(Untitled)

[mjisinbflo]

 Title: I Told You So
Rating: PG
Pairing: Joe Thornton/Jonathan Cheechoo
Word count: 521
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything. If I did I wouldn’t be here =)
Summary: Joe needs space, Jon gives it to him

Mine

Comments

Trying out this idea of real ConCrit...

[zdarovyeh]

Although I love the idea of this pairing (and have written it, too!) and the premise that their relationship is pretty broken...this sadly didn't do it for me, mostly because Cheech's mindset comes off, to me, like the abused SO who thinks they're the only one who understands his partner and will take someone back no matter how poorly they're treated. And I have to think Cheech has more self-respect than that.

There were a few grammar wobbles that detracted from my reading enjoyment, as well, but I don't apply the red pen unasked. :)

Re: Trying out this idea of real ConCrit...

[mjisinbflo]

well thank you for the comment <3
i guess I was trying to make it seem more like they were guys, because i'm sick of fics where the guys are like "OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!" cause guys aren't like that, and i wanted them to seem insecure and stuff.

Re: Trying out this idea of real ConCrit...

[zdarovyeh]

I'm glad you made the attempt to do that, at least! Because I agree (well, to an extent, since I have a pairing doing exactly that, no matter how much it makes me gag sometimes *eyes them balefully*).

Joe does come off as being insecure, at least insomuch as not being able to handle Cheech not treating him like he expects, but this Cheech seems the exact opposite--incredibly secure in himself and his knowledge of Joe. If he was insecure, I would've expected him to get mad back at Joe when he was physically manhandling him. Lines, and lines crossed. Make sense?