SVH #101 - The Boyfriend War
The Boyfriend War is phenomenal on two levels. It contains possibly the greatest Jessica/Lila plot of all time AND quite possibly the nerdiest Liz plot in the series. And that’s saying a lot because, as we all know, Liz plots usually suck. (Am I the only one who thought, back in the day, that Liz was cool? How wrong I was…)
It’s spring break in Sweet Valley! (Again?) A heat wave has come to town, but thankfully most people are going on nerdy vacations - or, in Jessica and Lila’s case, a trip to the Caribbean!! (Jess thinks she’s on an all-expense paid vacation courtesy of Lila’s family and is PUMPED for it to begin.) Get a load of Liz’s plans: Todd is going camping at Yosemite with his parents, who have invited Liz to join them. But Liz, overly enthusiastic scholar that she is, turns them down in favor of staying home and writing an EXTRA CREDIT PAPER FOR HONORS ENGLISH EVEN THOUGH SHE ALREADY HAS AN A. Who does this?!?!
There’s no way to save Liz’s plot at this point. We already know how it’s going to go down - it’s going to be hot, Liz is going to research, she’ll find documents, she’ll meddle in lives, and she’ll find ways to jump to conclusions. AGAIN!
This plot could have been so much better. Think of the alternative! If she’d actually gone with Todd to Yosemite, we could have seen a few Todd punches FO SHO. I mean, Liz seems to always find ways to cheat on Todd (especially when she leaves town), so if she went camping with them, think of the rustic mountain men she could meet and make out with in front of Todd! That would have been awesome. But alas, Liz sucks. As does this plot.
The Liz plot: It’s hot. She and her other nerdy friends go to see matinees of old romance movies at the theater for the air conditioning there. Because no one, apparently, has A/C at their house. Liz is writing a family history paper on her mother. Lo and behold, she finds a wedding photo of her mom and Hank Patman - Bruce’s dad! The romance movies come into play here, where Liz assumes the plots from these movies mirror her life (and her mom’s life), as Bruce’s parents have split up over his dad’s alleged affair (And Bruce “knows” the affair must be with Alice Wakefield! Apparently, Liz isn’t the only one who jumps to conclusions around here.). Liz and her friends debate the movies they see, and Liz gets WAY into the discussions because she almost thinks she’s fighting for her mom’s honor. This plot ends with Liz crying into her pillow because she thinks that her life is ruined and that she’s going to be moving in with the Patmans when her mom marries Bruce’s dad.
Yeah, this plot sucked. Not to mention that it could have been over if Liz had just asked her mom about the photo. As “caring and understanding” as Liz is (ahem), you’d think that she would talk to someone about this problem instead of just spreading the word. Whatevs.
Moving on.
Jess and Lila are heading to Club Paradise in the Caribbean. Jess is super thrilled about their trip, but Lila, shockingly, does not seem too excited. Jess seems this is because Lila is used to having all-expense paid vacations. If I were Jess, I’d be a little concerned based on Lila’s devious behavior over the past 100 books. Why isn’t she at least excited about the guys there? Helloooo. Be afraid, Jess. Be very afraid.
They arrive in Montego Bay and discover that the airline has lost Jessica’s luggage. Not exactly a big deal, but kinda funny, as it shows the low note their vacation begins on. They are then driven by Club Paradise… and on to Kiddie Paradise! Apparently Lila’s Uncle Jimmo, who owns the place, needed two “kounselors” (they spell every “c” word with a “k” in Kiddie Paradise - how kraptastic) and Lila’s parents volunteered her and a friend to babysit.
The following konversation happens when Jess konfronts Lila about their vacation:
Lila: “You wouldn’t have come if I told you the truth!”
Jess: “Of course I wouldn’t have come! I’m not an idiot!”
Lila, philosophically: “There isn’t much you can do except make the best of it.”
Hehe!
Jessica decides that Lila is her archenemy and that she will never speak with her again. Riiight. But it’s fitting. It’s Sweet Valley High. It’s overly dramatic. And Jess would TOTALLY vow this.
We’re introduced to the other kounselors: 3 guys, 5 girls. The guys are all nerdy; the ghostwriter even make their NAME unattractive: Charles, Harold, and Howard. Way to go, ghostwriter. I don’t have to hear a description to know I don’t want to date them either. Jessica also dislikes the girls (Anne, Marcy, and Julia). Julia she especially dislikes because she’s nasty ever since “Jessica had offered to give her some advice on choosing clothes that would make her look thinner”.
I’d be nasty too, biotch. But hey, it’s Jess.
At the Kiddie Korral, Jess is given her HLKs (Happy Little Kampers - yes, they’re abbreviated as HLKs in the book). Jessica actually thinks, “How kute” - go ghostwriter!!! How sad is it that the ghostwriter’s use of K’s is better than the entire Liz plot?
Lila’s given some well-behaved HLKs, while Jess is given 5 and 6 year old monsters. Lila finds out the name of the hottest guy on the island - Mick, the windsurfing instructor - and wants to date him. Jess wants to date him too - especially after she sees Lila talking to him.
Then there is the Kounselor Koordinator that Jessica nicknames “Trixie the Pixie”. She tells them that each kounselor has to do a welcome routine twice over the week (good thing they told them ahead of time so they could prepare…). Jess’s first routine bombs, as she does a cheerleading routine with palm fronds as pompoms. Julia is nasty to her about it, but Jessica flirts with Charles to get proper support, which icks Jessica out and makes Julia mad.
Lila and Jess are supposed to take their HLKs to do fingerpainting together, but Lila pays some random person to babysit her HLKs so she can go on a date with Mick. (Oh, to be rich. And oh, a place that doesn’t kare about background checks… These kids are in great hands! Well-manicured hands, at least.)
Mick hits on Jessica Tuesday morning, and Jessica “trying to look as sexy as she could in the baggy khaki shorts” flirts back, scoring a date with him later. He assures her there’s nothing going on with him and Lila, which makes Jess even happier. Julia eavesdrops on this konversation and hates Jess even more because she can talk to guys, and Julia somehow manages to overcome her insecurity to go up and ask Mick out on a date as well. Lucky for Mick, all these girls hate each other and are willing to believe he hates the others too. Funny how Julia claims she can’t trust Jess because Jessica is too attractive, yet she falls for Mick’s krap despite him being attractive. Must be different for guys and girls.
Mick is an ass. After giving Jess a windsurfing lesson, he says stuff like, “You did have the world’s greatest teacher!” and “Do you go for tall, attractive guys with great bodies and long, sexy hair?” Dude, he makes himself sound like Tarzan. He also calls Lila a “mousy brunette” and a “spoiled rich kid”. Jess, of course, doesn’t find it suspicious AT ALL that Mick is interested in the fact that she and Lila aren’t talking. He even suggests that she KEEP not talking to Lila, at least for the week. Mick wants to take Jess to a place that “he’s never taken any girl before.” Is she the only one who cannot spot a line??? I know she hates the dumb blonde remark, but really now! If the Lisette designer-knockoff shoe fits…
As if reading my mind, on a date with Lila that night, Mick calls Jessica “a dumb blonde”. They bond over the fact that Lila has just given Jessica a vacation in the Caribbean - how can Jess be MAD?!
The next morning, at the Kiddie Korral welcome routine performances, Lila rocks by hiring a professional band to play. She plays in the background on a marimba. I totally forgot Lila could rock a marimba! Kudos to her.
Jessica follows that act by doing a modern dance routine. Her HLKs throw a marble on stage right as she lands a difficult leap, making her fall. Julia gives Jessica “a K for klutziness.”
Jessica’s HLKs outdo themselves that day by dying one of the HLK’s hair purple. Jessica is not amused and komforts herself by thinking of “Mick’s long sun-streaked hair”. Seriously Tarzan. (He also has the IQ of Tarzan.)
Meanwhile, Lila has decided that her “relationship” with Mick HAS to be serious because she doesn’t even care that he doesn’t have money!
Mick has also been dating Julia, claiming he likes his women “voluptuous.” Julia has decided this makes Mick PERFECT and hopes that he focuses on the “daring neckline of her top.” Can we say “hoochie” at a kiddie kamp? Although Julia does gain a few points by preferring Lila to Jessica and trying to cozy up to her in an effort to somehow get back at Jessica for her weight comments. Here is her fab konvo with Lila:
Julia: “Lila, how do you make your hair look so perfect in this heat?”
Lila: “I suppose I was just born with perfect hair.”
Julia: “You were just born perfect, period.”
Lila: “That’s true.”
Actual convo!!!!! Julia rocks right now! Though she loses points in Lila’s book for being from Wisconsin (and probably for being “voluptuous” as well).
Mick confuses his lie to Lila about his whereabouts at lunch with his lie to Jessica about his whereabouts at lunch, although neither one of them seem to catch on to his “I did?” Mick tells Lila that he’s falling in love with her, which OF COURSE she focuses on instead of spending more time on his krappy kover up. Lila, to her credit, doesn’t think she’s in love with Mick, but she thinks the healthiest relationship is when a boy needs her more than she needs him. Hehe!
Later, Mick takes Jessica out on the same date he just took Lila out on. Should we hate the player or the game? Jess komplains about her HLKs and Mick starts talking about children, saying, “Can you imagine what gorgeous blond hair a child of mine would have?” Jessica thinks this means that Mick looooves her. (At least Lila got Mick to SAY that he was falling in love - Jessica just ASSUMES from his self-centered comments… Almost like she’s turning into Liz…)
At the next morning’s welcome show, Lila’s HLKs (including one brown-noser named BARTHOLEMEW) sing “We Welcome You to Munchkinland.” Jessica’s kids perform a horrendous magic show that everyone thinks is supposed to be a komedy show. Which it truly, truly is.
Jess somehow gets Marcy and Charles to watch her HLKs, so she goes and kruises the beach for guys. She lets a lifeguard named Larry rub suntan lotion on her shoulders. Larry gets them drinks and brings back Mick and Lila too! AWKWARD! (Larry and Mick know each other)
Jess is scared that Mick is mad at her for being out with Larry EVEN THOUGH HE’S ON A DATE WITH LILA. Lila gets some points for asking what designer Jessica’s bikini is a copy of. FIERCE. Jessica responds, “Oh, this old thing? It’s just something I picked up somewhere. But I just love YOUR bikini, Li. I can tell that it’s brand new - I guess all of your others were getting too small.” FIERCE x2.
The two “couples” have a fight in the water, with Lila and Jessica on the guys’ shoulders, trying to knock each other into the water. Klearly, a lose-lose situation, as both of them get afraid of the JELLYFISH that might be around and end up ruining their hair in the water. Oh, I miss the days of simply sun damage while tanning on the beach. Sweet Valley always ups the ante - sun damage AND jellyfish!
Jess has the audacity to APOLOGIZE to Mick for talking to Larry. Girl, get some self-respect!
As if we all didn’t see this coming, Mick has scheduled the same date for Jessica and Lila at the same time! (I told you he has the IQ of Tarzan - he doesn’t even show up for either date! I always thought repetition was supposed to drill stuff into your brain.)
So, since Mick doesn’t show up, Jess and Lila are apparently on a date with each other “in their sexiest bathing suits.” Is the ghostwriter a dude? They actually have a catfight in their sexy swimsuits, pushing each other into the water. They compare stories and insults that Mick said about the other and decide to plot revenge. They are going to put their differences aside to fight the TRUE ENEMY - men. And, specifically, Mick.
Poor Julia! Lila and Jessica have made up! Julia thinks that she never should have trusted someone (Lila) that attractive. Hello, you’re trusting Mick?
When Jess and Lila tell the other girls about Mick two-timing them, Julia laughs and tells that she already knew - Mick is in love with her! Lila points out that Mick has called Julia “a fat blob.” That is the best insult he could come up with? Julia is still rowing a boat up Da Nile and needs everything spelled out for her (she’s also described as being a blonde, y’all). Eventually, it sinks in, and she’s on board with the revenge plan, as is another girl counselor that Mick had previously dated. Just then, the 5th chick walks in and says she’s in love with Mick.
Jess and Mick go on a date, where Jess dresses “provocatively” and pretends to still be interested. She can’t believe that she ever fell for Mick’s lines. That makes two of us, Jess. She konvinces Mick to be a volunteer in the magic act she’s performing at the Paradise’s talent show.
Jess finally sees the good in having monster HLKs and asks them to help her make someone look really stupid in front of everyone. Of KOURSE they want to help! Lila’s kids are on board too, and Jess’s kids make Lila’s kids into monsters as well. Oh , peer pressure to be bad!
The talent show. Lila has gotten them costumes for FREE from a girl that Mick has also been dating.
Seriously. It’s been a WEEK. How many girls has Mick managed to date and keep his job?!?
“Jessica the Magnificent” RANDOMLY selects Mick as a volunteer from the crowd… and then introduces her assistant, “Fowler the Fantastic.” Mick’s eyes widen in horror. Oh snap. They’re on to him. Payback’s two bitches, my friend.
Lila crushes Mick’s expensive watch with a hammer instead of simply making it disappear. (Personally, I’d make it disappear and then keep it.) Jessica “pulls quarters” from Mick’s ear while she cuts off his hair in back where the audience can’t see. Jessica then sprinkles purple powder on Mick’s head and makes him “disappear” in the trapdoor on stage. A group of other girls he’s two-timed greets him downstairs and he stupidly follows their instructions that he rub a soaking wet towel into the purple powder in his hair to get it out. Of course, it’s actually hair dye.
Mick calls Jess and Lila “those two witches.” Mmmhmm. He then bitches out when the HLKs surround Jess and Lila “holding sticks” and Mick runs away. Wuss. Witch. Bitch.
Julia has a date with Charles. Isn’t it their last night there? Whatever, it’s Sweet Valley. The one night could stretch on for books.
Moral of the story: Never mess with Jess and Lila. They’re better than you.
And read about Elizabeth getting some Patman action (yes, that’s BRUCE PATMAN ACTION) while she lives with Todd in # 102, ALMOST MARRIED. I’ll be recapping it shortly.