SVT #64 The Charm School Mystery
If you're a con artist and you're looking for an easy mark, where do you go? New York? Please. Too streetwise. Orange County? You might meet Marissa. Sweet Valley? Oh yes. It's full of rich naive people.
How do you do this - a pyramid scheme? Charity? No - you decide to open a charm school, only to be foiled by a group of meddling kids.
A charm school is opening in Sweet Valley. Predictably Amy and Elizabeth are unimpressed. The building looks more like an art gallery, and there’s a notice which reads “Charm classes conducted by Monique Beaumont of Switzerland”. That’s an interesting title. Next time I go to a foreign country, I’ll add after my name “of Britain”. Notice that Ms Beaumont does not give any form of qualification for her charm classes, aside from being Swiss. Those Swiss, known for their class. Here’s Monique now: “She was very petite and wore her black hair pulled back in a sleek chignon.” Let’s imagine her as Lillith, of Cheers, and later, Frasier. Also she’s elegantly dressed and has a heavy accent. Swiss, presumably. Really, all it takes in Sweet Valley is a vaguely foreign accent and everyone fawns over you. The ground floor of the building is the Beaumont gallery, the upstairs being where Monique will teach her many charms. They have “many beautiful things from Europe”. Ms Beaumont hopes to teach Sweet Valley the art of “gracious living”, which appears to involve being charming and owning art. Select families will be given invitations to the opening of the art gallery.
A man in a van drives up. With a moustache. He works for the Beaumonts - his name is Richard. He has a different accent to Monique, and the two of them disagree on whether he is from Switzerland or not. Monique’s explanation: “When one is European, it is sometimes difficult to be specific about one’s origins.” That is so true. This one time I went to France, and now I feel sort of French. “Richard was born in France, but raised in Switzerland”. Oh. Maybe I’m just British then.
Elizabeth and Amy meet up with assorted Unicorns at Caseys. They’re talking about the charm school. Naturally the Unicorns are wholly in favour of a charm school. So sophisticated! So European! And Lila’s cousin’s friend went to a finishing school and she married a duke, so they must be good. President Janet Howell makes an official declaration that all Unicorn comrades must go to charm school, as they are sort of like royalty in SV middle school. Yes, in the sense that they weren’t democratically elected. Kimberley adds that apparently the charm school selects their students, which doesn’t seem like a profitable business plan, because that’s the way they did it in Grenoble, where he grew up. Elizabeth, knower of all knowledge, points out that Grenoble is in France, not Switzerland. You know the ghostwriter poured over an atlas to come up with that.
Elizabeth and Amy leave, because it is boring. Elizabeth’s love of Agatha Christie, sorry, Amanda Howard mysteries is mentioned, because this book is a mystery and Elizabeth is going to solve it. Did that spoil it for anyone?
Jessica sulks because Janet and Lila got hand delivered invitations to the gallery. Then the Wakefield one arrives, so all is well. As an interior designer, Alice Wakefield is rather interested in the new art gallery. She says she’ll take Jessica along to the opening with her, because she’s harassing her about charm school. Elizabeth isn’t interested.
Jessica gets all excited about the opening. Amy got an invitation, but doesn’t want to go. Those who did not get invitations: Melissa McCormick, Sophia Rizzo, Mandy Miller. Poor Mandy. She’s like a cool Ellen Riteman. Mr Wakefield decides to go too. Also, when Alice was at school, all the girls had a charm class. The hell? When did Alice go to school? I thought she was a big hippy in the seventies at college, so there were charm classes in the sixties? Apparently the girls learnt to comb their hair into beehives. If only Amy Winehouse had been taught that at school.
Amy comes over; everyone else has gone to the charm thing, Steven’s at basketball. Elizabeth’s great plan for the night is to tease their hair into beehives. …OK. Amy seems slightly reluctant. (Sutton, not Winehouse). Elizabeth has hairspray, and her mother’s old yearbooks to see the finished product. In the yearbooks they find a picture which looks suspiciously like Monique Beaumont, but with the name Margaret Rudenthaler. Lesson one of planning a con: Don’t do it in your small hometown where people will know who you are, Swiss accent or not. Margaret Rudenthaler was two years behind Alice at school. But is she here to cut off Alice’s face and steal it as her own? We must be told! Amy tells her to get over it.
Gallery opening. It is all very chic. Alice declares the gallery collection “quite small” but “lovely”. It’s probably all STOLEN! Jessica sucks up to Ms Beaumont, in a way that would be utterly cringemaking if Ms Beaumont were actually European. Jessica assumes that as Monique is as she says “European”, then she would have met loads of celebrities. Well, I once saw Alastair Campbell waiting for a train. And I had my picture taken with a Gladiator. Does that count? Jessica also asks if she’s met any kings or queens. Because so many European countries have royal families these days. Jessica launches into a description of the Unicorns - Ms Beaumont appears interested, and bonds with Jessica over exclusiveness and snobbery. She describes her school as “discriminating”. But not in a racial way. Ms Beaumont gets a little too close for comfort to Jessica, and grabs her arm. She gives Jessica a list of names and asks her for information over who she feels would be “eligible” for the charm school. Yes, Jessica is the perfect stooge for this sort of thing; full of information, and so easily flattered. Ms Beaumont is looking for girls of “good background”, which, Jessica realises by looking at the list, clearly means rich. She feels bad that Mandy isn’t on the list because she’s her friend (for now), but then justifies it by thinking that Mandy’s family wouldn’t have the money for charm school, seeing as they couldn’t afford a cancer wig. So what if she’s socially ostracised and Jessica could help? Jessica tells Beaumont to add Brooke Dennis and Sarah Thomas to the list.
Amy and Elizabeth show off their beehives to Jessica and mother when they get back. Elizabeth presses the yearbook issue - Alice remembers Margaret Rudenthaler being around for a semester then leaving. Because at my school, we all knew the girls two years below us who stayed for less than a year. By the way, Rudenthaler is a totally made-up name. The only result on google is for a Swedish website about Sweet Valley.
Elizabeth and friends discuss charm school at their normal school. Maria’s mum isn’t letting her go - she says charm school is “pretentious” and is the type of thing they left Hollywood to get away from. They went to the reception for the free food. Wow, some responsible parenting! Compare that to Alice Wakefield’s reaction: “I suppose there’s no reason you shouldn’t” Because charms school aren’t outmoded or sexist or anything like that. Maria mentions that her older sister Nina got to practice her French on Ms Beaumont - Nina wants to be a diplomat or a foreign-service officer. Elizabeth leaps on the information that Ms Beaumont actually speaks French. Elizabeth: “I think she may not be French.” Maria: “You’re right. She’s Swiss.” Nina thought her accent did sound strange, but that’s probably because she’s Swiss. Well at least Ms Beaumont chose a backstory that she could pull off. Except for the doing it in a town where people will know you thing.
Elizabeth reads her dull Amanda Howard mystery, but is distracted by her dad coughing and rattling his newspaper. She looks up to see the headline ‘Fabulous Fakes: Con Artists Flood Market with Phony Antiques and Art’ She grabs the paper from her dad - looks like Jessica isn’t the only one who needs charm school. She explains everything to her dad, but he gives her advice as her father and her lawyer that she needs to stay out of it.
Elizabeth consults with Maria and Amy. They decide to go undercover at the charm school. But how will they get in, seeing as Elizabeth didn’t want to go, Maria’s mother thinks it’s pretentious and Amy’s parents can’t afford it (then why were they on the list?) Elizabeth has a plan… it involves being rude and klutzy. How inspired.
Amy does clumsy things involving tripping over carpets and curtains. During dinner she falls out of her chair twice. If she were my daughter, I’d take her to the doctor to check her inner ear was ok, rather than sending her to charm school. The final straw is falling over the coffee table, which houses the jigsaw puzzle her father has been working on for two weeks. There’s something rather endearing about a father who works on jigsaw puzzles. Doubtless I would not agree if my father did this.
Maria’s mother has an important client to dinner. Maria talks with her mouth full throughout. Food sprays out of her mouth when she says “school”. She steals the salt shaker from under the guest’s nose, and covers her potatoes with salt. When Maria’s mother reminds her they have a guest, she apologises and puts salt on her potatoes too. Then when the guest dislikes it, she blows it off.
Elizabeth mocks charm school. Jessica makes a well-reasoned defence against it, so Elizabeth magically agrees and hey, she wants to go to charm school too! It could be good for her career.
All three are now going to charm school.
The first charm school class. Ms Beaumont addresses everyone as “Mesdemoiselles”. She explains the Mademoiselle Manners award, for being really well-mannered. It will be given away at their graduation ceremony, which will have a seated dinner. Ooh classy. Despite being called the Mademoiselle Manners award, the winner will be crowned Queen of Charm. Probably because Mademoiselle Manners wasn’t classy enough. Inevitably, Janet and Jessica become instinctively competitive. They have a bet - whoever loses has to curtsey to the other for a week.
The first assignment is to make a list of the fine and beautiful things in your home, having asked your parents why they are valuable. Oh, come on! Worst con ever. Firstly, if any of these girls had ever remotely lived in the world red flags would be flying everywhere. Secondly, what the hell kind of con artist asks their victims what valuable they possess in such a bare-faced way? Sure, if they were posing as insurance agents or something, but just getting thirteen-year-old girls to write down lists of important things? Both dumb, and probably inaccurate. I would be so much better at being a con artist. They should have just pretended there was something bad happening in Switzerland. The Unicorns would have organised a roller disco and they could have run off with the money. If these girl’s parents don’t see this assignment as a gigantic fake lie, then I’m starting a new life in Sweet Valley as Wendy Kroy, pageant organiser.
Anyway, they do the classic book-on-head exercise. Patty Gilbert, serious ballet dancer and later scoliosis sufferer, goes first. Jessica congratulates her. Patty: “I’ve been able to do that since first year ballet. I don’t know why my mother is making me take this dopey course.” I like her! Jessica is unimpressed: Probably because of your snotty personality. She decides that’s why Patty has no friends, not realising it’s because Patty hasn’t had her own book yet. But soon!
Jessica goes next. She only manages half-way. Janet laughs, and Jessica says “Think you can do any better?” Ms Beaumont chastises her for being rude. Note to self: never show anger directly. Instead, make passive-aggressive comments. I love it when people do that. Jessica rephrases her question, to “I didn’t mean to sound so rude. What I should have said is, maybe you will have more luck than I did. I truly hope so.” Janet tries. Jessica trips her up. How charming of her. Elizabeth tries and only manages one step. Elizabeth: “I guess I have a lot to learn.” Ms Beaumont: “That is why you are here, yes?” Elizabeth: “That’s right.” Imagine Horatio saying that in CSI Miami. Then we’d get the “Yowl!” and onto The Who.
Later ,at Lila’s house, Lila is unimpressed by the charm school. She says that if you have enough money, people don’t care how you act. True, but that doesn’t mean you should do it. Lila is having trouble finishing her list - she’s got three pages, but that’s only the artwork. She hasn’t even started on the furniture yet. George Fowler strikes me as an art-matching-the-curtains type. Jessica is unimpressed. Jessica’s list consists of old jewellery which belonged to Mrs Wakefield’s grandmother (Swedish Alice? Could it be a meatball maker) and some antique furniture.
Richard the SwissFrenchSwiss employee of Beaumont Gallery enters with a painting Mr Fowler bought from them. He hangs it on the wall. Lila has to speak to her father, leaving Jessica alone with Richard. Because this is not Sweet Valley High, she does not attempt to sleep with Richard. Richard walks around the room, staring approvingly. He says “It reminds me of some of the lovely homes in Europe.” Yes, Europe is known for its architecture. Also, Asia is a very sunny place. Jessica just has to boast, saying her mother is an interior designer, so of course she chooses all the best pieces from yes, Europe. She points out a pot that Richard is holding and says she has two of them. And two carved tables, like the ones over there. Oh Jessica, at least make your lies believable. She even claims they have a whole shelf of Faberge eggs. Never got the point of them myself. Here is an egg. We’ve put jewels on it! Lila comes back into the room, thanks Richard and says her father is expecting the provenance, the paper which proves the authenticity of the painting. Her father bought a painting without seeing the provenance? Clearly a dilettante art collector.
Charm school. Make-up class. Maria has painted clown lips on Elizabeth and Amy. Ms Beaumont takes Jessica aside to discuss her list - it seems her lies she told Richard made it back. Almost as if they’re compiling information… Ms Beaumont mentions the jewellery, and asks if they’re in a safe deposit box or if they have a good alarm system at home. Surely alarm bells should be ringing by now? Did they never do Stranger Danger at SV middle school? Jessica cheerfully announces the jewellery is stuffed in a tennis shoe in the broom closet, because a burglar wouldn’t look there. Unless you tell them. Mrs Beaumont presses her on the other beautiful things in her home. Don’t they have an alarm system for them? And why did neither twin write them on her list? At no point does it occur to Mrs Beaumont that a thirteen-year-old girl may lie to a delivery man. The penny drops, and Jessica claims it was for security reasons. Oh, if only Jessica and the other stooges, I mean students, had thought of that earlier on. Jessica claims that alarms just show there is something to steal. Yeah, museums, always showing off with their fancy alarmed cases and stuff. Bringing it on themselves really.
Elizabeth has painted green eyeshadow up to her eyebrows. Jessica apologizes on her behalf, saying Elizabeth isn’t taking it seriously and that she thinks the Beaumonts are phonies. Well Ms Beaumont can’t have that! She decides to make an example of her. She demands everyone look at Elizabeth, with her clown lips and green eyeshadow. “Some of you are not taking this class as seriously as I would hope. Mademoiselle Elizabeth, you said the other day you have a lot to learn. Please do not waste your time or mine by being silly with your friends. What I am trying to teach you girls is not merely charm, but communication. What do you want people to think about you?” She goes on, and it gets even better.
“Look at your posture, it’s terrible. That slump in your spine tells people that you feel small and unimportant. Your makeup is poorly applied and sloppy. That tells people that you can’t take time to finish things properly. You have been laughing and talking during class and that shows you are ill-mannered. Walk across the room, please, and let us see if you have worked on your carriage and bearing.”
Inevitably, she trips. I have to say, for being undercover, she’s certainly been drawing attention to herself. But it gets even BETTER. No, really.
“I have been in countries far, far away where your head would be cut off if you tripped and fell in front of their queen. Be grateful, mademoiselle, that we have not yet crowned a queen who could order such an execution after such a poor performance.”
Because Monique Beaumont was around during the Sun Court. How stupid are these girls that they don’t question this? Is there ANYWHERE where a monarch still has that sort of power? Certainly nowhere in Europe. Cultural awareness: it will stop you being humiliated by con artists. Elizabeth cries and runs out of the room. You have to admit, that was the best dressing down Elizabeth ever gets. It ruled.
But! Elizabeth is not really upset (although you know she is a little). She’s chosen to go snooping around. She goes into the office, and rummages through the file cabinet. All she finds are receipts for paintings bought by various people. But! Someone is coming. She hides behind some coats on a coat rack. No, really. She overhears Mr Beaumont on the most suspicious phone call ever. “Hello, Hans? It’s me, Beaumont. … yeah … yeah… That’s right. Fowler bought the painting. … No, he’s not suspicious. Nobody is… why should they be? … Because we’re con artists? Yeah, I guess. The charm school is a totally lame idea. I’m letting it happen so I can double cross Mrs Beaumount. [ok, maybe not this last bit] Margaret’s taking care of everything. We’ll continue as planned. Goodbye.”
Elizabeth is right! Nobody ever changes their name because they don’t like it! Margaret Rudenthaler and Monique Beaumont are the same, and she’s in a phony antique racket with her husband! She surmises that the charm school is a front for their criminal activity. No, the gallery is the front for their criminal activity. The charm school is a strange attempt to get information from thirteen year olds. She slips out of the room with Mr Beaumont noticing, some how. Ms Beaumont finds her, and demands to know where she has been. Elizabeth makes excuses, and goes back to class.
Elizabeth excitedly tells her friends what she heard. They decide not to go to the police, because the police wouldn’t be brought in this early in an Amanda Howard novel. I won’t even attempt to comment on that.
After the next class, Elizabeth, Maria and Amy hide in the toilets until everyone has gone, so they can get back in the office. They wait until they hear every person goes, and look in the office. There is a new file: Wakefield. Her mother has bought phony antiques from them for a client. But the file has provenances attached to it. She finds a letter addressed to Mr Fowler, apologising for the delay in sending the provenances. But someone is coming! They run out, only to run into Mr Beaumont. But Maria and Amy legged it just before Elizabeth, so they pretend they were looking for her backpack, and they thought it might have been handed into his office. Mr Beaumont seems to buy this. Elizabeth’s friends are now unconvinced.
Elizabeth, for once, talks to her parents, who dismiss all her concerns and tell her to pay attention in charm school, seeing as she was the one who wanted to go there. The next day she goes to school early and talks to Mr Sweeney the art teacher (who of course, knows who she is) and asks him how a curator would authenticate a painting. At my school the teachers went straight to the teacher’s room. They didn’t spend time before class painting in their art studio. Of course, my school didn’t really have a studio per se.
Elizabeth goes back to her friends. She asks Maria if she’s ever been wrong. Maria says no, but then she hasn’t known her very long. I like Maria. Anyway, they decide to continue investigating. Don’t they have homework or something? The plan is for Maria, actress supreme, to impersonate Elizabeth’s mother over the phone. She does - she gets Mr Beaumont to agree to meet “alice” at the Fowler mansion on Saturday to advise on… stuff. Then Maria calls Mr Fowler, pretending to be Alice, to ask to visit his house on Saturday so she can research… stuff. Personally I would have done it the other way round. Finally, they call Elizabeth’s mother pretending to be Ms Beaumont and ask her to meet her etc etc. This is seeming all very Poirot. Sadly everyone in this is Swiss and no one is Belgian.
Saturday. Beaumont and Alice arrive. Elizabeth and co have been watching them, and enter the house. Elizabeth chooses to explain things. I can’t wait to hear it. She says there’s one person left, and once he gets there… she’s going to expose Mr Beaumont as a crook! Jessica and Lila laugh at her (Jessica is there for some reason). Elizabeth is no Hercule Poirot, non? The man arrives - Mr Kolker, the curator of A Museum. The exact one isn’t specified. The Sweet Valley Museum, presumably. Elizabeth asks him if he can tell a real Holtzinger from a fake. Yes. Yes he can. He looks at the painting Mr Fowler bought. The tension mounts. It is real! Man, Elizabeth is in the shit. Everyone is quiet. No one really knows what to do. Mr Beaumont does not get angry, merely blames television for giving young people funny ideas. Television does not exist in Europe. Jessica and Lila are laughing their arses off.
Mrs Wakefield yells at Elizabeth, tells Maria and Amy’s parents what they have done, grounds Elizabeth but makes sure she goes to the rest of charm school as punishment and then bans her from reading Amanda Howard mysteries for a year. I approve.
Bruce Patman yells that he can’t find his algebra book and needs Detective Wakefield to investigate. School is going to be tough this week. Someone has left a magnifying glass on her desk. Not too witty. Would have been funnier if it were a dead body. Dennis Cookman announces there’s going to be a new tv show - The Elizabeth Wakefield Mystery Hour. The wit, it kills me. Ellen adds it’s going to be called The Elizabeth Wakefield Paranoia Hour. Wow, when Ellen is insulting you, you know things are bad.
Better mocking occurs in the halls. Janet calls for Elizabeth to come quick - lying on the floor is Bruce Patman, knife in his armpit, blood all around. No, our favourite rapist isn’t dead - he’s faking. Janet asks “Who did it, Elizabeth? Can you think of a suspect to accuse?” Elizabeth replies “Considering the victim is Bruce Patman, I’d say the murderer could have been anybody who got the chance.” Nicely done. Elizabeth still thinks she’s right.
Charm school. Identifying paintings. Elizabeth is doing well. The last one is, of course, a Holtzinger. Ho ho ho.
Janet mocks Elizabeth during charm school. Jessica “accidentally” knocks red lipstick onto her white blouse. The final class is next week, where they will learn how to be introduced to royalty. How exciting! The party will be the same evening. Janet and Jessica have a full-blown fight over who will win the charm award thing. I prefer it when they fight over guys.
Final class. They learn how to be introduced to royalty, such an important skill to have. Elizabeth calls Ms Beaumont Your royal crookedness. In her mind. On the way home, they see the gallery is closed, and looks quite empty. HOW SUSPECT.
Elizabeth realises she has dropped her forbidden library Amanda Howard mystery back inside, and so must go back and find it. how convenient. She goes back, and yes, the office is open, and yes, she has to go in it. And what does she overhear? Why, the Beaumonts, talking without their Swiss accents!
“We’re all set. Our guests arrive at six-thirty. Richard will meet you with the van at six-forty-five. You can clean them out whilst they enjoy the second course.”
“It shouldn’t take too long. The girls provided us with a pretty good of who has what and where it is. But after sifting through all the information we’ve been able to gather about the houses, I’ve narrowed it down to these. And I say we start with this one.”
“Definitely. That place is a treasure house. If you run short on time, just hit that one and don’t bother with the others. There’s enough in that house to make it worthwhile.”
[Oh I wonder what house this could be?]
“I’ve got to hand it to you Margaret. This charm school idea was a good one.”
“I told you there’s a lot of money in Sweet Valley. This section of California is a gold mine.”
“We’ve cleared out of the gallery all the stuff we want to take with us. The only thing that’s worrying me is that Elizabeth Wakefield.”
“Don’t worry. I’ve already thought of a way to get her out of our hair tonight. We’ll give her that Mademoiselle Manners award. That ought to keep her occupied.”
Elizabeth runs outside, and now she has some actual idea of what’s going on, her friends won’t believe her. Maria tells her to join the drama club as an outlet for her imagination.
Elizabeth tells Jessica. Who is unconvinced. Mostly, she doesn’t believe that Elizabeth will win Mademoiselle Manners. God, that’s the worst name for a prize ever. Elizabeth gets Jessica to agree to some plan if Elizabeth wins Mademoiselle Manners. Augh, do you know how annoying it is to type that phrase?
Steven is made to go to the dinner, because the Beaumonts wanted every family member there. The Wakefields blithely go along with this. Steven has a bad sinus headache, so they let him stay home. They leave late, so it’s almost seven by the time they arrive. Elizabeth wins the prize. Jessica is shocked - what she said is true. What Elizabeth says is always true. It’s practically Papal authority. Jessica bursts into tears and runs out. Elizabeth goes to comfort her. Their plan goes into action!
They change clothes - they’re doing the old twin switch. Elizabeth cycles off on her previously hidden bike. Jessica tells Maria and Amy that they need to be by the payphone every twenty minutes starting from 7.20. If she doesn’t call, something’s wrong. Elizabeth is on a stakeout.
This is ridiculously dangerous. She should have called the police right about now. She goes to the Fowler mansion, but the van drives past it. She follows it. Maria answers the phone - Liz is moving on to the Howells. Meanwhile, Jessica is pretending to be both of them at different moments. She goes to the Howells, but the van does not come.
Amy gets worried about Elizabeth. Jessica: “I’ve been too busy changing clothes to think about it.” Niice.
Elizabeth goes to the Ritemans and then the Havers, but still no van. Oh, whose house could it be? She decides to go home and call from there. She sees Steven at the front of the house. He’s talking to a friend - they’re going to see a rival school play basketball as prep for a game they’re playing next week or something. Steven mentions seeing a van go past four times whilst he was waiting for his friend. Steven, not so bright.
Elizabeth lets herself in the house to make her call. She decides to leave the lights off in case Steven comes back for something. Elizabeth, not so bright either.
She calls Maria, but during the conversation the Beaumonts show up. Dun dun dun! Mr Beaumont has his hand over liz’s mouth. She bites his hand, she gets away, but he grabs her by the ankle. He shoves her in the kitchen broom closet. Beaumont thinks they should take her with them, as insurance until they cross the Mexican border. Yeah, felony kidnapping, that’s a good charge to have. In true Bond villain style, he explains that he and Margaret are going to Mexico, changing their names to Diaz, and are going to do it again. They can’t wait to fill their van with the “Wakefield valuables”, as if merely looking around their kitchen wouldn’t have shown them how mundane their property is. Elizabeth grasps the tennis shoe full of jewellery to her chest. A bad idea, bringing an old shoe to the attention of people. She should have just left it on the floor.
Jessica Maria and Amy conference. Jessica realises they took her lying for truth. NOW they call the police. Jessica, as Elizabeth, makes the speech for winning Miss Manners or whatever. Her speech consists of “Stop her! She’s a crook and a phony! And her creepy husband has done something to my sister!” Jessica’s dad yanks her off the podium, but not before she’s revealed she is Jessica and rubs it in Janet’s face, because she has ended up the winner some how.
Back at the robbery, Richard and Beaumont, being none too bright, are confused by the lack of antiques and consider asking Elizabeth. They think maybe the antiques are hidden, like when Moe’s bar had to be hidden during prohibition. They demand “the stuff”. Elizabeth gives them the shoe. The police arrive!
The Wakefields reunite. Much hugs all round. Steven arrives back, and thinks the police are there because he went missing.
Everyone at school is in awe of Elizabeth. The Beaumonts were doing the gallery thing to check out who had money. Then the charm school thing… for a laugh? Don’t know.
Anyway, we end on Elizabeth, Maria and Amy toasting each other with their milk cartons. Hurrah!
How do you do this - a pyramid scheme? Charity? No - you decide to open a charm school, only to be foiled by a group of meddling kids.
A charm school is opening in Sweet Valley. Predictably Amy and Elizabeth are unimpressed. The building looks more like an art gallery, and there’s a notice which reads “Charm classes conducted by Monique Beaumont of Switzerland”. That’s an interesting title. Next time I go to a foreign country, I’ll add after my name “of Britain”. Notice that Ms Beaumont does not give any form of qualification for her charm classes, aside from being Swiss. Those Swiss, known for their class. Here’s Monique now: “She was very petite and wore her black hair pulled back in a sleek chignon.” Let’s imagine her as Lillith, of Cheers, and later, Frasier. Also she’s elegantly dressed and has a heavy accent. Swiss, presumably. Really, all it takes in Sweet Valley is a vaguely foreign accent and everyone fawns over you. The ground floor of the building is the Beaumont gallery, the upstairs being where Monique will teach her many charms. They have “many beautiful things from Europe”. Ms Beaumont hopes to teach Sweet Valley the art of “gracious living”, which appears to involve being charming and owning art. Select families will be given invitations to the opening of the art gallery.
A man in a van drives up. With a moustache. He works for the Beaumonts - his name is Richard. He has a different accent to Monique, and the two of them disagree on whether he is from Switzerland or not. Monique’s explanation: “When one is European, it is sometimes difficult to be specific about one’s origins.” That is so true. This one time I went to France, and now I feel sort of French. “Richard was born in France, but raised in Switzerland”. Oh. Maybe I’m just British then.
Elizabeth and Amy meet up with assorted Unicorns at Caseys. They’re talking about the charm school. Naturally the Unicorns are wholly in favour of a charm school. So sophisticated! So European! And Lila’s cousin’s friend went to a finishing school and she married a duke, so they must be good. President Janet Howell makes an official declaration that all Unicorn comrades must go to charm school, as they are sort of like royalty in SV middle school. Yes, in the sense that they weren’t democratically elected. Kimberley adds that apparently the charm school selects their students, which doesn’t seem like a profitable business plan, because that’s the way they did it in Grenoble, where he grew up. Elizabeth, knower of all knowledge, points out that Grenoble is in France, not Switzerland. You know the ghostwriter poured over an atlas to come up with that.
Elizabeth and Amy leave, because it is boring. Elizabeth’s love of Agatha Christie, sorry, Amanda Howard mysteries is mentioned, because this book is a mystery and Elizabeth is going to solve it. Did that spoil it for anyone?
Jessica sulks because Janet and Lila got hand delivered invitations to the gallery. Then the Wakefield one arrives, so all is well. As an interior designer, Alice Wakefield is rather interested in the new art gallery. She says she’ll take Jessica along to the opening with her, because she’s harassing her about charm school. Elizabeth isn’t interested.
Jessica gets all excited about the opening. Amy got an invitation, but doesn’t want to go. Those who did not get invitations: Melissa McCormick, Sophia Rizzo, Mandy Miller. Poor Mandy. She’s like a cool Ellen Riteman. Mr Wakefield decides to go too. Also, when Alice was at school, all the girls had a charm class. The hell? When did Alice go to school? I thought she was a big hippy in the seventies at college, so there were charm classes in the sixties? Apparently the girls learnt to comb their hair into beehives. If only Amy Winehouse had been taught that at school.
Amy comes over; everyone else has gone to the charm thing, Steven’s at basketball. Elizabeth’s great plan for the night is to tease their hair into beehives. …OK. Amy seems slightly reluctant. (Sutton, not Winehouse). Elizabeth has hairspray, and her mother’s old yearbooks to see the finished product. In the yearbooks they find a picture which looks suspiciously like Monique Beaumont, but with the name Margaret Rudenthaler. Lesson one of planning a con: Don’t do it in your small hometown where people will know who you are, Swiss accent or not. Margaret Rudenthaler was two years behind Alice at school. But is she here to cut off Alice’s face and steal it as her own? We must be told! Amy tells her to get over it.
Gallery opening. It is all very chic. Alice declares the gallery collection “quite small” but “lovely”. It’s probably all STOLEN! Jessica sucks up to Ms Beaumont, in a way that would be utterly cringemaking if Ms Beaumont were actually European. Jessica assumes that as Monique is as she says “European”, then she would have met loads of celebrities. Well, I once saw Alastair Campbell waiting for a train. And I had my picture taken with a Gladiator. Does that count? Jessica also asks if she’s met any kings or queens. Because so many European countries have royal families these days. Jessica launches into a description of the Unicorns - Ms Beaumont appears interested, and bonds with Jessica over exclusiveness and snobbery. She describes her school as “discriminating”. But not in a racial way. Ms Beaumont gets a little too close for comfort to Jessica, and grabs her arm. She gives Jessica a list of names and asks her for information over who she feels would be “eligible” for the charm school. Yes, Jessica is the perfect stooge for this sort of thing; full of information, and so easily flattered. Ms Beaumont is looking for girls of “good background”, which, Jessica realises by looking at the list, clearly means rich. She feels bad that Mandy isn’t on the list because she’s her friend (for now), but then justifies it by thinking that Mandy’s family wouldn’t have the money for charm school, seeing as they couldn’t afford a cancer wig. So what if she’s socially ostracised and Jessica could help? Jessica tells Beaumont to add Brooke Dennis and Sarah Thomas to the list.
Amy and Elizabeth show off their beehives to Jessica and mother when they get back. Elizabeth presses the yearbook issue - Alice remembers Margaret Rudenthaler being around for a semester then leaving. Because at my school, we all knew the girls two years below us who stayed for less than a year. By the way, Rudenthaler is a totally made-up name. The only result on google is for a Swedish website about Sweet Valley.
Elizabeth and friends discuss charm school at their normal school. Maria’s mum isn’t letting her go - she says charm school is “pretentious” and is the type of thing they left Hollywood to get away from. They went to the reception for the free food. Wow, some responsible parenting! Compare that to Alice Wakefield’s reaction: “I suppose there’s no reason you shouldn’t” Because charms school aren’t outmoded or sexist or anything like that. Maria mentions that her older sister Nina got to practice her French on Ms Beaumont - Nina wants to be a diplomat or a foreign-service officer. Elizabeth leaps on the information that Ms Beaumont actually speaks French. Elizabeth: “I think she may not be French.” Maria: “You’re right. She’s Swiss.” Nina thought her accent did sound strange, but that’s probably because she’s Swiss. Well at least Ms Beaumont chose a backstory that she could pull off. Except for the doing it in a town where people will know you thing.
Elizabeth reads her dull Amanda Howard mystery, but is distracted by her dad coughing and rattling his newspaper. She looks up to see the headline ‘Fabulous Fakes: Con Artists Flood Market with Phony Antiques and Art’ She grabs the paper from her dad - looks like Jessica isn’t the only one who needs charm school. She explains everything to her dad, but he gives her advice as her father and her lawyer that she needs to stay out of it.
Elizabeth consults with Maria and Amy. They decide to go undercover at the charm school. But how will they get in, seeing as Elizabeth didn’t want to go, Maria’s mother thinks it’s pretentious and Amy’s parents can’t afford it (then why were they on the list?) Elizabeth has a plan… it involves being rude and klutzy. How inspired.
Amy does clumsy things involving tripping over carpets and curtains. During dinner she falls out of her chair twice. If she were my daughter, I’d take her to the doctor to check her inner ear was ok, rather than sending her to charm school. The final straw is falling over the coffee table, which houses the jigsaw puzzle her father has been working on for two weeks. There’s something rather endearing about a father who works on jigsaw puzzles. Doubtless I would not agree if my father did this.
Maria’s mother has an important client to dinner. Maria talks with her mouth full throughout. Food sprays out of her mouth when she says “school”. She steals the salt shaker from under the guest’s nose, and covers her potatoes with salt. When Maria’s mother reminds her they have a guest, she apologises and puts salt on her potatoes too. Then when the guest dislikes it, she blows it off.
Elizabeth mocks charm school. Jessica makes a well-reasoned defence against it, so Elizabeth magically agrees and hey, she wants to go to charm school too! It could be good for her career.
All three are now going to charm school.
The first charm school class. Ms Beaumont addresses everyone as “Mesdemoiselles”. She explains the Mademoiselle Manners award, for being really well-mannered. It will be given away at their graduation ceremony, which will have a seated dinner. Ooh classy. Despite being called the Mademoiselle Manners award, the winner will be crowned Queen of Charm. Probably because Mademoiselle Manners wasn’t classy enough. Inevitably, Janet and Jessica become instinctively competitive. They have a bet - whoever loses has to curtsey to the other for a week.
The first assignment is to make a list of the fine and beautiful things in your home, having asked your parents why they are valuable. Oh, come on! Worst con ever. Firstly, if any of these girls had ever remotely lived in the world red flags would be flying everywhere. Secondly, what the hell kind of con artist asks their victims what valuable they possess in such a bare-faced way? Sure, if they were posing as insurance agents or something, but just getting thirteen-year-old girls to write down lists of important things? Both dumb, and probably inaccurate. I would be so much better at being a con artist. They should have just pretended there was something bad happening in Switzerland. The Unicorns would have organised a roller disco and they could have run off with the money. If these girl’s parents don’t see this assignment as a gigantic fake lie, then I’m starting a new life in Sweet Valley as Wendy Kroy, pageant organiser.
Anyway, they do the classic book-on-head exercise. Patty Gilbert, serious ballet dancer and later scoliosis sufferer, goes first. Jessica congratulates her. Patty: “I’ve been able to do that since first year ballet. I don’t know why my mother is making me take this dopey course.” I like her! Jessica is unimpressed: Probably because of your snotty personality. She decides that’s why Patty has no friends, not realising it’s because Patty hasn’t had her own book yet. But soon!
Jessica goes next. She only manages half-way. Janet laughs, and Jessica says “Think you can do any better?” Ms Beaumont chastises her for being rude. Note to self: never show anger directly. Instead, make passive-aggressive comments. I love it when people do that. Jessica rephrases her question, to “I didn’t mean to sound so rude. What I should have said is, maybe you will have more luck than I did. I truly hope so.” Janet tries. Jessica trips her up. How charming of her. Elizabeth tries and only manages one step. Elizabeth: “I guess I have a lot to learn.” Ms Beaumont: “That is why you are here, yes?” Elizabeth: “That’s right.” Imagine Horatio saying that in CSI Miami. Then we’d get the “Yowl!” and onto The Who.
Later ,at Lila’s house, Lila is unimpressed by the charm school. She says that if you have enough money, people don’t care how you act. True, but that doesn’t mean you should do it. Lila is having trouble finishing her list - she’s got three pages, but that’s only the artwork. She hasn’t even started on the furniture yet. George Fowler strikes me as an art-matching-the-curtains type. Jessica is unimpressed. Jessica’s list consists of old jewellery which belonged to Mrs Wakefield’s grandmother (Swedish Alice? Could it be a meatball maker) and some antique furniture.
Richard the SwissFrenchSwiss employee of Beaumont Gallery enters with a painting Mr Fowler bought from them. He hangs it on the wall. Lila has to speak to her father, leaving Jessica alone with Richard. Because this is not Sweet Valley High, she does not attempt to sleep with Richard. Richard walks around the room, staring approvingly. He says “It reminds me of some of the lovely homes in Europe.” Yes, Europe is known for its architecture. Also, Asia is a very sunny place. Jessica just has to boast, saying her mother is an interior designer, so of course she chooses all the best pieces from yes, Europe. She points out a pot that Richard is holding and says she has two of them. And two carved tables, like the ones over there. Oh Jessica, at least make your lies believable. She even claims they have a whole shelf of Faberge eggs. Never got the point of them myself. Here is an egg. We’ve put jewels on it! Lila comes back into the room, thanks Richard and says her father is expecting the provenance, the paper which proves the authenticity of the painting. Her father bought a painting without seeing the provenance? Clearly a dilettante art collector.
Charm school. Make-up class. Maria has painted clown lips on Elizabeth and Amy. Ms Beaumont takes Jessica aside to discuss her list - it seems her lies she told Richard made it back. Almost as if they’re compiling information… Ms Beaumont mentions the jewellery, and asks if they’re in a safe deposit box or if they have a good alarm system at home. Surely alarm bells should be ringing by now? Did they never do Stranger Danger at SV middle school? Jessica cheerfully announces the jewellery is stuffed in a tennis shoe in the broom closet, because a burglar wouldn’t look there. Unless you tell them. Mrs Beaumont presses her on the other beautiful things in her home. Don’t they have an alarm system for them? And why did neither twin write them on her list? At no point does it occur to Mrs Beaumont that a thirteen-year-old girl may lie to a delivery man. The penny drops, and Jessica claims it was for security reasons. Oh, if only Jessica and the other stooges, I mean students, had thought of that earlier on. Jessica claims that alarms just show there is something to steal. Yeah, museums, always showing off with their fancy alarmed cases and stuff. Bringing it on themselves really.
Elizabeth has painted green eyeshadow up to her eyebrows. Jessica apologizes on her behalf, saying Elizabeth isn’t taking it seriously and that she thinks the Beaumonts are phonies. Well Ms Beaumont can’t have that! She decides to make an example of her. She demands everyone look at Elizabeth, with her clown lips and green eyeshadow. “Some of you are not taking this class as seriously as I would hope. Mademoiselle Elizabeth, you said the other day you have a lot to learn. Please do not waste your time or mine by being silly with your friends. What I am trying to teach you girls is not merely charm, but communication. What do you want people to think about you?” She goes on, and it gets even better.
“Look at your posture, it’s terrible. That slump in your spine tells people that you feel small and unimportant. Your makeup is poorly applied and sloppy. That tells people that you can’t take time to finish things properly. You have been laughing and talking during class and that shows you are ill-mannered. Walk across the room, please, and let us see if you have worked on your carriage and bearing.”
Inevitably, she trips. I have to say, for being undercover, she’s certainly been drawing attention to herself. But it gets even BETTER. No, really.
“I have been in countries far, far away where your head would be cut off if you tripped and fell in front of their queen. Be grateful, mademoiselle, that we have not yet crowned a queen who could order such an execution after such a poor performance.”
Because Monique Beaumont was around during the Sun Court. How stupid are these girls that they don’t question this? Is there ANYWHERE where a monarch still has that sort of power? Certainly nowhere in Europe. Cultural awareness: it will stop you being humiliated by con artists. Elizabeth cries and runs out of the room. You have to admit, that was the best dressing down Elizabeth ever gets. It ruled.
But! Elizabeth is not really upset (although you know she is a little). She’s chosen to go snooping around. She goes into the office, and rummages through the file cabinet. All she finds are receipts for paintings bought by various people. But! Someone is coming. She hides behind some coats on a coat rack. No, really. She overhears Mr Beaumont on the most suspicious phone call ever. “Hello, Hans? It’s me, Beaumont. … yeah … yeah… That’s right. Fowler bought the painting. … No, he’s not suspicious. Nobody is… why should they be? … Because we’re con artists? Yeah, I guess. The charm school is a totally lame idea. I’m letting it happen so I can double cross Mrs Beaumount. [ok, maybe not this last bit] Margaret’s taking care of everything. We’ll continue as planned. Goodbye.”
Elizabeth is right! Nobody ever changes their name because they don’t like it! Margaret Rudenthaler and Monique Beaumont are the same, and she’s in a phony antique racket with her husband! She surmises that the charm school is a front for their criminal activity. No, the gallery is the front for their criminal activity. The charm school is a strange attempt to get information from thirteen year olds. She slips out of the room with Mr Beaumont noticing, some how. Ms Beaumont finds her, and demands to know where she has been. Elizabeth makes excuses, and goes back to class.
Elizabeth excitedly tells her friends what she heard. They decide not to go to the police, because the police wouldn’t be brought in this early in an Amanda Howard novel. I won’t even attempt to comment on that.
After the next class, Elizabeth, Maria and Amy hide in the toilets until everyone has gone, so they can get back in the office. They wait until they hear every person goes, and look in the office. There is a new file: Wakefield. Her mother has bought phony antiques from them for a client. But the file has provenances attached to it. She finds a letter addressed to Mr Fowler, apologising for the delay in sending the provenances. But someone is coming! They run out, only to run into Mr Beaumont. But Maria and Amy legged it just before Elizabeth, so they pretend they were looking for her backpack, and they thought it might have been handed into his office. Mr Beaumont seems to buy this. Elizabeth’s friends are now unconvinced.
Elizabeth, for once, talks to her parents, who dismiss all her concerns and tell her to pay attention in charm school, seeing as she was the one who wanted to go there. The next day she goes to school early and talks to Mr Sweeney the art teacher (who of course, knows who she is) and asks him how a curator would authenticate a painting. At my school the teachers went straight to the teacher’s room. They didn’t spend time before class painting in their art studio. Of course, my school didn’t really have a studio per se.
Elizabeth goes back to her friends. She asks Maria if she’s ever been wrong. Maria says no, but then she hasn’t known her very long. I like Maria. Anyway, they decide to continue investigating. Don’t they have homework or something? The plan is for Maria, actress supreme, to impersonate Elizabeth’s mother over the phone. She does - she gets Mr Beaumont to agree to meet “alice” at the Fowler mansion on Saturday to advise on… stuff. Then Maria calls Mr Fowler, pretending to be Alice, to ask to visit his house on Saturday so she can research… stuff. Personally I would have done it the other way round. Finally, they call Elizabeth’s mother pretending to be Ms Beaumont and ask her to meet her etc etc. This is seeming all very Poirot. Sadly everyone in this is Swiss and no one is Belgian.
Saturday. Beaumont and Alice arrive. Elizabeth and co have been watching them, and enter the house. Elizabeth chooses to explain things. I can’t wait to hear it. She says there’s one person left, and once he gets there… she’s going to expose Mr Beaumont as a crook! Jessica and Lila laugh at her (Jessica is there for some reason). Elizabeth is no Hercule Poirot, non? The man arrives - Mr Kolker, the curator of A Museum. The exact one isn’t specified. The Sweet Valley Museum, presumably. Elizabeth asks him if he can tell a real Holtzinger from a fake. Yes. Yes he can. He looks at the painting Mr Fowler bought. The tension mounts. It is real! Man, Elizabeth is in the shit. Everyone is quiet. No one really knows what to do. Mr Beaumont does not get angry, merely blames television for giving young people funny ideas. Television does not exist in Europe. Jessica and Lila are laughing their arses off.
Mrs Wakefield yells at Elizabeth, tells Maria and Amy’s parents what they have done, grounds Elizabeth but makes sure she goes to the rest of charm school as punishment and then bans her from reading Amanda Howard mysteries for a year. I approve.
Bruce Patman yells that he can’t find his algebra book and needs Detective Wakefield to investigate. School is going to be tough this week. Someone has left a magnifying glass on her desk. Not too witty. Would have been funnier if it were a dead body. Dennis Cookman announces there’s going to be a new tv show - The Elizabeth Wakefield Mystery Hour. The wit, it kills me. Ellen adds it’s going to be called The Elizabeth Wakefield Paranoia Hour. Wow, when Ellen is insulting you, you know things are bad.
Better mocking occurs in the halls. Janet calls for Elizabeth to come quick - lying on the floor is Bruce Patman, knife in his armpit, blood all around. No, our favourite rapist isn’t dead - he’s faking. Janet asks “Who did it, Elizabeth? Can you think of a suspect to accuse?” Elizabeth replies “Considering the victim is Bruce Patman, I’d say the murderer could have been anybody who got the chance.” Nicely done. Elizabeth still thinks she’s right.
Charm school. Identifying paintings. Elizabeth is doing well. The last one is, of course, a Holtzinger. Ho ho ho.
Janet mocks Elizabeth during charm school. Jessica “accidentally” knocks red lipstick onto her white blouse. The final class is next week, where they will learn how to be introduced to royalty. How exciting! The party will be the same evening. Janet and Jessica have a full-blown fight over who will win the charm award thing. I prefer it when they fight over guys.
Final class. They learn how to be introduced to royalty, such an important skill to have. Elizabeth calls Ms Beaumont Your royal crookedness. In her mind. On the way home, they see the gallery is closed, and looks quite empty. HOW SUSPECT.
Elizabeth realises she has dropped her forbidden library Amanda Howard mystery back inside, and so must go back and find it. how convenient. She goes back, and yes, the office is open, and yes, she has to go in it. And what does she overhear? Why, the Beaumonts, talking without their Swiss accents!
“We’re all set. Our guests arrive at six-thirty. Richard will meet you with the van at six-forty-five. You can clean them out whilst they enjoy the second course.”
“It shouldn’t take too long. The girls provided us with a pretty good of who has what and where it is. But after sifting through all the information we’ve been able to gather about the houses, I’ve narrowed it down to these. And I say we start with this one.”
“Definitely. That place is a treasure house. If you run short on time, just hit that one and don’t bother with the others. There’s enough in that house to make it worthwhile.”
[Oh I wonder what house this could be?]
“I’ve got to hand it to you Margaret. This charm school idea was a good one.”
“I told you there’s a lot of money in Sweet Valley. This section of California is a gold mine.”
“We’ve cleared out of the gallery all the stuff we want to take with us. The only thing that’s worrying me is that Elizabeth Wakefield.”
“Don’t worry. I’ve already thought of a way to get her out of our hair tonight. We’ll give her that Mademoiselle Manners award. That ought to keep her occupied.”
Elizabeth runs outside, and now she has some actual idea of what’s going on, her friends won’t believe her. Maria tells her to join the drama club as an outlet for her imagination.
Elizabeth tells Jessica. Who is unconvinced. Mostly, she doesn’t believe that Elizabeth will win Mademoiselle Manners. God, that’s the worst name for a prize ever. Elizabeth gets Jessica to agree to some plan if Elizabeth wins Mademoiselle Manners. Augh, do you know how annoying it is to type that phrase?
Steven is made to go to the dinner, because the Beaumonts wanted every family member there. The Wakefields blithely go along with this. Steven has a bad sinus headache, so they let him stay home. They leave late, so it’s almost seven by the time they arrive. Elizabeth wins the prize. Jessica is shocked - what she said is true. What Elizabeth says is always true. It’s practically Papal authority. Jessica bursts into tears and runs out. Elizabeth goes to comfort her. Their plan goes into action!
They change clothes - they’re doing the old twin switch. Elizabeth cycles off on her previously hidden bike. Jessica tells Maria and Amy that they need to be by the payphone every twenty minutes starting from 7.20. If she doesn’t call, something’s wrong. Elizabeth is on a stakeout.
This is ridiculously dangerous. She should have called the police right about now. She goes to the Fowler mansion, but the van drives past it. She follows it. Maria answers the phone - Liz is moving on to the Howells. Meanwhile, Jessica is pretending to be both of them at different moments. She goes to the Howells, but the van does not come.
Amy gets worried about Elizabeth. Jessica: “I’ve been too busy changing clothes to think about it.” Niice.
Elizabeth goes to the Ritemans and then the Havers, but still no van. Oh, whose house could it be? She decides to go home and call from there. She sees Steven at the front of the house. He’s talking to a friend - they’re going to see a rival school play basketball as prep for a game they’re playing next week or something. Steven mentions seeing a van go past four times whilst he was waiting for his friend. Steven, not so bright.
Elizabeth lets herself in the house to make her call. She decides to leave the lights off in case Steven comes back for something. Elizabeth, not so bright either.
She calls Maria, but during the conversation the Beaumonts show up. Dun dun dun! Mr Beaumont has his hand over liz’s mouth. She bites his hand, she gets away, but he grabs her by the ankle. He shoves her in the kitchen broom closet. Beaumont thinks they should take her with them, as insurance until they cross the Mexican border. Yeah, felony kidnapping, that’s a good charge to have. In true Bond villain style, he explains that he and Margaret are going to Mexico, changing their names to Diaz, and are going to do it again. They can’t wait to fill their van with the “Wakefield valuables”, as if merely looking around their kitchen wouldn’t have shown them how mundane their property is. Elizabeth grasps the tennis shoe full of jewellery to her chest. A bad idea, bringing an old shoe to the attention of people. She should have just left it on the floor.
Jessica Maria and Amy conference. Jessica realises they took her lying for truth. NOW they call the police. Jessica, as Elizabeth, makes the speech for winning Miss Manners or whatever. Her speech consists of “Stop her! She’s a crook and a phony! And her creepy husband has done something to my sister!” Jessica’s dad yanks her off the podium, but not before she’s revealed she is Jessica and rubs it in Janet’s face, because she has ended up the winner some how.
Back at the robbery, Richard and Beaumont, being none too bright, are confused by the lack of antiques and consider asking Elizabeth. They think maybe the antiques are hidden, like when Moe’s bar had to be hidden during prohibition. They demand “the stuff”. Elizabeth gives them the shoe. The police arrive!
The Wakefields reunite. Much hugs all round. Steven arrives back, and thinks the police are there because he went missing.
Everyone at school is in awe of Elizabeth. The Beaumonts were doing the gallery thing to check out who had money. Then the charm school thing… for a laugh? Don’t know.
Anyway, we end on Elizabeth, Maria and Amy toasting each other with their milk cartons. Hurrah!