++
Cameron laughed an amazed ‘wow’ as they walked out of the university coliseum and down the sidewalk. House hadn’t told her that even he didn’t know quite what to expect. He’d only heard Kutner going on about them and it was the first thing that came to his mind when he’d picked up the phone that night she’d come to his office and he’d hoped she’d never heard of them. He turned to her and grinned, pleased with her enthusiasm.
She turned to see him watching her, "You know that just might rival monster trucks." She lifted her eyebrows, almost daring him to disagree.
He turned ahead and scoffed, "That’s blasphemy." But she only responded with a wide and genuine smile that he could feel lingering thoughtfully on him for a moment before she turned back to the sidewalk in front of them.
They walked silently for a while then Cameron, with her hands shoved into the pockets of her jeans, asked, "So was this like," then she paused, "a date?"
A slightly nervous but still sarcastic laugh ‘no’ escaped him then he thought for a moment before he said, "I picked you up and took you to a public place, and I’ll probably drive you home…"
Cameron interrupted, chuckling, "Good…" making him turn to her quickly then back again.
He continued, "I might walk you to your door and I’ll definitely agree to come in when you invite me…"
He glanced over finding her listening intently, eyes forward and nodding in a mockingly thoughtful kind of way.
"Sounds a lot like a date to me," she turned to him and grinned.
He turned forward and shoved his hand into his jeans, "But it’s not a date."
He glanced over at her quickly, thankful that she wasn’t watching him any longer, "I suck at that stuff," he forced out. Then he thought about seeing Cameron on the street that evening and the feeling of her slipping through his hands, then finally offered, "Maybe we can just skip all that."
He felt Cameron turn to him, but he kept his eyes straight ahead. He really didn’t want to talk about this; what it was or what it wasn’t. She shrugged and answered with a nonchalant, "Works for me," and suddenly he felt some of the tension drain from his body and then wished that everything could be as simple as that.
"Whatever this is, you definitely don’t suck at it," Cameron said genuinely. She hooked her hand softly around his arm as they continued down the sidewalk. Her touch surprised him and he hoped it didn’t show. When her fingers moved down his forearm then just inside the pocket of his jeans, he pulled his hand out and she quickly took hold of it and slid her fingers between his. Neither of them turned to look at the other. It had been a long time since he’d simply held a woman’s hand. Cameron’s was tiny and it felt good inside his.
House knew that there was a long list of things that he sucked at, many of them Cameron already knew. But still she’d turned up in his office that night, even after four years of his shit. And he was glad that she did.