SVH Senior Year #32: Road Trip
Well, well, well. It's been far too long since we've delved into the emotional and troubled world of Senior Year, but with thanks to eBay, Australia Post and the letter E, we're headed down that road again. Prepare for angst. Seriously. Anyone who's ever read an SY book knows that these characters aren't even people -- they're walking, talking balls of angst disguised as people. If you're having a night alone and happen to have a bottle of tequila handy, why don't you go ahead and take a shot every time you see the word 'angst' in this recap? Let's see how far you get before paramedics have to be called.
Cover time:
Despite the fact that there's plenty of room, only drunk emo Conner is awesome enough to have his whole face feature on the cover. Jeremy and Evan are only lame semi-faces. What scares me most in this picture is that drunk emo Conner is smiling. And he's also thirty. Anyway.
We begin with a couple of diary entries. Will's angsting (that's one!) about how he found out Ken only got into college because his dad bribed someone. Don't parents do that all the time, "donate" to their offspring's university of choice to better their chances of admission? I'm pretty sure that's what Warner's dad did in Legally Blonde, and why would Legally Blonde lie to me?
Conner's angsting (two angsts in two pages!) about how his rehab hook-up Alanna's back on the bottle. Wait, hold on, where are we on the Conner Sobriety Timeline? Is he clean now or in denial or what? Judging by his reaction to Alanna's booziness, I'm gonna go with he's sober. Good for Conner, I guess. I'm just wondering if I could care less about this character, and the answer appears to be no.
Evan's angsting (yes! three for three!) about how pathetically boring his life is. He doesn't mention anything specifically, just that he doesn't have a girlfriend and he'll be doing nothing for winter break. (Unless a road trip presents itself somehow...) Excuse me for a minute while I remind myself who the fuck this guy is anyway.
Jeremy's angsting (if you're surprised at this, you should be ashamed of yourself) about how his whole family's moving to Arizona except him. Okay, Macauley Culkin. He's feeling guilty because he decided to stay behind so he can be with Jessica. Wait, isn't his family like really poor or something? I specifically remember him having to work a lot to support them. That's really douchey, Jeremy, and you're not even staying behind for a good reason. Wow, four pages in, and I already want to stab a character. That's a new record. (Actually, it's not.)
Finally, the chapter begins. Andy and Tia have been playing pool all day, and Tia thinks that Andy's acting like a hustler. She references Tom Cruise in The Colour of Money, but can't remember the title or who his costar was. Andy, who apparently is down with eighties movie trivia, is like, "Paul Newman, Colour of Money," and Tia gets pissy that he's talking down to her. Apparently Andy tends to do that when they talk about movies. Ugh, I hate those people! (Even though I'm fairly sure I'm one of them.) Andy, you're on my stab list too. Tia gets over all the movie haughtiness pretty quickly, and they talk about Tia going out with some dude called Trent, who I'm sure I'd remember if I really put my mind to it. I think he's a friend of Jeremy's or something. Oh, and Tia very casually mentions that Andy's gay. As in, she talks about how if she doesn't get her act together romance-wise, she'll end up "going to prom with my gay friend." Suh-mooth, Tee. And also, angsty and hormonal much? Stab list, population you.
Jeremy goes to Jessica's place to angst some more about how he's going to miss his family. Sorry, J-Dawg, but I have absolutely no sympathy for you whatsoever. You're not quite stabbing fodder yet, but you will be if you don't shut the hell up and start with the road trip fun soon. Jeremy randomly announces that he's going...on a road trip! Yay! That was quick. Thanks plenty, Jeremy. And where are you going, Jeremy? Tell the class. Jeremy's going to Arizona...to visit his family...who left today. Sweet Valley logic is a strange thing, isn't it? He invites Jessica to come with him. Jess actually says, "If I convince my parents that letting me take off with my boyfriend was a good idea -- which I actually might be able to do..." Heh. I like how it's 2001 and the ghostwriters aren't even pretending that Alice and Ned are decent parents. Unfortunately for Jeremy, the end of that sentence is about the Wakefields going to some sort of family reunion. God, I hope that's one of the plots of this book. It'll be like 'The Wakefields of Sweet Valley', senior year style. And by that, I mean more angst and less horseback-riding midgets or whatever that book was about.
Jessica suggests that Jeremy take Evan with him on his road trip. Yeah, Evan, who Jeremy has met once in passing. That won't be awkward or weird or anything like that. Elizabeth walks past and vouches for Evan's awesomeness. Since both Wakefields have now ordered Jeremy to do something, he has to do it. He promises to call Evan and invite him to Arizona with him. Oh Ghostwriter, please, PLEASE let me listen in on that conversation. I beg of you.
Ken and Maria are at a restaurant, celebrating Ken's awesomeness. Wow, everyone's so awesome in this book. Not only did Ken win some all-important football game, he also got into the University of Michigan. Mr. Matthews is even being nice to Maria, so it must be a special occasion. Ken thinks everything is "too good to be true," so my bet is that things are about to go downhill from here. Disappointing, too, since he seems to be the only one of these people not angsting.
Conner and Evan are watching MTV, and Conner's complaining about how none of the artists can even play instruments, and how music these days sucks big fat weasel balls. (Not quite in those words.) I really, really hate to agree with Conner, but I do. Apparently they're watching All Boy Bands: All Weekend. I'm actually killing myself laughing right now thinking of indie emo Conner watching manufactured boy bands parade around on TV with their sex hair. Evan randomly says that he wants to get out of Sweet Valley, like there's no MTV outside the city walls or something. Suddenly, he gets a call from Jeremy offering to take him on a road trip to Arizona. Wow! Excuse me for a minute while I complain about how poor I am, and then wait for a million dollars to call me, looking for a new home.
Jeremy asks Evan to go with him to Arizona, "since we've never really hung out or anything." So why not start with a long-ass road trip? I can only imagine that this guy's first dates come with an engagement ring in a champagne glass. Evan's like, "Awesome, this doesn't freak me out at all. Hey, can I invite my reformed alcoholic buddy along too?" Jeremy's a little weirded out by that, but agrees, because apparently this guy has absolutely no other friends besides Jessica.
Evan gets off the phone and Conner's like, "What the fuck did you just do?!!" Evan explains that he's just signed them up on a road trip with a stranger. He even has to describe Jeremy for Conner. That's how little they know of each other. I mean Jesus Christ, how did anybody think this'd be a good idea? Instead of being, you know, normal, Conner says that as long as Evan can convince his mother, he'll go.
Jeremy writes up an itinerary, complete with snack stops and drivers. This guy belongs with Elizabeth, not Jess. I do love this line, though -- "I hope she [Jessica] was totally wrong when she told me that Conner McDermott was the biggest jerk she'd ever met in her life." Funny, but gee, that's a big call from Jess. She's met a lot of jerks in her life. At least Conner hasn't tried to rape or kill her. Yet. (There is something a little Ed Gein-esque about him...)
Will and Melissa are getting ice-cream. Remember Melissa, aka Bitchy McBitch-Bitch? Well, she's back, and she's with Will again. Apparently she knows about the whole Ken Matthews scholarship/bribery debacle, which I must say is very little of her business. Will mentions that Mr. Matthews has some authority in Michigan U's sports department, and he's promising some guy called Hank a coaching job if he'll let ol' Kenny in. Ugh, whatever, this is so boring. Between this and the whole point-shaving scandal at the start of the SVU series, the only thing this is teaching me is that all college sporting departments are rigged. Will tells Melissa to keep her mouth shut. Melissa's totally not going to.
Tia's ex-boyfriend Angel comes to visit her. He's just broken up with his girlfriend, and now he's on her doorstep. Tia swoons. Does anyone really care about these two people? Because I don't.
Meanwhile, Ken is still all amped about the University of Michigan. He calls it U Mich, so I will too. He asks Maria about Yale, and she doesn't want to talk about it, because it means they'll have to acknowledge the fact that they might not be together next year. Ken gets a bit sad at the thought. Jeez, Ken. Need I remind you that you got over the last love of your life pretty damn quickly, and she got the life crushed out of her by the Wakefield's fridge.
Trent sends an e-mail to Tia, basically explaining to we the readers why he wasn't able to go with Jeremy to Arizona, thereby forcing Jeremy to ask two total strangers to go with him instead. Tia sends one back, making small talk and avoiding the fact that her ex is back in town. I ask again, do we care? At all? Anyone?
The next chapter starts with Jeremy in the car. "All night long he'd had nightmares about making the drive with Evan and Conner." Because this is fucking weird, and while Jessica has managed to convince him that it's not, there's no fooling his subconscious. I'm kind-of glad to hear that. He pulls up to where E & C are waiting for him. I guess Conner's mother had absolutely no problem with Conner driving across the country with two seventeen-year-olds, despite the fact that he just got out of rehab and watched his girlfriend relapse in no time. That cannot be good for anyone. They eventually get going on their all-male road trip, which will now be known as the Mancation, because it sounds funny and just a little bit gay.
Conner gets into the car, and for some reason, Jeremy is angry. "He didn't want to be a jerk, but shouldn't Conner have at least asked before he jumped into the car like that?" Jeremy, are you shrooming or something? You invited him on your road trip! What the hell was he supposed to do, jog alongside the car? Jeremy instantly hates Conner. He gives the other guys his queer little itinerary, and they rightly laugh at the thing. Jeremy hates both of them now. Jeremy, unfortunately for you, there is not enough room in the car for emotional baggage. Leave your passive aggression at home, per favore.
Will's doing some internship at the Tribune with Ken's dad. Awk-ward! He partners Will up with some thirtysomething journalist named Meg and ships them both off to San Francisco to interview the Forty Niners. Sounds like a dream come true for a football-head like Will. (And by that, I mean that Will lives and breathes football, not that he physically has a football-shaped head. This isn't Hey, Arnold, you know.) All Will can think about is bloody Ken and the bloody scholarship. You know, the other Senior Year book I have is also about Will obsessing over Ken Matthews. This isn't healthy in the slightest. Will, just go to San Fran with the hot journalist. Jeez.
Back on the Mancation, Evan is psychoanalysing Jeremy. He thinks Jeremy feels guilty for abandoning his family. Jeremy thinks he's wrong. Yeah, because driving all the way to Arizona the day after your family moves there means nothing. This is purely a guys' week. Except that nobody knows each other. Jeremy tells us that Conner hasn't spoken for seven hours. There we go, that's the miserable, broody Conner we all know and love, not that smiling fellow on the cover. Turns out it's because he's asleep, and soon Jeremy joins him in the Land of the Nod. Evan's bummed, because this is not how a Mancation's supposed to go. They're supposed to be all wayfarers and convertibles, singing 'Life Is A Highway' at the top of their lungs. I know these things; I saw Thelma and Louise. Actually, if this trip ended the way theirs did, I wouldn't be too broken up about it.
Evan decides to take a detour and go to Vegas. In fairness, he does consult the other passengers...except they're all asleep. And granted, I've never been to Vegas myself, but isn't it pretty much Booze- and Titty-Land? Isn't it a little inconsiderate of him to be taking a recovering alcoholic to Las Vegas? Evan, dude, that is a world of uncool.
Jessica writes a letter on her way to the Wakefield family reunion. Apparently Liz won't talk to her, and all Jessica's doing is memorising other cars' license plates. That is so sad -- we're numerous hours into a Wakefield vacation, and they haven't met any boys yet? Where are all the rockstars/werewolves/psychos?
Oh, God -- Tia and Andy are grocery shopping. As if these two could get any more boring. Andy grabs a box of "high-fiber twigs and sticks" and puts them in the cart. Um, ew. I don't even know what those are, but ew. Tia says "ew" too, and I feel a little ashamed that my brain works on the same wavelength as Tia's. She's going on about how it's fate that Angel showed up on her doorstep, like in a romantic comedy -- "you know, when the girl thinks she's lost Freddie Prinze Jr. forever, and then he shows up out of the blue with flowers and everything?" No, Tia, don't even say that! Losing Freddie Prinze Jr. is a horrible, horrible thought. And by the way, I have no idea what movie she's talking about. (She's All That?) She really sucks with movie stuff. Andy gets all weird because he's 'shipping Tia and Trent. So am I, because their celebrity couple name would be Tent.
Melissa is hanging out with her girlfriends, and you know what that means, don't you? Lila time! Yippee! And also Amy, but who the hell cares about Amy? Melissa's annoyed that Will cancelled their dinner plans to go to San Francisco. Hoo boy, and she doesn't even know about the hot journo he's going there with! Melissa's going to go psycho again, like the last time Will did something stupid and she tried to kill herself. Ah, fun times. Ken and Maria rock up to HOJ, and Melissa gets all jealous. Yes, not only is she crazy over her own boyfriend's activities, she's also crazy about other people's boyfriends. Mental stability, we hardly knew ye.
Gina calls Maria a dog, and Ken gets all overprotective and tells Melissa to back off. 'Kay, then. Maria's all, "Melissa's just gone psycho again because you dumped her, remember?" I get that Melissa's a bitch and all, people, but are we forgetting that it's customary to pick a fight with the person who actually did the insulting? Melissa gets hella pissed, and snarks back that Ken only got his U Mich scholarship because his daddy bribed some dude named Hank.
Jeremy and Conner wake up, and Evan's like, "Okay, so don't freak out, but I just drove three hundred miles off-course to Temptation City. Don't be mad or anything. I did it for the sake of the Mancation." Conner seems pretty damn excited, which is worrying. Jeremy flips the fuck out. Evan explains that it's all part of the spontaneity of Mancationing, all the while calling Jeremy 'Jer'. If Jeremy doesn't punch him, I will. And it will be with a knife. Eventually, Jeremy concedes. No punches are thrown. I miss Todd Wilkins.
Elizabeth begins a diary entry by asking, somewhat bafflingly, "How can identical twins...be sooooo different?" Are...are you serious, Elizabeth? Again with this? Why will you people not leave that subject alone! You're similar, and yet different! We fucking get it! Liz is annoyed that Jess wants to play car games and sing along to the radio. Yeah, Jessica, what's with all this 'fun' business? Just look out the window and memorise license plates.
Conner's diary entry. He calls Jeremy "Mr. Itinerary", and finally agrees with me that Vegas, even though it may be "Disneyland for adults", is also the place where sobriety goes to die. I'd also like to mention, just once, that these people are not adults. What are they planning to do in Vegas, anyway?
Maria and Ken are angsting. Great. Thanks a mil, Melissa. Ken says he doesn't believe that his dad paid for his scholarship, but inside, he's not so sure. Not because he thinks he's a bad player or anything -- he just doesn't trust his father not to stoop so low. How long has Ken Matthews had daddy issues? I guess since they moved Lila to tertiary character status, someone had to pick up the slack. He decides to confront Matthews Snr about the whole thing, then randomly thinks how wonderful and perfect Maria is. Ah, young love. It's all fun and games until the death-by-fridgeing.
Tia is talking to her hair. I'm not even kidding. She's threatening to pin it back unless it does what she wants. Hanging out with Halfway-To-Serial-Killer Conner McDermott is doing nothing for Tia's mental state. She eventually curls it and puts a butterfly clip in it. Hee, remember those? I used to lose masses of them at a time. I was convinced that one day I'd clean my room out and there'd be a hoard of them, making little butterfly clip babies in cocoons or something. But this really isn't about me, is it? Angel arrives, and Tia gets all jittery and excited again.
The Mancation has officially hit Vegas, baby! Woot! Conner thinks the whole thing looks and sounds fake. Way to be a downer, Conner. Evan's voice is "practically shaking with excitement." It seems nothing gets Evan's motor running quite like the promise of Elvis impersonators and Wayne Newton. They find a motel, and Evan's impressed that nobody questions their age. "Obviously they all looked old enough to be there on their own." I'll say -- did you see yourselves on the front cover?
Maria's diary entry. She bitches about quizzes in women's magazines and Melissa Fox. I don't know what one thing has to do with the other, really, but I guess since Maria's so smart I should just trust her. Also, I'm just going to go on a very small rant for a second and remind you all that this book is quite literally about a bunch of characters nobody cares about. At all. The Wakefields are the only people keeping this series together, and they're totally AWOL. Those dudes in Vegas had better get up to some serious shenanigans very soon.
Would you look at that -- the Vegas boys are drinking coffee at a diner. On a scale of one to shenanigans, that activity's about a one. Some woman named Laney starts talking to them, telling them that they can't spend just one night in Vegas. Actually, I'm going to bet (no pun intended) that you can if you're seventeen and determined to stay away from the drink. What else is there to do in Vegas except drink and gamble? She offers Evan a tour of the strip, and Evan goes off with her. Jeremy thinks it's weird that he left with a complete stranger, which sounds to me like an awful lot of judgement coming from Mr. Let's-Go-To-Tucson-With-A-Bunch-Of-Dudes-I-Don't-Know. Conner decides that going off by himself is still a better option than sitting around with Jeremy (whom he calls Mr. Itinerary twice more in this chapter), and pisses off, hilariously thinking, "No wonder Elizabeth's twin was dating him -- he was just as uptight as she was." Ooh, double burn! Sober Conner is kind-of win.
Tia and Angel are out on their date. Tia is in L-U-V. That's all you get from their plotline, because I hate them both.
Ken goes to the newspaper to talk to his dad, and instead finds Will. Is he back from San Francisco or something? Um...okay. I thought the whole going-to-San-Fran-with-the-lady-journo was going to be a plot point or something, but apparently not. Ken's like, "Your psycho moll of a girlfriend is going around telling lies about my ability to get scholarships," and Will's like, "Um, yeah, about that..." Ken realises that Melissa was truthin'. He gets angry, and this I have to mention: "he had to force himself to resist the urge to pound the water cooler as he passed it." Hee, that was almost a Kenpunch! And on an inanimate object, too!
Jeremy writes on a customer comment card at the Vegas diner. He seems to be angsting. Quite a bit, too. Take a big drink now.
Conner, a priest and a rabbi all walk into a bar. Ahahaha, I crack myself up. He's getting tempted to drink. (Conner, that is.) Now personally, I would think a good solution to this problem would be to walk out of the bar, but what would I know? Conner decides that one little drinkey-poo won't hurt him. Except that it will.
Evan and that random Laney woman are bungee-jumping. Again, Sweet Valley logic at work. They decide to go see a show. Oh now, come on! I was only kidding about the Wayne Newton thing before! Could this book get any stupider?
Jeremy is still angsting at the diner. Hello, Jeremy, and welcome to my stab list. I did warn you. He calls his mother and explains that Evan drove to Vegas while they were all asleep, and his mother's like, "What?! You let a strange boy drive your car and take you to Vegas? Wait 'til your father hears about this -- you're gonna get such a hiding." Now the sad fact about this is that I'm kidding. What Mrs. Aames actually says is, "That's great. You deserve a little fun." Because Ned and Alice are now teaching parenting classes over at the Sweet Valley community centre, and Jeremy's mother is their star pupil.
Conner shows a little self-control and turns down the barmaid's offer for a drink. She immediately recognises that he's got some sobriety issues. Apparently being a hot blonde female bartender means you have some sort of teen alcoholic detector. Which is strange, because I'm a hot blonde female bartender (if I do say so myself!) and apart from my regular customers, I wouldn't have a fucking clue who's an alco and who's not. They talk for a bit, and then Connor realises that he misses Alanna. Who? Oh yeah, his rehab lay. Right.
Ken writes a passive aggressive letter to his father. He feels sorry for his dad for having to put up with a failure of a son. He should also think about seeing a therapist sometime soon.
Tia and Angel's date is over. The movie sucked. They kiss. Tia's happy. Andy's dream of the Tent hookup seems all but shattered.
Evan and Laney talk about God knows what. You know, at the start of the book, I assumed that this whole road trip was a Breakfast Club-type scenario whereby these guys would be forced to bond with one another, but all they seem to be doing is hanging out with other people. I honestly don't understand the point of this entire storyline.
At the diner, the waitress hands Jeremy a message from Laney and Evan, telling him and Connor to go to some wedding chapel because they "need witnesses." Of course, because it's not a Vegas road trip story without an impromptu wedding. If we've learned anything from Friends and 90210, it ought to be that.
Laney and Evan are at the Elvis Chapel. Original. I think this is supposed to be suspenseful, but I couldn't care less, not even if Evan and Laney decided to enter into some sort of murder-suicide pact. I daresay that might make the book more interesting. Laney reveals that they're not getting married, but they're there to be a part of someone else's wedding. What. The. Fuck. Apparently Laney does this for shits and giggles. You know, Evan, I was just kidding about that murder-suicide thing before, but if you don't get out of there now, I fear that's how this beautiful friendship will end.
Ken actually sits in the dark, waiting for his father to come home. Seriously, Matthews. Therapy. Now. Ken accuses him of bribing the Hank dude, and Mr. Matthews explains by saying what I'm pretty sure I said at the start of this recap -- people do that kind of shit all the time. I knew Legally Blonde wouldn't lie to me. Ken's like, "That's not the point! It's dishonest," and Mr. Matthews could not give less of a shit what his disappointment of a son thinks. He just switches off the light and leaves Ken alone in the dark again. The way all good serial killers like it.
Jeremy gets to the Elvis Chapel (I just typo'd that as Evil Chapel -- eat that, Mr. Freud!) and barges through the doors just in time to stop the wedding...someone else's wedding, that is. Evan's like, "Um...you got Punk'd?" Heh. Jeremy? Not a happy camper. They hang around to bear witness to Ariel and Jimmy's holy union, though, because if a strange Vegas showgirl tells you it'll be fun to watch a very tall woman marry an almost-midget, then by hell, you'd better have fun! Jeremy suddenly realises just how absurd the whole situation is and starts laughing his ass off. So...it all worked out in the end? I don't know what message I'm supposed to be getting from all this. Aren't they the least bit concerned that Conner is wandering around all by himself? For all they know, he's at some strip club getting piss-ass drunk. Instead, Jeremy steals Elvis's scarf.
Evan and Jeremy meet up with Conner back at the hotel. They don't seem to care about what he's been up to in the slightest. These people should not be friends. Conner offers to organise a wake-up call so they can be on time tomorrow, and Jeremy's like, "We don't need no stinkin' wake-up call!" Well, hell. Jeremy is finally giving into the awesomeness of the Mancation, ten chapters too late.
Melissa writes an email to Will, telling him that Ken was asking questions about the U Mich scholarship and she had to tell him. She is so much more of a sociopath than Jessica ever was. It pains my soul to even type those words, but seriously. This girl should not be allowed out in public.
Trent (remember him?) emails Tia, wanting to get together with her. He knows nothing about the Angel stuff. It's kind-of sad.
More Tia and Angel. Joy. Angel mentions he's taken up boxing, which is kind-of hawt, if you're into that sort of thing. Tia, apparently, is not. She changes the subject and brings up prom, and Angel thinks she's getting a little ahead of herself. After all, he's just here for winter break. Tia gets all sad and whatever, and I can tell that angst will follow pretty shortly. I swear to God, if she goes running back to Trent, there will be stabbing.
Ken and Maria talk scholarships. Yawn. Ken was so much cooler back in junior year, when he was off punching Palisades kids and going blind and stuff.
Tia's in her room, being a sadsack. Her mother comes in to offer some friendly, non-judgemental support. Well done, Mrs. Ramirez. You stay far away from those Wakefield parents. They'll only bring you down. She does mention that Andy called to give Trent's phone number to her. Tia, DO NOT. I mean it. Aaaaand...she does. She motherfucking calls her fallback guy Trent and organises to meet him in fifteen minutes. Tia, sweetheart, I hate you. I'm a hundred per cent serious. If I ever saw you in real life, I would stab you.
Diary entry from Jeremy. He's over being angsty and is now happy that he let Evan drive them all to Vegas. He gave his mother the Elvis scarf. All is well in Jeremyland, so put down that tequila.
Diary entry from Evan. He is no longer bored or angsty. He wants to be more like Laney, who goes wherever the wind takes her and enjoys attending random Vegas midget weddings.
Diary entry from Conner. He's still angsting about Alanna the drunk girl we care even less about than him. Conner, seriously. Did you not understand what we were doing here? The Mancation was supposed to cure you of all your angst, and yet here you are, angsting away in your creepy handwriting. Mancation fail.
Diary entry from Elizabeth. Why? She wasn't even in this book! It seems she met up with her flaky cousin Becky who is no longer a flake. She concedes that even Jessica is less of a flake than this time last year. Which means that Elizabeth is the flakiest of them all, hanging out with rehab outpatients and whatnot. I'm thinking this diary entry must be a segue into the next book I'm definitely not going to read.
The end. Hooray for the Mancation, I guess.
Cover time:
Despite the fact that there's plenty of room, only drunk emo Conner is awesome enough to have his whole face feature on the cover. Jeremy and Evan are only lame semi-faces. What scares me most in this picture is that drunk emo Conner is smiling. And he's also thirty. Anyway.
We begin with a couple of diary entries. Will's angsting (that's one!) about how he found out Ken only got into college because his dad bribed someone. Don't parents do that all the time, "donate" to their offspring's university of choice to better their chances of admission? I'm pretty sure that's what Warner's dad did in Legally Blonde, and why would Legally Blonde lie to me?
Conner's angsting (two angsts in two pages!) about how his rehab hook-up Alanna's back on the bottle. Wait, hold on, where are we on the Conner Sobriety Timeline? Is he clean now or in denial or what? Judging by his reaction to Alanna's booziness, I'm gonna go with he's sober. Good for Conner, I guess. I'm just wondering if I could care less about this character, and the answer appears to be no.
Evan's angsting (yes! three for three!) about how pathetically boring his life is. He doesn't mention anything specifically, just that he doesn't have a girlfriend and he'll be doing nothing for winter break. (Unless a road trip presents itself somehow...) Excuse me for a minute while I remind myself who the fuck this guy is anyway.
Jeremy's angsting (if you're surprised at this, you should be ashamed of yourself) about how his whole family's moving to Arizona except him. Okay, Macauley Culkin. He's feeling guilty because he decided to stay behind so he can be with Jessica. Wait, isn't his family like really poor or something? I specifically remember him having to work a lot to support them. That's really douchey, Jeremy, and you're not even staying behind for a good reason. Wow, four pages in, and I already want to stab a character. That's a new record. (Actually, it's not.)
Finally, the chapter begins. Andy and Tia have been playing pool all day, and Tia thinks that Andy's acting like a hustler. She references Tom Cruise in The Colour of Money, but can't remember the title or who his costar was. Andy, who apparently is down with eighties movie trivia, is like, "Paul Newman, Colour of Money," and Tia gets pissy that he's talking down to her. Apparently Andy tends to do that when they talk about movies. Ugh, I hate those people! (Even though I'm fairly sure I'm one of them.) Andy, you're on my stab list too. Tia gets over all the movie haughtiness pretty quickly, and they talk about Tia going out with some dude called Trent, who I'm sure I'd remember if I really put my mind to it. I think he's a friend of Jeremy's or something. Oh, and Tia very casually mentions that Andy's gay. As in, she talks about how if she doesn't get her act together romance-wise, she'll end up "going to prom with my gay friend." Suh-mooth, Tee. And also, angsty and hormonal much? Stab list, population you.
Jeremy goes to Jessica's place to angst some more about how he's going to miss his family. Sorry, J-Dawg, but I have absolutely no sympathy for you whatsoever. You're not quite stabbing fodder yet, but you will be if you don't shut the hell up and start with the road trip fun soon. Jeremy randomly announces that he's going...on a road trip! Yay! That was quick. Thanks plenty, Jeremy. And where are you going, Jeremy? Tell the class. Jeremy's going to Arizona...to visit his family...who left today. Sweet Valley logic is a strange thing, isn't it? He invites Jessica to come with him. Jess actually says, "If I convince my parents that letting me take off with my boyfriend was a good idea -- which I actually might be able to do..." Heh. I like how it's 2001 and the ghostwriters aren't even pretending that Alice and Ned are decent parents. Unfortunately for Jeremy, the end of that sentence is about the Wakefields going to some sort of family reunion. God, I hope that's one of the plots of this book. It'll be like 'The Wakefields of Sweet Valley', senior year style. And by that, I mean more angst and less horseback-riding midgets or whatever that book was about.
Jessica suggests that Jeremy take Evan with him on his road trip. Yeah, Evan, who Jeremy has met once in passing. That won't be awkward or weird or anything like that. Elizabeth walks past and vouches for Evan's awesomeness. Since both Wakefields have now ordered Jeremy to do something, he has to do it. He promises to call Evan and invite him to Arizona with him. Oh Ghostwriter, please, PLEASE let me listen in on that conversation. I beg of you.
Ken and Maria are at a restaurant, celebrating Ken's awesomeness. Wow, everyone's so awesome in this book. Not only did Ken win some all-important football game, he also got into the University of Michigan. Mr. Matthews is even being nice to Maria, so it must be a special occasion. Ken thinks everything is "too good to be true," so my bet is that things are about to go downhill from here. Disappointing, too, since he seems to be the only one of these people not angsting.
Conner and Evan are watching MTV, and Conner's complaining about how none of the artists can even play instruments, and how music these days sucks big fat weasel balls. (Not quite in those words.) I really, really hate to agree with Conner, but I do. Apparently they're watching All Boy Bands: All Weekend. I'm actually killing myself laughing right now thinking of indie emo Conner watching manufactured boy bands parade around on TV with their sex hair. Evan randomly says that he wants to get out of Sweet Valley, like there's no MTV outside the city walls or something. Suddenly, he gets a call from Jeremy offering to take him on a road trip to Arizona. Wow! Excuse me for a minute while I complain about how poor I am, and then wait for a million dollars to call me, looking for a new home.
Jeremy asks Evan to go with him to Arizona, "since we've never really hung out or anything." So why not start with a long-ass road trip? I can only imagine that this guy's first dates come with an engagement ring in a champagne glass. Evan's like, "Awesome, this doesn't freak me out at all. Hey, can I invite my reformed alcoholic buddy along too?" Jeremy's a little weirded out by that, but agrees, because apparently this guy has absolutely no other friends besides Jessica.
Evan gets off the phone and Conner's like, "What the fuck did you just do?!!" Evan explains that he's just signed them up on a road trip with a stranger. He even has to describe Jeremy for Conner. That's how little they know of each other. I mean Jesus Christ, how did anybody think this'd be a good idea? Instead of being, you know, normal, Conner says that as long as Evan can convince his mother, he'll go.
Jeremy writes up an itinerary, complete with snack stops and drivers. This guy belongs with Elizabeth, not Jess. I do love this line, though -- "I hope she [Jessica] was totally wrong when she told me that Conner McDermott was the biggest jerk she'd ever met in her life." Funny, but gee, that's a big call from Jess. She's met a lot of jerks in her life. At least Conner hasn't tried to rape or kill her. Yet. (There is something a little Ed Gein-esque about him...)
Will and Melissa are getting ice-cream. Remember Melissa, aka Bitchy McBitch-Bitch? Well, she's back, and she's with Will again. Apparently she knows about the whole Ken Matthews scholarship/bribery debacle, which I must say is very little of her business. Will mentions that Mr. Matthews has some authority in Michigan U's sports department, and he's promising some guy called Hank a coaching job if he'll let ol' Kenny in. Ugh, whatever, this is so boring. Between this and the whole point-shaving scandal at the start of the SVU series, the only thing this is teaching me is that all college sporting departments are rigged. Will tells Melissa to keep her mouth shut. Melissa's totally not going to.
Tia's ex-boyfriend Angel comes to visit her. He's just broken up with his girlfriend, and now he's on her doorstep. Tia swoons. Does anyone really care about these two people? Because I don't.
Meanwhile, Ken is still all amped about the University of Michigan. He calls it U Mich, so I will too. He asks Maria about Yale, and she doesn't want to talk about it, because it means they'll have to acknowledge the fact that they might not be together next year. Ken gets a bit sad at the thought. Jeez, Ken. Need I remind you that you got over the last love of your life pretty damn quickly, and she got the life crushed out of her by the Wakefield's fridge.
Trent sends an e-mail to Tia, basically explaining to we the readers why he wasn't able to go with Jeremy to Arizona, thereby forcing Jeremy to ask two total strangers to go with him instead. Tia sends one back, making small talk and avoiding the fact that her ex is back in town. I ask again, do we care? At all? Anyone?
The next chapter starts with Jeremy in the car. "All night long he'd had nightmares about making the drive with Evan and Conner." Because this is fucking weird, and while Jessica has managed to convince him that it's not, there's no fooling his subconscious. I'm kind-of glad to hear that. He pulls up to where E & C are waiting for him. I guess Conner's mother had absolutely no problem with Conner driving across the country with two seventeen-year-olds, despite the fact that he just got out of rehab and watched his girlfriend relapse in no time. That cannot be good for anyone. They eventually get going on their all-male road trip, which will now be known as the Mancation, because it sounds funny and just a little bit gay.
Conner gets into the car, and for some reason, Jeremy is angry. "He didn't want to be a jerk, but shouldn't Conner have at least asked before he jumped into the car like that?" Jeremy, are you shrooming or something? You invited him on your road trip! What the hell was he supposed to do, jog alongside the car? Jeremy instantly hates Conner. He gives the other guys his queer little itinerary, and they rightly laugh at the thing. Jeremy hates both of them now. Jeremy, unfortunately for you, there is not enough room in the car for emotional baggage. Leave your passive aggression at home, per favore.
Will's doing some internship at the Tribune with Ken's dad. Awk-ward! He partners Will up with some thirtysomething journalist named Meg and ships them both off to San Francisco to interview the Forty Niners. Sounds like a dream come true for a football-head like Will. (And by that, I mean that Will lives and breathes football, not that he physically has a football-shaped head. This isn't Hey, Arnold, you know.) All Will can think about is bloody Ken and the bloody scholarship. You know, the other Senior Year book I have is also about Will obsessing over Ken Matthews. This isn't healthy in the slightest. Will, just go to San Fran with the hot journalist. Jeez.
Back on the Mancation, Evan is psychoanalysing Jeremy. He thinks Jeremy feels guilty for abandoning his family. Jeremy thinks he's wrong. Yeah, because driving all the way to Arizona the day after your family moves there means nothing. This is purely a guys' week. Except that nobody knows each other. Jeremy tells us that Conner hasn't spoken for seven hours. There we go, that's the miserable, broody Conner we all know and love, not that smiling fellow on the cover. Turns out it's because he's asleep, and soon Jeremy joins him in the Land of the Nod. Evan's bummed, because this is not how a Mancation's supposed to go. They're supposed to be all wayfarers and convertibles, singing 'Life Is A Highway' at the top of their lungs. I know these things; I saw Thelma and Louise. Actually, if this trip ended the way theirs did, I wouldn't be too broken up about it.
Evan decides to take a detour and go to Vegas. In fairness, he does consult the other passengers...except they're all asleep. And granted, I've never been to Vegas myself, but isn't it pretty much Booze- and Titty-Land? Isn't it a little inconsiderate of him to be taking a recovering alcoholic to Las Vegas? Evan, dude, that is a world of uncool.
Jessica writes a letter on her way to the Wakefield family reunion. Apparently Liz won't talk to her, and all Jessica's doing is memorising other cars' license plates. That is so sad -- we're numerous hours into a Wakefield vacation, and they haven't met any boys yet? Where are all the rockstars/werewolves/psychos?
Oh, God -- Tia and Andy are grocery shopping. As if these two could get any more boring. Andy grabs a box of "high-fiber twigs and sticks" and puts them in the cart. Um, ew. I don't even know what those are, but ew. Tia says "ew" too, and I feel a little ashamed that my brain works on the same wavelength as Tia's. She's going on about how it's fate that Angel showed up on her doorstep, like in a romantic comedy -- "you know, when the girl thinks she's lost Freddie Prinze Jr. forever, and then he shows up out of the blue with flowers and everything?" No, Tia, don't even say that! Losing Freddie Prinze Jr. is a horrible, horrible thought. And by the way, I have no idea what movie she's talking about. (She's All That?) She really sucks with movie stuff. Andy gets all weird because he's 'shipping Tia and Trent. So am I, because their celebrity couple name would be Tent.
Melissa is hanging out with her girlfriends, and you know what that means, don't you? Lila time! Yippee! And also Amy, but who the hell cares about Amy? Melissa's annoyed that Will cancelled their dinner plans to go to San Francisco. Hoo boy, and she doesn't even know about the hot journo he's going there with! Melissa's going to go psycho again, like the last time Will did something stupid and she tried to kill herself. Ah, fun times. Ken and Maria rock up to HOJ, and Melissa gets all jealous. Yes, not only is she crazy over her own boyfriend's activities, she's also crazy about other people's boyfriends. Mental stability, we hardly knew ye.
Gina calls Maria a dog, and Ken gets all overprotective and tells Melissa to back off. 'Kay, then. Maria's all, "Melissa's just gone psycho again because you dumped her, remember?" I get that Melissa's a bitch and all, people, but are we forgetting that it's customary to pick a fight with the person who actually did the insulting? Melissa gets hella pissed, and snarks back that Ken only got his U Mich scholarship because his daddy bribed some dude named Hank.
Jeremy and Conner wake up, and Evan's like, "Okay, so don't freak out, but I just drove three hundred miles off-course to Temptation City. Don't be mad or anything. I did it for the sake of the Mancation." Conner seems pretty damn excited, which is worrying. Jeremy flips the fuck out. Evan explains that it's all part of the spontaneity of Mancationing, all the while calling Jeremy 'Jer'. If Jeremy doesn't punch him, I will. And it will be with a knife. Eventually, Jeremy concedes. No punches are thrown. I miss Todd Wilkins.
Elizabeth begins a diary entry by asking, somewhat bafflingly, "How can identical twins...be sooooo different?" Are...are you serious, Elizabeth? Again with this? Why will you people not leave that subject alone! You're similar, and yet different! We fucking get it! Liz is annoyed that Jess wants to play car games and sing along to the radio. Yeah, Jessica, what's with all this 'fun' business? Just look out the window and memorise license plates.
Conner's diary entry. He calls Jeremy "Mr. Itinerary", and finally agrees with me that Vegas, even though it may be "Disneyland for adults", is also the place where sobriety goes to die. I'd also like to mention, just once, that these people are not adults. What are they planning to do in Vegas, anyway?
Maria and Ken are angsting. Great. Thanks a mil, Melissa. Ken says he doesn't believe that his dad paid for his scholarship, but inside, he's not so sure. Not because he thinks he's a bad player or anything -- he just doesn't trust his father not to stoop so low. How long has Ken Matthews had daddy issues? I guess since they moved Lila to tertiary character status, someone had to pick up the slack. He decides to confront Matthews Snr about the whole thing, then randomly thinks how wonderful and perfect Maria is. Ah, young love. It's all fun and games until the death-by-fridgeing.
Tia is talking to her hair. I'm not even kidding. She's threatening to pin it back unless it does what she wants. Hanging out with Halfway-To-Serial-Killer Conner McDermott is doing nothing for Tia's mental state. She eventually curls it and puts a butterfly clip in it. Hee, remember those? I used to lose masses of them at a time. I was convinced that one day I'd clean my room out and there'd be a hoard of them, making little butterfly clip babies in cocoons or something. But this really isn't about me, is it? Angel arrives, and Tia gets all jittery and excited again.
The Mancation has officially hit Vegas, baby! Woot! Conner thinks the whole thing looks and sounds fake. Way to be a downer, Conner. Evan's voice is "practically shaking with excitement." It seems nothing gets Evan's motor running quite like the promise of Elvis impersonators and Wayne Newton. They find a motel, and Evan's impressed that nobody questions their age. "Obviously they all looked old enough to be there on their own." I'll say -- did you see yourselves on the front cover?
Maria's diary entry. She bitches about quizzes in women's magazines and Melissa Fox. I don't know what one thing has to do with the other, really, but I guess since Maria's so smart I should just trust her. Also, I'm just going to go on a very small rant for a second and remind you all that this book is quite literally about a bunch of characters nobody cares about. At all. The Wakefields are the only people keeping this series together, and they're totally AWOL. Those dudes in Vegas had better get up to some serious shenanigans very soon.
Would you look at that -- the Vegas boys are drinking coffee at a diner. On a scale of one to shenanigans, that activity's about a one. Some woman named Laney starts talking to them, telling them that they can't spend just one night in Vegas. Actually, I'm going to bet (no pun intended) that you can if you're seventeen and determined to stay away from the drink. What else is there to do in Vegas except drink and gamble? She offers Evan a tour of the strip, and Evan goes off with her. Jeremy thinks it's weird that he left with a complete stranger, which sounds to me like an awful lot of judgement coming from Mr. Let's-Go-To-Tucson-With-A-Bunch-Of-Dudes-I-Don't-Know. Conner decides that going off by himself is still a better option than sitting around with Jeremy (whom he calls Mr. Itinerary twice more in this chapter), and pisses off, hilariously thinking, "No wonder Elizabeth's twin was dating him -- he was just as uptight as she was." Ooh, double burn! Sober Conner is kind-of win.
Tia and Angel are out on their date. Tia is in L-U-V. That's all you get from their plotline, because I hate them both.
Ken goes to the newspaper to talk to his dad, and instead finds Will. Is he back from San Francisco or something? Um...okay. I thought the whole going-to-San-Fran-with-the-lady-journo was going to be a plot point or something, but apparently not. Ken's like, "Your psycho moll of a girlfriend is going around telling lies about my ability to get scholarships," and Will's like, "Um, yeah, about that..." Ken realises that Melissa was truthin'. He gets angry, and this I have to mention: "he had to force himself to resist the urge to pound the water cooler as he passed it." Hee, that was almost a Kenpunch! And on an inanimate object, too!
Jeremy writes on a customer comment card at the Vegas diner. He seems to be angsting. Quite a bit, too. Take a big drink now.
Conner, a priest and a rabbi all walk into a bar. Ahahaha, I crack myself up. He's getting tempted to drink. (Conner, that is.) Now personally, I would think a good solution to this problem would be to walk out of the bar, but what would I know? Conner decides that one little drinkey-poo won't hurt him. Except that it will.
Evan and that random Laney woman are bungee-jumping. Again, Sweet Valley logic at work. They decide to go see a show. Oh now, come on! I was only kidding about the Wayne Newton thing before! Could this book get any stupider?
Jeremy is still angsting at the diner. Hello, Jeremy, and welcome to my stab list. I did warn you. He calls his mother and explains that Evan drove to Vegas while they were all asleep, and his mother's like, "What?! You let a strange boy drive your car and take you to Vegas? Wait 'til your father hears about this -- you're gonna get such a hiding." Now the sad fact about this is that I'm kidding. What Mrs. Aames actually says is, "That's great. You deserve a little fun." Because Ned and Alice are now teaching parenting classes over at the Sweet Valley community centre, and Jeremy's mother is their star pupil.
Conner shows a little self-control and turns down the barmaid's offer for a drink. She immediately recognises that he's got some sobriety issues. Apparently being a hot blonde female bartender means you have some sort of teen alcoholic detector. Which is strange, because I'm a hot blonde female bartender (if I do say so myself!) and apart from my regular customers, I wouldn't have a fucking clue who's an alco and who's not. They talk for a bit, and then Connor realises that he misses Alanna. Who? Oh yeah, his rehab lay. Right.
Ken writes a passive aggressive letter to his father. He feels sorry for his dad for having to put up with a failure of a son. He should also think about seeing a therapist sometime soon.
Tia and Angel's date is over. The movie sucked. They kiss. Tia's happy. Andy's dream of the Tent hookup seems all but shattered.
Evan and Laney talk about God knows what. You know, at the start of the book, I assumed that this whole road trip was a Breakfast Club-type scenario whereby these guys would be forced to bond with one another, but all they seem to be doing is hanging out with other people. I honestly don't understand the point of this entire storyline.
At the diner, the waitress hands Jeremy a message from Laney and Evan, telling him and Connor to go to some wedding chapel because they "need witnesses." Of course, because it's not a Vegas road trip story without an impromptu wedding. If we've learned anything from Friends and 90210, it ought to be that.
Laney and Evan are at the Elvis Chapel. Original. I think this is supposed to be suspenseful, but I couldn't care less, not even if Evan and Laney decided to enter into some sort of murder-suicide pact. I daresay that might make the book more interesting. Laney reveals that they're not getting married, but they're there to be a part of someone else's wedding. What. The. Fuck. Apparently Laney does this for shits and giggles. You know, Evan, I was just kidding about that murder-suicide thing before, but if you don't get out of there now, I fear that's how this beautiful friendship will end.
Ken actually sits in the dark, waiting for his father to come home. Seriously, Matthews. Therapy. Now. Ken accuses him of bribing the Hank dude, and Mr. Matthews explains by saying what I'm pretty sure I said at the start of this recap -- people do that kind of shit all the time. I knew Legally Blonde wouldn't lie to me. Ken's like, "That's not the point! It's dishonest," and Mr. Matthews could not give less of a shit what his disappointment of a son thinks. He just switches off the light and leaves Ken alone in the dark again. The way all good serial killers like it.
Jeremy gets to the Elvis Chapel (I just typo'd that as Evil Chapel -- eat that, Mr. Freud!) and barges through the doors just in time to stop the wedding...someone else's wedding, that is. Evan's like, "Um...you got Punk'd?" Heh. Jeremy? Not a happy camper. They hang around to bear witness to Ariel and Jimmy's holy union, though, because if a strange Vegas showgirl tells you it'll be fun to watch a very tall woman marry an almost-midget, then by hell, you'd better have fun! Jeremy suddenly realises just how absurd the whole situation is and starts laughing his ass off. So...it all worked out in the end? I don't know what message I'm supposed to be getting from all this. Aren't they the least bit concerned that Conner is wandering around all by himself? For all they know, he's at some strip club getting piss-ass drunk. Instead, Jeremy steals Elvis's scarf.
Evan and Jeremy meet up with Conner back at the hotel. They don't seem to care about what he's been up to in the slightest. These people should not be friends. Conner offers to organise a wake-up call so they can be on time tomorrow, and Jeremy's like, "We don't need no stinkin' wake-up call!" Well, hell. Jeremy is finally giving into the awesomeness of the Mancation, ten chapters too late.
Melissa writes an email to Will, telling him that Ken was asking questions about the U Mich scholarship and she had to tell him. She is so much more of a sociopath than Jessica ever was. It pains my soul to even type those words, but seriously. This girl should not be allowed out in public.
Trent (remember him?) emails Tia, wanting to get together with her. He knows nothing about the Angel stuff. It's kind-of sad.
More Tia and Angel. Joy. Angel mentions he's taken up boxing, which is kind-of hawt, if you're into that sort of thing. Tia, apparently, is not. She changes the subject and brings up prom, and Angel thinks she's getting a little ahead of herself. After all, he's just here for winter break. Tia gets all sad and whatever, and I can tell that angst will follow pretty shortly. I swear to God, if she goes running back to Trent, there will be stabbing.
Ken and Maria talk scholarships. Yawn. Ken was so much cooler back in junior year, when he was off punching Palisades kids and going blind and stuff.
Tia's in her room, being a sadsack. Her mother comes in to offer some friendly, non-judgemental support. Well done, Mrs. Ramirez. You stay far away from those Wakefield parents. They'll only bring you down. She does mention that Andy called to give Trent's phone number to her. Tia, DO NOT. I mean it. Aaaaand...she does. She motherfucking calls her fallback guy Trent and organises to meet him in fifteen minutes. Tia, sweetheart, I hate you. I'm a hundred per cent serious. If I ever saw you in real life, I would stab you.
Diary entry from Jeremy. He's over being angsty and is now happy that he let Evan drive them all to Vegas. He gave his mother the Elvis scarf. All is well in Jeremyland, so put down that tequila.
Diary entry from Evan. He is no longer bored or angsty. He wants to be more like Laney, who goes wherever the wind takes her and enjoys attending random Vegas midget weddings.
Diary entry from Conner. He's still angsting about Alanna the drunk girl we care even less about than him. Conner, seriously. Did you not understand what we were doing here? The Mancation was supposed to cure you of all your angst, and yet here you are, angsting away in your creepy handwriting. Mancation fail.
Diary entry from Elizabeth. Why? She wasn't even in this book! It seems she met up with her flaky cousin Becky who is no longer a flake. She concedes that even Jessica is less of a flake than this time last year. Which means that Elizabeth is the flakiest of them all, hanging out with rehab outpatients and whatnot. I'm thinking this diary entry must be a segue into the next book I'm definitely not going to read.
The end. Hooray for the Mancation, I guess.