(no subject)
Title: Heartache Every Moment
Chapter Title: No Way
Author: slasher48 /
bad_bad_books
Rating: PG
Pairing: Max/Tom still :)
Disclaimer: Nope. they're not mine.
Hmm
OMG
Max's POV
I can feel my heart trying to bust its way through my chest as I hear the words Jason speaks. Without even consciously thinking about it, I'm dressed and all the lights in my house are off. I'm in my car before Jason even hangs up. I know what's wrong with him but I don't know if I'm allowed to tell anyone about his panic attacks, so secret they were when he told me.
Standing in his room over his limp body, I bite my lip against the tears. If I lose him, I'll go insane. He's like my soulmate and without him, I'm not me anymore. I'll lose touch with all of reality and everything I hold dear if I have to live the rest of life without him there.
I watch with wet eyes as two bulky guys grab him and hurl him onto a stretcher, then wheel him out of the hotel and into an ambulance. His body can't handle panic attacks anymore, he's said to me, the words of his doctor, not himself, and he worries every time that he freaks out about something, scared he might not live to see the next day, which doesn't help trying to calm himself down. Now I know how he feels. I'm surprised I don't pass out myself from stress, so scared am I for him.
I try to keep my eyes off him in the ambulance. He looks so pale, almost blue, from lack of oxygen I guess, and I miss the color in his cheeks and lips. He blushes easily, he's always told me, and I wish I could think of something embarrassing enough for him to wake up and turn that pretty pink he does and glare at me, even jokingly. At least I'd know he was okay.
When we're in the waiting room, I sit far away from Jay, Danny, and Ryan, not wanting to hear them offer their condolences before he's even gone. With my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands, eyes closed against the ugly lilac decor of the room, I have nothing to do but think.
So I do. I think. I wonder, ponder, and examine myself, and I start to see things I haven't before.
My constant little touches aren't innocent. I want to touch him because I want to see his reaction, and I want that reaction to be good, to include pleasure and happiness. It feels a lot like the only thing I ever want out of life is his happiness. Oh shit...I...I like him.
No...I love him. I'm in love with Tommy, crazily, undoubtedly, and irrevocably in love, and there's not a thing I can do about it. It's taken this much to make me aware of it, but I've always been, since the first time I met him.
It does explain a lot, like why I turn red when his hands get near my navel, one of my erogenous zones, or why I'm always ignoring everyone else for him, or why I absolutely refuse to share strawberry ice cream....except with him.
But the balloon of joy in my chest is suddenly popped like a pin had been taken to it as I note that I haven't seen anything like that from him. He...he doesn't want me back, I realize, and a momentous crushing pain smashes my heart into pieces. I'm doomed to forever pine for him while he's oblivious, because to tell him would be disastrous.
I'd lose the amount of trust I have with him if I told him I wanted to jump his bones and fuck him up against a locker somewhere, then cuddle and have pillow talk with him afterward, I'm sure of it. He's not even gay.
But how could I possibly not tell him? I mean, he's Tommy! I tell him everything and he does the same with me. Something as big as this would slowly kill me, keeping it from him.
I sigh and draw myself up as the only clear solution appears in my mind. I have to end our friendship, to remove myself from him before I get even more attached than I already am. The thought makes me want to curl into a corner and die, but it's the only way to save myself the heartache of his anger when he finds out my secret. If I'm not friends with him, I won't have to tell him, and he won't be able to tell me how horrible I am for feeling that way.
I can feel the tears rising to my eyes but I shake my head, blinking them away angrily. I won't cry, not now, not in front of a whole hospital.
The nurse comes in an hour later and tells us he's awake now. I swallow hard and resign myself to the worst, following three of my teammates into his room.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sorry bout the wait, there was a huge storm and my power went out at around the time I told you I'd post...but it's here now, right? Leave some love :)
Chapter Title: No Way
Author: slasher48 /
bad_bad_books
Rating: PG
Pairing: Max/Tom still :)
Disclaimer: Nope. they're not mine.
Hmm
OMG
Max's POV
I can feel my heart trying to bust its way through my chest as I hear the words Jason speaks. Without even consciously thinking about it, I'm dressed and all the lights in my house are off. I'm in my car before Jason even hangs up. I know what's wrong with him but I don't know if I'm allowed to tell anyone about his panic attacks, so secret they were when he told me.
Standing in his room over his limp body, I bite my lip against the tears. If I lose him, I'll go insane. He's like my soulmate and without him, I'm not me anymore. I'll lose touch with all of reality and everything I hold dear if I have to live the rest of life without him there.
I watch with wet eyes as two bulky guys grab him and hurl him onto a stretcher, then wheel him out of the hotel and into an ambulance. His body can't handle panic attacks anymore, he's said to me, the words of his doctor, not himself, and he worries every time that he freaks out about something, scared he might not live to see the next day, which doesn't help trying to calm himself down. Now I know how he feels. I'm surprised I don't pass out myself from stress, so scared am I for him.
I try to keep my eyes off him in the ambulance. He looks so pale, almost blue, from lack of oxygen I guess, and I miss the color in his cheeks and lips. He blushes easily, he's always told me, and I wish I could think of something embarrassing enough for him to wake up and turn that pretty pink he does and glare at me, even jokingly. At least I'd know he was okay.
When we're in the waiting room, I sit far away from Jay, Danny, and Ryan, not wanting to hear them offer their condolences before he's even gone. With my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands, eyes closed against the ugly lilac decor of the room, I have nothing to do but think.
So I do. I think. I wonder, ponder, and examine myself, and I start to see things I haven't before.
My constant little touches aren't innocent. I want to touch him because I want to see his reaction, and I want that reaction to be good, to include pleasure and happiness. It feels a lot like the only thing I ever want out of life is his happiness. Oh shit...I...I like him.
No...I love him. I'm in love with Tommy, crazily, undoubtedly, and irrevocably in love, and there's not a thing I can do about it. It's taken this much to make me aware of it, but I've always been, since the first time I met him.
It does explain a lot, like why I turn red when his hands get near my navel, one of my erogenous zones, or why I'm always ignoring everyone else for him, or why I absolutely refuse to share strawberry ice cream....except with him.
But the balloon of joy in my chest is suddenly popped like a pin had been taken to it as I note that I haven't seen anything like that from him. He...he doesn't want me back, I realize, and a momentous crushing pain smashes my heart into pieces. I'm doomed to forever pine for him while he's oblivious, because to tell him would be disastrous.
I'd lose the amount of trust I have with him if I told him I wanted to jump his bones and fuck him up against a locker somewhere, then cuddle and have pillow talk with him afterward, I'm sure of it. He's not even gay.
But how could I possibly not tell him? I mean, he's Tommy! I tell him everything and he does the same with me. Something as big as this would slowly kill me, keeping it from him.
I sigh and draw myself up as the only clear solution appears in my mind. I have to end our friendship, to remove myself from him before I get even more attached than I already am. The thought makes me want to curl into a corner and die, but it's the only way to save myself the heartache of his anger when he finds out my secret. If I'm not friends with him, I won't have to tell him, and he won't be able to tell me how horrible I am for feeling that way.
I can feel the tears rising to my eyes but I shake my head, blinking them away angrily. I won't cry, not now, not in front of a whole hospital.
The nurse comes in an hour later and tells us he's awake now. I swallow hard and resign myself to the worst, following three of my teammates into his room.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sorry bout the wait, there was a huge storm and my power went out at around the time I told you I'd post...but it's here now, right? Leave some love :)