SVU 39: Elizabeth [Heart] New York
Sweet Valley University #39: Elizabeth ♥ New York (Summer Break)
I think two things upon seeing this title (okay, three if you count “MUST HAVE!”). The first is that, as a denizen of New York, I can say for sure that New York does not, in fact, return the ♥s. I would go so far as to say that we [NO HEART] Elizabeth. But I will have to poll some other New Yorkers, any here want to chime in?
Poll NYC
Secondly, as written it says “Elizabeth [Love] New York” which has some subject-verb (if you can call a symbol a verb) agreement issues. Did the Sweet Valley editors endeavor to clear this up by putting a ♥s or multiple hearts ♥♥? No. They don’t care. Proof positive that Sweet Valley hates grammar!
Also? The cover. Is it me or is Liz frolicking in traffic? It’s getting my hopes up. There is a slim barricade straight down Times Square, but she’s throwing a hat into the air! In the Summer! That thing is going to get picked up by the wind and she’ll run after it and get smushed by at least eight separate cabs and then trampled by irritated New Yorkers who don’t want that dead tourist to get in the way of them getting across the street to the Starbucks. (“What’s the harm?” they think as they walk over her corpse. “She’s already dead. And you don’t want to block traffic in the busiest intersection in the world, do you? Plus if I don’t cross the street to get my Starbucks I’m absolutely going go mad and kill people.” I see their point.)
Why am I thinking about this so much? Why do you vex me so, Sweet Valley? Why?
Tom and Liz make out in Tom’s apartment. The joke here is that it’s not much of an apartment . Tom says, “I have other assets that’ll sweeten the deal.” And they banter about “assets” until Emily is screaming at the book (and it’s only page two; good sign or bad sign?) that they can’t joke about “assets” unless they mean “ass” as in getting some ass. And we all know Liz isn’t going to give up her V-Card to Tom, who may have earned it by leaping over pits for her or whatever, because Liz is going to go to England for stupid reasons and have sex with a random British aristocrat who nobody likes anyway (Seriously, second poll. We’ve got Todd fans. Jeffrey fans. Tom fans. Anyone a fan of the British dude who’s name I can’t recall? )
Of course after all this kissing, Liz is all, “Okay, put your penis in your pants so we can talk about how I live with my parents for the Summer. Doesn’t that suck?”
Liz apparently had a news internship lined up at Inside Scoop. But they called her last minute and said their “intern budget” was cut so now Liz is working at the local bookstore. Here’s the thing: most publishing industry internships don’t… pay anything. So what’s the budget? Before we had nothing for you! And now! We have even less! I think this is an elaborate ploy by the news agency to get out of having St. Liz meddling in their halls all Summer. Well played, Inside Scoop. If you were a real show, I’d watch you.
Tom has a surprise to cheer Liz up. He’s laid out a picnic on an “old lace tablecloth” (why does a college boy even have one of these, I ask?) Inside Liz finds a small, velvet box. The ghostwriter clearly has planned to make the teenaged Tom/Liz fans squirm because she cuts away at the instant Liz opens the box. But she makes the fatal mistake of having the next scene be Lila and Isabella shopping. Margo and William White could pop out of that velvet box and announce they were getting married and having psycho killer babies named Elizabeth Wakefield Sucks White and I wouldn’t care. LILA! IZZY! SHOPPING!
Oh and Jessica and Denise are there too. But here’s the point: Lila was hungry so she mocked the outfit of some woman and stole her table at a chic restaurant. She says, “When my blood sugar is low, the claws come out. I’m only human.” Hey, it happens. Jessica thinks Lila only talks about herself and needs to “get over herself.” Are you sure that’s not you, Jess?
Summer internship recap: Isabella is going to London to intern at young fashion designer’s office. Lila is going to Paris (I assume she is just going; Lila does not need to work). While Denise is going to the culinary institute in San Francisco. Jessica lies and says she is going to the Sweet Valley Police Academy for the Summer. … Don’t they expect you to become a cop after the Academy is over? Do they usually just let people go for the lulz?
No one thinks Jessica will make a good cop. Because they have met her. Then some punk steals Lila’s purse and Jessica runs after him. Like this is proof she is meant to be a cop? Lame.
Then we switch back to boring Liz and Tom. Inside the box is a “gold bangle” that is inscribed with Elizabeth, I love you forever. Tom. Ha! “Forever!” That’s funny. They make out.
Liz works at the bookstore and is mobbed. I’ve worked at two different bookstores. I want to empathize with her, but I cannot. She’s terrible at customer service. Then she gets a phone call from someone saying she won the “Miller Huttleby Fellowship.” Firstly, who the hell gives a fellowship their work number? Why didn’t they call Casa de Wakefield? Secondly, are you shitting me about that name? Miller Huttleby?
Speaking of Casa de Wakefield, Jessica is there. She gets rejected from the Sweet Valley police academy. And here I thought the SVPD had no brains at all!
Back at the bookstore, the man on the phone turns out to be Liz’s professor. He loved her one act play and entered her in the Miller Huttleby Fellowship. She didn’t even apply and she won. That’s how wonderful our St. Liz is.
Tom is at his internship. He thinks it’s the best job ever! Even the coffee (French roast) is the best ever! Tom needs to get out more.
Jessica mopes about not getting into the police academy by watching talk shows. She should call Steve Guttenberg. I hear he can get you in. Anyway, Liz calls to rub Jess’s nose in it see if a letter came for her from the Improbable Name Fellowship. It has. And some has another envelope for Jessica. Again, the ghostwriter cuts away after like half a page. Man, people must’ve had terrible attention spans in the 1990s.
Liz gets fired from her bookstore job, because of aforementioned great customer service. Liz is all, “You can’t fire me, I quit!” Whatever, Liz; you were fired. I love that she’s basically decided she is going to New York (in a week!) without telling anyone or doing any planning, or, you know, checking to make sure Improbable Name Fellowship is real. No wonder she’s such an easy target for crazy people.
Jessica’s letter is from one of “the nation’s foremost training facilities for private security professionals.” They include, in their brochure, a picture of a woman guarding a celebrity. It’ll only cost Jess $10 grand to go! Like her sister, without doing any further checking, Jessica decides this is for her. I know a Nigerian prince who would love these sisters (he just needs a million dollars so he can get his billion dollars!).
Liz and Tom go to the street fair (why is there always a street fair?) and eat funnel cake. Mmmm funnel cake. Anyway, this scene is kind of boring but Tom describes Liz as wearing a “man’s” white oxford shirt with two (TWO!) buttons undone. He is transfixed by her exposed collar. No, seriously, that’s what the book says. Tom is like Amish or something. He’s all, “Check out her ankles! They are exposed! How risqué!”
Liz tells Tom about going to New York. He asks annoying questions like, “Where will you live?” and Liz gets really pissed at him. Tom’s all, “Why don’t you just think about it for a day before you decide?” Liz and the ghostwriter are all, “Can you believe what a jerk he is?” and I’m all, “But wait, doesn’t he have a point, book?” No one cares what I think, I guess.
Another pig of a man, Ned, yells at Jessica for being so stupid as to do this FSSA (I forget what that stands for now, but it’s the private security training) thing. Apparently, the Wakefields do not want to make a 10g investment in Jessica’s future when they are already paying for college. Damn when did Ned decide to be a parent? Jessica thinks this is unfair. She then blabs to them about Liz going to New York and both Wakefields get (very briefly) angry with both their daughters for randomly deciding to fly across the country that day. But don’t you worry, that parenting urge dies away soon enough!
Both Liz and Jess are to be at the airport on Sunday!
Alice calls her friend Tish-no I did not spell her name wrong, it’s Tish not Trish-and Tish immediately allows Liz to stay in her apartment. Alice, I shit you not, asks Tish, “How many sweaters do you think she’ll need?” In New York in the summer, Alice? That’s really your main concern?
Faced with mounting evidence that he will be without his beloved St. Liz for two whole months, Tom does something that makes me disgusted with him. He quits the “best job ever” so he can fly to New York with her. Oh, Tom Watts, no. You are so going to regret this when she’s off banging English dudes and you’re back in Sweet Valley crying into your French Roast.
Alice has already asked Tish if Tom can stay with her too. She tells Liz she knew this was going to happen. Then why didn’t you stop him from throwing his life away, Alice, why? Also, what kind of mother wants her daughter to room with her college boyfriend when they are hundreds of miles away from said mother?
Finally, the kids head to the airport. Finally! This recap is five pages long and Liz hasn’t even been in New York to ♥ it yet.
On the plane, Liz checks Tom out. She’s “glad” Tish will be there to chaperone them because she doesn’t want to do something she’d regret. I love this about Sweet Valley. Wasting thousands of dollars on becoming a bodyguard/playwright is not something you’d regret. Spiking your sister’s punch with magic vodka isn’t either. But sex with your long-time boyfriend when you are both consenting adults? ZOMG NO!
Also, this isn’t really relevant except it’s an example of Liz being a dick. Tom had purchased a coach ticket and Liz was all “You don’t want to sit with me? *puppy face*” because the fellowship gave her a first class ticket. Then Tom, who I will remind you just quit his summer job, had to pony up more money to sit in first class with her. And she’s not going to have sex with him. I’m trying to be all feminist about this and say, “You don’t owe him anything, Liz!” but... seriously? She kinda does owe him at least a flash of boobies or something.
On her plane to Florida, Jessica meets a hot guy who just happens to be going to FSSA too. His name is Harlan Edwards. (They’re running out of first names.) He apparently had a job as a bodyguard to some celebrity. This is supposed to impress us (and it sure impresses Jessica) but it makes me wonder why he gave up a paying job to go to FSSA where he could learn… to do the job he was already paid for? Either this guy is lying or he’s a complete fucktard. I’m gonna go with fucktard for now.
Liz and Tom arrive in New York. Finally I can get to the business of making fun of Sweet Valley’s version of my city. In the airport, there are a lot of people who jostle Liz and speak to her rudely in funny accents. Okay, so far that’s pretty accurate. They hop a cab to New York (haha. If Tom couldn’t pay for first class tickets, wait until he sees what the cab ride is) and the cab driver actually speaks to them. In English! This doesn’t ring true to me. I’m convinced all NYC cabbies are actually named “John Smith” and speak perfect English, but pretend to be immigrants so they don’t have to put up with tourists’ questions. It’s what I’d do.
Liz is horrified by how recklessly the cabbie drives. While it is true that everyone in New York drives like a maniac (it’s why god invented subways), I still scoff. I bet Liz drives like a 90 year old lady. If she didn’t want a crazy driver, she shouldn’t have taken a cab! Near death is half the fun of a cab ride.
They are dropped off at Tish’s apartment. Tish is dressed wackily and talks about their “auras.” Because New Yorkers are all eccentric, you see. She’s an aromatherapist (and no, I have no idea how she has a nice apartment in Manhattan if that is indeed her job. I bet she sells drugs on the side). Tish is surprised to learn that Liz and Tom will not be sharing a room. I wonder if Alice told Tish to try to get her uptight daughter laid?
Tish is a hippie. She actually says she believes in “free love.” Apparently things are different on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, because in my neighborhood we beat up hippies. Tish thinks Liz should just give it up to Tom. For once the hippie lady and I are agreed on something.
Jessica arrives at FSSA. Turns out it is nowhere near Miami (Florida is apparently a big state, who knew?) and it’s more like boot camp than an action film. I know. You’re shocked, right? Jessica immediately incurs the wrath of Sergeant Pruitt, who is a walking, talking lesbian stereotype.
Liz and Tom go on a “romantic” trip to the Empire State Building. I personally do not find the Empire State Building romantic at all. You have to wait in line forever to ride up the elevator, and then when you get to the observation deck, it’s crammed with people shoving you out of the way to get a better view. I mean, I love the Empire State Building, but I believe Sleepless in Seattle has steered us wrong on the romance angle. I did see a couple get engaged there once, though.
Tom and Liz discuss the sex situation. Tom kinda wants to have it. But he doesn’t want to push Liz. She leads him on and makes him think maybe she will have sex with him, even though we know she’s not going to give it up. Because Liz is a tease. And she’s evil. Lest you think I am being too hard on Liz, is like two pages she will say to Tom, “I’m… ready. Tonight.” So she's not giving him mixed signals. She's giving him go signals and then laughing at him and saying "psyche!" when he tries to go for it.
But on the cab ride home, Liz “accidentally” bites Tom’s lip, drawing blood. She blames the potholes and crazy driving. I have my suspicions. Tish is overly concerned about Tom’s boo-boo, and there goes the moment. Tom says they will have other chances. Little does he know that she’ll think of a way to ruin all his chances!
While in her bunk at night, Jessica is startled by a noise. Pruitt laughs at her and says it’s just the alligators. Oh right. It’s just the large lizards that might eat you, roaming unchecked around the campus. This strikes me as poor security for a place that is teaching people to be… security. The next morning, Jessica is horrified to learn that she is expected to compete in an obstacle course. I learned everything I know about police/military training from movies and even I knew there’d be an obstacle course.
Pruitt makes fun of Jessica for having sunscreen. She calls it a “beauty product.” A) Sunscreen is a necessity if you’re going to be outside all day. B) Since when does Jessica Wakefield wear sunscreen? The Jessica I know scoffs in the face of melanoma.
Pruitt makes Jessica and her partner-named Sunshine-go first. They have to wade through mud and stuff. They are accosted by a large snake, and Jessica scares it away by lighting her hairspray on fire. Ghostwriter totally stole that bit from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the movie. Her keen fashion sense will save her. Snakes of the world beware.
After the mud, they have to drive a large truck (?) to the finish line. Jessica can’t get the truck to start, when she finds her tube of sunscreen (which Pruitt had taken from her) on the floor she knows that the Sergeant has tampered with it. Luckily, Sunshine is apparently an ex-con because she hot wires the truck and they’re off.
Jess and Sunshine come in second to Harlan and his partner. (I thought they had to go first? How is it a race then?) Pruitt gives Jessica “KP” duty because she is not allowed to “fraternize” with Harlan. What? Does he have cooties? The upside of this chore, is that Sunshine and her two friends are made to do it with Jessica. So Jessica bonds with them. Shrug.
In Liz’s POV, she whines about how hot it is in NYC over the Summer. I bet she’s glad Alice made her take those sweaters. She gets to the theater and is immediately hit on by a guy. He thinks she’s an actress there to read for a part but she tells him she’s a writer and he’s all impressed. He wouldn’t be if he read this community at all.
The Liz is introduced to the two other playwrights who “won” the fellowship. One is goth girl Claire and the other is bored, goatee guy Gerald. They both sneer at Elizabeth. We’re supposed to think they are rude, but, hey, that’s what I would do.
The three of them read their plays aloud for the dramaturge, Ted. Liz hates both their plays. When Liz gets up to read… Wait! I forgot to tell you! Liz’s play is about two college news reporters in love. I know, right? Wherever does she come up with these original ideas? I mean, I kind of wished it was about a seashell she found once on the beach that was broken, but we can’t have it all, can we? Anyway, Liz reads hers and they laugh at her--even Ted! Horror! What is wrong with these people that they are not immediately blown away by the Elizabeth Wakefield genius? SOBSOB!
Ted gives her notes on her play. Liz takes them all personally-after all, much of the play was taken directly from her interactions with Tom. So when he says her characters are “holding back emotion” Liz is like, “Does that mean Tom and I should break up?” She looks up from her script only to realize she got on the wrong train and is now in Brooklyn. Horror! Brooklyn! They stab random white people in the face there, right?
Tom managed to get an interview for a job, but he does not get it. He wanders around the city feeling sorry for himself. Honestly, he should’ve thought about this before he left California to go not have sex with his GF. He decides to go to all the news networks and see if any of them are hiring. Surprise! That doesn’t work out.
He goes back to the apartment all depressed with himself. Then the phone rings. It’s Liz. She is in Coney Island, crying. Instead of saying, “Bitch, just get back on the train going the other way,” Tom says he’ll come get her. I guess that’s nice, but it seems like a waste of time and money to me. Speaking of money, it costs him $60 which actually sounds low to me. And this guy doesn’t have a job. But does Liz sleep with him? No. She lies and says she has to work on her play.
The next day, Tom ends up helping Tish with her aromatherapy while Liz has auditions for her play. The hot actor guy who hit on her the previous day is cast in Claire’s play. When Gerard makes Liz cry, he runs after her. Turns out he is Vince Somethingorother, a famous movie star. Why he is working in a college production is beyond me. Why he is clearly hitting on Liz is also beyond me.
Ted has a brilliant idea. He casts some famous actress in the Phoebe (aka Liz) part of Liz’s play. Liz is unhappy because she is not what she envisioned or whatever. The actress, Hildy, plays PhoebeLiz like she is delicate and prone to hysterics. Liz insists that PhoebeLiz is a strong, independent woman, which would be more believable if she didn’t call her boyfriend sobbing because she got lost the previous day. Sounds to me like Hildy nailed it, y’all.
When Liz arrives home from her bad day, Tom gives her a backrub and suggests they “adjourn to the bedroom.” (Hah. He actually says that. How lame.) She snaps at him and asks if that is all he ever thinks about? Liz, he’s a college guy. Of course it is. They fight and he storms out. Annoyingly, as he leaves Liz thinks that she was right not to sleep with them, since their relationship isn’t very solid. St. Liz always has to be right.
Tom goes out to a bar and gets drunk. He has a moment of realization when he sees a guy named Rocco try to get a woman drunk in order to get in her pants. He does not like it when men force women into sex! But wait! Isn’t that what he just tried to do to Liz? He goes back to the apartment and apologizes to her (through the door, because she won’t let him in). I guess he kinda should’ve apologized for the fight. But I’d have been like, “Okay, bitch, you don’t have to sleep with me but you can’t treat me like shit anymore. Not jerk me around. If you don’t want to have sex, just say so and quit lying to me.”
But that’s not how it happens. They apologize and cry and kiss. Then they end up falling asleep in each other’s arms. Get it? They’re sleeping together but they’re not sleeping together? Oh, ghostwriter, you are so profound.
Jessica gets into more trouble with Pruitt. First she has to run laps. Seriously. It’s like football practice or something. Then she is given overnight guard duty. It’s all actually kind of repetitive, so I have skipped recapping most of it. One day, Pruitt overhears Jessica talking shit about her and challenges her to a boxing match. Jessica accepts… not knowing that Pruitt is apparently a great boxer. But could Jessica beat anyone at boxing, I ask? To find out what happens, you have to read the next book.
The next day, at rehearsal, Ted and Hildy suggest that PhoebeLiz do a dance in the first scene. Liz is like, “Um, no that’s stupid.” And then Ted says, I shit you not, “Congratulations.” Apparently he had been making all these weird suggestions because he wanted her to stand up for herself? What? WHAT? Oh that’s the stupidest thing I have ever read, and I have read some stupid things in these books.
Then Liz finds out that Claire has decided that all the actors in her play with be randomly NAKED. And Liz clutches her pearls. NOT NEKKIDNESS! Please! Anything but that!
And, my favorite cliffhanger ending. Tom wakes up from his night with Liz and goes to shower. When he pulls down his pants he realizes he has a rash on his legs. Hahah, I think. Liz gave him VD through her clothes. I knew all that cheating cheater-ness would catch up with her eventually! Oh, Tom, you can’t win, can you?
Thankfully, the next book in this series is already recapped. So you can go find out what happens in Private Jessica.
I think two things upon seeing this title (okay, three if you count “MUST HAVE!”). The first is that, as a denizen of New York, I can say for sure that New York does not, in fact, return the ♥s. I would go so far as to say that we [NO HEART] Elizabeth. But I will have to poll some other New Yorkers, any here want to chime in?
Poll NYC
Secondly, as written it says “Elizabeth [Love] New York” which has some subject-verb (if you can call a symbol a verb) agreement issues. Did the Sweet Valley editors endeavor to clear this up by putting a ♥s or multiple hearts ♥♥? No. They don’t care. Proof positive that Sweet Valley hates grammar!
Also? The cover. Is it me or is Liz frolicking in traffic? It’s getting my hopes up. There is a slim barricade straight down Times Square, but she’s throwing a hat into the air! In the Summer! That thing is going to get picked up by the wind and she’ll run after it and get smushed by at least eight separate cabs and then trampled by irritated New Yorkers who don’t want that dead tourist to get in the way of them getting across the street to the Starbucks. (“What’s the harm?” they think as they walk over her corpse. “She’s already dead. And you don’t want to block traffic in the busiest intersection in the world, do you? Plus if I don’t cross the street to get my Starbucks I’m absolutely going go mad and kill people.” I see their point.)
Why am I thinking about this so much? Why do you vex me so, Sweet Valley? Why?
Tom and Liz make out in Tom’s apartment. The joke here is that it’s not much of an apartment . Tom says, “I have other assets that’ll sweeten the deal.” And they banter about “assets” until Emily is screaming at the book (and it’s only page two; good sign or bad sign?) that they can’t joke about “assets” unless they mean “ass” as in getting some ass. And we all know Liz isn’t going to give up her V-Card to Tom, who may have earned it by leaping over pits for her or whatever, because Liz is going to go to England for stupid reasons and have sex with a random British aristocrat who nobody likes anyway (Seriously, second poll. We’ve got Todd fans. Jeffrey fans. Tom fans. Anyone a fan of the British dude who’s name I can’t recall? )
Of course after all this kissing, Liz is all, “Okay, put your penis in your pants so we can talk about how I live with my parents for the Summer. Doesn’t that suck?”
Liz apparently had a news internship lined up at Inside Scoop. But they called her last minute and said their “intern budget” was cut so now Liz is working at the local bookstore. Here’s the thing: most publishing industry internships don’t… pay anything. So what’s the budget? Before we had nothing for you! And now! We have even less! I think this is an elaborate ploy by the news agency to get out of having St. Liz meddling in their halls all Summer. Well played, Inside Scoop. If you were a real show, I’d watch you.
Tom has a surprise to cheer Liz up. He’s laid out a picnic on an “old lace tablecloth” (why does a college boy even have one of these, I ask?) Inside Liz finds a small, velvet box. The ghostwriter clearly has planned to make the teenaged Tom/Liz fans squirm because she cuts away at the instant Liz opens the box. But she makes the fatal mistake of having the next scene be Lila and Isabella shopping. Margo and William White could pop out of that velvet box and announce they were getting married and having psycho killer babies named Elizabeth Wakefield Sucks White and I wouldn’t care. LILA! IZZY! SHOPPING!
Oh and Jessica and Denise are there too. But here’s the point: Lila was hungry so she mocked the outfit of some woman and stole her table at a chic restaurant. She says, “When my blood sugar is low, the claws come out. I’m only human.” Hey, it happens. Jessica thinks Lila only talks about herself and needs to “get over herself.” Are you sure that’s not you, Jess?
Summer internship recap: Isabella is going to London to intern at young fashion designer’s office. Lila is going to Paris (I assume she is just going; Lila does not need to work). While Denise is going to the culinary institute in San Francisco. Jessica lies and says she is going to the Sweet Valley Police Academy for the Summer. … Don’t they expect you to become a cop after the Academy is over? Do they usually just let people go for the lulz?
No one thinks Jessica will make a good cop. Because they have met her. Then some punk steals Lila’s purse and Jessica runs after him. Like this is proof she is meant to be a cop? Lame.
Then we switch back to boring Liz and Tom. Inside the box is a “gold bangle” that is inscribed with Elizabeth, I love you forever. Tom. Ha! “Forever!” That’s funny. They make out.
Liz works at the bookstore and is mobbed. I’ve worked at two different bookstores. I want to empathize with her, but I cannot. She’s terrible at customer service. Then she gets a phone call from someone saying she won the “Miller Huttleby Fellowship.” Firstly, who the hell gives a fellowship their work number? Why didn’t they call Casa de Wakefield? Secondly, are you shitting me about that name? Miller Huttleby?
Speaking of Casa de Wakefield, Jessica is there. She gets rejected from the Sweet Valley police academy. And here I thought the SVPD had no brains at all!
Back at the bookstore, the man on the phone turns out to be Liz’s professor. He loved her one act play and entered her in the Miller Huttleby Fellowship. She didn’t even apply and she won. That’s how wonderful our St. Liz is.
Tom is at his internship. He thinks it’s the best job ever! Even the coffee (French roast) is the best ever! Tom needs to get out more.
Jessica mopes about not getting into the police academy by watching talk shows. She should call Steve Guttenberg. I hear he can get you in. Anyway, Liz calls to rub Jess’s nose in it see if a letter came for her from the Improbable Name Fellowship. It has. And some has another envelope for Jessica. Again, the ghostwriter cuts away after like half a page. Man, people must’ve had terrible attention spans in the 1990s.
Liz gets fired from her bookstore job, because of aforementioned great customer service. Liz is all, “You can’t fire me, I quit!” Whatever, Liz; you were fired. I love that she’s basically decided she is going to New York (in a week!) without telling anyone or doing any planning, or, you know, checking to make sure Improbable Name Fellowship is real. No wonder she’s such an easy target for crazy people.
Jessica’s letter is from one of “the nation’s foremost training facilities for private security professionals.” They include, in their brochure, a picture of a woman guarding a celebrity. It’ll only cost Jess $10 grand to go! Like her sister, without doing any further checking, Jessica decides this is for her. I know a Nigerian prince who would love these sisters (he just needs a million dollars so he can get his billion dollars!).
Liz and Tom go to the street fair (why is there always a street fair?) and eat funnel cake. Mmmm funnel cake. Anyway, this scene is kind of boring but Tom describes Liz as wearing a “man’s” white oxford shirt with two (TWO!) buttons undone. He is transfixed by her exposed collar. No, seriously, that’s what the book says. Tom is like Amish or something. He’s all, “Check out her ankles! They are exposed! How risqué!”
Liz tells Tom about going to New York. He asks annoying questions like, “Where will you live?” and Liz gets really pissed at him. Tom’s all, “Why don’t you just think about it for a day before you decide?” Liz and the ghostwriter are all, “Can you believe what a jerk he is?” and I’m all, “But wait, doesn’t he have a point, book?” No one cares what I think, I guess.
Another pig of a man, Ned, yells at Jessica for being so stupid as to do this FSSA (I forget what that stands for now, but it’s the private security training) thing. Apparently, the Wakefields do not want to make a 10g investment in Jessica’s future when they are already paying for college. Damn when did Ned decide to be a parent? Jessica thinks this is unfair. She then blabs to them about Liz going to New York and both Wakefields get (very briefly) angry with both their daughters for randomly deciding to fly across the country that day. But don’t you worry, that parenting urge dies away soon enough!
Both Liz and Jess are to be at the airport on Sunday!
Alice calls her friend Tish-no I did not spell her name wrong, it’s Tish not Trish-and Tish immediately allows Liz to stay in her apartment. Alice, I shit you not, asks Tish, “How many sweaters do you think she’ll need?” In New York in the summer, Alice? That’s really your main concern?
Faced with mounting evidence that he will be without his beloved St. Liz for two whole months, Tom does something that makes me disgusted with him. He quits the “best job ever” so he can fly to New York with her. Oh, Tom Watts, no. You are so going to regret this when she’s off banging English dudes and you’re back in Sweet Valley crying into your French Roast.
Alice has already asked Tish if Tom can stay with her too. She tells Liz she knew this was going to happen. Then why didn’t you stop him from throwing his life away, Alice, why? Also, what kind of mother wants her daughter to room with her college boyfriend when they are hundreds of miles away from said mother?
Finally, the kids head to the airport. Finally! This recap is five pages long and Liz hasn’t even been in New York to ♥ it yet.
On the plane, Liz checks Tom out. She’s “glad” Tish will be there to chaperone them because she doesn’t want to do something she’d regret. I love this about Sweet Valley. Wasting thousands of dollars on becoming a bodyguard/playwright is not something you’d regret. Spiking your sister’s punch with magic vodka isn’t either. But sex with your long-time boyfriend when you are both consenting adults? ZOMG NO!
Also, this isn’t really relevant except it’s an example of Liz being a dick. Tom had purchased a coach ticket and Liz was all “You don’t want to sit with me? *puppy face*” because the fellowship gave her a first class ticket. Then Tom, who I will remind you just quit his summer job, had to pony up more money to sit in first class with her. And she’s not going to have sex with him. I’m trying to be all feminist about this and say, “You don’t owe him anything, Liz!” but... seriously? She kinda does owe him at least a flash of boobies or something.
On her plane to Florida, Jessica meets a hot guy who just happens to be going to FSSA too. His name is Harlan Edwards. (They’re running out of first names.) He apparently had a job as a bodyguard to some celebrity. This is supposed to impress us (and it sure impresses Jessica) but it makes me wonder why he gave up a paying job to go to FSSA where he could learn… to do the job he was already paid for? Either this guy is lying or he’s a complete fucktard. I’m gonna go with fucktard for now.
Liz and Tom arrive in New York. Finally I can get to the business of making fun of Sweet Valley’s version of my city. In the airport, there are a lot of people who jostle Liz and speak to her rudely in funny accents. Okay, so far that’s pretty accurate. They hop a cab to New York (haha. If Tom couldn’t pay for first class tickets, wait until he sees what the cab ride is) and the cab driver actually speaks to them. In English! This doesn’t ring true to me. I’m convinced all NYC cabbies are actually named “John Smith” and speak perfect English, but pretend to be immigrants so they don’t have to put up with tourists’ questions. It’s what I’d do.
Liz is horrified by how recklessly the cabbie drives. While it is true that everyone in New York drives like a maniac (it’s why god invented subways), I still scoff. I bet Liz drives like a 90 year old lady. If she didn’t want a crazy driver, she shouldn’t have taken a cab! Near death is half the fun of a cab ride.
They are dropped off at Tish’s apartment. Tish is dressed wackily and talks about their “auras.” Because New Yorkers are all eccentric, you see. She’s an aromatherapist (and no, I have no idea how she has a nice apartment in Manhattan if that is indeed her job. I bet she sells drugs on the side). Tish is surprised to learn that Liz and Tom will not be sharing a room. I wonder if Alice told Tish to try to get her uptight daughter laid?
Tish is a hippie. She actually says she believes in “free love.” Apparently things are different on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, because in my neighborhood we beat up hippies. Tish thinks Liz should just give it up to Tom. For once the hippie lady and I are agreed on something.
Jessica arrives at FSSA. Turns out it is nowhere near Miami (Florida is apparently a big state, who knew?) and it’s more like boot camp than an action film. I know. You’re shocked, right? Jessica immediately incurs the wrath of Sergeant Pruitt, who is a walking, talking lesbian stereotype.
Liz and Tom go on a “romantic” trip to the Empire State Building. I personally do not find the Empire State Building romantic at all. You have to wait in line forever to ride up the elevator, and then when you get to the observation deck, it’s crammed with people shoving you out of the way to get a better view. I mean, I love the Empire State Building, but I believe Sleepless in Seattle has steered us wrong on the romance angle. I did see a couple get engaged there once, though.
Tom and Liz discuss the sex situation. Tom kinda wants to have it. But he doesn’t want to push Liz. She leads him on and makes him think maybe she will have sex with him, even though we know she’s not going to give it up. Because Liz is a tease. And she’s evil. Lest you think I am being too hard on Liz, is like two pages she will say to Tom, “I’m… ready. Tonight.” So she's not giving him mixed signals. She's giving him go signals and then laughing at him and saying "psyche!" when he tries to go for it.
But on the cab ride home, Liz “accidentally” bites Tom’s lip, drawing blood. She blames the potholes and crazy driving. I have my suspicions. Tish is overly concerned about Tom’s boo-boo, and there goes the moment. Tom says they will have other chances. Little does he know that she’ll think of a way to ruin all his chances!
While in her bunk at night, Jessica is startled by a noise. Pruitt laughs at her and says it’s just the alligators. Oh right. It’s just the large lizards that might eat you, roaming unchecked around the campus. This strikes me as poor security for a place that is teaching people to be… security. The next morning, Jessica is horrified to learn that she is expected to compete in an obstacle course. I learned everything I know about police/military training from movies and even I knew there’d be an obstacle course.
Pruitt makes fun of Jessica for having sunscreen. She calls it a “beauty product.” A) Sunscreen is a necessity if you’re going to be outside all day. B) Since when does Jessica Wakefield wear sunscreen? The Jessica I know scoffs in the face of melanoma.
Pruitt makes Jessica and her partner-named Sunshine-go first. They have to wade through mud and stuff. They are accosted by a large snake, and Jessica scares it away by lighting her hairspray on fire. Ghostwriter totally stole that bit from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the movie. Her keen fashion sense will save her. Snakes of the world beware.
After the mud, they have to drive a large truck (?) to the finish line. Jessica can’t get the truck to start, when she finds her tube of sunscreen (which Pruitt had taken from her) on the floor she knows that the Sergeant has tampered with it. Luckily, Sunshine is apparently an ex-con because she hot wires the truck and they’re off.
Jess and Sunshine come in second to Harlan and his partner. (I thought they had to go first? How is it a race then?) Pruitt gives Jessica “KP” duty because she is not allowed to “fraternize” with Harlan. What? Does he have cooties? The upside of this chore, is that Sunshine and her two friends are made to do it with Jessica. So Jessica bonds with them. Shrug.
In Liz’s POV, she whines about how hot it is in NYC over the Summer. I bet she’s glad Alice made her take those sweaters. She gets to the theater and is immediately hit on by a guy. He thinks she’s an actress there to read for a part but she tells him she’s a writer and he’s all impressed. He wouldn’t be if he read this community at all.
The Liz is introduced to the two other playwrights who “won” the fellowship. One is goth girl Claire and the other is bored, goatee guy Gerald. They both sneer at Elizabeth. We’re supposed to think they are rude, but, hey, that’s what I would do.
The three of them read their plays aloud for the dramaturge, Ted. Liz hates both their plays. When Liz gets up to read… Wait! I forgot to tell you! Liz’s play is about two college news reporters in love. I know, right? Wherever does she come up with these original ideas? I mean, I kind of wished it was about a seashell she found once on the beach that was broken, but we can’t have it all, can we? Anyway, Liz reads hers and they laugh at her--even Ted! Horror! What is wrong with these people that they are not immediately blown away by the Elizabeth Wakefield genius? SOBSOB!
Ted gives her notes on her play. Liz takes them all personally-after all, much of the play was taken directly from her interactions with Tom. So when he says her characters are “holding back emotion” Liz is like, “Does that mean Tom and I should break up?” She looks up from her script only to realize she got on the wrong train and is now in Brooklyn. Horror! Brooklyn! They stab random white people in the face there, right?
Tom managed to get an interview for a job, but he does not get it. He wanders around the city feeling sorry for himself. Honestly, he should’ve thought about this before he left California to go not have sex with his GF. He decides to go to all the news networks and see if any of them are hiring. Surprise! That doesn’t work out.
He goes back to the apartment all depressed with himself. Then the phone rings. It’s Liz. She is in Coney Island, crying. Instead of saying, “Bitch, just get back on the train going the other way,” Tom says he’ll come get her. I guess that’s nice, but it seems like a waste of time and money to me. Speaking of money, it costs him $60 which actually sounds low to me. And this guy doesn’t have a job. But does Liz sleep with him? No. She lies and says she has to work on her play.
The next day, Tom ends up helping Tish with her aromatherapy while Liz has auditions for her play. The hot actor guy who hit on her the previous day is cast in Claire’s play. When Gerard makes Liz cry, he runs after her. Turns out he is Vince Somethingorother, a famous movie star. Why he is working in a college production is beyond me. Why he is clearly hitting on Liz is also beyond me.
Ted has a brilliant idea. He casts some famous actress in the Phoebe (aka Liz) part of Liz’s play. Liz is unhappy because she is not what she envisioned or whatever. The actress, Hildy, plays PhoebeLiz like she is delicate and prone to hysterics. Liz insists that PhoebeLiz is a strong, independent woman, which would be more believable if she didn’t call her boyfriend sobbing because she got lost the previous day. Sounds to me like Hildy nailed it, y’all.
When Liz arrives home from her bad day, Tom gives her a backrub and suggests they “adjourn to the bedroom.” (Hah. He actually says that. How lame.) She snaps at him and asks if that is all he ever thinks about? Liz, he’s a college guy. Of course it is. They fight and he storms out. Annoyingly, as he leaves Liz thinks that she was right not to sleep with them, since their relationship isn’t very solid. St. Liz always has to be right.
Tom goes out to a bar and gets drunk. He has a moment of realization when he sees a guy named Rocco try to get a woman drunk in order to get in her pants. He does not like it when men force women into sex! But wait! Isn’t that what he just tried to do to Liz? He goes back to the apartment and apologizes to her (through the door, because she won’t let him in). I guess he kinda should’ve apologized for the fight. But I’d have been like, “Okay, bitch, you don’t have to sleep with me but you can’t treat me like shit anymore. Not jerk me around. If you don’t want to have sex, just say so and quit lying to me.”
But that’s not how it happens. They apologize and cry and kiss. Then they end up falling asleep in each other’s arms. Get it? They’re sleeping together but they’re not sleeping together? Oh, ghostwriter, you are so profound.
Jessica gets into more trouble with Pruitt. First she has to run laps. Seriously. It’s like football practice or something. Then she is given overnight guard duty. It’s all actually kind of repetitive, so I have skipped recapping most of it. One day, Pruitt overhears Jessica talking shit about her and challenges her to a boxing match. Jessica accepts… not knowing that Pruitt is apparently a great boxer. But could Jessica beat anyone at boxing, I ask? To find out what happens, you have to read the next book.
The next day, at rehearsal, Ted and Hildy suggest that PhoebeLiz do a dance in the first scene. Liz is like, “Um, no that’s stupid.” And then Ted says, I shit you not, “Congratulations.” Apparently he had been making all these weird suggestions because he wanted her to stand up for herself? What? WHAT? Oh that’s the stupidest thing I have ever read, and I have read some stupid things in these books.
Then Liz finds out that Claire has decided that all the actors in her play with be randomly NAKED. And Liz clutches her pearls. NOT NEKKIDNESS! Please! Anything but that!
And, my favorite cliffhanger ending. Tom wakes up from his night with Liz and goes to shower. When he pulls down his pants he realizes he has a rash on his legs. Hahah, I think. Liz gave him VD through her clothes. I knew all that cheating cheater-ness would catch up with her eventually! Oh, Tom, you can’t win, can you?
Thankfully, the next book in this series is already recapped. So you can go find out what happens in Private Jessica.