SVH No. 122: A Kiss Before Dying, part one
Last week, I recapped the very long and tedious The High School War. Here comes the next and final book in this preposterous miniseries. This book is, thankfully, much more entertaining than the one before it, but it's also really long and action-filled, so I'm going to break the recap into two parts. Hope that's okay, mods!
We begin where we left off - the aftermath of the big warehouse battle. Well, the most recent big warehouse battle. That part of Sweet Valley sees a lot of action in these books. Anyway, Elizabeth is watching Todd being carted off to the big house. She sees Bruce "lying face-down on the ground as a female officer stood over him, reading him his rights". I bet there are people who pay good money for that sort of thing. Anyway, Elizabeth is shocked to see Bruce "treated like a dangerous criminal". Um, Elizabeth, Bruce has spent this entire mini-series instigating and commiting violence and vandalism. He IS a criminal. And as we know from all his attempted raping in the past, he's pretty dangerous. God, Elizabeth is stupid. She wonders to Enid if Todd will ever forgive her for calling the cops. There's a recap of the whole battle and Liz goes to find Jessica, whereupon the ghost writer acknowledges that Enid doesn't like Jess, and with good reason. Then of course there's the usual twin personality comparison, although thank God we're spared the golden hair/aqua eyes/size 6 physical description (for once). Liz asks Amy and Lila if they've seen Jess, and they have - they saw her heading off in Christian's van. They're both a bit pissed off with Jess because of her recent mysterious behaviour. Amy wants to go home, impatiently asking how long they have to hang around because "the action seems to be dying down". Neither Liz nor Lila are impressed with Amy's callousness, with Lila awesomely glaring at Amy and sarcastically saying "the thrill is gone, I guess".
Jess, meanwhile, is driving along in the van, demonstrating her sociopathic ability to switch off human emotions as she "sighs contentedly" while she gazes at Christian. Lest we forget, an hour ago she had a supposedly devastating encounter with her boyfriend and a few minutes ago she witnessed him and all her male friends taking part in a hideous fight. She tells Christian she never wants to go back to Sweet Valley and there's a longwinded recap of the previous two books' epic love story. Back in the present, Jess announces her desire to keep going down to Mexico, where she and Christian can live in the van. She declares that they can "feast on tropical fruit and fresh fish" and if I remember Lord of the Flies correctly, that diet will make them pretty sick after a while. Or was that just the fruit? Actually, speaking of Lord of the Flies, it would probably take Jess about a week to go feral and start worshiping a pig's head on a stick - her inability to feel any empathy with another human being suggests she's half way there already. Anyway, there's a bit of flirtatious banter between the two lovers and it's actually almost a relief to read a conversation between these two that doesn't consist of angst and/or bland declarations of love. Then Jess gets tearful thinking about the present. She knows they have to forget about fantasy and face the reality of their situation.
The next scene is kind of hilarious. Todd is in the slammer, having been thrown into a cell by a burly, callous police officer. Todd panics when it hits him that "he was being locked up, caged like a wild beast". If the cap fits, Toddster! He wants to "scream, or weep - anything to stop the raging storm in his brain". Heavens! The cop glares at Todd "with eyes as brown and cold as dirt" (unlike Todd's own brown peepers which are, of course, coffee coloured). He's basically a stereotypical redneck cop, who has somehow ended up in the fanciest, WASPiest town on earth. He warns the cell occupants not to fight, which is when Todd (presumably previously too distracted by the raging storm in his brain to notice his cellmates) realises for the first time that some of the PH lads are in there too. So is Bruce, and he and Todd talk about how they're doing now they're on the inside, like they're in an episode of OZ or something. They recognise evil Greg McMullen as their cellmate, he who punched Ken in the stomach at the football match which kicked off this whole farcical "war". We get a reminder of the ghostwriter's hilarious inability to write convincing trash talk when we're told that Greg taunted Ken "with the name 'little windbag'". Bwahaha!
Anyway, Todd has a rare moment of sensible clarity when he realises that regardless of who is in the right, they've all ended up in the same jail cell. Maybe they should make peace? But just as he's going to do the right thing, McMullen starts up with the craptastic insults, asking after his old enemy "little windbag" (that will never stop being stupidly funny) and mocking the attack on Winston. Todd becomes enraged yet again, thinking that the PH louts are, bizarrely, "nothing but slugs who made the world a scummy place". The hell? Anyway, inevitably "Todd's hope for peace was replaced with a blinding rage" and he "leaped towards the PH guys, barely conscious of his movements". Good Lord. I think Todd needs to see an anger management counsellor. Or a plain old pyschiatrist. It sounds like he's having psychotic episodes. The cop drags him off his prey and locks him up in solitary. He's in the Hole! It's like the Shawshank Redemption without the interesting characters and moving opera-playing scene. Anyway, Todd's "mind screams" that he's not a criminal and that he's "a nice kid really. I don't belong in jail" but as he has shown a total inability to control his extreme anger throughout the mini-series, I think we can all agree that jail, or a hospital, is the best place for him at the moment.
Maria rightly wants Winston to go to hospital after his beating. Apart from his wounds, he can't think clearly and seems to have a concussion. Maria, Enid and Liz take him to the hospital despite his protests, where they find lots of the SVH gang. The other jocks praise psycho Todd's mad fighting skillz ("The guy was on the rampage like you wouldn't believe!"), to Liz's disgust. The girls are all really upset, but the guys are acting as if, as Maria says, "it's all a big pep rally". Enid and Liz go off to get coffees and there's a weird bit where they actually come across like real, if childish, human beings - they overhear nurses talking about 'the pros and cons of castile-soap enemas" and we're told that "at any other time, Elizabeth and Enid would have been on the brink of hysterical laughter. But tonight, nothing could lighten their mood". Now, I'm afraid to say that, especially when I was 16, overhearing a serious conversation about enemas could have made me snigger childishly. But when has there ever been even a suggestion that Enid and Liz even know what an arse is? I just can't imagine them laughing hysterically like normal teenagers about that sort of thing. Liz says she's given up trying to do anything positive about the war because anything she tries backfires (rather like the enemas, perhaps. Sorry!). Enid is "bemused".
Christian and Jess are still poncing around town in his sordid love van, and a typically turgid conversation ensues. Christian says that perhaps the police intervention means that the two schools will see the error of their ways. They part, and Jess sneaks into the Wakefields' split-level ranch house at dawn to find Liz weeping all over the Spanish tiles in the kitchen. Jess is atypically horrified to hear about what happened to Winston and the arrested thugs, although I think it's just because she knows it might affect her poxy romance with Christian rather than because she's feeling empathy. Speaking of her romance, she tells Liz all, revealing the name of her mystery man. Liz is appalled that Jess is involved with a "gang leader" but then admits that Todd is a total psycho too so how can she blame Jess for loving a violent man, and let me remind you that so far we haven't seen any evidence that Christian is particularly violent. Todd, on the other hand, can't get into even a mild argument without punching someone in the face.
The next day, Enid is comforting Liz, who is totally knackered thanks to the wild night and her worries about Todd. Liz wishes she could tell Enid about Jess and Christian but then thinks that "Enid wouldn't understand what was going on with Jessica. Elizabeth could barely understand it herself". Um, Liz, what's to understand? She's fallen for someone who happens to go to a rival school. She's not exactly breaking some universal taboo. It's not like she wants to go out with Steven or something. Liz sees Todd at his locker, but "his coffee brown eyes [yes!], usually so warm and open, were hard and cold". He cruelly ignores Liz. After he stomps off, some random students voice their opinions on the whole thing: blah blah Olivia supports Liz, some randomer called Ricky Ordway who has never been heard of before and never will be again accuses Liz of stabbling the Toddster in the back, Bruce says she left Todd to "rot in jail forever" and points out that even the injured Winston came to see Todd in jail. He was in a police station, Bruce! It's not the Big House! Ever the misogynist, Bruce says that you can trust your buddies but never a woman. Liz wishes she could escape the high school war, but everywhere she goes, people are talking about it.
Meanwhile, Jessica is feeling that human emotion called "guilt" for the first time. What's seldom is wonderful. We're told that Jess "usually managed to avoid feeling guilty quite well". You don't say! Anyway, she now feels guilt about Ken and realises she has to face him. Unfortunately she's feeling drab and washed out so rushes to the bathroom to apply her make-up, but despite her application of "ginger-flower blush" , "the haggard shadows remained". She heads for the football field, and pauses to admire Ken's muscular physique and football skills. But when Ken sees her, he freezes. She tries to apologise and has a rather ridiculous flashback to her happy times with Ken. She does, however, seem to be genuinely sorry for what she's done, and says so. Jessica feeling real sorrow? Ken rightly says that she should get Liz to write about this miraculous phenomenon in the Oracle. He also says that he doesn't hate her, but that he wishes that if she had to cheat, she could have chosen someone better than Christian. Jess wisely decides not the defend Christian, which surprised me because I was sure she would. There's an almost genuinely touching moment when Ken tucks an "errant strand of hair" behind Jess's ear and, with tears in his eyes, tells her that "for what it's worth, I'm sorry too".
By this stage, everyone knows about how Liz "betrayed" Todd and, in much bigger news, about Jess and Christian. They're the talk of the school. I feel kind of sorry for the twins. Actually, the next scene is pretty good. The girls' disparate groups of friends join together at a single lunch table in solidarity with the twins. It's kind of nice, really. Maria reveals that someone has apparently written the twins' phone number on the boys' bathroom wall with the words "for a good backstag, call the Wakefield babes". Why do I suspect this isn't the first time the twins have been written about on bathroom walls? Amy thinks that Elizabeth may be forgiven by the judgemental SVH populace, but not Jess: "Kissing up to the enemy is serious. I think they actually execute people who do it during a war". Olivia and Enid basically tell Amy to shut the f*ck up. The jocks approach, and the wonderful Lila calls them "the goon squad". Winston is all bandaged up like a mummy. The boys make some horrible comments about the girls' table smelling of "Palisades stink". Urgh. Liz stands up the goons and makes a quite decent speech, asking what exactly the boys hope to achieve with their "war" - are they going to march in and occupy PH? What about the Palisades elementary school? Where's it going to end? She ends her stirring speech by pulling a Lysistrata and announcing that until the war ends, none of the girls will have anything to do with the warring boys. She's horrifed when she realises what she's just said "without thinking, in the heat of the argument", and the boys sneer, saying they know their laydeez are loyal, but the other girls all stand up and join her, "I am Spartacus" style. Then they awesomely just ignore the goons and start talking about movies while Bruce and Co fume. It's pretty cool. Bruce is so enraged that he throws his uneaten sandwich on his lunch tray. That'll show 'em, Brucie! He wonders whether the SVH girls are both "both traitors and dumb" and shows that Todd's not the only one with anger issues when he has an urge to throw his tray at Liz's head and his chair at Jessica. How precise - he's chosen a different missile for each twin. He stomps off with his cronies, snarling that Jessica "is going to pay". He's quite sinister.
Jess thinks so too, as she has to "close her eyes, reeling from Bruce's cutting remarks". Hey, it wasn't that biting a remark. I mean, he could have been a bit more imaginative. Anyway, Jess basically has a panic attack and feels like she's drowning. She has to escape the cafeteria, and Liz follows her but Jess wants to be alone. The twins share A Moment before Liz leaves. Jess starts bawling and wishing she was with Cjristian, and lo and behold he appears, driving in what seems, frankly, like an erratic and dangerous fashion ("swerving into the parking lot" with "screeching tires"). And seriously, what the hell is he doing there? What are the odds that Jess'd be outside after a panic attack? Was he planning on going into the school and searching for her? Jess thinks it's kind of odd too but accepts his explanation that he knew she needed him because he "needed her". There's some sickening cutesy badinage before Jess decides to cut school and they head off the Van of Lurve.
Todd and Ken are driving around too, only there's less lovers' banter and more emo scowling. Todd finds himself heading to the warehouse, unsure why but knowing that he "has to" go there. They enter the warehouse and are awestruck by the destruction - there are bits of wood everywhere because "the guys had ripped off the deckboards for makeshift weapons and, brandishing their wooden swords, had charged the enemy like medieval crusaders". This whole war is so fucking ridiculous. Anyway, wise old Todd thinks "I've never read a history book or watched a PBS documentary that said that the Crusades were a good idea", like Todd has ever read a history book or indeed watched a history documentary in his life. Ken is also horrified by the aftermath of the preposterous battle. Todd tells him about his jailhouse rock and how he was about to suggest peace when he attacked McMullen. He says that when he was in the Hole "it hit me - my real self came back and I realised I was in deep trouble...it was like something out of a nightmare". Todd is seriously having delusional episodes! He said he wanted to come to the scene of the crime to prove to himself that it all really happened. Oh, man. Ken bitches about Jess and Todd bitches about Liz. Those fickle, disloyal Wakefields!
Blah blah another stupid Jess and Christian scene blah he calls her "surfer girl" all the time which is really annoying for some reason blah frolicking amid the waves blah blah blah...
Liz, Olivia and Enid are on a daring mission - they're meeting their PH chums on the enemy turf to talk about the girls' new plan. Why are they meeting them there? Surely it would have been easier to meet on neutral ground. Anyway, Liz arranged the meeting by "E-mail" (dig that capital E) which must be one of the first appearances of such technology in the SVH universe. They meet Marla and Caitlin, the PH ladies, and Marla wraps her hair into a chignon with a bandana. Stylish. They chat on their way to the bleachers, and it turns out that the bit about Winston being led into a trap didn't make it into the PH gossip about the big fight. The SVH posse tell their chums about the no-dates scheme, and the PH girls are impressed. They agree to suggest it to their fellows, but then along comes a "tough looking girl" in a black leather jacket and faded blue jeans "ripped across each thigh". She also has a "lean, muscular build" and walks with a "steady, confident stride". So of course we know she is EVIL. It turns out she's both a competitive surfer and the girlfriend of evil Greg McMullen (of "little windbag" fame). Marla says that Rosie is more like "Greg's trained Dobermann pinscher" and Caitlin says "pitbull is more like it" and this all sounds kind of pervy. There's something about Rosie that "sets of a warning in Elizabeth's head" - apparently she "seemed to carry bad vibes around with her". Way to judge someone before she's even opened her mouth, Liz.
Anyway, Rosie approaches with a friendly smile which freaks Liz out because how could someone laden down with all those bad vibes be friendly? The PH girls are even more wary, but at least they actually know Rosie. Rosie gushingly praises the latest edition of the PH paper, of which Marla is of course the editor. She then fawns over the SVH girls and says she's seen the Oracle (how?) and raves how great Liz's writing and Olivia's photos are. Both Liz and Liv are frankly rude and surly in response. Then Rosie admits she has an ulterior motive for approaching them (Marla gives a snarky response) and says, "sweetly" (so you know something's up), that she wanted to meet Liz. Of course the fame of Saint Liz has spread far and wide! Who wouldn't want to meet her? Rosie wants to talk to Liz alone, saying that both their boyfriends are involved in this war, and maybe they can come with something to help if they put their heads together. Why dot hey have to talk about this alone? Rosie is so cartoonishly dodgy. Liz agrees to wander off and talk to this sinister stranger, even though she already has a plan of her own and her "gut" is warning her to get away from Rosie. Then she considers the possibility that maybe Rosie isn't so bad after all and they head off for a walk around the PH running track. What the hell?
Blah blah surfing lesson blah Jess has shown Christian he doesn't have to compete with his older brother blah blah at least no one in Palisades knows about the star-crossed lovahs blah OH MY GOD THESE TWO ARE SO BORING I WISH HE'D JUST DIE ALREADY! Ahem.
Rosie and Liz are walking round and round the track. Rosie says she's tried to stay out of the war before now but she can't ignore it anymore - "if we're not part of the solution, we're part of the problem". She talks about how the war has come between her and Greg and of course Liz suddenly thinks she's discovered a kindred spirit. Maybe her snap judgement about Rosie was wrong? Rosie seems to confirm this when she says that she too is a would-be writer, but whenever she tries to put pen to paper, her ideas "turn into garbage". Liz is totally patronising as she tells Rosie that the same thing happens to her and that it's okay to produce what Anne Lamott memorably calls "shitty first drafts" (not that Liz quotes Anne Lamott, of course) and even though it's sensible advice, the fact that Liz "chuckles" as she tells Rosie to have confidence and acts like she herself is a really experienced professional writer is totally annoying. Rosie encourages Liz by fawning over her glorious natural writing talents, and then says that she wanted to write for the PH paper, but when she submitted a "really personal" article about her Danish grandmother, Marla "sent it back with a nasty note telling her to stick to surfing". Liz is horrifed that her chum Marla could be so cruel and gives Rosie another pep talk about how she has to believe in herself and never let anyone put her off writing and again, this would all be sensible advice and wouldn't annoy me if it wasn't being given to a teenager by a fellow 16 year old who is acting like some sort of wise literary sage. Anyway, Rosie clunkily namedrops Christina Rossetti who is of course Liz's favourite poet (although her favourite poet used to be Elizabeth Barrett Browning, but meh, surely all 19th century English female poets are exactly the same!). So the two of the them bond over their shared tastes and Liz chastises herself for judging a book by its cover. Of course, as this is a Sweet Valley book she really is right to judge a book by its scruffy, slightly butch cover because as we all know, if someone is a good person then they are not only beautiful but also girlie and preppy.
So anyway, Rosie mentions the fact that Liz has a twin and Liz wonders whether she should tell her about Jess's illicit romance. Then, ridiculously, she decides that because Rosie has "opened up" to her and trusts her - well, she told her about her bad poetry and Danish grandmother - she somehow owes it to her to tell her about Jess and Christian. She says that if the rivalry is ended through the collective efforts of Rosie and Liz then "Jessica will be the happiest one of all". That's some crazy logic there, Liz. So she tells Rosie, adding that the SVH guys must be planning something to get back at PH for what they did to Winston - and also for daring to touch one of "their" women, I suppose. God, Sweet Valley is freaking medieval. Anyway, Rosie says they have to figure out a plan before the SVH gang "move against us - I mean, against the PH guys". Oh my God, Rosie is such a cartoonish suspicious person! This is ludicrous. Although really, why would I expect it to be anything else? Anyway, Rosie asks loads of questions about the SVH gang's plans but Liz doesn't know anything, so Rosie asks her to call her if she hears anything (although how she's going to do that when they haven't exchanged numbers is beyond me) and she'll do the same. Rosie heads off and Liz is all happy that she's found an ally, even though she already had allies and a plan and I can't see what difference she hinks Rosie is going to make now. Seriously, she thinks that "Rosie was going to come to the rescue" and I can't for the life of me see what Rosie did or said to make Liz think that she has any great abilities or insights that will help resolve this ridiculous war. And now we're half way through the book and this recap is already what seems like a million years long, so I think, like Liz and Todd, it might be a good idea to take a break.
We begin where we left off - the aftermath of the big warehouse battle. Well, the most recent big warehouse battle. That part of Sweet Valley sees a lot of action in these books. Anyway, Elizabeth is watching Todd being carted off to the big house. She sees Bruce "lying face-down on the ground as a female officer stood over him, reading him his rights". I bet there are people who pay good money for that sort of thing. Anyway, Elizabeth is shocked to see Bruce "treated like a dangerous criminal". Um, Elizabeth, Bruce has spent this entire mini-series instigating and commiting violence and vandalism. He IS a criminal. And as we know from all his attempted raping in the past, he's pretty dangerous. God, Elizabeth is stupid. She wonders to Enid if Todd will ever forgive her for calling the cops. There's a recap of the whole battle and Liz goes to find Jessica, whereupon the ghost writer acknowledges that Enid doesn't like Jess, and with good reason. Then of course there's the usual twin personality comparison, although thank God we're spared the golden hair/aqua eyes/size 6 physical description (for once). Liz asks Amy and Lila if they've seen Jess, and they have - they saw her heading off in Christian's van. They're both a bit pissed off with Jess because of her recent mysterious behaviour. Amy wants to go home, impatiently asking how long they have to hang around because "the action seems to be dying down". Neither Liz nor Lila are impressed with Amy's callousness, with Lila awesomely glaring at Amy and sarcastically saying "the thrill is gone, I guess".
Jess, meanwhile, is driving along in the van, demonstrating her sociopathic ability to switch off human emotions as she "sighs contentedly" while she gazes at Christian. Lest we forget, an hour ago she had a supposedly devastating encounter with her boyfriend and a few minutes ago she witnessed him and all her male friends taking part in a hideous fight. She tells Christian she never wants to go back to Sweet Valley and there's a longwinded recap of the previous two books' epic love story. Back in the present, Jess announces her desire to keep going down to Mexico, where she and Christian can live in the van. She declares that they can "feast on tropical fruit and fresh fish" and if I remember Lord of the Flies correctly, that diet will make them pretty sick after a while. Or was that just the fruit? Actually, speaking of Lord of the Flies, it would probably take Jess about a week to go feral and start worshiping a pig's head on a stick - her inability to feel any empathy with another human being suggests she's half way there already. Anyway, there's a bit of flirtatious banter between the two lovers and it's actually almost a relief to read a conversation between these two that doesn't consist of angst and/or bland declarations of love. Then Jess gets tearful thinking about the present. She knows they have to forget about fantasy and face the reality of their situation.
The next scene is kind of hilarious. Todd is in the slammer, having been thrown into a cell by a burly, callous police officer. Todd panics when it hits him that "he was being locked up, caged like a wild beast". If the cap fits, Toddster! He wants to "scream, or weep - anything to stop the raging storm in his brain". Heavens! The cop glares at Todd "with eyes as brown and cold as dirt" (unlike Todd's own brown peepers which are, of course, coffee coloured). He's basically a stereotypical redneck cop, who has somehow ended up in the fanciest, WASPiest town on earth. He warns the cell occupants not to fight, which is when Todd (presumably previously too distracted by the raging storm in his brain to notice his cellmates) realises for the first time that some of the PH lads are in there too. So is Bruce, and he and Todd talk about how they're doing now they're on the inside, like they're in an episode of OZ or something. They recognise evil Greg McMullen as their cellmate, he who punched Ken in the stomach at the football match which kicked off this whole farcical "war". We get a reminder of the ghostwriter's hilarious inability to write convincing trash talk when we're told that Greg taunted Ken "with the name 'little windbag'". Bwahaha!
Anyway, Todd has a rare moment of sensible clarity when he realises that regardless of who is in the right, they've all ended up in the same jail cell. Maybe they should make peace? But just as he's going to do the right thing, McMullen starts up with the craptastic insults, asking after his old enemy "little windbag" (that will never stop being stupidly funny) and mocking the attack on Winston. Todd becomes enraged yet again, thinking that the PH louts are, bizarrely, "nothing but slugs who made the world a scummy place". The hell? Anyway, inevitably "Todd's hope for peace was replaced with a blinding rage" and he "leaped towards the PH guys, barely conscious of his movements". Good Lord. I think Todd needs to see an anger management counsellor. Or a plain old pyschiatrist. It sounds like he's having psychotic episodes. The cop drags him off his prey and locks him up in solitary. He's in the Hole! It's like the Shawshank Redemption without the interesting characters and moving opera-playing scene. Anyway, Todd's "mind screams" that he's not a criminal and that he's "a nice kid really. I don't belong in jail" but as he has shown a total inability to control his extreme anger throughout the mini-series, I think we can all agree that jail, or a hospital, is the best place for him at the moment.
Maria rightly wants Winston to go to hospital after his beating. Apart from his wounds, he can't think clearly and seems to have a concussion. Maria, Enid and Liz take him to the hospital despite his protests, where they find lots of the SVH gang. The other jocks praise psycho Todd's mad fighting skillz ("The guy was on the rampage like you wouldn't believe!"), to Liz's disgust. The girls are all really upset, but the guys are acting as if, as Maria says, "it's all a big pep rally". Enid and Liz go off to get coffees and there's a weird bit where they actually come across like real, if childish, human beings - they overhear nurses talking about 'the pros and cons of castile-soap enemas" and we're told that "at any other time, Elizabeth and Enid would have been on the brink of hysterical laughter. But tonight, nothing could lighten their mood". Now, I'm afraid to say that, especially when I was 16, overhearing a serious conversation about enemas could have made me snigger childishly. But when has there ever been even a suggestion that Enid and Liz even know what an arse is? I just can't imagine them laughing hysterically like normal teenagers about that sort of thing. Liz says she's given up trying to do anything positive about the war because anything she tries backfires (rather like the enemas, perhaps. Sorry!). Enid is "bemused".
Christian and Jess are still poncing around town in his sordid love van, and a typically turgid conversation ensues. Christian says that perhaps the police intervention means that the two schools will see the error of their ways. They part, and Jess sneaks into the Wakefields' split-level ranch house at dawn to find Liz weeping all over the Spanish tiles in the kitchen. Jess is atypically horrified to hear about what happened to Winston and the arrested thugs, although I think it's just because she knows it might affect her poxy romance with Christian rather than because she's feeling empathy. Speaking of her romance, she tells Liz all, revealing the name of her mystery man. Liz is appalled that Jess is involved with a "gang leader" but then admits that Todd is a total psycho too so how can she blame Jess for loving a violent man, and let me remind you that so far we haven't seen any evidence that Christian is particularly violent. Todd, on the other hand, can't get into even a mild argument without punching someone in the face.
The next day, Enid is comforting Liz, who is totally knackered thanks to the wild night and her worries about Todd. Liz wishes she could tell Enid about Jess and Christian but then thinks that "Enid wouldn't understand what was going on with Jessica. Elizabeth could barely understand it herself". Um, Liz, what's to understand? She's fallen for someone who happens to go to a rival school. She's not exactly breaking some universal taboo. It's not like she wants to go out with Steven or something. Liz sees Todd at his locker, but "his coffee brown eyes [yes!], usually so warm and open, were hard and cold". He cruelly ignores Liz. After he stomps off, some random students voice their opinions on the whole thing: blah blah Olivia supports Liz, some randomer called Ricky Ordway who has never been heard of before and never will be again accuses Liz of stabbling the Toddster in the back, Bruce says she left Todd to "rot in jail forever" and points out that even the injured Winston came to see Todd in jail. He was in a police station, Bruce! It's not the Big House! Ever the misogynist, Bruce says that you can trust your buddies but never a woman. Liz wishes she could escape the high school war, but everywhere she goes, people are talking about it.
Meanwhile, Jessica is feeling that human emotion called "guilt" for the first time. What's seldom is wonderful. We're told that Jess "usually managed to avoid feeling guilty quite well". You don't say! Anyway, she now feels guilt about Ken and realises she has to face him. Unfortunately she's feeling drab and washed out so rushes to the bathroom to apply her make-up, but despite her application of "ginger-flower blush" , "the haggard shadows remained". She heads for the football field, and pauses to admire Ken's muscular physique and football skills. But when Ken sees her, he freezes. She tries to apologise and has a rather ridiculous flashback to her happy times with Ken. She does, however, seem to be genuinely sorry for what she's done, and says so. Jessica feeling real sorrow? Ken rightly says that she should get Liz to write about this miraculous phenomenon in the Oracle. He also says that he doesn't hate her, but that he wishes that if she had to cheat, she could have chosen someone better than Christian. Jess wisely decides not the defend Christian, which surprised me because I was sure she would. There's an almost genuinely touching moment when Ken tucks an "errant strand of hair" behind Jess's ear and, with tears in his eyes, tells her that "for what it's worth, I'm sorry too".
By this stage, everyone knows about how Liz "betrayed" Todd and, in much bigger news, about Jess and Christian. They're the talk of the school. I feel kind of sorry for the twins. Actually, the next scene is pretty good. The girls' disparate groups of friends join together at a single lunch table in solidarity with the twins. It's kind of nice, really. Maria reveals that someone has apparently written the twins' phone number on the boys' bathroom wall with the words "for a good backstag, call the Wakefield babes". Why do I suspect this isn't the first time the twins have been written about on bathroom walls? Amy thinks that Elizabeth may be forgiven by the judgemental SVH populace, but not Jess: "Kissing up to the enemy is serious. I think they actually execute people who do it during a war". Olivia and Enid basically tell Amy to shut the f*ck up. The jocks approach, and the wonderful Lila calls them "the goon squad". Winston is all bandaged up like a mummy. The boys make some horrible comments about the girls' table smelling of "Palisades stink". Urgh. Liz stands up the goons and makes a quite decent speech, asking what exactly the boys hope to achieve with their "war" - are they going to march in and occupy PH? What about the Palisades elementary school? Where's it going to end? She ends her stirring speech by pulling a Lysistrata and announcing that until the war ends, none of the girls will have anything to do with the warring boys. She's horrifed when she realises what she's just said "without thinking, in the heat of the argument", and the boys sneer, saying they know their laydeez are loyal, but the other girls all stand up and join her, "I am Spartacus" style. Then they awesomely just ignore the goons and start talking about movies while Bruce and Co fume. It's pretty cool. Bruce is so enraged that he throws his uneaten sandwich on his lunch tray. That'll show 'em, Brucie! He wonders whether the SVH girls are both "both traitors and dumb" and shows that Todd's not the only one with anger issues when he has an urge to throw his tray at Liz's head and his chair at Jessica. How precise - he's chosen a different missile for each twin. He stomps off with his cronies, snarling that Jessica "is going to pay". He's quite sinister.
Jess thinks so too, as she has to "close her eyes, reeling from Bruce's cutting remarks". Hey, it wasn't that biting a remark. I mean, he could have been a bit more imaginative. Anyway, Jess basically has a panic attack and feels like she's drowning. She has to escape the cafeteria, and Liz follows her but Jess wants to be alone. The twins share A Moment before Liz leaves. Jess starts bawling and wishing she was with Cjristian, and lo and behold he appears, driving in what seems, frankly, like an erratic and dangerous fashion ("swerving into the parking lot" with "screeching tires"). And seriously, what the hell is he doing there? What are the odds that Jess'd be outside after a panic attack? Was he planning on going into the school and searching for her? Jess thinks it's kind of odd too but accepts his explanation that he knew she needed him because he "needed her". There's some sickening cutesy badinage before Jess decides to cut school and they head off the Van of Lurve.
Todd and Ken are driving around too, only there's less lovers' banter and more emo scowling. Todd finds himself heading to the warehouse, unsure why but knowing that he "has to" go there. They enter the warehouse and are awestruck by the destruction - there are bits of wood everywhere because "the guys had ripped off the deckboards for makeshift weapons and, brandishing their wooden swords, had charged the enemy like medieval crusaders". This whole war is so fucking ridiculous. Anyway, wise old Todd thinks "I've never read a history book or watched a PBS documentary that said that the Crusades were a good idea", like Todd has ever read a history book or indeed watched a history documentary in his life. Ken is also horrified by the aftermath of the preposterous battle. Todd tells him about his jailhouse rock and how he was about to suggest peace when he attacked McMullen. He says that when he was in the Hole "it hit me - my real self came back and I realised I was in deep trouble...it was like something out of a nightmare". Todd is seriously having delusional episodes! He said he wanted to come to the scene of the crime to prove to himself that it all really happened. Oh, man. Ken bitches about Jess and Todd bitches about Liz. Those fickle, disloyal Wakefields!
Blah blah another stupid Jess and Christian scene blah he calls her "surfer girl" all the time which is really annoying for some reason blah frolicking amid the waves blah blah blah...
Liz, Olivia and Enid are on a daring mission - they're meeting their PH chums on the enemy turf to talk about the girls' new plan. Why are they meeting them there? Surely it would have been easier to meet on neutral ground. Anyway, Liz arranged the meeting by "E-mail" (dig that capital E) which must be one of the first appearances of such technology in the SVH universe. They meet Marla and Caitlin, the PH ladies, and Marla wraps her hair into a chignon with a bandana. Stylish. They chat on their way to the bleachers, and it turns out that the bit about Winston being led into a trap didn't make it into the PH gossip about the big fight. The SVH posse tell their chums about the no-dates scheme, and the PH girls are impressed. They agree to suggest it to their fellows, but then along comes a "tough looking girl" in a black leather jacket and faded blue jeans "ripped across each thigh". She also has a "lean, muscular build" and walks with a "steady, confident stride". So of course we know she is EVIL. It turns out she's both a competitive surfer and the girlfriend of evil Greg McMullen (of "little windbag" fame). Marla says that Rosie is more like "Greg's trained Dobermann pinscher" and Caitlin says "pitbull is more like it" and this all sounds kind of pervy. There's something about Rosie that "sets of a warning in Elizabeth's head" - apparently she "seemed to carry bad vibes around with her". Way to judge someone before she's even opened her mouth, Liz.
Anyway, Rosie approaches with a friendly smile which freaks Liz out because how could someone laden down with all those bad vibes be friendly? The PH girls are even more wary, but at least they actually know Rosie. Rosie gushingly praises the latest edition of the PH paper, of which Marla is of course the editor. She then fawns over the SVH girls and says she's seen the Oracle (how?) and raves how great Liz's writing and Olivia's photos are. Both Liz and Liv are frankly rude and surly in response. Then Rosie admits she has an ulterior motive for approaching them (Marla gives a snarky response) and says, "sweetly" (so you know something's up), that she wanted to meet Liz. Of course the fame of Saint Liz has spread far and wide! Who wouldn't want to meet her? Rosie wants to talk to Liz alone, saying that both their boyfriends are involved in this war, and maybe they can come with something to help if they put their heads together. Why dot hey have to talk about this alone? Rosie is so cartoonishly dodgy. Liz agrees to wander off and talk to this sinister stranger, even though she already has a plan of her own and her "gut" is warning her to get away from Rosie. Then she considers the possibility that maybe Rosie isn't so bad after all and they head off for a walk around the PH running track. What the hell?
Blah blah surfing lesson blah Jess has shown Christian he doesn't have to compete with his older brother blah blah at least no one in Palisades knows about the star-crossed lovahs blah OH MY GOD THESE TWO ARE SO BORING I WISH HE'D JUST DIE ALREADY! Ahem.
Rosie and Liz are walking round and round the track. Rosie says she's tried to stay out of the war before now but she can't ignore it anymore - "if we're not part of the solution, we're part of the problem". She talks about how the war has come between her and Greg and of course Liz suddenly thinks she's discovered a kindred spirit. Maybe her snap judgement about Rosie was wrong? Rosie seems to confirm this when she says that she too is a would-be writer, but whenever she tries to put pen to paper, her ideas "turn into garbage". Liz is totally patronising as she tells Rosie that the same thing happens to her and that it's okay to produce what Anne Lamott memorably calls "shitty first drafts" (not that Liz quotes Anne Lamott, of course) and even though it's sensible advice, the fact that Liz "chuckles" as she tells Rosie to have confidence and acts like she herself is a really experienced professional writer is totally annoying. Rosie encourages Liz by fawning over her glorious natural writing talents, and then says that she wanted to write for the PH paper, but when she submitted a "really personal" article about her Danish grandmother, Marla "sent it back with a nasty note telling her to stick to surfing". Liz is horrifed that her chum Marla could be so cruel and gives Rosie another pep talk about how she has to believe in herself and never let anyone put her off writing and again, this would all be sensible advice and wouldn't annoy me if it wasn't being given to a teenager by a fellow 16 year old who is acting like some sort of wise literary sage. Anyway, Rosie clunkily namedrops Christina Rossetti who is of course Liz's favourite poet (although her favourite poet used to be Elizabeth Barrett Browning, but meh, surely all 19th century English female poets are exactly the same!). So the two of the them bond over their shared tastes and Liz chastises herself for judging a book by its cover. Of course, as this is a Sweet Valley book she really is right to judge a book by its scruffy, slightly butch cover because as we all know, if someone is a good person then they are not only beautiful but also girlie and preppy.
So anyway, Rosie mentions the fact that Liz has a twin and Liz wonders whether she should tell her about Jess's illicit romance. Then, ridiculously, she decides that because Rosie has "opened up" to her and trusts her - well, she told her about her bad poetry and Danish grandmother - she somehow owes it to her to tell her about Jess and Christian. She says that if the rivalry is ended through the collective efforts of Rosie and Liz then "Jessica will be the happiest one of all". That's some crazy logic there, Liz. So she tells Rosie, adding that the SVH guys must be planning something to get back at PH for what they did to Winston - and also for daring to touch one of "their" women, I suppose. God, Sweet Valley is freaking medieval. Anyway, Rosie says they have to figure out a plan before the SVH gang "move against us - I mean, against the PH guys". Oh my God, Rosie is such a cartoonish suspicious person! This is ludicrous. Although really, why would I expect it to be anything else? Anyway, Rosie asks loads of questions about the SVH gang's plans but Liz doesn't know anything, so Rosie asks her to call her if she hears anything (although how she's going to do that when they haven't exchanged numbers is beyond me) and she'll do the same. Rosie heads off and Liz is all happy that she's found an ally, even though she already had allies and a plan and I can't see what difference she hinks Rosie is going to make now. Seriously, she thinks that "Rosie was going to come to the rescue" and I can't for the life of me see what Rosie did or said to make Liz think that she has any great abilities or insights that will help resolve this ridiculous war. And now we're half way through the book and this recap is already what seems like a million years long, so I think, like Liz and Todd, it might be a good idea to take a break.