SVH Senior Year #12: Bad Girl
Woot, two recaps in a row from me! I can't believe nobody has recapped the famous Senior Year book where Elizabeth...waits for it...goes bad! She goes bad, bad I say! It took me a little while, but I've found my copy and am raring to snark whatever Elizabeth's idea of 'bad' is.
The cover seems to be an early indication of what Elizabeth's idea of being a bad girl is -- wearing a baby blue sweater and leaning on Conner's shoulder. (He is, after all, a bad boy.) I think she's past help, badness-wise. Also, you probably can't tell from that picture, but Conner's eyes are ridiculously bloodshot, so it's probably safe to say that he's drunk right now.
As usual, the book begins with the obligatory diary entries filled with delicious teen angst. Elizabeth talks about how much has changed this year, notably that Olivia died and she fell in love with Conner. She's not quite sure how she feels about that last one, but she's pretty adamant that the whole Olivia dying thing falls into the 'not good' category.
Jessica's diary entry is basically a reminder of everything that's happened in the last eleven books -- she's now a social outcast, but she's going out with Will the quarterback, so it's all okay now. Yep, those are her priorities, people. Oh, and she takes a dig at Lila for ditching her when she became unpopular. Which is just uncool because it's Lila.
Tia's boyfriend Angel has moved away to college, and she's all sad about it and stuff. I really, really hate Tia.
Conner's complaining about how his mother's in rehab because she got convicted of drunk driving. Yeah, damn any state that's willing to rehabilitate offenders! Megan's (his half sister's) dad is looking after them. His name is Gary. Why they need another chaperone when they've already got Elizabeth is beyond my comprehension. Oh wait, she's bad now, isn't she?
Oh God, another diary entry. This one's from Ken. He goes on about how the earthquake changed him, and now Maria's helping him get his life on track. It's a not-so-subtle hint that Ken Matthews Lovehearts Maria Slater, in case you weren't sure.
Chapter one begins with an uncomfortable and TMI look at Conner's showering habits. Yeah. Apparently Conner usually showers in the morning, but today he's showing at night. Someone alert the Oracle! Also, his towel is ratty, which I don't approve of. I like to think probably everything at Conner's is either ratty or made of the human flesh he steals from people's graves at night. He's thinking about his stepfather Gary, who's not really his stepfather since he and Mrs. Conner are divorced, but it's easier calling him that than saying he's Connor's half-sister's father. Apparently he's been spending a lot of time at Tia's, but not in a sex way, because she's hung up on the college boyfriend with the queer name, remember? Megan's so happy to have Conner home again that she's made him a welcome home sign, except it's not finished, so it just says WELCOME HO. Heh. I think it's meant for Elizabeth.
Conner thinks some more about his stepfather-but-not Gary. It seems he's mad at Gary because he invited his girlfriend over, and Conner thinks it'll break Megan's heart if his parents don't get back together. Pfft, come on, Conner! Divorces are such easy things to deal with; you just have to go to summer camp, find your twin, and hilarity and hijinks will ensue! Seriously, even Lindsay Lohan knows this shit. Conner decides to sit Megan down and gently break it to her that the family's not getting back together, by saying, "The four of us are not going to be a family." Conner certainly doesn't mince words for his baby sister. How old is she, anyway? I think she's about fifteen, but she always seems younger in my head.
Megan and Conner fight. She takes a dig at him for robbing Circle K's in his youth, which I find really funny, and hey -- it totally fits his profile. I bet he was mean to animals as a kid, too. Conner wants to fight some more, but then he notices how vulnerable she looks. He's going into a lot of detail about the way her hair looks, and her pouty lips. It's going into a creepy incestuous place, and I won't stand for it. Conner, I refuse to recap you until you stop being so goddamn creepy and serial-killery.
In class, Elizabeth gets a pink slip demanding that she go to the counsellor. Yeah, I know. Elizabeth. Is it because of all the traumatic things that happened to her last year? Vampires and attempted-rapings and such? I guess not, because Mr. Collins notes that Liz's grades have been slipping. Oh noes! She managed straight A's during all the aforementioned vampire and rape adventures, and yet when she meets some drunk asshole who may or may not be Sweet Valley's Henry Lee Lucas, then she starts getting C's? Elizabeth is dejected.
Maria and Ken are flirting in the halls, only they don't know it yet, because Ken's last girlfriend got crushed by a fridge. Really, he should be a little more distraught, but I guess that's last week's news. The only noteworthy thing in this scene is that Ken mentions that he's hanging out with Todd. As in, Wilkins. I don't know if you remember him, he used to be a major player in regular SVH, but got shafted in favour of drunk emo Conner. Another reason to hate Conner. (Or maybe a reason to love him, depending on your stance on Todd.)
Liz goes to see the counsellor. (I know it's spelled with one L in crazy Americaland, but I'm Australian and proud of it, goddamnit! Be prepared for extra O's, and S's where Z's should be!) The counsellor's name is Mr. Velasquez, and he's one smiley dude. Liz is sweating profusely, which I think is a little too much information. She may need a night shower like Conner. Mr. Velasquez freaks Liz out by saying that she's here because of her declining grades, and that he'll be sending progress reports to her parents. Which I guess is responsible of him, but I don't know. It might just be because I remember high school all too well. I had a similar meeting with my school counsellor once. We had one session and she promptly gave up on me. I considered it a victory, and still do to this day.
Conner's diary entry. He has daddy issues. Fuck you, man, that's Lila's bag.
Elizabeth begins her diary entry by saying, "I can't stand those 1980s John Hughes movies." Ohh, Liz. You've said and done some stupid and unforgivable shit before, but really! We've been through hundreds upon hundreds of books, TV episodes and board games together, but this is the first time I've actively wanted to bring you to life and STAB YOU IN YOUR THROAT! She then goes on to take aim at my personal favourite, The Breakfast Club. I mean, seriously! Was it not just last night that I drunkenly donned a pair of wayfarers and announced that chicks cannot hold their smoke, before serenading the room with a neverending rendition of 'Don't You Forget About Me?' (Answer: Maybe...) Liz then concedes that, "Is that maybe the point at the end of the movie? That the princess can be the rebel? Hmm. Maybe I should rent that one again." Well fucking yeah, Liz. I daresay maybe you should. And stop comparing yourself to Molly Ringwald. You are clearly Anthony Michael Hall.
Chapter two. Elizabeth is still talking to the counsellor. Since I officially hate her now and forever, I don't want to get into too much detail here. Basically she opens up about how she's been feeling since the earthquake, moving into Lila's house, moving out of Lila's house because she was an ungrateful John Hughes-hating assbutt, moving into Conner's, being kicked out of Conner's by Conner himself. Nothing about all the shit that happened to her last year, you know, when she dated a werewolf or when her cheerleading coach tried to drown her.
And, uh, where is she living now, then? I just assumed she was still at Conner's, but I guess she knows her life slightly better than I do. All this talking makes Liz feel better, but then Mr. Velasquez says she has to come back next week, because "I'd love to believe that I can make everything better in one class period, but I don't think that's the case." Heh. Clearly my school counsellor held a different opinion.
Gay Andy (who's not gay yet, I don't think) gives Conner a ride home, and calls him McD. Now I want McDonald's, so thanks, Andy. Apparently they've just come from the House of Java, and some of Megan's friends were staring at him, and now Conner thinks he's the next Robert Pattinson. No wait, that reference is way too cool, let me try again with a decade-appropriate teen idol -- Conner thinks he's the next Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Anyway, Conner walks into the kitchen and sees Megan and stepfather-but-not Gary cooking. Conner's like, "wtf, cooking? Is there no fava beans and chianti pizza in the fridge?" He gets angry 'cause Gary's being all parental, even though barely a chapter ago he was complaining about how Gary's not being all parental. Conner's just that kind of dude who you can't do right by. Kinda like Ralph Fiennes in Schindler's List. He decides he needs Elizabeth's help, because everyone needs Elizabeth's help.
Speaking of, Liz is at home, writing down a list of weekly goals or some shit. I don't know, Mr. Velasquez asked her to do it. I think he's giving Mr. Collins a run for his money as Elizabeth's favourite member of staff right now. Anyway, Ned and Alice come up to her room, and Liz notices that "they looked strange." I know, Liz -- they're present. What the hell's up with that? Anyway, they talk about how Mr. Velasquez (if you're nasty) called them and told them about all the counselling and whatnot, and try to talk to her. Liz thinks, "Could her mother be any more defensive?" Because she's Chandler Bing. Anyway, they tell her that she can't go to parties on school nights, and Liz immediately thinks they're grounding her. Um, no, Liz. It's called being a decent parent for once. The fact that she even thinks that not being allowed to go to parties on a school night is akin to being grounded is really worrying. Think of it this way, Liz, now you'll have time to rewatch The Breakfast Club like you promised me you would.
Ken and Maria have just gone to see a movie. It's kinda like a date, only they can't admit it, because of the whole Ken's-a-semi-widower-because-his-girlfriend-died-under-a-fridge situation. Come on, ladies, we've all been there. Maria does hilariously say, of the film they've just seen, "All these movies make it seem like we're incapable of being with members of the opposite sex without wanting to jump them." Excuse me while I put the book down and laugh hysterically. Was this film, by any chance, called Jessica Wakefield: The Movie? Ken blushes because he totally wants to bang her. (Maria, not Jessica.) Apparently he's having sexy thoughts of her, which is information I could've lived without, to be honest. Then he goes on about how her earlobes are making him hot. Ew, Ken Matthews has an ear fetish. They get to Maria's house, and Ken wants to kiss her. He instead invites her to a fair. Probably so he can fantasise about her earlobes again.
Ken's diary entry. He writes down a list of five things he likes about Maria. (The earlobes do not feature.) For those of you playing at home, he likes her because she's funny, smart, honest, beautiful and beautiful. Ghostwriters, take note -- that's not romantic. That's lazy. Ken doesn't even have five nice things to say about Maria, so he adds 'beautiful' twice. He could've added so many more things, like 'she has some damn sexy earlobes' or 'she's not yet been crushed to death by whitegoods.'
Maria, conversely, writes up five reasons why she likes having a guy friend. And I don't think she's doing it to dissuade her romantic feelings for Ken. She genuinely likes his company as a friend. Heh. I kinda like Maria right now.
Conner goes up to Elizabeth at school and asks her to have a word to Megan about the whole Gary Unmarried thing. She's all Saint Elizabeth-y about it, like Megan's life is going to be better after being Liz-ified. She still wants to bang Conner, though. And Conner has to force himself to walk away from her, saying, "He couldn't trust himself not to grab her," which means that he either wants to bang her or kill her. Possibly both. I mean, grab her? And then force her into his rape van? (He drives a Mustang, but whatever.) Conner, I think you need to go see Mr. Velasquez as well.
In French class, Jessica makes an appearance. Yay! I've kinda missed her. Of course, she is merely a pawn in another Elizabeth-centred scene. Maria's there too, and she's happy to see Liz looking so chipper. Apparently emo does not suit her. She tells the girls that she got a pink slip yesterday, and Maria's like, "from the principal's office?" and Liz gets all sarcastic and says, "No, pinks, you punk. Pink slips. Ownership papers?" Ha, no she doesn't. As if Liz is quippy enough to use a Grease reference. She hates all good movies, apparently. She does get a bit sarcastic, though, and is like, "Whatever. So I'm failing. And my parents said I couldn't go to any parties, so how am I gonna get almost-raped by Bruce Patman?" The conversation turns to Maria's pseudo-date with pseudo-widower Ken Matthews. Maria still doesn't notice that Ken's got the hots for her ears.
Liz skips an Oracle meeting to talk to Megan. I'm freaking out slightly at this. It's okay, though, because "she'd make it up to Mr. Collins soon enough." Um, ew. That is pretty much the skeeviest way she could've put that. I just...ew. I don't want to talk about this any more. So Liz and Megan go to Caseys and they talk about Gary, and then Liz realises she's forgotten her appointment with Mr. Velasquez. I shudder to think how she's going to make it up to him.
Angel writes Tia an email. Tia writes one back. I care so little about them that I'm not even going to bother.
Oh great, the chapter beings with Jessica meeting up with Tia and Jade for cheerleading practice. Tia, please go somewhere else. Jessica's all high off the Will love. Will, in case you've forgotten is the new quarterback whose one and only character trait is being a quarterback. Melissa's friends Gina and Cherie invite Tia and Jade to some party right in front of Jessica. They're mean bitches. At least Melissa has character. (Sort of.)
Liz drives home and tells her dad that she forgot about her appointment with Mr. Velasquez. Ned tells her that he and Alice were so worried about her that Alice is driving around the neighbourhood as they speak looking for her. Aww, that's so cute. My mother'd never do that for me. Liz is ungrateful of her parents' love. Now she's really grounded. Like, no going out anywhere, ever, and no phone privileges. Heh. The days before mobile phones told parents to go fuck themselves.
And we're back at the House of 1000 Corpses, aka Conner's house. He tells Gary that he overheard him telling his girlfriend that he can move in with them, and Gary's like, "Okay, I won't move my girlfriend in, just as long as you stop acting like a Jerky McJerkJerk and actually show up for dinner and stuff." Conner agrees, and then silently thinks, "there was a wall upstairs with his fist's name in it." You know, when Todd made punching threats, it was (for the most part) hot, but when Conner does it? It's more proof that he is, in fact, a murdering psychopath of some description.
Melissa's diary entry. Why do we even have a Melissa entry? She's been in this book a total of zero pages. Anyway. She's sitting back and basking in the fact that she's ruined Jessica's life and stolen her best friend. Well suck it, Melissa, 'cause isn't Jess banging your boyfriend? Is that really a life win? Actually, it probably is -- I'd rather have Lila in my life than Will the quarterback.
Ken and Maria are at the fair, and Ken really wants to win a stuffed animal. He may or may not be a furry. I'm just putting that out there. He eventually knocks down some pins or something, and wins a pink teddy bear to give to Maria. Maria's chuffed for a little while, until some strange brat throws a hissy fit, saying she wants a pink bear too. Maria gives her the bear. Ken = sad face 'cause Maria gave away his love bear.
Jess and Will are having coffee. I wish their storyline was more interesting. Tia and Andy arrive, and they all talk about Liz. Andy thinks it's perfectly normal that Liz might want to act out after seventeen years of being a prudey bitch, which seems logical to me. Apparently it also seems logical to Will, even though I don't believe Will and Liz have actually ever met. They talk about Cherie's party (I guess they got bored with Liz) and Will's like, "If Jessica didn't get invited, I'm not going." Jessica swoons. In fact, I swoon slightly as well. Mad props, Will the quarterback.
More Ken and Maria unresolved sexual tension. Someone should show that dude a picture of Olivia every now and then.
What the hell? Now Jeremy's getting a diary entry? Are you kidding me? Consider yourself skipped over, Jeremy. Maybe if you bothered to be in the book at all, it wouldn't have to be like this.
Liz and Jess are having some quality twin time. Jess mentions Cherie's party, and Liz is disappointed that she can't go. Why would she go anyway? Doesn't she hate all of those vapid cheerleaders, especially ones who go out of their way to ruin her sister's life? Even Jessica's like, "Why in clear blue hell would you care about missing that party?" Elizabeth mopes.
Maria and Ken pass notes in class with the aid of some girl named Madhavi. She must live in the Sweet Valley ghetto with all the other non-WASPS.
Conner's getting ready to have a family dinner, as per his and Gary's agreement. He thinks to himself, "he was primping for Gary, of all people?" This makes me laugh for a disproportionately long time. The dude's way too into the family love. Then he corrects himself and thinks that he's primping for Megan. Dammit, Conner, what did I just say? We're trying to have a civilisation over here! Anyway, before they can start dinner, the doorbell rings. Conner's like, "Oh no he did not!" Sure enough, Gary's girlfriend Alicia is at the door, and surprise -- they're engaged!
The happy family sits down to dinner, and Megan and Conner are silently pissed about Alicia (the fiancee) being there. Megan makes chitchat and asks her if she's staying nearby, and Gary's like, "Yeah, she's moving in here!" Um, what the fuck, Gary? I don't particularly like Conner, but that's shifty as all getout. Conner primped for you, Gary! Does that mean nothing to you?! You're just like the rest of them!
Maria's on like her third date with Ken when suddenly she realises that she's dating Ken. This is the smart Maria, mind you.
Conner is seething in his room, when he decides to go talk to Megan. Except that she's run away from home. Conner notes that she's even left her favourite teddy bear behind. These people are far too obsessed with stuffed animals. He and Ken should maybe think about getting some sushi or something.
Surprise, surprise, Megan goes to Elizabeth's house. I'm assuming she followed a star like the Three Wise Men did. Liz invites her in, despite the fact that she's not allowed to have friends over. While I realise this is a special case, one would think she might want to let her parents know that she is now harbouring a runaway. I don't know, I'm just spitballing here.
Ken and Maria are still on their awkward date. Fucking hell. Maria's like, "Ken, I'm so angry that you didn't tell me we were going on a first date tonight," and Ken's like, "Um, Maria, what exactly do you think we've been doing all week. It's called dating. Haven't you ever done this before?" Maria justifies her ignorance by saying she thought he was just hanging out with her as a friend, you know, like with Liz. Ooh, awkward. Maria, need I remind you how Ken feels about Liz?
Conner bursts into Gary's room and is like, "Hey dude, your daughter is missing. Have a good night." Then he goes around town, all Alice Wakefield-like, looking for his sister. Whom he calls Sandy...because her last name is Sandborn? Oh, that's right, it's their thing -- he calls he Sandy, she calls him Danny Mac. I had a similar relationship once -- he called me Betty, I called him Al. Anyway. Conner goes to Tia's to see if Megan's there, and she counts all the siblings in her comically large Mexican family and is all, "Nope, these are all mine. Maybe you should go to Liz's or something." Conner decides he'd better go to Liz's. Lawd help us.
Elizabeth and Megan are in her room, hugging it out. Liz looks out her window and sees Conner and Tia on her doorstep and is all, "They can't come in here, my folks'll flip!" Heh, I'm really not trying to add as many Grease references as possible, the opportunities just keep presenting themselves. Anyway, Alice answers the door and tells Tia and Conner that Liz is grounded and can't have friends over, and Liz and Megan, aka the human embodiment of I-Just-Undermined-My-Parents'-Authority come bounding down the stairs. Alice is like, "...shit." Alice goes into the kitchen, and Conner yells at Liz for not telling him that Megan was there. Because he, much like Liz, is an assbutt.
Once the McDermott/Sandborn/Ramirez party leaves, Liz goes into the kitchen to explain things to Alice. Alice hilariously says to her, "I can't believe you smuggled a guest into this house." Liz explains herself, and Alice demands to know why she didn't take my advice and tell her mother that a runaway teen needed her help. They start yelling at each other, and when Jess comes in, she lets slip that she knew Megan was indahouse. Alice sends them to their rooms. All this parenting in the one book is making me dizzy.
Ken and Maria go straight from their awkward maybe-date to Cherie's party. Worst. Car ride. Ever. Aaron Dallas makes an appearance at the party, which I'm happy about even though I never particularly liked him. This is nostalgia, people. At this stage, I'd be happy if Heather fucking Mallone showed up.
Jess goes into Liz's room to talk to her about the whole being-a-bad-girl thing she's been trying to do lately. But Liz has other ideas -- she's going to sneak out to Cherie's party! Because she's a John Bender, not a Claire Standish. (Or a Brian Johnson.)
Liz is at Cherie's party, and Maria's talking her ear off about how Ken's flirting with Gina. Only Liz isn't listening. Because she sucks. She's waiting for Conner to show up, and when he doesn't, she concedes that maybe she should go talk to Todd. Oh, Todd. I can't believe I actually miss you. Cherie, drunk as a skunk, is handing out drinks, and Elizabeth downs hers in a very Conner-like manner.
Ken finally gets away from stupid Gina, and goes to look for Maria. But she's turned the tables on his ass and is now flirting with Aaron Dallas! I wonder if they're doing it in baby voices.
Miss Lila Fowler writes a diary entry entitled 'Why I Think Elizabeth Wakefield is Losing It.' Okay, that is the greatest random diary entry ever. Her reasons are as follows:
--Because she saw Liz coming out of the counsellor's office. Lila helpfully tells us that "they only send you to Mr. V if you have emotional problems or if you're a delinquent or something." Heh. Lila.
--Because Liz is wearing all of Jessica's slutty clothes.
--Because she overheard Liz telling Maria that she's grounded. And then Liz snuck out to go to a party hosted by a girl she doesn't even like.
--Because Liz is drunk right now. Yeah, drunk. Liz Wakefield is drunk off her own accord. (Without drinking anything from a paper cup.) It is kinda weird that Lila would be writing a diary entry in the middle of a party, but okay. Lila can do whatever she wants.
Oh, and Lila's happy that Liz has lost it. Because she, too, must love John Hughes movies as much as me.
Conner goes back to Liz's house and begs Alice to let him talk to her. She's like, "How about no?" and Conner is all angsty once more. As he turns to leave, Jessica calls to him from the window and says that Liz snuck out to Cherie's party. I don't know why Jess tells him this. She despises him and everything he stands for. Jess, sometimes I don't even know who you are anymore.
Liz is piss-ass drunk and dancing to the 'Tequila' song. Please picture that scene in your head for a minute. Now dry your eyes from all the laughter-induced crying, and let's move on. I do love that at one point she shouts out "Tequila!" before the song calls for it. Andy comes up to her and is like, "Um, hey. So we're gonna take you home now, because you're pretty drunk." Liz looks at Andy and thinks he's handsome, and she might like to break herself off a piece of that. Hey Liz, why don't you go talk to Amy and see if you can work out where hers and Tom McKay's relationship went wrong. Liz finally decides to let Andy and Tia take her home, but then she tells them that she's going to the bathroom and sneaks off again. Hee! Drunk Liz is crafty.
Maria decides that she's over making Ken jealous by flirting with Aaron. Besides, he just used the phrase, "it's salsa time." And I'm pretty sure he didn't mean the condiment. She goes to find Ken, and sees him doing a little salsa-ing of his own -- with Cherie! Holy shit, how long can this go on? Did Ken learn nothing from the faux Gina flirting? Jesus Christ, these two deserve one another.
Oh yeah, and then they kiss. So I guess it all worked out in the end.
Liz stumbles over to the hot tub, and decides to get in...but not before stripping down to her underwear. Seriously. Liz is the most entertaining Sweet Valley drunk ever. Then the cops come for some reason. Conner arrives just in time and sees Liz (who I guess put her clothes back on?) stumbling around the driveway and pushes her into his car. I'm sure he's had a lot of practice doing that. Then they make out, because Conner is the world's biggest douchebag. End of chapter. I hope she throws up in his lap.
Of course, we end with diary entries. Conner says he loves Liz. Because shoving her into your rape Mustang while she's drunk and then sticking your tongue down her throat is the perfect way to show a lady you love her. Try it some time, fellas, and see how many tasers to the chest you get.
Elizabeth's diary entry just says the word 'finally' over and over again. Apparently she's not as skeeved out by the drunken Conner kiss as I am. That's a little frightening, actually, how desensitised she is to sexual assault. And yes, I may be overexaggerating slightly, but it's still sleazy.
And thus concludes this, the twelfth book in the Senior Year angst-fest. Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did!