Unicorn Club #12: Five Girls and a Baby
Books narrated by Ellen are generally fabulous. Also, it’s always kind of funny when Sweet Valley tries to horn in on the territory of That Other Series.
This book was a lot better than I remember! I’ve owned it for years and I’ve hardly ever reread it. I blame this dismal cover. It’s so grey. Sweet Valley is many things, but dingy is not one of them.
Also, when I was reading this book I SAW A GHOST. ON THE COVER.
OMG.
Except on closer examination it turned out to be just a cardboard cutout of Ted Danson.
Whoops.
So, moving on. Ellen is president of the Unicorns at this point and I never quite figured out why. But one of her favourite things about it is that it distracts her from the changes to her home life after her parents divorced three books ago (a book I lent to someone back in the late 90s and never got back. I’M LOOKING AT YOU, BETH!! I know I haven’t seen you for a good ten years, but we are facebook friends and that surely counts for something!). But anyway, Ellen and Mark (her younger brother) feel like they’re in the way of their mum’s hectic and busy life.
When Jess and Ellen hit the daycare centre the next day, Mrs Willard immediately ropes Ellen into looking after a bundle of blankets. Or that’s what Ellen honestly thinks it is until a face peeps out and she nearly has a heart attack. “And I’m not talking about the face of a watch or a doll. I’m talking about a living, breathing, three-dimensional baby!” Ellen, I love you. Never change. Apparently it’s against centre policy to take any kidlets under three, but little Annabel’s mum was desperate. Mrs. Willard is apparently now the desperate one, because when Ellen’s all “she stinks!” Mrs. Willard’s all “oh see I knew you’d be good with babies BYE!” and flees into her office. Leaving Ellen to change her.
Now seems like a good time to say that this book has a lot of totally-incompetent-with-a-baby antics. This clip could pretty much be a summary of the whole book:
Except there is a distinct lack of 80s-era John Stamos, which I feel was a poor decision on the ghostwriter’s part. Anyway, so Mrs. Kemmer (Annabel’s mother) turns up to take her baby home. She’s all sad and distressed and she turns out to be one of Ellen’s neighbours. She’s pretty newly married, but she and her husband have just divorced. Mrs. Willard actually tells Ellen that Mrs. Kemmer couldn’t trust him anymore because he kept spending lots of money and coming home late, and that Mr. Kemmer is suing for full custody because an agent told him Annabel could make him stacks of money and he wants to use her to buy a new house. Jeez, Willard. A simple “she’s going through a divorce” would have done.
The next day at school the Unicorns have a hilarious conversation about babies in which Lila claims that she was born potty trained (I believe it), and that she’ll never have kids because it will permanently mess up her figure. Jess is equally determined to not have kids because it messes up vacations and shopping (the two most important things in life, observes Lila) and because she couldn’t deal with that she puts her parents through. Gotta say, I didn’t think Jessica was that self aware. I’m impressed.
So Mandy and Ellen walk home from school, Ellen fretting about finding a topic for her social studies oral report (this will be important later) when someone called Leslie calls to them from the Kemmer’s porch. Leslie is a college student who apparently knows the Unicorns from being a fellow daycare centre volunteer. Here’s the situation: Leslie is Annabel’s nanny. Mrs. Kemmer is late. Leslie’s fiancé is taking her on a romantic!surprise trip to Carmel, but their plane leaves in less than an hour. And since Ellen looked after Annabel for a good fifteen minutes yesterday and didn’t set her on fire or anything, she’s clearly a natural with babies and can she look after Annabel till Mrs. Kemmer gets home? Ten minutes, tops! Ellen agrees.
So Ellen and Mandy attempt to care for Annabel. Ellen shakes a rattle and is all “OMG it sounds just like a phone!!!” and Mandy says “that IS the phone!” and Ellen answers at it goes something like this:
MRS. KEMMER: *staticstaticstatic* Leslie?
ELLEN: It’s Ellen.
MRS. KEMMER: Leslie, I can’t hear you! *staticstaticstatic*
ELLEN: No, it’s Ellen, Leslie is on this super!romantic weekend away…
MRS. KEMMER: *staticstaticstatic* Sorry Leslie, bad connection. I’m on a plane to Mexico, work emergency, ttyl!!
Panic!! Emergency Unicorn meeting!! Everyone come to the Kemmers!! How do we deal with this turn of events?
Suggestion #1: Call Mr. Kemmer and make him look after his daughter.
Status: Vetoed, because he will use this mix-up in court to get custody of Annabel and she’ll become Mary-Kate or Ashley Olsen.
Suggestion #2: Call Alice Wakefield.
Status: Vetoed, because she will call Mr. Kemmer and he will use this mix-up in court to get custody of Annabel and she’ll become Mary-Kate or Ashley Olsen. I can think of whole other reasons to veto this suggestion, but whatever.
Suggestion #3: Suck it up and baby-sit until Leslie or Mrs. Kemmer get home (which would be all weekend at most, since Leslie’s trip is just for the weekend).
Status: Approved! Because Ellen “has the diaper thing down,” Mandy is “just starting to get the hang of her mood swings,” Kimberley “always rises to a challenge,” and Jessica “has this special physical bond with her” (WHAT??). And Lila’s there too.
Ellen’s mum has just left for a week-long real estate conference, so she’s meant to stay with her dad. He’s picking her up in a few hours, but she calls him and claims to have gone with mum to the conference. Ellen’s feeling pretty neglected by both her parents at the moment and is surprised that her dad seems hurt by this change of plans. Ellen is very troubled by the divorce all through this book which makes me sad because I love Ellen and I don’t want her to be sad. I want to buy her a pony. I bet she’d like a pony. Except she had one back in early SVT, but that was before her character was at all likeable.
Annabel has another relentless crying lag, which results in Revised Suggestion #3: Call Elizabeth. At this point in the book I can almost hear the united voice of 1bruce1 crying out “NO, PLEASE CALL ALICE INSTEAD, AT LEAST THAT WOULD BE LOLTASTIC.” But alas, Elizabeth comes running. They fill her in and it’s pretty much exactly what you’d expect. It’s almost like one of us is the ghostwriter: “Elizabeth just sat on the couch with Annabel on her lap, shaking her head disapprovingly and squinting with concern… and then finally voicing her objection.” I can hear Ellen’s irritation in those italics. Elizabeth suggests calling an adult. I hate it when Elizabeth is right. But they compromise: Elizabeth will help out, but if things get out of hand they have to call an adult.
So with Elizabeth there, things are going pretty smoothly. Until the phone rings, and it’s Leslie. “WE’RE ELOPING! Vegas or bust! Mrs. Kemmer won’t mind that I’m leaving her nanny-less, she’s pretty cool. See you in a week!” Despite this unexpected turn of events, the girls decide this doesn’t need to change their plans. Mrs. Kemmer will probably come home in a day or so. Everyone goes home, except for Jessica and Elizabeth who stay over to help Ellen.
Mrs. Kemmer rings and Ellen informs her of the situation. Mrs. Kemmer is horrified! Ellen tries to reassure her (actual words of book: “I’ve got it all under control for the night. My friend Elizabeth Wakefield already fed Annabel, and she -” “Oh, my baby! *begins to cry*” “No, Mrs. Kemmer, Jessica is the irresponsible Wakefield. I mean, she’s here too, but Elizabeth really knows how to handle this.”) Mrs. Kemmer is apparently the only adult in Sweet Valley who doesn’t know that Liz is the Golden Child and is all “but you’re only 13!! You can’t look after babies!!” Despite the fact that she’s in a very sitcom-like situation, my respect for Mrs. Kemmer has risen. Unlike parents in That Other Series (and I imagine most SV parents), she thinks it outrageous to leave an eight-month-old baby with 13-year-olds for an extended period of time. So Ellen backpedals and claims that her mother will be the one looking after Annabel (“Elizabeth shook her head with disapproval”). After reassuring her that it’s no trouble, this goes down a treat. Jess pretends to be Mrs. Riteman, and all goes smoothly. Except they now have to watch Annabel for six days.
That night, Ellen wakes up to a crying baby. She successfully changes her, calms her, and gets her to sleep. Elizabeth witnesses it all, and Ellen is proud of finally gaining Elizabeth’s respect. Somehow, this endears Ellen to me even more. I’m going to buy her rollerskates. And rollerskates for her pony.
And thus begins the never-ending baby-sitting job.
Saturday. Alice hears Annabel crying over the phone, and Jessica easily convinces her it’s a CD of a band called The Crying Babes. The Unicorns + Liz take Annabel to the park and they run into Mrs. Beals, the seventh grade social studies teacher. Her main purpose is to remind us of the looming social studies report (and Ellen still has no topic, by the way). She sees Annabel and is all “and who’s this?” and Ellen’s like “oh this is Kimberley Haver, she’s in the eighth grade and a member -”.
Sunday. Annabel is cranky all day. Mandy spends the night and she and Ellen try to figure out how they’ll deal with Annabel during the school week. They decide to take Annabel to the daycare centre tomorrow and say that Mrs. Kemmer sent them.
Monday. Ellen takes Annabel to the centre, and is unsuccessful at getting her report done. Or started. After school, Ellen cares for Annabel… and loses her. The Unicorns help look for her and, after demolishing the house in the search, Ellen decides to call the police. So even though it means admitting to the whole thing, the cops are called.
Then Jessica finds Annabel in the flowerbed.
So a policeman comes by and half-heartedly attempts to find out where Annabel’s mother is. He leaves after Mandy suggests that “it must be that time of day when you start craving another doughnut. I’d just hate to keep you for no reason at all” (no joke! She actually says that! And then he leaves. We seriously need a tag for SVPD incompetence. Anyone willing to suggest a tag-joke?).
So Elizabeth says that this kind of counts as ‘getting out of hand’ and Ellen needs to call Mrs. Kemmer and tell her to come home. Ellen refuses, until Mrs. Willard rings to yell at Mrs. Kemmer (i.e. Jessica) for letting Ellen drop off Annabel at the centre, and she won’t be welcome back until she’s three and the Kemmers have a serious financial crisis (if you’re unaware, this daycare centre is for struggling families who can’t afford child care). Ellen caves. She can’t do this. It’s time to call Mrs. Kemmer.
But Mrs. Kemmer has left a message saying she’ll be back tomorrow night! Twenty-four more hours is totally do-able! We just need to get through that oral report…
Tuesday. The plan is that each Unicorn (plus Elizabeth) will take Annabel for one period. Annabel is strapped into a car seat and hidden in a duffel bag. This is in no way a terrible idea. Caroline Pearce catches Ellen talking to the bag, and is all “wtf?”.
Skip forward to lunchtime and the Unicorns are swapping baby-sitting-during-class stories. When it was Kimberley’s turn, Annabel needed an emergency change. The end of the story is that there is a dirty diaper dropped into one of the toilets. Ugh, seriously Kimberley? I would say that Kristy Thomas would frown upon that, but by this point I think Kristy Thomas would be crying in the corner. In the fetal position. Anyway, after lunch Lila becomes sick with some kind of stomach bug. This leaves Ellen and Jessica with Annabel during social studies. Hijinks!!
Annabel is at Jessica’s desk, and Ellen is first up for her report. She fumbles and mumbles and drops her notes and then, crisis! Annabel begins to cry! Jessica, realising that there’s no way to hide Annabel now, announces that Ellen brought a visual aid. And so Ellen awesomes her way through the report, making it up on the spot, talking about how babies are the same all the way through time (or something). Mrs. Beals gives her an A and is quite surprised that Annabel’s mother allowed Ellen to take her to school all day. But she doesn’t think to do anything more than just get Ellen excused from her next class to watch Annabel. I wouldn’t expect any less from the teaching staff at SVMS, so whatevs.
The Unicorns + Elizabeth all arrive at Ellen’s house… where Ellen’s parents and Mrs. Kemmer are waiting. There are two or three paragraphs of suspense, in which we think that Ellen might get in trouble… but it suddenly becomes an ice cream celebration party! Because Mrs. Kemmer got custody of Annabel! Partyyyyyy!!
The book ends on a happy note. Ellen’s parents are trying harder to get along. Ellen also realises that her parents do love her, they’re just both still learning how to cope with the divorce. And Lila decides that motherhood may not be so bad. “Something about attending mother-daughter debutante functions sounds irresistible.”
This book was a lot better than I remember! I’ve owned it for years and I’ve hardly ever reread it. I blame this dismal cover. It’s so grey. Sweet Valley is many things, but dingy is not one of them.
Also, when I was reading this book I SAW A GHOST. ON THE COVER.
OMG.
Except on closer examination it turned out to be just a cardboard cutout of Ted Danson.
Whoops.
So, moving on. Ellen is president of the Unicorns at this point and I never quite figured out why. But one of her favourite things about it is that it distracts her from the changes to her home life after her parents divorced three books ago (a book I lent to someone back in the late 90s and never got back. I’M LOOKING AT YOU, BETH!! I know I haven’t seen you for a good ten years, but we are facebook friends and that surely counts for something!). But anyway, Ellen and Mark (her younger brother) feel like they’re in the way of their mum’s hectic and busy life.
When Jess and Ellen hit the daycare centre the next day, Mrs Willard immediately ropes Ellen into looking after a bundle of blankets. Or that’s what Ellen honestly thinks it is until a face peeps out and she nearly has a heart attack. “And I’m not talking about the face of a watch or a doll. I’m talking about a living, breathing, three-dimensional baby!” Ellen, I love you. Never change. Apparently it’s against centre policy to take any kidlets under three, but little Annabel’s mum was desperate. Mrs. Willard is apparently now the desperate one, because when Ellen’s all “she stinks!” Mrs. Willard’s all “oh see I knew you’d be good with babies BYE!” and flees into her office. Leaving Ellen to change her.
Now seems like a good time to say that this book has a lot of totally-incompetent-with-a-baby antics. This clip could pretty much be a summary of the whole book:
Click to viewExcept there is a distinct lack of 80s-era John Stamos, which I feel was a poor decision on the ghostwriter’s part. Anyway, so Mrs. Kemmer (Annabel’s mother) turns up to take her baby home. She’s all sad and distressed and she turns out to be one of Ellen’s neighbours. She’s pretty newly married, but she and her husband have just divorced. Mrs. Willard actually tells Ellen that Mrs. Kemmer couldn’t trust him anymore because he kept spending lots of money and coming home late, and that Mr. Kemmer is suing for full custody because an agent told him Annabel could make him stacks of money and he wants to use her to buy a new house. Jeez, Willard. A simple “she’s going through a divorce” would have done.
The next day at school the Unicorns have a hilarious conversation about babies in which Lila claims that she was born potty trained (I believe it), and that she’ll never have kids because it will permanently mess up her figure. Jess is equally determined to not have kids because it messes up vacations and shopping (the two most important things in life, observes Lila) and because she couldn’t deal with that she puts her parents through. Gotta say, I didn’t think Jessica was that self aware. I’m impressed.
So Mandy and Ellen walk home from school, Ellen fretting about finding a topic for her social studies oral report (this will be important later) when someone called Leslie calls to them from the Kemmer’s porch. Leslie is a college student who apparently knows the Unicorns from being a fellow daycare centre volunteer. Here’s the situation: Leslie is Annabel’s nanny. Mrs. Kemmer is late. Leslie’s fiancé is taking her on a romantic!surprise trip to Carmel, but their plane leaves in less than an hour. And since Ellen looked after Annabel for a good fifteen minutes yesterday and didn’t set her on fire or anything, she’s clearly a natural with babies and can she look after Annabel till Mrs. Kemmer gets home? Ten minutes, tops! Ellen agrees.
So Ellen and Mandy attempt to care for Annabel. Ellen shakes a rattle and is all “OMG it sounds just like a phone!!!” and Mandy says “that IS the phone!” and Ellen answers at it goes something like this:
MRS. KEMMER: *staticstaticstatic* Leslie?
ELLEN: It’s Ellen.
MRS. KEMMER: Leslie, I can’t hear you! *staticstaticstatic*
ELLEN: No, it’s Ellen, Leslie is on this super!romantic weekend away…
MRS. KEMMER: *staticstaticstatic* Sorry Leslie, bad connection. I’m on a plane to Mexico, work emergency, ttyl!!
Panic!! Emergency Unicorn meeting!! Everyone come to the Kemmers!! How do we deal with this turn of events?
Suggestion #1: Call Mr. Kemmer and make him look after his daughter.
Status: Vetoed, because he will use this mix-up in court to get custody of Annabel and she’ll become Mary-Kate or Ashley Olsen.
Suggestion #2: Call Alice Wakefield.
Status: Vetoed, because she will call Mr. Kemmer and he will use this mix-up in court to get custody of Annabel and she’ll become Mary-Kate or Ashley Olsen. I can think of whole other reasons to veto this suggestion, but whatever.
Suggestion #3: Suck it up and baby-sit until Leslie or Mrs. Kemmer get home (which would be all weekend at most, since Leslie’s trip is just for the weekend).
Status: Approved! Because Ellen “has the diaper thing down,” Mandy is “just starting to get the hang of her mood swings,” Kimberley “always rises to a challenge,” and Jessica “has this special physical bond with her” (WHAT??). And Lila’s there too.
Ellen’s mum has just left for a week-long real estate conference, so she’s meant to stay with her dad. He’s picking her up in a few hours, but she calls him and claims to have gone with mum to the conference. Ellen’s feeling pretty neglected by both her parents at the moment and is surprised that her dad seems hurt by this change of plans. Ellen is very troubled by the divorce all through this book which makes me sad because I love Ellen and I don’t want her to be sad. I want to buy her a pony. I bet she’d like a pony. Except she had one back in early SVT, but that was before her character was at all likeable.
Annabel has another relentless crying lag, which results in Revised Suggestion #3: Call Elizabeth. At this point in the book I can almost hear the united voice of 1bruce1 crying out “NO, PLEASE CALL ALICE INSTEAD, AT LEAST THAT WOULD BE LOLTASTIC.” But alas, Elizabeth comes running. They fill her in and it’s pretty much exactly what you’d expect. It’s almost like one of us is the ghostwriter: “Elizabeth just sat on the couch with Annabel on her lap, shaking her head disapprovingly and squinting with concern… and then finally voicing her objection.” I can hear Ellen’s irritation in those italics. Elizabeth suggests calling an adult. I hate it when Elizabeth is right. But they compromise: Elizabeth will help out, but if things get out of hand they have to call an adult.
So with Elizabeth there, things are going pretty smoothly. Until the phone rings, and it’s Leslie. “WE’RE ELOPING! Vegas or bust! Mrs. Kemmer won’t mind that I’m leaving her nanny-less, she’s pretty cool. See you in a week!” Despite this unexpected turn of events, the girls decide this doesn’t need to change their plans. Mrs. Kemmer will probably come home in a day or so. Everyone goes home, except for Jessica and Elizabeth who stay over to help Ellen.
Mrs. Kemmer rings and Ellen informs her of the situation. Mrs. Kemmer is horrified! Ellen tries to reassure her (actual words of book: “I’ve got it all under control for the night. My friend Elizabeth Wakefield already fed Annabel, and she -” “Oh, my baby! *begins to cry*” “No, Mrs. Kemmer, Jessica is the irresponsible Wakefield. I mean, she’s here too, but Elizabeth really knows how to handle this.”) Mrs. Kemmer is apparently the only adult in Sweet Valley who doesn’t know that Liz is the Golden Child and is all “but you’re only 13!! You can’t look after babies!!” Despite the fact that she’s in a very sitcom-like situation, my respect for Mrs. Kemmer has risen. Unlike parents in That Other Series (and I imagine most SV parents), she thinks it outrageous to leave an eight-month-old baby with 13-year-olds for an extended period of time. So Ellen backpedals and claims that her mother will be the one looking after Annabel (“Elizabeth shook her head with disapproval”). After reassuring her that it’s no trouble, this goes down a treat. Jess pretends to be Mrs. Riteman, and all goes smoothly. Except they now have to watch Annabel for six days.
That night, Ellen wakes up to a crying baby. She successfully changes her, calms her, and gets her to sleep. Elizabeth witnesses it all, and Ellen is proud of finally gaining Elizabeth’s respect. Somehow, this endears Ellen to me even more. I’m going to buy her rollerskates. And rollerskates for her pony.
And thus begins the never-ending baby-sitting job.
Saturday. Alice hears Annabel crying over the phone, and Jessica easily convinces her it’s a CD of a band called The Crying Babes. The Unicorns + Liz take Annabel to the park and they run into Mrs. Beals, the seventh grade social studies teacher. Her main purpose is to remind us of the looming social studies report (and Ellen still has no topic, by the way). She sees Annabel and is all “and who’s this?” and Ellen’s like “oh this is Kimberley Haver, she’s in the eighth grade and a member -”.
Sunday. Annabel is cranky all day. Mandy spends the night and she and Ellen try to figure out how they’ll deal with Annabel during the school week. They decide to take Annabel to the daycare centre tomorrow and say that Mrs. Kemmer sent them.
Monday. Ellen takes Annabel to the centre, and is unsuccessful at getting her report done. Or started. After school, Ellen cares for Annabel… and loses her. The Unicorns help look for her and, after demolishing the house in the search, Ellen decides to call the police. So even though it means admitting to the whole thing, the cops are called.
Then Jessica finds Annabel in the flowerbed.
So a policeman comes by and half-heartedly attempts to find out where Annabel’s mother is. He leaves after Mandy suggests that “it must be that time of day when you start craving another doughnut. I’d just hate to keep you for no reason at all” (no joke! She actually says that! And then he leaves. We seriously need a tag for SVPD incompetence. Anyone willing to suggest a tag-joke?).
So Elizabeth says that this kind of counts as ‘getting out of hand’ and Ellen needs to call Mrs. Kemmer and tell her to come home. Ellen refuses, until Mrs. Willard rings to yell at Mrs. Kemmer (i.e. Jessica) for letting Ellen drop off Annabel at the centre, and she won’t be welcome back until she’s three and the Kemmers have a serious financial crisis (if you’re unaware, this daycare centre is for struggling families who can’t afford child care). Ellen caves. She can’t do this. It’s time to call Mrs. Kemmer.
But Mrs. Kemmer has left a message saying she’ll be back tomorrow night! Twenty-four more hours is totally do-able! We just need to get through that oral report…
Tuesday. The plan is that each Unicorn (plus Elizabeth) will take Annabel for one period. Annabel is strapped into a car seat and hidden in a duffel bag. This is in no way a terrible idea. Caroline Pearce catches Ellen talking to the bag, and is all “wtf?”.
Skip forward to lunchtime and the Unicorns are swapping baby-sitting-during-class stories. When it was Kimberley’s turn, Annabel needed an emergency change. The end of the story is that there is a dirty diaper dropped into one of the toilets. Ugh, seriously Kimberley? I would say that Kristy Thomas would frown upon that, but by this point I think Kristy Thomas would be crying in the corner. In the fetal position. Anyway, after lunch Lila becomes sick with some kind of stomach bug. This leaves Ellen and Jessica with Annabel during social studies. Hijinks!!
Annabel is at Jessica’s desk, and Ellen is first up for her report. She fumbles and mumbles and drops her notes and then, crisis! Annabel begins to cry! Jessica, realising that there’s no way to hide Annabel now, announces that Ellen brought a visual aid. And so Ellen awesomes her way through the report, making it up on the spot, talking about how babies are the same all the way through time (or something). Mrs. Beals gives her an A and is quite surprised that Annabel’s mother allowed Ellen to take her to school all day. But she doesn’t think to do anything more than just get Ellen excused from her next class to watch Annabel. I wouldn’t expect any less from the teaching staff at SVMS, so whatevs.
The Unicorns + Elizabeth all arrive at Ellen’s house… where Ellen’s parents and Mrs. Kemmer are waiting. There are two or three paragraphs of suspense, in which we think that Ellen might get in trouble… but it suddenly becomes an ice cream celebration party! Because Mrs. Kemmer got custody of Annabel! Partyyyyyy!!
The book ends on a happy note. Ellen’s parents are trying harder to get along. Ellen also realises that her parents do love her, they’re just both still learning how to cope with the divorce. And Lila decides that motherhood may not be so bad. “Something about attending mother-daughter debutante functions sounds irresistible.”