SVH #4 Power Play
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I know, I know, not another Power Play recap. I’m sorry. I know it’s been done and has been done really freaking well, but I remembered this one like it was yesterday (and not for the right reasons) and felt compelled. Apologies in advance if I unintentionally rip someone off. I’ve read all the PP recaps….and after all, isn’t plagiarism the most sincere form of flattery? (ask Ken Matthews)
Before I get to the recap, I had to mention this real quick…..OMG Stephenneenie (or however the hell she spells her first name) Meyer is Francine Pascal’s “soul mate” to use the parlance. My mom(!?), of all people recommended Twilight and I am a poor bitch who won’t spend money on comedy reads (although the rec was a serious one, sadly. Oh wait, I spent money on my stockpile of SVH books….okay, I won‘t spend money on comedy reads that hold no nostalgic value.) and the line for that shit at the library was beyond retarded, so instead I read the free Edward perspective 11 chapter twilight retelling on Meyer’s website. ( I would link to it, but it is really bad. I’m saving you from yourself, honestly.)
Francine would be totally creaming herself over Edward. Seriously, he’s overprotective, a creepy stalker, violent, a 108 year old virgin, is Wakefield-like in his excruciating beauty, is a great athlete, even by vampire (hahahahah I accidentally typed vampire as campire..which is oddly appropriate) standards , etc.
Sorry, I had to mention it because the entire time I was reading, I was picturing Francine in my head, nodding her approval and talking about what a nice boy Edward was. Oh, Edward, the way you watch Bella sleep every night is so romantic…..and not really fucking creepy and disturbing, especially the part where you oil the creaky window like some serial rapist. That really got me wet. Okay. Francine would never say “wet”…how about The way you oiled her window so it wouldn’t make noise when you stalked…I mean snuck into Bella’s room every single night to watch her sleep made me want to rest in the assuring embrace of your muscled arms for the rest of eternity.
Hooooooly shit. Did I just write Edward/Francine Pascal fan fiction? Thank you all for sharing with me the lowest point in my life.
(sorry to whomever I’ve offended. The writing isn’t completely without charm. It’s better than the average SVH book, for reals.)
So after that long ass digression, we shall get to the recapping
OH! Wait one more thing about the vampires. The worst thing of all was that it had the audacity to be fairly cool right in the beginning. That book has no right. I seriously find that to be like, morally offensive. You have violated my ethics, Seffphaeneenie Meyer. Be warned.
Okay, so recap:
So, this comes after Jessica spends a book being Bruce Patman’s slave until she realizes he’s an ass and chooses herself (I just made that last part up, I don’t really remember what happened, except that Bruce tried to get Jessica give up some titty in the middle of a party, which is just colossally stupid of him and that Liz spends pretty much the whole book spying on Jess and Bruce making out (kinky) and then her and Todd gossiping about Jess and Bruce (again kinky). I remember thinking that if I had ever thought these books to be capable of subtext, this was it. (I read this and had it recapped and can’t find either of them, book or recap which blows)
Hahahahahahhahaa…..subtext. SVH. Heeeeeeeeeeeee
So the first couple of pages are about how Jessica held a knife to Elizabeth’s throat and forced her to become a Pi Beta but she just doesn’t have time for it because she writes a gossip column for the school paper. I really resent that. I spend more time on these recaps than Liz has ever spent on that damn column. And it’s not like I’m getting school credit for it, either. Or invitations to write for the local paper, or scholarships, boys, trips, television appearances, a book deal, an ambassadorship to Bolivia and internships (I basically made all those up, except the first one and the last. And I will be completely unsurprised when they are all right). So basically, shut it, Liz, no one forced you to do shit and those girls don’t even like you or want you around anyway, so everyone wins.
It does take until page three to mention how fat Robin is, which, like, I thought would be on page one, so there was a little mild surprise there.
So right away Mrs. Wilson, Robin’s mom starts crying (no, literally crying) all Have you seen my daughter? She’s a land whale! She’s desperately unhappy because she’s fat and if you don’t intervene and get her into your crappy sorority, she’s going to drop out and become a prostitute drug addict!
You know the situation is bad when Liz is hesitant to grab a ripe opportunity to meddle.
So, then Jessica comes home all late and shit and Liz is like Hey bitch, you were supposed to help me clean and Jess is all Oh, well, let’s start cleaning now. You get to do all the Charlie work”
So then Robin waddles over to the house with Jessica’s dry cleaning. How soon the abused become the abuser.
So Robin immediately starts eating a chocolate bar because she’s a weak willed, food-addicted, lard ass. Elizabeth can’t swallow her contempt, as she’s “hypnotized by Robin’s rhythmic chewing.”
So then Liz is all Don’t say fat. Don’t say fat. So, doesn’t that chocolate stuff make you a big fat cellu-monster, I mean …..does it make you break out?
So Robin’s all, No, I’m just naturally fat…NOM NOM NOM and Liz is like No, you are a fatass who eats like shit, pretty much. Which, we all know, is unforgivable. I mean, heaven forbid if Robin should be naturally fat, that doesn’t even exist. Or even more laughably, she might be a happy person despite her weight. We all know that all fat people are just miserable weak willed candy fiends.
So anyway, it’s established that Robin is Jessica’s bitch and has like, no self respect, because she’s a fat piece of shit. (The last part isn’t actually written but very heavily implied.)
So then Robin is like Oh Liz, please remind Jess to put me up for Pi Beta.
Liz just can’t resist a project and volunteers to put Robin’s name forward even though she knows full and well that these Pi Beta bitches(okay, that’s probably better read as Jessica) are never, ever, ever, ever going to let in a fatty. Liz is supposed to be the nice one, right?
We’re on page 12 and my official “Mention Robin is F-A-T” count is at 7 and the “Candy Bars hungrily gobbled by Robin” count is at 2.
So anyway, Elizabeth then inform Jess that she is nominating Robin for their shitty sorority and she’s all No Ass Made of Fat shall reside here and since Jessica is president of that shit, her word is pretty final.
And really, when you think about it, all Jessica is doing is being honest. She pretty much all but says We’re shallow bitches and even if Jiggly McCellulite gets in, all we’re gonna do is laugh at her and make her miserable. While Liz is like Well, its her right to subject herself to untold humiliation and degradation if she chooses. Which, while technically right, isn’t very friend-like.
So then at school Liz walks in late to the meeting and nominates Robin. All of the other girls are like well, she’s fat but Liz says she’s okay, which is kind of crap, because every knows that every popular clique has a fat girl. Fucking duh. Who else is gonna stay home to answer the phone in case her mom calls while she sneaks out to make out with her boyfriend? The Pi Betas seem to be short one fatty, so Robin should just be voted in and we can be done with it.
Anyway, this pisses Jessica off so she’s all Fine, Elizabeth. If you want to play this game, then I shall devise a series of dehumanizing and humiliating tasks that Robin must complete to become one of us. Additionally, I will enlist my loyal bitches-in-arms Lila Fowler and Cara Walker, who will conspire with me to bring much wickedness upon the House of Wilson. Better women have trembled in fear before the awesome power of this triumvirate and you too, shall kneel before Zod.
So then Jessica goes with Lila and Cara to Robin’s house to inform her that she is officially a pledge. Robin is all fat and excited and Jessica feels a brief moment of humanity. Kind of like when a serial killer is like I looked into her eyes and I felt sorry for her. Then I slit the bitches throat. Kind of just like that.
Can anyone tell me if there are any instances of pyromania, bed wetting or cruelty to animals in any of the SVK books? We have a right to know if Jessica is actually a psychopath.
Jessica is then like This invitation? It’s got strings, bitch. But Robin is so happy and dumb and fat that she doesn’t care and then she eats an entire cherry cheesecake. Because fat people just can’t help themselves. What funny, round little creatures they are!
So then we enter B-plot land, which appears to be Lila centric, which is a welcomed reprieve from the soul crushing fat Robin parts. Lila, who is usually a selfish bitch (just the way we like her) is giving Jessica gold earrings and shit like that.
Then Liz and Todd talk about Jess some more. If it weren’t for Jessica the two of them would cease to have a relationship. This is the stuff that makes me wish SV Confidential was actually going to happen. Because you fucking KNOW Todd wants to bang Jessica so bad and I would love to read all the juicy details. Like, I’m half convinced that Todd is only with Liz so he can have access to the Wakefield house and sniff Jess’ panties and shit. THIS IS ALL THEY DO. If my boyfriend always wanted to talk about my sister I would think something fucked up was going on.
So then Jessica makes Ro-Bese run around the track while all the cool kids laugh at her but Robin is so desperate and fat that she doesn’t really care and just keeps on running for them like the fat stupid monkey she is.
Next the sisters make Robin wear a bikini on the beach on the upcoming weekend. Liz does an actually nice, likable thing and invites Robin to hang out with her, Enid and Todd at the beach that day. Even though, as a member of Pi Beta Alpha, she is directly complicit in this whole humiliation. I mean, it’s not like she could go to a teacher or her parents to report the fucked up shit her sister is perpetrating.
So then the next task is to get Bruce Patman to go to a dance with her. Since his sociopathy is rivaled only by Jessica, I’m sure nothing but good will come of it.
At the beginning of chapter 3 (hahahahahah yes, this wall of text has thus far gotten an incredible three chapters in!) Liz has the fucking nerve to question “Why wasn’t she feeling better about herself [Robin]?” Indeed, Liz, why hasn’t a weeks worth of non stop cruelty and degradation filled Robin with self-esteem? I bet it is because she is too fat to learn stuff. Like all the cookies and candy and shit have gone directly to her brain.
Then Liz stumbles on Robin crying tears of Crisco over how she’ll never get Bruce to go to the dance with her and now she’ll never be in Pi Beta and since she’s fat, she’s got nothing else to live for, so that would be very bad.
Liz then goads her into at least asking Bruce to the dance. Which is shady as all get out. Like, if Robin is really your friend, don’t you say Listen, Robin. These bitches are crazy and they don’t like you for who you are. You have people that are your real friends, so let’s ditch these cunts and go to Dairi Burger.
Wow, so let’s officially clock Liz’s likeable moments at two, she’s negotiating with Bruce on behalf of Robin and dangles a feature in the paper in front of him. He reacts like this is some huge deal (I wrote for the school paper. Let me tell you right now, no one gave/gives a fuck.) and is going on and on about his mad tennis skillz and she mentions that is was “…definitely give-me-strength time” which, I can imagine a conversation with Bruce would require a lot of give-me-strength time.
So Bruce takes the carrot and agrees to take Robin to the dance in exchange for a feature in the newspaper (that no one but the students who wrote it care about).
Back in B-plotsville Lila comes over and Liz decides to be all meddle-ly and try and catch Jess in a lie, so she asks Lila about her aunt. Lila, of course, has no idea what Liz is talking about because she doesn’t remember making it up and then Liz is like that sure is a nice expensive looking new ring you have there and her buttinski detector is going off like crazy while Lila is like I hate you. Please go away. And that’s why I love Lila Fowler.
So then Bruce takes Robin to the dance, walks her out in the middle of the dance floor and calls her a fatty and ditches her.
Way to go, Elizabeth. I’m glad that Robin was your friend and that you were so saintly as to put that friendship first instead of congratulating yourself for outfoxing Jessica. Which I wouldn’t even mention if it were the point of this scene, which it so isn’t, which is additionally why these books are girl poison.
So I guess it takes Bruce’s public humiliation for Robin to finally get it through her obese brain that these people were laughing at her the whole time. The book keeps telling us that she is smart, but no smart fat girl I know would have so little respect for herself to not realize when people are using her for some cheap laughs.
Robin is all hyperventilating in the bathroom and threatens to quit school, then runs out. Liz chases after her and bumps into Allen who is “the tallest, the smartest, and perhaps the shyest boy at Sweet Valley High.” So Allen is pretty dreamy, really. He hasn’t really spoken or interior monologued, so that’s adding a lot to the dreamy factor. Hasn’t ruined it yet and whatnot.
Then there is a pretty nice scene, done fairly realistically, when Allen finds Robin and she starts screaming at him for trying to help her because what help can Allen Walters possibly be? He’s smart, tall and shy, not cool and he can’t turn back time and make the whole Bruce thing never happen, so she doesn’t need his help right now, thanks.
Then they have a nice conversation about nerdy stuff and for once I am not totally disgusted by a potential SVH suitor.
Then Liz goes to the mall and realizes that Lila’s been stealing shit to fill the emotional void left by her negligent , workaholic father and her mother who abandoned her (but not really!). Lila really deserves better than SVH. I could totally see her hanging out with Blair and Serena. She deserves Blair level awesomeness.
In summation, Lila is the poorest little massively rich girl in all the land because Daddy doesn’t love her enough. She still manages to bring the awesome, though. Everyone has flaws.
So then the witches gather at their coven to see who is next indoctrinated. Suzanne Hanlon (of the Collins raping Hanlon’s, I believe?) is in. (edit: dammit it was Suzanne Devlin!)
Then Jessica blackballs Robin but pretends like it isn’t her and really, it’s a pretty good plan, when you get right down to it. Gotta give a bitch credit.
So then after the final blow of humiliation was smote upon the House of Wilson, Elizabeth finally goes to Mr. Collins to relieve her conscience.
Way to be timely, Wakefield.
Then Liz confronts Jessica about it and Jess actually calls Liz a “buttinski” and while Jess was certainly perpetrating some vile shit, that was rad.
Then at school Robin is all a sad fatty but at least she has divested herself of the illusion that these little assholes were her friends. So Liz tries to condescend…I mean comfort her but Robin’s not having it and then Jess comes over to sociopath at her some more and Robin waddles away like a fat little penguin who has no friends because they are a worthless fat person who is fat.
Ruining ones person’s illusions isn’t good enough for Liz so next she confronts Lila about her stealing as a replacement for parental love. Liz makes Lila go back to the store and return the stuff she stole. Liz is such a freaking buzz kill.
Then Liz sees Robin powering around the track like a crazy person. There is the obligatory I hope you aren’t losing weight the stupid way mention by Liz, but we all know Robin is losing weight the stupid way, even those she says she isn’t, because that’s the only way you lose weight so fast.
Then the shop presses charges on Lila, but in the end it’s okay because how her Daddy knows that she’s troubled and will love her more. Plus she’s a juvie and can pay for a lawyer so that shit will be for sure expunged once she hits 18. Lila ain’t stressing. (Just assuming that last part)
Lila makes Liz promise not to tell Jess, which Liz has fun with Jess over. Can’t say I blame her.
Then Liz goes on a boring date with Todd and the next day at school sees that Robin is trying out for cheerleading.
Robin is skinny and hot now. Since she is skinny and hot she is now allowed to stand up for herself and have some self respect.
And I’m going to skip the details at the end because I am about to soapbox on you people like a motherfucker.
Bruce wants to bone her, Robin is smart enough not to bone him. She wins the Miss Sweet Valley pageant and she picks Allen Walters to be her boyfriend, which is the first smart thing she’s done despite the book telling us otherwise. That’s good. Allen Walters has my vote as best SVH boyfriend for now. Oh yeah, she’s also a cheerleader.
It’s really too bad that she couldn’t have shown anything resembling a backbone or a personality before she lost weight. Truly.
Now, onto the soapboxing.
I feel like I should come clean and confess that I am a former high school fatty. I was chubby growing up and very overweight in HS. I was a miserable person, but most of it was divorced entirely from my fatty misery (although, in the interest of honesty, there was a fair bit of that, too) It was okay. I was happy enough, all things considered. I had friends, real ones, no one really gave me too much shit about it, I had (gasp!) a BOYFRIEND (who was cute and in a band to boot) . I gave fuck zero what anyone had to say about me, to a point that now amazes and mystifies me.
I lost a few pounds at 19 almost inexplicably (my theory is baby fat) and when that happened I dieted/exercised (read: took diet pills and didn’t eat) a bunch more weight off until I was “skinny” or whatever. (Some of the pounds have come back. Not all, but some. I am okay with that at this point in my life).
This book in particular is seared into my memory because I can vividly remember thinking that if I could just run myself to death and have the willpower to not eat anything but salads with no dressing I could be thin and that would make me happy. I was like seven or eight, way too young to be thinking about stuff like that. And how much worse is it for a girl of eleven or twelve, thirteen when puberty settles in and creates rolls and lumps where there had been none previous, when your chubby face ceases to be adorable, when your peers are at their cruelest, when your self esteem is at its lowest? When you will hate the intractable baby fat as it migrates and moves, settling in for the long passage through adulthood? Isn’t that dangerous? Why would you teach girls to hate their bodies? Before it’s been established exactly what heir bodies will even look like?
And even worse, even more affronting to me personally, is teaching this idea that losing weight solves everything and makes your life perfect.
Let me tell you firsthand. It doesn’t. Its the biggest lie in the world.
For years now we’ve been told that losing weight will make you happy and boys will love you and you will win the Sweet Valley High pageant and be a cheerleader. Yet all that could happen and more and it wouldn’t make you happy.
So what if boys approach you more? You may find that you hate the attention and that the majority of them are douchebags you’d rather not have talking to you. You might find that you still like the same kinds of boys as you did before and that you losing weight has not made them less socially retarded and therefore, just as hard to scrutinize and read?
So what if you win the beauty pageant, you’ll just question if you’d have won if you were still fat. (The answer is no.)
Great you’re a cheerleader now and you get to have all the girls ask you what your secret is and tell you how good you look now. The now may or may not bother you.
You will always be the exact amount of unhappy that you were meant to be. Losing weight isn’t a magic solution to all your problems.
Selling that myth is toxic and intellectually dishonest.
And done with the soapbox.
I’ll try and be funnier next time.
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