Sweet Valley University Thriller Edition: Very Bad Things
Hi! This is my first recap, and I’m pretty excited because this book is awesome. Even the cover is completely awesome. It features an unattractive red-headed woman who is presumably supposed to be Gia, a gorgeous blonde. She’s wearing ugly earrings, her hair is a mess. It looks like she is looking downward at someone and seems vaguely annoyed.
This book starts off with a bang. A sad, pale, and brown-haired girl named Leslie is undergoing cosmetic surgery in order to become a blue-eyed, blond-haired, and sparkly teenager named Gia. The surgery is so drastic that even the doctor is reluctant. “You are sure, Leslie? Because from here, there is no turning back.” Fortunately for us, the doctor proceeds despite his reservations and the surgery goes forth as planned.
You see, Leslie used to go to Tulane, where she had a boyfriend, Parker. He broke up with her either because he is obsessed with hot blond sorority girls or because Leslie is a freaking maniac, depending on who’s story you believe, and she then followed him to… you guessed it… Sweet Valley University.
Cut to hot blond sorority girl Jessica Wakefield at Yum-Yums Cafe. (Yes, Yum-Yums. I kid you not.) The big shock here is not that her coworker is Parker, and not that Parker has a crush on Jessica--how could he resist?--but that Jessica Wakefield is working.
Because this is a Thriller Edition, it is time for a psychic dream. Parker dreams that Leslie came back as a giant bird and tried to eat him. Could this mean something? Could this be indicative of Leslie re-entering his life? Could it be that her appearance has changed drastically? I suppose we'll have to wait and see... No, wait, we don’t. We already know.
Oh, Sweet Valley flashbacks, they never age well, do they? I really don't remember them being quite so... um... flimsy. A little girl (Leslie) is in the car with her parents. It is raining. They are fighting because the father is demanding a divorce in order to marry his secretary. The wife grabs the steering wheel from his hands, and we are privy to some of the worst writing I've ever seen. This ghost writer has apparently never spoken to a child under the age of ten. Either that or this child is srsly mentally deficient. "She could see the bright lights of another big truck--pretty lights, coming closer and closer. Why were Mommy and Daddy steering toward the truck?" Mom and Dad die. End scene.
Meanwhile, Elizabeth is just so hot that some guy named Sam can't stop staring at her. But because of whatever issues he's got going on, the fact that he likes her, means he likes her TOO much, and must stay away. And this girl Chloe likes Sam… because... wait for it… being Sam's gf will improve her status on campus. That’s so romantic, Chloe. Anyway, this girl is totally nuts. She starts looking at the food Sam had bitten before he left and wishing she could eat it, "drink the mocha that had touched the mouth she wanted to kiss so badly." But, wait: I thought Gia was the crazy stalker of this book! Just note that Chloe might be one of the most ridiculously pathetic characters ever to walk the halls of any Sweet Valley institution--university, middle school, high school, you name it. But, she is a Theta, so at least she’s got that going for her.
Lila wants to throw a brunch for the new Theta members, and Jessica offers to cater from Yum-Yums. Lila gives her the money, and kindly suggests JW put it in the bank so she doesn’t accidentally buy a dress she’s been coveting.
Just thought you should know: The Yum-Yum dishwasher's name is Enrico. Sigh.
So, Parker’s version of the Parker-and-Leslie love affair: Parker thought Leslie was cute, so the fact that all his friends found her creepy didn't bother him. It did bother him, though, that she quickly became obsessed with him and started following him around everywhere and doing other weird things after he wanted to stop seeing her, like bothering his new girlfriends and trashing his car. When even police involvement didn’t stop the torment, he quietly packed up and transferred to Sweet Valley University. Afraid she'll follow, he doesn't even write his old friends out of fear she'll see the postmarks. (Hadn't AOL already taken off in 2000? Maybe the truth is his friends aren't interested. I mean, he IS kind of a loser.)
In response to this story, Jessica Wakefield thinks, “She’d never heard of such an awful story of love gone bad.” Really? She’s had some pretty wild things happen.
The next scene is amazing. It's another flashback. Lil Orphan Leslie is with her cousins and they are playing the Torment Leslie Game. They are actually singing songs about how Leslie is a murderer and responsible for her parents deaths. They pull her hair. The scene is reminiscent of Lord of the Flies. Leslie can't take it anymore and her hand shoots out and smacks her cousin in the face. Now the aunt and uncle come running. The aunt is pissed as hell. This spooky little girl is disturbing her entire family and must go. The uncle reluctantly agrees. Poor crazy, scary Leslie....
Back to present time. Gia has become a Theta! Yay, Gia. WTG! She is rooming with pathetic Chloe. Chloe is jealous of Gia, who has become more popular than Chloe in a matter of minutes. What can I say, Chloe. Some people have it, some people don't. But Chloe is sad, because she had expected to find herself when she got to SVU, and it isn't working out as she had planned. And then Gia comes along and is instantly surrounded by friends.... Well, life is tough, Chloe. The sooner you find that out, the better. Besides, how could Chloe expect to compete with Gia's blue eyes, which (while not blue-green like the Pacific Ocean) continue to sparkle? Then Gia talks about how she used to be into Wicca, and Chloe ponders that she could use some Wicca in her life, if only to get Sam to like her.
To sum up what has happened so far: there are two crazy stalkers, Chloe and Gia, and they are coincidentally rooming together-and they are stalking Sam and Parker, who are coincidentally roommates-and the two of them are in love with Elizabeth and Jessica, respectively, although this love is not returned. And, by the way, Chloe has a Ninja Turtles back pack.
Liz and Sam get into a fight over Chloe. Liz doesn’t like the way Sam treats her. Sam rightfully points out that Liz is just jealous. Ooooh sting.
Chloe and Gia go to Yum-Yums so that Gia can meet Jess and her long-lost love Parker. Chloe flits away and Gia is left alone with Parker. They start flirting, which is kinda weird, and then Leslie starts being jealous of Gia. That’s a weird little part, but she moves on and continues to work on Parker. Naturally, since she already knows him, she lays the groundwork of how similar they are. And Jessica, eager to get Parker to leave her alone, helps by offering his services as tour guide.
Back at home, Chloe finds a book labeled, “Magickal Recipes.” After flipping through for a few minutes, she exclaims, “I know what this is! It’s a book of spells!” Yes, Chloe. Good detective work. She thinks about putting a spell on Sam, when Gia comes in. The important thing here is that they start to talk about how Chloe could get Sam to like her, and that is when we learn that Chloe, in an effort to seduce Sam, went to his house in a trench coat and lingerie and… accidentally flashed Elizabeth. Hahaha. Lil Miss Priss must have really freaked out when that happened.
Gia and Jess go shopping. Gia sticks a pin into Jess’s shoulder blade when she’s trying on a hot red dress, and convinces her to go for the brown-Parker's least favorite color, of course. This later turns into a huge part of Gia’s plan: Parker hates brown, mwah ha ha. Gia also learns about the money Jess is holding onto for the sorority, and how important the upcoming brunch is for her rep. Then, at home, Chloe convinces Gia to help her with a love spell. Gia thinks sadly how even though spells really do work, for her, they have never worked out the way she wanted.
Gia, Jess, and Parker are all in the same art history class. Their teacher proposes an interesting assignment: he and a colleague have made about regarding which method of research is more effective, the internet or the library, so the class is going to be divided in half. (We never find out the results.) Jess and Parker get the library. Gia gets the internet. Once in the library, Parker confesses that Gia weirds him out a little. She’s a little too perfect, as far as their shared interests are concerned, and she seems… familiar.
After getting her partner to do their project for them, Gia turns to other computer-related matters. She is a computer-whiz, you see, because she spent so much of childhood alone, so it is easy enough for her to access Jess’s schedule and delete art history. And, hmm, why not delete her entire transcript? Nice. And, what the hell, may as well hack into the bank system, and freeze Jess’s bank account and credit cards. No sweat. Oh yeah, the DMV… suspends her license. She’s got to get rid of Jessica Wakefield; she’ll get rid of every girl in Sweet Valley if she has. Because without Parker’s love, she’ll die. (That is a direct quote. She will die.)
Chloe tries to magick Sam into liking her, and goes over to see if it worked. Um, it didn’t. Oh, it’s because she wasn’t a real Wiccan, so she and Gia go to the beach to do a ceremony so she can become one and force Sam into loving her. They are going to put a spell on Sam’s comb… which he keeps in his pocket. Haha. Gia’s ulterior motive involves getting Chloe to do the spell wrong and mess everything up. Then there are a couple of scenes that really drive home the point that Chloe is an idiot. Those are fun.
Day of the Big Brunch. Gia and Chloe go over to Jess’s, where Chloe casts a spell on Sam, Gia convinces Jess to wear the brown dress, and Gia takes Jess’s shampoo. Jess and Parker go to pick up the food for the brunch, and her credit cards don’t work! Her bank account is empty! What is going on!! Lila come through and provides her credit card number… phew. Thank god for Lila. Geez, though: Earlier, Jess promised to bring sorority sister Tara her green apple shampoo for her to borrow after the brunch; if not for that, she would just bail on the whole thing and have Parker cater the party! (I don’t know why Parker couldn’t bring the shampoo.)
After the brunch. Oh my god! Tara’s hair is colored apple green!! No one believes Jessica didn’t do it; she was clearly jealous of Tara’s luscious curls. Everything is working according to Gia’s plan… except… Parker doesn’t look disgusted! He’s putting his arm around Jess and walking away! Oh noes!
The three musketeers go to class. Their papers are due. Jess looks in her bag for hers and Parker’s…. It’s not there. WTF? She goes to the professor to tell him not to penalize Parker… he looks at the attendance list and… Jessica Wakefield isn’t on it. We-eird.
But still! Parker doesn’t bite! Everyone hates Jessica except Parker. It doesn’t make sense until Gia sees Elizabeth driving Sam’s car, and realizes that Jessica is a twin. Of course! She is doubly protected. Gia will have to get rid of her… like she’s gotten rid of all the girls who have threatened her relationship with Parker before. Mwah ha ha.
So then Jessica’s walking across campus all by herself. Is someone watching her? Freaked out, she runs to the street corner, but is then pushed off the curb, and looks up in time to see a bus hurdling toward her!! End chapter!!!!
But the drama is just getting started!! Liz is out with Sam, and his breaks aren’t working! I wonder if this was the work of Margo-I mean, Gia! He almost drives directly into a lady with a stroller. He narrowly misses her and drives into tables set up outside a café. But still the car doesn’t stop! And they are going downhill in the park, toward the reservoir! The drop is ten feet-they’ll never survive that-so he twists the wheel and drives for the trees.
Back to Jess! She’s alive! But no one believes she was pushed. “She was just impatient, right, Mommy?” a bitchy little girl asks.
Thank goodness: Sam and Liz are alive as well, and fighting over who was to blame. Liz says that Sam almost killed her. Sam says that Jess must have forgotten to get break fluid when she borrowed his car. They go home and yell at Jess and Jess yells at them and there is more yelling, until Chloe comes out and admits she is to blame, that she’s been practicing witchcraft under Gia’s tutelage. Thanks, Chloe. Great way to lighten the situation! “I’ve been dabbling in witchcraft. And one of my spells backfired on Jessica.” I swear to you, that is an exact quote. This ghostwriter is a genius.
So, now everyone hates Jess, except Parker. (Yeah, they don’t buy Chloe’s explanation.) Gia gets really pissed, and casts her own spell… on Jess.
Sam calls the shop to see what the repairs on his car are going to cost… and finds out that Jess is telling the truth: she did get break fluid put in her car. Turns out his breaks were cut! Even though they totally bitched Jess out over it and now feel terrible, they decide to let her sleep. They’ll apologize when she wakes up. And then… and then. In a total derailment from SV reality, Elizabeth suggests that perhaps it really was a Wicca spell. She starts researching Wicca. Meanwhile, Jess oversleeps, and gets fired. Hey, guess who is at the café, ready to step into her shoes as waitress? Liz shows up and sees Gia. Dramatically, she turns to Sam and tells him that she googled Gia’s name, and it turns out she left Tulane because… drum roll… she died! And Super Sleuth Liz has her death certificate.
So, blah blah blah, Gia causes more bad things happen. Then Jess is talking to Parker and mentions that she has a bird feeder outside her window (what??) and that this morning, instead of birds, she found a doll with twine around its neck in it. OMG! That used to happen to the girls he dated at Tulane after he broke up with Leslie! She must have followed him! No way!
Back to Sam and Liz. (Seriously, the action does not slow down in the last quarter of this excellent novel.) If Gia is dead, that must mean that this Gia stole her identity! It’s the most logical explanation. So the logical course of action? Searching Gia’s room, of course. They find a suspicious picture but before they can tell us what it is of, the door opens. Luckily, it’s just Chloe, and Liz manages to hide in the closet. Chloe is thrilled to find the love of her life in her bedroom. It must be the spell! It has finally reversed itself!
Sam flirts with her so as not to raise suspicions and so that Liz can finish searching the room. Then Gia comes back and confronts here, and after a seriously ridiculous conversation, Liz offers herself to help Gia correct the spell that has reversed on Jessica. After all, she is the closest one to Jess. She said, “I’d do anything for Jess,” and Gia thinks, “Even die?” Mwah ha ha. End chapter.
Sam comes back and Liz is gone. He finds the picture they were looking at. It was Parker and Leslie! What does this mean?! Then he searches deeper and finds a bunch of Parker pictures that were obviously taken without his knowledge. Not naked or anything, but some sleeping. Eek. Then he finds letters addressed to Parker marked “Return to sender,” signed by some Leslie chick. Light bulb time. If Gia isn’t Gia, maybe she is Leslie!
Runs to Jess and Parker. Where is Liz?? Sam shows Jess, Parker, and Chloe the pictures and explains what he suspects, and begs Chloe to help them. Suddenly Chloe realizes: Sam doesn’t hate her; he just loves Elizabeth! Ooooh. Okay, no probs then. Come with Chloe! She’ll lead the way!
She correctly suspects Gia took Elizabeth to the beach where they did their Wicca stuff earlier in the book. Gia is busy faking some Wicca rituals and dunking Elizabeth’s head under water, getting ready to drown her. Elizabeth suddenly asks Gia about the picture of Parker and Leslie that she found in Gia’s closet, and Gia says some spooky, cracked ou shit about how Gia and Leslie are, together, Parker’s soul mate. And that Liz and Jess are in their way of getting him back. She laughs… and begins to drown Elizabeth.
The gang comes running down the beach. Sam is ahead of everyone else. But oh no. Liz is already unconscious. Her eyes are rolled back in her head. Gia says Liz got caught in the undertow while they were performing some sort of spell to help Jess. Sam pounds on her chest a bunch of times and finally! Liz’s eyes open! But then Gia smashes Sam in the head with a log!
Parker, Chloe, and Jess run up. Gia can’t figure out why Parker is yelling at her to stop. This is all for him! Lots of crazy conversation, and then Parker realizes that this is Leslie! Police sirens. Ohmygosh a lot is going on. Gia/Leslie/Margo freaks out and only wants to be with Parker and does the only thing she can figure out: she jumps off the cliff she happens to be standing next to and lands in the ocean, where she is picked up by the police. Everyone goes back home and figures out what happened over hot cocoa.
This book starts off with a bang. A sad, pale, and brown-haired girl named Leslie is undergoing cosmetic surgery in order to become a blue-eyed, blond-haired, and sparkly teenager named Gia. The surgery is so drastic that even the doctor is reluctant. “You are sure, Leslie? Because from here, there is no turning back.” Fortunately for us, the doctor proceeds despite his reservations and the surgery goes forth as planned.
You see, Leslie used to go to Tulane, where she had a boyfriend, Parker. He broke up with her either because he is obsessed with hot blond sorority girls or because Leslie is a freaking maniac, depending on who’s story you believe, and she then followed him to… you guessed it… Sweet Valley University.
Cut to hot blond sorority girl Jessica Wakefield at Yum-Yums Cafe. (Yes, Yum-Yums. I kid you not.) The big shock here is not that her coworker is Parker, and not that Parker has a crush on Jessica--how could he resist?--but that Jessica Wakefield is working.
Because this is a Thriller Edition, it is time for a psychic dream. Parker dreams that Leslie came back as a giant bird and tried to eat him. Could this mean something? Could this be indicative of Leslie re-entering his life? Could it be that her appearance has changed drastically? I suppose we'll have to wait and see... No, wait, we don’t. We already know.
Oh, Sweet Valley flashbacks, they never age well, do they? I really don't remember them being quite so... um... flimsy. A little girl (Leslie) is in the car with her parents. It is raining. They are fighting because the father is demanding a divorce in order to marry his secretary. The wife grabs the steering wheel from his hands, and we are privy to some of the worst writing I've ever seen. This ghost writer has apparently never spoken to a child under the age of ten. Either that or this child is srsly mentally deficient. "She could see the bright lights of another big truck--pretty lights, coming closer and closer. Why were Mommy and Daddy steering toward the truck?" Mom and Dad die. End scene.
Meanwhile, Elizabeth is just so hot that some guy named Sam can't stop staring at her. But because of whatever issues he's got going on, the fact that he likes her, means he likes her TOO much, and must stay away. And this girl Chloe likes Sam… because... wait for it… being Sam's gf will improve her status on campus. That’s so romantic, Chloe. Anyway, this girl is totally nuts. She starts looking at the food Sam had bitten before he left and wishing she could eat it, "drink the mocha that had touched the mouth she wanted to kiss so badly." But, wait: I thought Gia was the crazy stalker of this book! Just note that Chloe might be one of the most ridiculously pathetic characters ever to walk the halls of any Sweet Valley institution--university, middle school, high school, you name it. But, she is a Theta, so at least she’s got that going for her.
Lila wants to throw a brunch for the new Theta members, and Jessica offers to cater from Yum-Yums. Lila gives her the money, and kindly suggests JW put it in the bank so she doesn’t accidentally buy a dress she’s been coveting.
Just thought you should know: The Yum-Yum dishwasher's name is Enrico. Sigh.
So, Parker’s version of the Parker-and-Leslie love affair: Parker thought Leslie was cute, so the fact that all his friends found her creepy didn't bother him. It did bother him, though, that she quickly became obsessed with him and started following him around everywhere and doing other weird things after he wanted to stop seeing her, like bothering his new girlfriends and trashing his car. When even police involvement didn’t stop the torment, he quietly packed up and transferred to Sweet Valley University. Afraid she'll follow, he doesn't even write his old friends out of fear she'll see the postmarks. (Hadn't AOL already taken off in 2000? Maybe the truth is his friends aren't interested. I mean, he IS kind of a loser.)
In response to this story, Jessica Wakefield thinks, “She’d never heard of such an awful story of love gone bad.” Really? She’s had some pretty wild things happen.
The next scene is amazing. It's another flashback. Lil Orphan Leslie is with her cousins and they are playing the Torment Leslie Game. They are actually singing songs about how Leslie is a murderer and responsible for her parents deaths. They pull her hair. The scene is reminiscent of Lord of the Flies. Leslie can't take it anymore and her hand shoots out and smacks her cousin in the face. Now the aunt and uncle come running. The aunt is pissed as hell. This spooky little girl is disturbing her entire family and must go. The uncle reluctantly agrees. Poor crazy, scary Leslie....
Back to present time. Gia has become a Theta! Yay, Gia. WTG! She is rooming with pathetic Chloe. Chloe is jealous of Gia, who has become more popular than Chloe in a matter of minutes. What can I say, Chloe. Some people have it, some people don't. But Chloe is sad, because she had expected to find herself when she got to SVU, and it isn't working out as she had planned. And then Gia comes along and is instantly surrounded by friends.... Well, life is tough, Chloe. The sooner you find that out, the better. Besides, how could Chloe expect to compete with Gia's blue eyes, which (while not blue-green like the Pacific Ocean) continue to sparkle? Then Gia talks about how she used to be into Wicca, and Chloe ponders that she could use some Wicca in her life, if only to get Sam to like her.
To sum up what has happened so far: there are two crazy stalkers, Chloe and Gia, and they are coincidentally rooming together-and they are stalking Sam and Parker, who are coincidentally roommates-and the two of them are in love with Elizabeth and Jessica, respectively, although this love is not returned. And, by the way, Chloe has a Ninja Turtles back pack.
Liz and Sam get into a fight over Chloe. Liz doesn’t like the way Sam treats her. Sam rightfully points out that Liz is just jealous. Ooooh sting.
Chloe and Gia go to Yum-Yums so that Gia can meet Jess and her long-lost love Parker. Chloe flits away and Gia is left alone with Parker. They start flirting, which is kinda weird, and then Leslie starts being jealous of Gia. That’s a weird little part, but she moves on and continues to work on Parker. Naturally, since she already knows him, she lays the groundwork of how similar they are. And Jessica, eager to get Parker to leave her alone, helps by offering his services as tour guide.
Back at home, Chloe finds a book labeled, “Magickal Recipes.” After flipping through for a few minutes, she exclaims, “I know what this is! It’s a book of spells!” Yes, Chloe. Good detective work. She thinks about putting a spell on Sam, when Gia comes in. The important thing here is that they start to talk about how Chloe could get Sam to like her, and that is when we learn that Chloe, in an effort to seduce Sam, went to his house in a trench coat and lingerie and… accidentally flashed Elizabeth. Hahaha. Lil Miss Priss must have really freaked out when that happened.
Gia and Jess go shopping. Gia sticks a pin into Jess’s shoulder blade when she’s trying on a hot red dress, and convinces her to go for the brown-Parker's least favorite color, of course. This later turns into a huge part of Gia’s plan: Parker hates brown, mwah ha ha. Gia also learns about the money Jess is holding onto for the sorority, and how important the upcoming brunch is for her rep. Then, at home, Chloe convinces Gia to help her with a love spell. Gia thinks sadly how even though spells really do work, for her, they have never worked out the way she wanted.
Gia, Jess, and Parker are all in the same art history class. Their teacher proposes an interesting assignment: he and a colleague have made about regarding which method of research is more effective, the internet or the library, so the class is going to be divided in half. (We never find out the results.) Jess and Parker get the library. Gia gets the internet. Once in the library, Parker confesses that Gia weirds him out a little. She’s a little too perfect, as far as their shared interests are concerned, and she seems… familiar.
After getting her partner to do their project for them, Gia turns to other computer-related matters. She is a computer-whiz, you see, because she spent so much of childhood alone, so it is easy enough for her to access Jess’s schedule and delete art history. And, hmm, why not delete her entire transcript? Nice. And, what the hell, may as well hack into the bank system, and freeze Jess’s bank account and credit cards. No sweat. Oh yeah, the DMV… suspends her license. She’s got to get rid of Jessica Wakefield; she’ll get rid of every girl in Sweet Valley if she has. Because without Parker’s love, she’ll die. (That is a direct quote. She will die.)
Chloe tries to magick Sam into liking her, and goes over to see if it worked. Um, it didn’t. Oh, it’s because she wasn’t a real Wiccan, so she and Gia go to the beach to do a ceremony so she can become one and force Sam into loving her. They are going to put a spell on Sam’s comb… which he keeps in his pocket. Haha. Gia’s ulterior motive involves getting Chloe to do the spell wrong and mess everything up. Then there are a couple of scenes that really drive home the point that Chloe is an idiot. Those are fun.
Day of the Big Brunch. Gia and Chloe go over to Jess’s, where Chloe casts a spell on Sam, Gia convinces Jess to wear the brown dress, and Gia takes Jess’s shampoo. Jess and Parker go to pick up the food for the brunch, and her credit cards don’t work! Her bank account is empty! What is going on!! Lila come through and provides her credit card number… phew. Thank god for Lila. Geez, though: Earlier, Jess promised to bring sorority sister Tara her green apple shampoo for her to borrow after the brunch; if not for that, she would just bail on the whole thing and have Parker cater the party! (I don’t know why Parker couldn’t bring the shampoo.)
After the brunch. Oh my god! Tara’s hair is colored apple green!! No one believes Jessica didn’t do it; she was clearly jealous of Tara’s luscious curls. Everything is working according to Gia’s plan… except… Parker doesn’t look disgusted! He’s putting his arm around Jess and walking away! Oh noes!
The three musketeers go to class. Their papers are due. Jess looks in her bag for hers and Parker’s…. It’s not there. WTF? She goes to the professor to tell him not to penalize Parker… he looks at the attendance list and… Jessica Wakefield isn’t on it. We-eird.
But still! Parker doesn’t bite! Everyone hates Jessica except Parker. It doesn’t make sense until Gia sees Elizabeth driving Sam’s car, and realizes that Jessica is a twin. Of course! She is doubly protected. Gia will have to get rid of her… like she’s gotten rid of all the girls who have threatened her relationship with Parker before. Mwah ha ha.
So then Jessica’s walking across campus all by herself. Is someone watching her? Freaked out, she runs to the street corner, but is then pushed off the curb, and looks up in time to see a bus hurdling toward her!! End chapter!!!!
But the drama is just getting started!! Liz is out with Sam, and his breaks aren’t working! I wonder if this was the work of Margo-I mean, Gia! He almost drives directly into a lady with a stroller. He narrowly misses her and drives into tables set up outside a café. But still the car doesn’t stop! And they are going downhill in the park, toward the reservoir! The drop is ten feet-they’ll never survive that-so he twists the wheel and drives for the trees.
Back to Jess! She’s alive! But no one believes she was pushed. “She was just impatient, right, Mommy?” a bitchy little girl asks.
Thank goodness: Sam and Liz are alive as well, and fighting over who was to blame. Liz says that Sam almost killed her. Sam says that Jess must have forgotten to get break fluid when she borrowed his car. They go home and yell at Jess and Jess yells at them and there is more yelling, until Chloe comes out and admits she is to blame, that she’s been practicing witchcraft under Gia’s tutelage. Thanks, Chloe. Great way to lighten the situation! “I’ve been dabbling in witchcraft. And one of my spells backfired on Jessica.” I swear to you, that is an exact quote. This ghostwriter is a genius.
So, now everyone hates Jess, except Parker. (Yeah, they don’t buy Chloe’s explanation.) Gia gets really pissed, and casts her own spell… on Jess.
Sam calls the shop to see what the repairs on his car are going to cost… and finds out that Jess is telling the truth: she did get break fluid put in her car. Turns out his breaks were cut! Even though they totally bitched Jess out over it and now feel terrible, they decide to let her sleep. They’ll apologize when she wakes up. And then… and then. In a total derailment from SV reality, Elizabeth suggests that perhaps it really was a Wicca spell. She starts researching Wicca. Meanwhile, Jess oversleeps, and gets fired. Hey, guess who is at the café, ready to step into her shoes as waitress? Liz shows up and sees Gia. Dramatically, she turns to Sam and tells him that she googled Gia’s name, and it turns out she left Tulane because… drum roll… she died! And Super Sleuth Liz has her death certificate.
So, blah blah blah, Gia causes more bad things happen. Then Jess is talking to Parker and mentions that she has a bird feeder outside her window (what??) and that this morning, instead of birds, she found a doll with twine around its neck in it. OMG! That used to happen to the girls he dated at Tulane after he broke up with Leslie! She must have followed him! No way!
Back to Sam and Liz. (Seriously, the action does not slow down in the last quarter of this excellent novel.) If Gia is dead, that must mean that this Gia stole her identity! It’s the most logical explanation. So the logical course of action? Searching Gia’s room, of course. They find a suspicious picture but before they can tell us what it is of, the door opens. Luckily, it’s just Chloe, and Liz manages to hide in the closet. Chloe is thrilled to find the love of her life in her bedroom. It must be the spell! It has finally reversed itself!
Sam flirts with her so as not to raise suspicions and so that Liz can finish searching the room. Then Gia comes back and confronts here, and after a seriously ridiculous conversation, Liz offers herself to help Gia correct the spell that has reversed on Jessica. After all, she is the closest one to Jess. She said, “I’d do anything for Jess,” and Gia thinks, “Even die?” Mwah ha ha. End chapter.
Sam comes back and Liz is gone. He finds the picture they were looking at. It was Parker and Leslie! What does this mean?! Then he searches deeper and finds a bunch of Parker pictures that were obviously taken without his knowledge. Not naked or anything, but some sleeping. Eek. Then he finds letters addressed to Parker marked “Return to sender,” signed by some Leslie chick. Light bulb time. If Gia isn’t Gia, maybe she is Leslie!
Runs to Jess and Parker. Where is Liz?? Sam shows Jess, Parker, and Chloe the pictures and explains what he suspects, and begs Chloe to help them. Suddenly Chloe realizes: Sam doesn’t hate her; he just loves Elizabeth! Ooooh. Okay, no probs then. Come with Chloe! She’ll lead the way!
She correctly suspects Gia took Elizabeth to the beach where they did their Wicca stuff earlier in the book. Gia is busy faking some Wicca rituals and dunking Elizabeth’s head under water, getting ready to drown her. Elizabeth suddenly asks Gia about the picture of Parker and Leslie that she found in Gia’s closet, and Gia says some spooky, cracked ou shit about how Gia and Leslie are, together, Parker’s soul mate. And that Liz and Jess are in their way of getting him back. She laughs… and begins to drown Elizabeth.
The gang comes running down the beach. Sam is ahead of everyone else. But oh no. Liz is already unconscious. Her eyes are rolled back in her head. Gia says Liz got caught in the undertow while they were performing some sort of spell to help Jess. Sam pounds on her chest a bunch of times and finally! Liz’s eyes open! But then Gia smashes Sam in the head with a log!
Parker, Chloe, and Jess run up. Gia can’t figure out why Parker is yelling at her to stop. This is all for him! Lots of crazy conversation, and then Parker realizes that this is Leslie! Police sirens. Ohmygosh a lot is going on. Gia/Leslie/Margo freaks out and only wants to be with Parker and does the only thing she can figure out: she jumps off the cliff she happens to be standing next to and lands in the ocean, where she is picked up by the police. Everyone goes back home and figures out what happened over hot cocoa.