Sweet Valley Twins #113: The Boyfriend Game
Okay, in honour of Valentine's Day (a day in which so-called romantic deeds are done by men involuntarily to make shallow women happy), I shall recap the two-book SVT arc that is in honour of this important day. Gag.
The cover so doesn't actually happen as depicted. The boys are kept behind a curtain with magic microphones that alter their voices. Weird how all the boys look the same. It's meant to be Bruce, Winston and Todd, but I don't know who is who. Jessica is blindfolded, posing as Elizabeth. Hence the fugly scrunchie.
We open with dialogue (shocking!), as Elizabeth is showing the front page of the Sixers to Donald Zwerdling, yet another nerd stereotype. Elizabeth thinks he's nice, but "definitely no Todd". I guess that means he settles fights with words, not punches.
Anyway, it's been a slow news week for the Sixers. Maybe because expecting to get a week's worth of news from the SIXTH GRADERS is ridiculous. I always expect the Sixers to be 2 pages long. Like anyone actually cares. Stories include an article (with photo) about the new gym lockers, and articles about the changes in the cafeteria menu and the janitor's spring cleaning plans. It's lucky the newspaper is free. Why don't they just skip an issue if there's nothing to report?
Anyway, Jess comes running in with news- she's just overheard it in detention! The idea of detention sets off the "idential-but-oh-so-different" spiel. Blah. Jess's news is that Young Love, a teen dating show is looking for a middle school in the Sweet Valley area to be featured on the show! GASP. Why do they want a middle school on the show? Why not a high school? No one cares if twelve-year-olds get a dream date except twelve-year-olds, and they're not the hugest audience. Turns out everyone in school watches this show, even the boys- but of course they only watch it when their older sisters turn it on. The show offers cool prizes to the winning couples. Donald's favourite was the trip to the candle-making factory. Come on. I know he's a nerd, but NO TWELVE-YEAR-OLD would prefer that to going to Hawaii or something. Anyway, the prize this time is a trip to Dizzy Planet, California's newest and coolest theme park! WOWZA. Lila went to Dizzy Planet on the first day and has been bragging ever since, so Jess wants to shut her up. I wouldn't go to an amusement park on the FIRST DAY. They don't know if the rides are going to work!
The schools entering the competition have to have a photo of the pupils, to show the hotness size of the student body, and they need to submit an essay on their awesomeness. Elizabeth takes the photo, and has to do it on three separate occasions because Jessica, Lila and Janet keep fucking it up.
Pretty much all the clubs at school end up writing an essay, including the Unicorn Club. *snicker* Theirs is badly misspelled thanks to their dictionary- her name is Janet Howell. She fails English. Oh, and life.
To sort out which essay is the best to be submitted, the principal organises a committee to decide- Elizabeth, Mandy Miller, Denny Jacobsen, Cammi Adams, and Tom "Future Token Gay" McKay.
The essays are useless- the chess club's entry talks about the 'strategy' of love and bunch of chess-related metaphors, the drama club's says "Lights! Camera! Action! We have just the cast for you here at Sweet Valley Middle School!", the sports teams' entry is raping misquoting Shakespeare and saying SVMS is the best at everything, and the exchange students' entry says a bunch of stuff about SVMS in different languages. They might be compliments, but may be insults. I'd insult, personally.
The funniest one is the science club's entry. It's like a thesis paper with lots of big words and boring info about SVMS, explaining how SVMS has students from a wide variety of backgrounds and socioeconomic groups- oh the lies. The lies make baby Jesus cry. Socioeconomic groups? Name me someone other than Sophia Rizzo who's not rich and white in SVT!
Anyway, their whole essay is stereotypically smart (no way do a bunch of 12-year-olds know this stuff), until Donald adds a love poem at the end, which I will reprint here:
The thought of love and romance makes me dizzy in the heart,
And a trip to Dizzy Planet makes romantic feelings start.
Appearing on the Young Love show would be my dearest wish...
And then Peter Burns comes up with the last line, which is:
Being chosen for your show would be better than getting a brand-new satellite dish.
Who the fuck is this kid's English teacher?
After reading all the essays, the committee can't pick a winner- they all suck equally, I guess. Until Saint Liz has a brainwave- send them all in on a poster with the photo to show Sweet Valley's diversity! Of course the principal loves the idea.
All this was pointless anyway, because of course SVMS is chosen. Kids sign their names up to be a contestant (someone who picks their dream date), a candidate (someone who is a possible dream date for a contestant) and an audience member.
Liz is a contestant, Jess is a candidate. They are forbidden to tell anyone what their statuses are, or their whole schol will be disqualified, but Jess can so tell what everyone is. Janet's being super-smug, so she's a contestant. Lila's all grumpy, so she's only in the audience, HAHA.
Jess is watching Young Love, perving on the hot host Byron Miller (related to Mandy, at all?) and trying to get an idea of what contestants like in a girl. Turns out they like honesty and sincerity. Drat. So off Jess goes to get a lesson in honesty from Saint Liz, who recommends she always tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. How boring. I'm so glad I'm not Liz's friend.
I don't really get how Dizzy Planet is so expensive that no one in Sweet Valley has been there. They're all rich brats.
Amy invited Liz to come over and watch Young Love, but Liz was busy doing maths problems. How is she considered cool? I really don't get it. My little sister likes maths, but you wouldn't catch her skipping friend time to stay home and do problems unless she had an exam the next day. Anyway, Amy mentions how the host Byron kept teasing the contestants, and Liz gets nervous. What if Byron teases her? Scary! She's figured out that Jess is only a candidate, so she suggests to Jess that the two of them trade places. Jessica is stoked- she's guaranteed a trip to Dizzy Planet. Plus she can flirt with Byron on the set! Maybe he'll invite her to be his co-host! He's even cuter than Aaron!
Lila's suggesting her dad's going to take her to the Caribbean, in a desperate attempt to draw attention back to her. We still love you Lila!
Sophia and her boyfriend Patrick are trying to rig the game show so they end up together. Conveniently Patrick is a contestant and Sophia is a candidate. They're trying to be all stealth and whatnot so no one knows they're cheating, but they go waaay over the top- hiding behind trees, not being seen together. Coz a boyfriend and girlfriend eating lunch together is soooo suspicious. Sophia organises a secret question: "What's your favourite food?" Sophia's secret answer will be "Poetry, for woman does not live by bread alone." Subtle. But Patrick is too worried about spies watching them to pay proper attention. Sophia gets frustrated, but it's too late. It's now or never.
It's the day of taping, and everyone's at the studio. Jess and Liz have traded places, and really suck at pretending to be each other, but no one notices. I bet everyone just ignores the twins all the time anyway and they just don't realise. Janet calls Liz!Jess a nerd, which is so accurate. Math problems before Amy, indeed. No wonder Amy ditches her in high school. Oh, and Enid/Alexandra. Heh.
Liz!Jess is so flustered by the lights and Byron's hotness that she makes a dick of herself. The real Liz is backstage, cringing at this humiliation. I don't see why they can't reshoot stuff. Is this thing seriously live? WTF? nyway, after three lame questions (her final question is "Who thinks Byron Miller is the most romantic man on TV?"), Liz!Jess picks Todd over Bruce and Winston, and is pretty happy about it. The real Elizabeth is hurt. Does Jessica really want to date Todd??
Of course she doesn't. She'd much rather have Byron.
A couple more contestants have their turns, and then Jess!Liz goes on with Ellen and Amy, and discovers that their contestant is Aaron Dallas. Liz doesn't want to get a date with Aaron, because it will hurt jess, so she makes her answers as dumb as possible. Which is hard when you're against Ellen. To make the world a cooler place, she would donate the makeup she never uses to people who don't have any, so the world would look a lot better. Heh. She should go to Africa and get her breasts to tell her when it's raining. Anyway, Aaron picks Amy of course, whose answers were halfway normal and Jess!Liz suddenly clicks that if she'd answered the questions normally, she would have been picked and the twins could have swapped back and ended up with their boys. But no. Liz was stupid, and Jess is PISSED.
Janet is so busy flirting with Byron during her turn that she doesn't pay attention to her candidates and ends up picking supernerd Donald Zwerdling. Ha ha. When she sees him, she's like "Whaaaa?" and the camera zooms in on her. Sweet sweet karma.
Finally, it's Patrick's turn, and Sophia is in his group with Maria Slater and Jennifer Norris. Sophia's waiting anxiously for the code question, but Patrick says "What do you like best about poetry?" That's not right, you twat! Sophia thinks fast and says "I love everything about poetry. Because after all, woman can't live by bread alone." She doesn't think it makes any sense, but I think it makes as much sense as her original secret answer. Unfortunately, Maria's answer is "A life without poetry is like bread without butter." Apparently its a line from one of her awful old movies, but more importantly, it mentions bread! GASP.
Jennifer's answer is "I love how it can be so romantic. This is my favourite bit of poetry: 'A Book of Verses underneath the Bough, A jug of Wine, a Loaf of Bread, and Thou.' "
I highly doubt bitch has read the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam. I think the ghostie just did a google search for poems that mention bread.
Even I didn't read it til I was fifteen, and I love that freaking book. I have a really old edition with gorgeous pictures and everything, with two different translations. It's beautiful.
Okay, well, Patrick's between a rock and a hard place, and ends up picking candidate number two- Maria! Maria's stoked and thinks Patrick picked her coz he liked her answers. Sophia is pretty upset.
All the winning couples pose for a photo, but Aaron is busy making fun of Jessica's performance, not realising it was actually Liz. Jessica is seething. She starts arguing with Liz, Sophia yells at Patrick, Janet's fighting with the producer about being stuck with Donald, and Amy fights with Aaron. Liz wants to go tell Byron the truth, but Jess reminds her that the schooll Valentine's Day Dance with be taken away. Liz doesn't want to ruin everything for everybody, so she stays quiet. For now...
What's going to happen next? Is Jessica in for a wilder ride than she expected? Wait for the second book in this two-part series, The Boyfriend Mess, the recap of which I shall post in time for Valentine's Day!
The cover so doesn't actually happen as depicted. The boys are kept behind a curtain with magic microphones that alter their voices. Weird how all the boys look the same. It's meant to be Bruce, Winston and Todd, but I don't know who is who. Jessica is blindfolded, posing as Elizabeth. Hence the fugly scrunchie.
We open with dialogue (shocking!), as Elizabeth is showing the front page of the Sixers to Donald Zwerdling, yet another nerd stereotype. Elizabeth thinks he's nice, but "definitely no Todd". I guess that means he settles fights with words, not punches.
Anyway, it's been a slow news week for the Sixers. Maybe because expecting to get a week's worth of news from the SIXTH GRADERS is ridiculous. I always expect the Sixers to be 2 pages long. Like anyone actually cares. Stories include an article (with photo) about the new gym lockers, and articles about the changes in the cafeteria menu and the janitor's spring cleaning plans. It's lucky the newspaper is free. Why don't they just skip an issue if there's nothing to report?
Anyway, Jess comes running in with news- she's just overheard it in detention! The idea of detention sets off the "idential-but-oh-so-different" spiel. Blah. Jess's news is that Young Love, a teen dating show is looking for a middle school in the Sweet Valley area to be featured on the show! GASP. Why do they want a middle school on the show? Why not a high school? No one cares if twelve-year-olds get a dream date except twelve-year-olds, and they're not the hugest audience. Turns out everyone in school watches this show, even the boys- but of course they only watch it when their older sisters turn it on. The show offers cool prizes to the winning couples. Donald's favourite was the trip to the candle-making factory. Come on. I know he's a nerd, but NO TWELVE-YEAR-OLD would prefer that to going to Hawaii or something. Anyway, the prize this time is a trip to Dizzy Planet, California's newest and coolest theme park! WOWZA. Lila went to Dizzy Planet on the first day and has been bragging ever since, so Jess wants to shut her up. I wouldn't go to an amusement park on the FIRST DAY. They don't know if the rides are going to work!
The schools entering the competition have to have a photo of the pupils, to show the hotness size of the student body, and they need to submit an essay on their awesomeness. Elizabeth takes the photo, and has to do it on three separate occasions because Jessica, Lila and Janet keep fucking it up.
Pretty much all the clubs at school end up writing an essay, including the Unicorn Club. *snicker* Theirs is badly misspelled thanks to their dictionary- her name is Janet Howell. She fails English. Oh, and life.
To sort out which essay is the best to be submitted, the principal organises a committee to decide- Elizabeth, Mandy Miller, Denny Jacobsen, Cammi Adams, and Tom "Future Token Gay" McKay.
The essays are useless- the chess club's entry talks about the 'strategy' of love and bunch of chess-related metaphors, the drama club's says "Lights! Camera! Action! We have just the cast for you here at Sweet Valley Middle School!", the sports teams' entry is raping misquoting Shakespeare and saying SVMS is the best at everything, and the exchange students' entry says a bunch of stuff about SVMS in different languages. They might be compliments, but may be insults. I'd insult, personally.
The funniest one is the science club's entry. It's like a thesis paper with lots of big words and boring info about SVMS, explaining how SVMS has students from a wide variety of backgrounds and socioeconomic groups- oh the lies. The lies make baby Jesus cry. Socioeconomic groups? Name me someone other than Sophia Rizzo who's not rich and white in SVT!
Anyway, their whole essay is stereotypically smart (no way do a bunch of 12-year-olds know this stuff), until Donald adds a love poem at the end, which I will reprint here:
The thought of love and romance makes me dizzy in the heart,
And a trip to Dizzy Planet makes romantic feelings start.
Appearing on the Young Love show would be my dearest wish...
And then Peter Burns comes up with the last line, which is:
Being chosen for your show would be better than getting a brand-new satellite dish.
Who the fuck is this kid's English teacher?
After reading all the essays, the committee can't pick a winner- they all suck equally, I guess. Until Saint Liz has a brainwave- send them all in on a poster with the photo to show Sweet Valley's diversity! Of course the principal loves the idea.
All this was pointless anyway, because of course SVMS is chosen. Kids sign their names up to be a contestant (someone who picks their dream date), a candidate (someone who is a possible dream date for a contestant) and an audience member.
Liz is a contestant, Jess is a candidate. They are forbidden to tell anyone what their statuses are, or their whole schol will be disqualified, but Jess can so tell what everyone is. Janet's being super-smug, so she's a contestant. Lila's all grumpy, so she's only in the audience, HAHA.
Jess is watching Young Love, perving on the hot host Byron Miller (related to Mandy, at all?) and trying to get an idea of what contestants like in a girl. Turns out they like honesty and sincerity. Drat. So off Jess goes to get a lesson in honesty from Saint Liz, who recommends she always tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. How boring. I'm so glad I'm not Liz's friend.
I don't really get how Dizzy Planet is so expensive that no one in Sweet Valley has been there. They're all rich brats.
Amy invited Liz to come over and watch Young Love, but Liz was busy doing maths problems. How is she considered cool? I really don't get it. My little sister likes maths, but you wouldn't catch her skipping friend time to stay home and do problems unless she had an exam the next day. Anyway, Amy mentions how the host Byron kept teasing the contestants, and Liz gets nervous. What if Byron teases her? Scary! She's figured out that Jess is only a candidate, so she suggests to Jess that the two of them trade places. Jessica is stoked- she's guaranteed a trip to Dizzy Planet. Plus she can flirt with Byron on the set! Maybe he'll invite her to be his co-host! He's even cuter than Aaron!
Lila's suggesting her dad's going to take her to the Caribbean, in a desperate attempt to draw attention back to her. We still love you Lila!
Sophia and her boyfriend Patrick are trying to rig the game show so they end up together. Conveniently Patrick is a contestant and Sophia is a candidate. They're trying to be all stealth and whatnot so no one knows they're cheating, but they go waaay over the top- hiding behind trees, not being seen together. Coz a boyfriend and girlfriend eating lunch together is soooo suspicious. Sophia organises a secret question: "What's your favourite food?" Sophia's secret answer will be "Poetry, for woman does not live by bread alone." Subtle. But Patrick is too worried about spies watching them to pay proper attention. Sophia gets frustrated, but it's too late. It's now or never.
It's the day of taping, and everyone's at the studio. Jess and Liz have traded places, and really suck at pretending to be each other, but no one notices. I bet everyone just ignores the twins all the time anyway and they just don't realise. Janet calls Liz!Jess a nerd, which is so accurate. Math problems before Amy, indeed. No wonder Amy ditches her in high school. Oh, and Enid/Alexandra. Heh.
Liz!Jess is so flustered by the lights and Byron's hotness that she makes a dick of herself. The real Liz is backstage, cringing at this humiliation. I don't see why they can't reshoot stuff. Is this thing seriously live? WTF? nyway, after three lame questions (her final question is "Who thinks Byron Miller is the most romantic man on TV?"), Liz!Jess picks Todd over Bruce and Winston, and is pretty happy about it. The real Elizabeth is hurt. Does Jessica really want to date Todd??
Of course she doesn't. She'd much rather have Byron.
A couple more contestants have their turns, and then Jess!Liz goes on with Ellen and Amy, and discovers that their contestant is Aaron Dallas. Liz doesn't want to get a date with Aaron, because it will hurt jess, so she makes her answers as dumb as possible. Which is hard when you're against Ellen. To make the world a cooler place, she would donate the makeup she never uses to people who don't have any, so the world would look a lot better. Heh. She should go to Africa and get her breasts to tell her when it's raining. Anyway, Aaron picks Amy of course, whose answers were halfway normal and Jess!Liz suddenly clicks that if she'd answered the questions normally, she would have been picked and the twins could have swapped back and ended up with their boys. But no. Liz was stupid, and Jess is PISSED.
Janet is so busy flirting with Byron during her turn that she doesn't pay attention to her candidates and ends up picking supernerd Donald Zwerdling. Ha ha. When she sees him, she's like "Whaaaa?" and the camera zooms in on her. Sweet sweet karma.
Finally, it's Patrick's turn, and Sophia is in his group with Maria Slater and Jennifer Norris. Sophia's waiting anxiously for the code question, but Patrick says "What do you like best about poetry?" That's not right, you twat! Sophia thinks fast and says "I love everything about poetry. Because after all, woman can't live by bread alone." She doesn't think it makes any sense, but I think it makes as much sense as her original secret answer. Unfortunately, Maria's answer is "A life without poetry is like bread without butter." Apparently its a line from one of her awful old movies, but more importantly, it mentions bread! GASP.
Jennifer's answer is "I love how it can be so romantic. This is my favourite bit of poetry: 'A Book of Verses underneath the Bough, A jug of Wine, a Loaf of Bread, and Thou.' "
I highly doubt bitch has read the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam. I think the ghostie just did a google search for poems that mention bread.
Even I didn't read it til I was fifteen, and I love that freaking book. I have a really old edition with gorgeous pictures and everything, with two different translations. It's beautiful.
Okay, well, Patrick's between a rock and a hard place, and ends up picking candidate number two- Maria! Maria's stoked and thinks Patrick picked her coz he liked her answers. Sophia is pretty upset.
All the winning couples pose for a photo, but Aaron is busy making fun of Jessica's performance, not realising it was actually Liz. Jessica is seething. She starts arguing with Liz, Sophia yells at Patrick, Janet's fighting with the producer about being stuck with Donald, and Amy fights with Aaron. Liz wants to go tell Byron the truth, but Jess reminds her that the schooll Valentine's Day Dance with be taken away. Liz doesn't want to ruin everything for everybody, so she stays quiet. For now...
What's going to happen next? Is Jessica in for a wilder ride than she expected? Wait for the second book in this two-part series, The Boyfriend Mess, the recap of which I shall post in time for Valentine's Day!