SVU # 20: Here Comes the Bride
I bring to you the end of the 3-part pregnancy arc, glazed with the resolution of the doughnut shop plot. Also Alice acts like a crazy momzilla. And another glaring continuity error! Can you handle it?
Cover. I keep thinking college Steven looks like Michael from "Melrose Place." And I might be grasping at straws, but Billie kinda sorta might resemble Sydney. Also, horrible photoshopping job....you can actually see the border where the happy couple were plopped in front of this Sears background.
Previously: Promises were broken. Dreams were shattered. A donut shop was purchased, and Lila burst out of her uniform.
Billie the Girl is wondering where Steven is. He took off with Mike McCallery the night before, and it's 9 in the morning and he's still out. Steven's kind of a rock star, huh? Billie reflects on how a week ago she was pregnant and engaged, and now she's not, and she cries. She hears Mike's motorcycle pull up and sees Steven jump off the back of the bike. I always think dudes are together when they ride on the same bike. I know it's wrong to assume, but it just weirds me out. Anyway, there's a knock at the door, and she hopes it's Steven. She must be so disappointed to find out that it's the twins. Jessica asks Billie for an iced cappuccino and Liz smacks her. The conversation is the one you've seen a million times when people break up. Hedging around the subject, did he ask about me, no, blah. Jessica says she'll go talk to him, and she starts primping in the mirror. Elizabeth wonders if it's for Mike. I personally think it's for Steven.
Jessica looks at herself in her compact and thinks that with her makeup on, she's clearly the more beautiful twin. These girls are both so infuriating in retrospect, I sometimes feel like an asshole for wanting to emulate them. Mike answers the door and they flirt and make innuendo, and then Mike tells Steven that his little sister is there. Jess gets pissed and is all, "I wasn't so little when we were married and doing it!" And Mike says, "No, you're one of those rare people who gets more immature over time." I've said it multiple times, and I'll say it again: once Mike stopped smacking women around, I really started liking him!
Bruce is perving on Lila's legs at the doughnut shop, reflecting on how those legs are what got him in trouble in the first place. Lila has locked him out of the doughnut shop because she's still pissed at him, but he keeps banging on the door so she finally lets him in. Bruce begs forgiveness. He and Lila make out and are interrupted by a guy who works for Fowler Enterprises..."a small, family-run business interested in purchasing her property for a modest price." Bruce thinks that the guy's an idiot for not knowing he's talking to Robert Fowler's daughter. Really? Really?! REALLY?! This was printed in 1996. There were 13 years of books calling him George, and no fact checkers caught this oversight? To quote Miss
strangerface, shenanigans! Lila tells that guy that the owner isn't in, and decides to set up a meeting with her dad so she can stick it to him.
Steven's all hungover, and he tells Jess to sit down and talk quietly. Jessica says that Val (her business partner) has an offer to work in LA, and she has to decide whether to cash out and stay in school or have Val turn the job down and keep the business open. Steven's useless (shocking), so Jessica yells at him. Steven goes back to bed. Mike and Jessica squabble about what a shitty influence Mike is on Steven. Mike advises Jess to cash out, and says that Val has a great job opportunity. Jess is pissed because she thinks Mike and Val are banging, and she storms out.
Tom and Liz are being all gross and mushy, as usual. Tom says the world be a better place with more Elizabeth Wakefields, and Liz says that it might be better with more Elizabeths, but probably not Wakefields since Steven and Jessica are such fuck-ups. Nice. Elizabeth basically recaps the last chapter for Tom.
Lila goes to Fowler Enterprises, and instead of going right up to RobertGeorge, she insists on being announced. RobertGeorge is a patronizing dickhead to Lila, and thinks that she's there for a raise in her allowance. She bats her father around like a cat with a dead mouse, and finally tells him that the doughnut shop he's so interested in belongs to her. She tells him that the next day she's going to sign Lila's Doughnuts over to be a non-profit, and her dad's all, "You'll do no such thing! I'm RobertGeorge Fowler and I demand you sell me that property below market value right now!" Lila tells her dad to give her the price he wants to pay, and she'll double it. RobertGeorge is kinda pissed but more impressed.
Mike and Steven are at Last Stop Bar playing pool. Well, Mike's playing pool. He's afraid Steven will rip the felt so he won't let him. The bar's all seedy and Mike and Steven are all, "This is a guy's place! [told you there was something going on there] Look at all the slutty girls!" Some skanky redhead drapes herself all over Mike, and Steven offends him by saying his life is so great because he doesn't have to think of anyone but himself. Steven tells him to stop being a nancy boy, and then he rips the felt on the pool table.
Bruce and Lila are having dinner, and Bruce keeps wanting to be romantic, but Lila just wants to brag. She got three times RobertGeorge's original offer, plus 5% of the profits from the project go to the battered women's coalition. Bruce gets nervous that Lila would be so cutthroat with her own father. He imagines Lila driving a Rolls Royce with the vanity plate "WAS HIS." Bruce suggests that they draw up prenups "for fun." How awesomely insulting! Lila agrees.
Steven's sitting at the bar talking out loud about how awesome it is that he can stay out as late as he wants and doesn't have anyone to answer to. A skanky blonde girl comes up to him, and after some skanky flirting asks him to come home with her. He's walking with her, and suddenly turns the other way and goes home alone. How responsible. Of course a Wakefield would never have a one night stand.
Creepy Chas shows up at Billie's with flowers. There's some awkward flirting, then he asks her out, and she says no because she still loves Steven. She walks him out and kisses him on the cheek, and then she sees Steven. And he is pissed!
He runs up to Mike's apartment, and runs into Tom, who was picking up notes at someone's apartment down the hall. Tom tells Steven to put his jumping to conclusions mat away, and then says he has to go see Liz. Steven tells him that he's whipped, and Tom gets pissed. He tells Steven that he keeps talking about how he was just trying to be responsible and do the right thing, but he never talks about how he loves Billie. Steven gets all smiley and wants Billie back.
Steven runs back to the bar, and he tells Mike that he needs a horn to serenade Billie. I don't know. Mike says something about Steven's "now infamous tear in the pool table," and I'm doubtful that it became infamous in the span of 45 minutes. Whatever. Mike takes him to a pawn shop, and the woman running it is basically Miracle Max from "The Princess Bride," except she thinks true love is a noble cause. So she gives Steven one for free. Awesome.
Billie hears Steven playing the French horn terribly, and when she sticks her head out the window, Steven declares his love. They yell back and forth until the neighbors get pissed and tell him to just go up and hug her already. Steven runs up to the apartment and proposes. Again. I think this is the third time in as many books. I'd be like, "Sure, whatever, I'm fairly confident it'll be called off in 150 pages anyway."
Val and Jessica are doing inventory. Jessica's bored, and Val makes a comment about Jess going to class. Val keeps mentioning design school, and how she owes her awesome skillz to it. Jess finally asks what the deal is. Val says that Mike told her about their conversation, and she thinks Jessica should stay in school. Jessica is pissed and finally tells Val that Mike just wants her out of the way so he and Val can boink.
Lila and Bruce are working on their practice prenups. Lila thinks that if they split up, she should get Bruce's Jeep, clothes, and bank account. Because donating designer menswear is a great tax write-off. LOLZ. They start fighting over whose fault their fictional divorce is, and Bruce says Lila's taking everything. Lila let Bruce keep his sporting equipment, and Bruce points out that it was already his. They decide to stop this pre-prenup foolishness and make out some more. While they're smooching, they each think that they'll just go to their lawyers and have them draw one up...just for fun. The definition of fun is way different for the wealthy, apparently. My favorite way to have fun is to see how many drinks of my husband's wine I can take before he notices.
Ned is having a coronary because Steven and Billie are getting married. Apparently it's fine if Steve wants to "do the right thing" and "make an honest woman" out of Billie, but wanting to marry for love is rigoddamndiculous. I don't know why he's so up in arms. Zack and Kelly got married in college, and so did Cory and Topanga! Cory and Topanga are OTP, by the way. Alice keeps trying to calm Ned down, and he's just flailing about like a fish on a deck. He knocks over a bowl of peanuts and Alice is all, "I just vacuumed that rug!!! Don't you know I have OCD?! I'll cut you!" Steven explains that he loves Billie, and Ned says, "There's no reason to get married now. Before, when Billie was expecting the baby, you had no choice." Holy shit, is it 1955 already? Billie tells Ward and June Ned and Alice that she's still going to Spain, only now Steven's going to spend a semester abroad. Mr. Wakefield does an about face and gives the kids his blessing. Alice picks back up where she left off (being crazy and a control freak), and they decide to keep their original date. I think it's in like, a week or something. I don't get how people can do that. I had 18 months, and that was too long. I think a year would be perfect, but I'm also a procrastinator. Annnyyyway...
Tom and Elizabeth are talking about Billie and Steven's surprise engagement party. The guest list consists of all of Elizabeth and Jessica's friends, because apparently Steven and Billie have no friends of their own (except for Steven's friends from his super awesome Prelaw Society). Chas, I assume, is not invited. Bummer. They haven't picked out a location for the party, even though it's that evening. Mike walks into the restaurant, and Liz decides to have it at his place! Wizard! Mike gets all misty about Jess's guacamole. That's not a euphemism, by the way.
Mike and Jessica are setting up for the party (Liz left to get the cake), and Mike offers to make Jessica's favorite drink. No, not magical vodka punch! Seltzer with a splash of cranberry juice. I hang my head in shame, but I totally thought Jessica was hella sophisticated because she drank seltzer. Now I think of Eddie Murphy in Beverly Hills Cop: "Don't mix those drinks up...if I drink club soda I'll throw up." Jessica asks Mike to get a bowl down for her, and Mike says she never could reach that shelf. Jess is all, "Oh, good thing you're banging amazon Val now. SHE can reach everything." Jessica picks a fight with Mike about guacamole, but we all know it's about more than guacamole. Jessica starts talking about Val's mysterious backer, and Mike keeps trying to tell her something (I can't imagine what it is). Jess storms out, and Mike whips out his little black book and looks under "R." For "Redheads." Maybe I don't like Mike, after all.
Steven and Billie are surprised, and Billie observes that it's not just a surprise party, it's a surprise DANCE party. Because there's never dancing at a regular old party. Everyone starts slow dancing, and Billie thinks that their love is contagious. Gross. Jessica's all bummed that she's on the sidelines while everyone else is gettin' busy. Val's there (Why? Because she's friends with Mike?), and Jessica wonders if she cares that Mike's dry-humping some slutty redhead on the dance floor. Val is oblivious. Steven makes a toast and asks Mike to be his maid of honor (oops, I meant best man), and Jess is a selfish bitch and makes a huge scene. She says that she won't be in the wedding if Mike is. Val comes out and tells her to stop acting like a baby, and tells her that she's going to give her the 411 on her and Mike. Mike was a friend of Val's husband, who was a race-car driver, and who died in a crash on the raceway. Mike asked Val to look after Jess when she was working at Taylor's, and he also sold his Mustang to become Val's backer. And he did it all because he lurves Jessica.
Tom and Elizabeth are making out, and Elizabeth starts to tell Tom about the next day. Apparently everyone is going to the Wakefield's the next day to prepare for the wedding. Of course they are. Tom's hesitant to go because Alice is insane all the activity and running around makes him crazy, since last time it led to them fighting. And becoming accidentally pretend engaged.
Jessica goes back to Mike's, and he's kind of pissed at her for acting like a bitch. As he should be. She asks Mike why he didn't tell her he was the backer, and he says that he didn't think Jessica would have trusted him. And he was right. They make up, and Mike asks if he can take her out on a real date when they get to Sweet Valley. Jess says yes, and Mike agrees to be a perfect gentleman.
Bruce is getting ready to drive to Sweet Valley and doesn't really want Lila to drive with him, since he's going to meet with his lawyer to go over his fictional prenup. Everyone's going in a caravan, and Lila was supposed to ride with Jessica. She comes running up and jumps into Bruce's car, and he freaks out. Lila has Bruce drop her off at her black Miata. Because she has "errands" to run, too.
Steven stops at Mike's to thank him for the party, and Mike tells Steven that Jessica grew the hell up and isn't boycotting her brother's wedding anymore. Steven informs Mike that Alice has set the guest room up for him, and Mike recoils in horror. He'll stay at a hotel, thank you. Mike's the smartest person in this whole group, and that's saying a lot.
Tom, Elizabeth, and Jessica are driving to Sweet Valley, and Liz takes some detour so they can drive along the coast. Tom thinks it looks great, but it makes him sad to see the route they take to go home at holidays when he can't go anywhere for holidays. Because his family died. So he has to stay on campus alone. I feel for the guy, but does he have no friends he can go with?! Tom has to stay at Winston's, because Alice has "reserved the rooms for out-of-town guests." You know she's worried about Liz and Tom doing it. Not a problem, Alice! Jess is bitching about Alice being such a crazy control freak, and Tom and Liz tell her to chill the eff out. Tom starts to get nervous that the weekend will erupt into a bloodbath. He's probably right.
Billie's annoyed at all the people running around the Wakefield house because "it's her wedding and it seemed more like a prolonged house party for the twins and their friends!" Ungrateful much? Bitchy much? Jealous much? The minister is hella old, and while Steven and Billie meet with him, there are tons of distractions going on. Alice and Jessica are fighting about the souffle falling. Alice and Jessica fight all the time. The minister suggests Billie and Steven write their own vows. I don't know how people do that. Much like Jen Lancaster, I would like to use Homer's vows from "A Milhouse Divided."
Tom's getting in everyone's way, and feels all bummed that he's useless. He's like, "I just wanted to be treated like the gift that I am!" Elizabeth comes out and says that Alice wants them to pick up great-aunt Sylvia from the airport and bring her back to the house for the out-of-town relatives' dinner. Sylvia is senile, Elizabeth's never met her, Alice hasn't seen her in twenty years, and the only way they can identify her is by a photograph taken forty years ago. Sylvia also said she's bringing her husband Howard with her, but Howard's dead. This can only go well. Before they leave, Alice starts bitching to Elizabeth about Jessica. She says something about how much more responsible Elizabeth is than Jessica. She gushes so much, that I have a feeling Elizabeth might "bungle" this one.
Jessica and Mike are on a picnic date. Mike gives Jess her jacket, and when they start getting flirty, Mike suggests they go. Jess tells him to relax and just eat lunch. They decide to start over, and Jess opens the picnic basket. Mike made a sandwich with salami, onions, and "stinky" cheese. He also packed pickles marinated in garlic. Halitosis: the first line in defense against Jessica Wakefield.
Tom and Elizabeth get to the airport, and Sylvia's flight has already landed. She sees a woman in the same ruby red cat-eyed glasses Sylvia was wearing in the picture getting into a car with an old man, and logically assumes that Sylvia has been abducted. Alice is going to trade the twins in for the Olsens (remember, this was published when they were just innocent squillionaires).
Mike walks Jessica to her door, and when he leans in to kiss her, the door opens and all of her aunts start squealing. One of them comments on her figure. I'm shocked they don't know that it's a size six. Mike freaks out and runs away. Ha. The phone rings, and Alice says hello to Aunt Sylvia. It's totally Tom talking in an old lady voice. He says that she's too tired to come to the dinner, and Alice buys into it. Alice is a fucktard. Aunt Sylvia isn't at the hotel, and Elizabeth and Tom start to get nervous. Not nervous enough to tell an adult what happened (and have Elizabeth's reputation tainted with this failure?), or call the police to try and find her. They decide to go back to the Wakefield's and look for her the next day. Everyone at dinner asks about Sylvia, and Tom and Elizabeth keep telling stories that are contradictory to Sylvia's personality and lifestyle. Wackiness ensues.
Bruce meets with his lawyer, who of course thinks that this practice prenup is a capital idea. When he's walking out, he runs into Lila. Her lawyer is Bruce's lawyer's wife!!! OMG! They get in a fight, and the lawyers convince them to go into a conference room and talk things out.
Elizabeth goes to the rental car agency she saw the old man in front of, and of course they refuse to give out confidential information. And of course when she realizes that the sun shines out of Elizabeth's ass and is blinded by her halo, she tells her that Carl Lister checked out the car. And what luck! He's returning it to a town two and a half hours away that morning! They might make it if they leave right now! Are you on the edge of your seat, yet?
Steven's having issues writing his vows, and decides to take a break and read the paper. Wouldn't you know, there's an article about a study that says 50% of marriages end in divorce? Hate to break it to you, Stevie, but I think it's higher than that if you get married under the age of twenty. Tough break. He thinks that if he had a 50% chance of being struck by lightning whenever he went outside, he'd never leave the house! He goes to a bookstore and buys five books on marriage.
Bruce and Lila have spent their time in the conference room canoodling. They decide to let the lawyers negotiate their prenups. Wasn't that the point in the first place?
Elizabeth and Tom are in Santa Carmine at the boardwalk. They got to the car rental place too late. She calls Alice, and Alice freaks out and says that she expects this kind of selfish, irresponsible behavior from Jessica. Elizabeth tells her that her and Tom are spending the day with Sylvia. Then she sees the guy who abducted Sylvia. He looks an awful lot like Uncle Howard from the picture Elizabeth has. They chase after him, but lose him. Tom tries to get Liz to go back to Sweet Valley, but Liz refuses.
Mike and Jessica are at the Dairi Burger. Jessica says she ate their every day after high school, and Mike asks the question 1bruce1ers have been asking forever. How did she stay so damn thin? She admits to her eating disorder, and Mike immediately takes her to a clinic. After several months of intense counseling, she emerges a size eight, but more confident and ready to stop being such a selfish twat. Of course that's not true! She says it's her hot blood. They have meds for that, dude. Mike's being really wholesome, and Jess notices that he's wearing Steven's shirt. She realizes that he's trying to act like Steven. I personally would have thought Jessica would be into it, but that's just me. She tells Mike to cut it out, and he gets all sexified with her.
Billie can't find Steven anywhere, and she's getting annoyed. Alice is being a freak (I should just say Alice is being herself), and asks if Billie has decided between the pink and purple or yellow and white arrangements. She'd go for the pink and purple herself. I almost said that was gross, but my husband and I had hot pink, lime green, and a little purple, and it actually looked pretty chic. In my mind this is more lilac and pale pink and very "Steel Magnolias." Anyway, Billie says she's waiting for Steven's input, and Alice is all, "Oh, well, he's my son and I know he'd agree with me, so I'll just order the pink and purple." I say that I would slap the shit out of my mother-in-law, but this is totally something she would pull, and I know that I'd just smile and deal with it. Billie says she's waiting for Steven, and Alice is a passive aggressive bitch about it.
Steven comes swanning out, oblivious to everything. Billie freaks out on him, and he's all, "I'm sorry you feel that way. You're projecting. I'm glad you're using humor to defuse anger." Billie shows him the song list, and he says he couldn't possibly pick one, as each holds its own special meaning. If he picks one, that means that it holds more significance than another one, and tomorrow that might not be true. Steven's pretty funny when he's acting like a cult member. Steven's non-committal about the flowers, so Billie decides to tell Alice that he prefers the yellow and white. Ha.
Tom and Elizabeth have been up all night looking for Sylvia. She FINALLY decides to inform the Santa Carmine police, and they think Liz is insane. They pretty much laugh in her face, and Tom drags her away to get back to Sweet Valley. In the car, Liz keeps saying that the man Sylvia was with looks just like Howard. Tom says that she couldn't have seen Uncle Howard. It's impossible, even for her family. THEN he says that a lot of weird stuff happens to the Wakefields that doesn't happen to anyone else. That's the understatement of the century, yo. This leads to a fight about families and how Elizabeth thinks Tom thinks he'd be better off on his own. Nice.
Bruce and Lila walk into another conference room, and the lawyers are screaming and throwing things at each other. They've invented a beach house in Malibu for Bruce and Lila. These people are insane. The husband throws the wife's jacket down and jumps up and down on it. I guess all lawyers in Sweet Valley are as professional as Ned. Bruce and Lila run away and decide to put off their pre-prenup.
Elizabeth and Tom get to the Wakefield's, and Liz is freaking out about Alice decapitating her. They walk into the house, and it's total chaos. Jessica walks out to swim, and the pool has turned pink. Oh noes! You know Alice did that on purpose so Billie would have to go with the pink and purple flowers. Diabolical, that one. Denise is in the kitchen trying to make hors d'oeuvres because the caterer skipped town. His last clients came down with food poisoning. Isabella and Danny are fighting about vacuuming, and they end up getting the vacuum stuck on one of the tassels on Alice's Oriental rug. The bag explodes. Alice should've bought a Dyson, yo. Lila walks up to the door just as the delivery boy from the cleaners is dropping off Billie's dress. Lila asks how much it is, and the boy says it's on the house. Oh, and they didn't touch it-they just gave it a quick press. Then he runs away. Lila inspects the dress and finds a big stain on the back. This wedding is a disaster!
Steven's on the phone with Mrs. Winkler. She and her husband are stuck in Mexico because of a hurricane, and she's pissed because Steven doesn't seem to be taking it seriously. He's like, "Yeah, it's really sad. I'd even say it's tragic. But I won't get upset, because I don't engage in negative emotions like that anymore." Mrs. Winkler hangs up and says that she'll call back later to talk to Billie. Steven wanders off and thinks that if Billie's parents can't make it to their daughter's wedding, it just wasn't meant to be. He's evolved to a higher plane. He's part of Professor Finley's New Evolution.
Mike pulls up to the house and sees Winston trying to start his car. He tells Winston that he flooded the engine, and tells him to back the car up slowly and backwards. Winston pulls forward fast, and ends up running over the cable that runs electricity into the backyard. Awesome.
Liz finds Jess and asks where the bridesmaids dresses are. The milliner needs to match the ribbons on their hats with the buttons on their dresses. Gross, dude. Val hasn't brought the dresses yet, and Jess doesn't know what color buttons Val decided to use. Mike walks into the house to pick up Jessica, and sees the dirt all over the living room. He thinks the Wakefields should hire a maid since Alice isn't much of a homemaker. I wasn't kidding, dude, she will fucking cut you if she hears you talking like that. Ned walks up to him and says that as the best man, Mike should hold the rings. They belonged to his grandparents. And Ned can't find them. It's a comedy of errors, this wedding.
Alice finds Liz and kisses her ass about how awesome she is and how Alice wouldn't have been able to deal with all these incompetent assholes without her. Then she finds Billie and says that she ordered the purple and pink flowers. Billie's like, "Here's my switchblade, let's dance, bitch!!! She tells Alice that she wanted white and yellow, and Alice is like, "Um, no, we said that whatever Steven wanted I would order." Steven told both of them that either color would be fine. Steven refuses to adhere to this conflict, and will be damned if he has to decide on a color scheme! Alice is super generous and is like, "I'll call the florist back. It is your wedding, after all." What a bitch. That's the same shit my mother-in-law pulled on me about bridesmaids.
Billie goes off on Steven, and he says, "Conflict is a toxic state, and I refuse to be a part of it anymore." Billie almost slaps the shit out of him, but instead asks about his vows. He presents her with pages and pages of diagrams and charts and chicken scratches. Billie tells him that before the end of the day she wants to see 250 words or fewer that can be read at the ceremony.
Elizabeth and Jessica discuss the rehearsal dinner, and Elizabeth says she'll ask Ned what to do. See, this is why you should never try to throw a wedding together in three days unless you are a cucumber. As in, cool as a. Ned's frantically looking for the rings, and he tells Elizabeth to take his credit card and go to Alfredo's that night with Steven, Billie, Tom, Jess, and Mike. And, hey, guess what? Alfredo's is at Aunt Sylvia's hotel! Sweet!
They get to dinner and are discussing what to eat. Steven isn't eating anything, because there are no macrobiotic foods on the menu. Tom asks when he became macrobiotic, and Billie says he's just being difficult. Elizabeth butts in (I am SHOCKED) and says there has to be another reason. I swear, the Wakefields are my in-laws. That's where the animosity comes from. Mike says it's just nerves and he's having a hard time, and Jess gets really defensive. This leads to a big sexist brawl, and Billie asks if they're blaming her. Liz says it's no one's fault, Billie says it's Steven's fault, Jess defends Steven, Liz defends Billie, Billie yells at Liz, and Tom is shocked and mortified.
Steven finally says, "Excuse me?" When everyone ignore him he slams his hand on the table and yells, "ENOUGH!!" Billie says, "Oh, the prophet speaks," and Steven tells her not to make him more mad than he already is. Billie and Steven fight about how Steven's hiding his head in the sand for the sake of their marriage, and Billie thinks he's a dumbass. They get embarrassed and leave.
Bruce and Lila are having coffee at an outdoor cafe below their lawyer's office. They decide to cool it on the marriage talk, and then they make out. I love Bruce and Lila.
Everyone's still a little on edge and pissy at Alfredo's. Mike takes a bite of his dinner and declares it delicious...just like the pair of legs walking towards him. Gross. Mike, just when you're winning me back you turn into AC Slater. Turns out it's Gina! Mike jumps up to go talk to her, and Jessica's like, "Um, WTF do you think you're doing?" They walk over to her table and Gina says she's engaged. Jessica taps Mike on the shoulder and makes some bitchy comments, then flounces back to the table. Mike leaves Gina's table and makes it to the bar before Jessica jumps out and asks how he could embarrass her like that. They get in a fight, and Jess says that she wants Mike to be himself around her, but not around other women. Nice. They both storm out of the restaurant.
Tom and Elizabeth decide to stay at the restaurant a little longer, and Liz decides to try Sylvia's room one more time. She sees the man who kidnapped Sylvia in the lobby. It's Carl! Sylvia had left a message with the caterer at the Wakefield's house. Then the caterer ditched town and never delivered the message. Carl was the one in the picture with Sylvia. It was taken on a trip with Carl and his wife, and Sylvia and Howard. When Sylvia said she was bringing Uncle Howard, she meant she was bringing his ashes to sprinkle at Santa Carmine (where the photo was taken). Carl came from Alaska to sprinkle his wife's there, too. And Carl and Sylvia are in love!
Steven wakes his dad up at eleven that night. Steven says that he doesn't want to write his vows. Because he doesn't want to get married! Ned says that it's just prewedding jitters. Steven insists that they're not jitters, he's thought about it and he's not ready. Ned keeps persuading him that it's just jitters. Steven kind of sulks and says he's going to bed because he's getting married in the morning.
Jessica's cursing Mike's name. She's sleeping in a pink teddy and tap pants. How fancy! Jessica Wakefield doesn't need a man to dress sexy! She hears a noise and it's Mike throwing rocks at her window. He asks her to go for a motorcycle ride, and she agrees. I guess the Wakefields have changed their position on motorcycle riding since one of their daughter's was able to just end up in a minor coma instead of dying.
Billie's having a nightmare about her wedding, involving Alice weaving wilted pink and purple flowers in her hair, her parents not being present, and Steven chanting, "You will obey me" over and over. She wakes up and goes to knock on Ned and Alice's door. Ned comes out and walks over to Steven's door. He says he's not staying up all night over these damn jitters, so the two of them need to go downstairs and work it out themselves. That's actually some solid parenting, Ned. Even a broken clock's right twice a day, I suppose.
Mike and Jessica are at the beach, and they're talking about how Jess doesn't want Mike to flirt with other girls, but it's too intense when just the two of them are together. (?) He tells her he loves her and tells her to sleep on it. Mike drops Jess off, and when she gets into the house she hears a knock at the door. It's Liz! Jess thinks her and Tom were engaged in a little hanky-panky, but Liz just says she was having dinner with Carl and Sylvia. Because Liz Wakefield does not have teh sex! They walk into the living room and Ned's asleep on the couch. They wake him up and he fills them in on the Billie/Steven drama. Jess and Liz look in the kitchen and the two of them have their heads on the kitchen table asleep, holding hands. Ned says that they'll have to wait until the morning to decide if the wedding is still on.
Alice bursts into the kitchen screaming that it's ten am and she overslept and she has to put the canapes in! She starts barking orders and tells Billie and Steven to shower and get dressed because the wedding is at eleven thirty. Steven thinks that they've called off the wedding and he has to tell Alice. He's terrified to do this, with good reason. Because Alice is fucking insane. Billie and Steven are sitting at the table, and Alice screams at them to get moving. Billie tells Steven to tell her. Mrs. Wakefield says, "Tell me what?" And Billie says, "Nothing." Alice runs out of the room, and Steven and Billie call each other pansies. Steven says he's running away from home, and Billie points out that he doesn't even live there. LOLZ. They decide to have Ned do it, but he's smarter than he looks (not saying much, since he looks like this in my mind), and says hell to the no. They catch Elizabeth before she gets into the shower, and she transforms into Doormat!Liz and agrees to tell Alice. It's your funeral, dude.
Elizabeth finds Alice and tells her straight up that there will be no wedding. Alice stumbles backwards and turns pale and is like, "OMG, I did all this work for nothing?" Elizabeth says that they could still have a party (of course they could, it's Sweet Valley!). Alice says no, because a wedding is a celebration and there's nothing to celebrate now. How about celebrating the fact that your son didn't make a huge mistake and actually used his noggin for once? The doorbell rings and it's Sylvia and Carl. Sylvia's wearing a long cream dress and Carl's in a tux. Guess what happens? Guess, guess, guess!! They say that after Steven's wedding they're going to go to the justice of the peace and get married. Why, I have an idea! They could have it at the Wakefield's!! After all, it's already set up for a wedding, right?
Hey, Liz and I had the same idea! Alice is thrilled, of course. Tom walks Sylvia down the aisle. That's kind of sweet. Elizabeth is the maid of honor. Of course. Sylvia has the photo of her and Carl in a silver frame for something old, Billie's wedding purse for something new, Alice's ruby brooch for something borrowed, and Jessica gave her a blue ribbon for her hat. Sylvia thinks that she has such a lovely family, and she really should visit them more often. Yeah, she was only around them for twenty minutes. Longer than that and she'd be begging Carl to take her to Anchorage permanently.
Mike and Jessica are dancing, and Jessica pulls him away from everyone. They agree that their relationship is over, but that if something changes they can pick up where they left off. Jessica closes her eyes to be dramatic, and when she opens them Mike is gone.
Billie and Steven are dancing and happy that they didn't rush into marriage. Steven promises to visit Billie in Spain, and Billie promises to call once a week. Once a week? Really? If their relationship was so serious that they almost got married, I'd think she'd want to talk to him more than that. Maybe she's just not a phone person.
Aunt Sylvia throws her bouquet, and everyone runs away from it. Heh. I was at a wedding where that happened. I actually was a participant. The bride was not pleased.
There you have it, folks! After three books, no baby, no marriage (of our SVU friends, anyway), and no more doughnut shop. But everyone who reads Elizabeth's journalism paper is dead. And not because it's so boring and contrived, either. Is Elizabeth next? Don't tease me, Francine! Find out in the Thriller "Running for Her Life"!
Cover. I keep thinking college Steven looks like Michael from "Melrose Place." And I might be grasping at straws, but Billie kinda sorta might resemble Sydney. Also, horrible photoshopping job....you can actually see the border where the happy couple were plopped in front of this Sears background.
Previously: Promises were broken. Dreams were shattered. A donut shop was purchased, and Lila burst out of her uniform.
Billie the Girl is wondering where Steven is. He took off with Mike McCallery the night before, and it's 9 in the morning and he's still out. Steven's kind of a rock star, huh? Billie reflects on how a week ago she was pregnant and engaged, and now she's not, and she cries. She hears Mike's motorcycle pull up and sees Steven jump off the back of the bike. I always think dudes are together when they ride on the same bike. I know it's wrong to assume, but it just weirds me out. Anyway, there's a knock at the door, and she hopes it's Steven. She must be so disappointed to find out that it's the twins. Jessica asks Billie for an iced cappuccino and Liz smacks her. The conversation is the one you've seen a million times when people break up. Hedging around the subject, did he ask about me, no, blah. Jessica says she'll go talk to him, and she starts primping in the mirror. Elizabeth wonders if it's for Mike. I personally think it's for Steven.
Jessica looks at herself in her compact and thinks that with her makeup on, she's clearly the more beautiful twin. These girls are both so infuriating in retrospect, I sometimes feel like an asshole for wanting to emulate them. Mike answers the door and they flirt and make innuendo, and then Mike tells Steven that his little sister is there. Jess gets pissed and is all, "I wasn't so little when we were married and doing it!" And Mike says, "No, you're one of those rare people who gets more immature over time." I've said it multiple times, and I'll say it again: once Mike stopped smacking women around, I really started liking him!
Bruce is perving on Lila's legs at the doughnut shop, reflecting on how those legs are what got him in trouble in the first place. Lila has locked him out of the doughnut shop because she's still pissed at him, but he keeps banging on the door so she finally lets him in. Bruce begs forgiveness. He and Lila make out and are interrupted by a guy who works for Fowler Enterprises..."a small, family-run business interested in purchasing her property for a modest price." Bruce thinks that the guy's an idiot for not knowing he's talking to Robert Fowler's daughter. Really? Really?! REALLY?! This was printed in 1996. There were 13 years of books calling him George, and no fact checkers caught this oversight? To quote Miss
strangerface, shenanigans! Lila tells that guy that the owner isn't in, and decides to set up a meeting with her dad so she can stick it to him.
Steven's all hungover, and he tells Jess to sit down and talk quietly. Jessica says that Val (her business partner) has an offer to work in LA, and she has to decide whether to cash out and stay in school or have Val turn the job down and keep the business open. Steven's useless (shocking), so Jessica yells at him. Steven goes back to bed. Mike and Jessica squabble about what a shitty influence Mike is on Steven. Mike advises Jess to cash out, and says that Val has a great job opportunity. Jess is pissed because she thinks Mike and Val are banging, and she storms out.
Tom and Liz are being all gross and mushy, as usual. Tom says the world be a better place with more Elizabeth Wakefields, and Liz says that it might be better with more Elizabeths, but probably not Wakefields since Steven and Jessica are such fuck-ups. Nice. Elizabeth basically recaps the last chapter for Tom.
Lila goes to Fowler Enterprises, and instead of going right up to RobertGeorge, she insists on being announced. RobertGeorge is a patronizing dickhead to Lila, and thinks that she's there for a raise in her allowance. She bats her father around like a cat with a dead mouse, and finally tells him that the doughnut shop he's so interested in belongs to her. She tells him that the next day she's going to sign Lila's Doughnuts over to be a non-profit, and her dad's all, "You'll do no such thing! I'm RobertGeorge Fowler and I demand you sell me that property below market value right now!" Lila tells her dad to give her the price he wants to pay, and she'll double it. RobertGeorge is kinda pissed but more impressed.
Mike and Steven are at Last Stop Bar playing pool. Well, Mike's playing pool. He's afraid Steven will rip the felt so he won't let him. The bar's all seedy and Mike and Steven are all, "This is a guy's place! [told you there was something going on there] Look at all the slutty girls!" Some skanky redhead drapes herself all over Mike, and Steven offends him by saying his life is so great because he doesn't have to think of anyone but himself. Steven tells him to stop being a nancy boy, and then he rips the felt on the pool table.
Bruce and Lila are having dinner, and Bruce keeps wanting to be romantic, but Lila just wants to brag. She got three times RobertGeorge's original offer, plus 5% of the profits from the project go to the battered women's coalition. Bruce gets nervous that Lila would be so cutthroat with her own father. He imagines Lila driving a Rolls Royce with the vanity plate "WAS HIS." Bruce suggests that they draw up prenups "for fun." How awesomely insulting! Lila agrees.
Steven's sitting at the bar talking out loud about how awesome it is that he can stay out as late as he wants and doesn't have anyone to answer to. A skanky blonde girl comes up to him, and after some skanky flirting asks him to come home with her. He's walking with her, and suddenly turns the other way and goes home alone. How responsible. Of course a Wakefield would never have a one night stand.
Creepy Chas shows up at Billie's with flowers. There's some awkward flirting, then he asks her out, and she says no because she still loves Steven. She walks him out and kisses him on the cheek, and then she sees Steven. And he is pissed!
He runs up to Mike's apartment, and runs into Tom, who was picking up notes at someone's apartment down the hall. Tom tells Steven to put his jumping to conclusions mat away, and then says he has to go see Liz. Steven tells him that he's whipped, and Tom gets pissed. He tells Steven that he keeps talking about how he was just trying to be responsible and do the right thing, but he never talks about how he loves Billie. Steven gets all smiley and wants Billie back.
Steven runs back to the bar, and he tells Mike that he needs a horn to serenade Billie. I don't know. Mike says something about Steven's "now infamous tear in the pool table," and I'm doubtful that it became infamous in the span of 45 minutes. Whatever. Mike takes him to a pawn shop, and the woman running it is basically Miracle Max from "The Princess Bride," except she thinks true love is a noble cause. So she gives Steven one for free. Awesome.
Billie hears Steven playing the French horn terribly, and when she sticks her head out the window, Steven declares his love. They yell back and forth until the neighbors get pissed and tell him to just go up and hug her already. Steven runs up to the apartment and proposes. Again. I think this is the third time in as many books. I'd be like, "Sure, whatever, I'm fairly confident it'll be called off in 150 pages anyway."
Val and Jessica are doing inventory. Jessica's bored, and Val makes a comment about Jess going to class. Val keeps mentioning design school, and how she owes her awesome skillz to it. Jess finally asks what the deal is. Val says that Mike told her about their conversation, and she thinks Jessica should stay in school. Jessica is pissed and finally tells Val that Mike just wants her out of the way so he and Val can boink.
Lila and Bruce are working on their practice prenups. Lila thinks that if they split up, she should get Bruce's Jeep, clothes, and bank account. Because donating designer menswear is a great tax write-off. LOLZ. They start fighting over whose fault their fictional divorce is, and Bruce says Lila's taking everything. Lila let Bruce keep his sporting equipment, and Bruce points out that it was already his. They decide to stop this pre-prenup foolishness and make out some more. While they're smooching, they each think that they'll just go to their lawyers and have them draw one up...just for fun. The definition of fun is way different for the wealthy, apparently. My favorite way to have fun is to see how many drinks of my husband's wine I can take before he notices.
Ned is having a coronary because Steven and Billie are getting married. Apparently it's fine if Steve wants to "do the right thing" and "make an honest woman" out of Billie, but wanting to marry for love is rigoddamndiculous. I don't know why he's so up in arms. Zack and Kelly got married in college, and so did Cory and Topanga! Cory and Topanga are OTP, by the way. Alice keeps trying to calm Ned down, and he's just flailing about like a fish on a deck. He knocks over a bowl of peanuts and Alice is all, "I just vacuumed that rug!!! Don't you know I have OCD?! I'll cut you!" Steven explains that he loves Billie, and Ned says, "There's no reason to get married now. Before, when Billie was expecting the baby, you had no choice." Holy shit, is it 1955 already? Billie tells Ward and June Ned and Alice that she's still going to Spain, only now Steven's going to spend a semester abroad. Mr. Wakefield does an about face and gives the kids his blessing. Alice picks back up where she left off (being crazy and a control freak), and they decide to keep their original date. I think it's in like, a week or something. I don't get how people can do that. I had 18 months, and that was too long. I think a year would be perfect, but I'm also a procrastinator. Annnyyyway...
Tom and Elizabeth are talking about Billie and Steven's surprise engagement party. The guest list consists of all of Elizabeth and Jessica's friends, because apparently Steven and Billie have no friends of their own (except for Steven's friends from his super awesome Prelaw Society). Chas, I assume, is not invited. Bummer. They haven't picked out a location for the party, even though it's that evening. Mike walks into the restaurant, and Liz decides to have it at his place! Wizard! Mike gets all misty about Jess's guacamole. That's not a euphemism, by the way.
Mike and Jessica are setting up for the party (Liz left to get the cake), and Mike offers to make Jessica's favorite drink. No, not magical vodka punch! Seltzer with a splash of cranberry juice. I hang my head in shame, but I totally thought Jessica was hella sophisticated because she drank seltzer. Now I think of Eddie Murphy in Beverly Hills Cop: "Don't mix those drinks up...if I drink club soda I'll throw up." Jessica asks Mike to get a bowl down for her, and Mike says she never could reach that shelf. Jess is all, "Oh, good thing you're banging amazon Val now. SHE can reach everything." Jessica picks a fight with Mike about guacamole, but we all know it's about more than guacamole. Jessica starts talking about Val's mysterious backer, and Mike keeps trying to tell her something (I can't imagine what it is). Jess storms out, and Mike whips out his little black book and looks under "R." For "Redheads." Maybe I don't like Mike, after all.
Steven and Billie are surprised, and Billie observes that it's not just a surprise party, it's a surprise DANCE party. Because there's never dancing at a regular old party. Everyone starts slow dancing, and Billie thinks that their love is contagious. Gross. Jessica's all bummed that she's on the sidelines while everyone else is gettin' busy. Val's there (Why? Because she's friends with Mike?), and Jessica wonders if she cares that Mike's dry-humping some slutty redhead on the dance floor. Val is oblivious. Steven makes a toast and asks Mike to be his maid of honor (oops, I meant best man), and Jess is a selfish bitch and makes a huge scene. She says that she won't be in the wedding if Mike is. Val comes out and tells her to stop acting like a baby, and tells her that she's going to give her the 411 on her and Mike. Mike was a friend of Val's husband, who was a race-car driver, and who died in a crash on the raceway. Mike asked Val to look after Jess when she was working at Taylor's, and he also sold his Mustang to become Val's backer. And he did it all because he lurves Jessica.
Tom and Elizabeth are making out, and Elizabeth starts to tell Tom about the next day. Apparently everyone is going to the Wakefield's the next day to prepare for the wedding. Of course they are. Tom's hesitant to go because Alice is insane all the activity and running around makes him crazy, since last time it led to them fighting. And becoming accidentally pretend engaged.
Jessica goes back to Mike's, and he's kind of pissed at her for acting like a bitch. As he should be. She asks Mike why he didn't tell her he was the backer, and he says that he didn't think Jessica would have trusted him. And he was right. They make up, and Mike asks if he can take her out on a real date when they get to Sweet Valley. Jess says yes, and Mike agrees to be a perfect gentleman.
Bruce is getting ready to drive to Sweet Valley and doesn't really want Lila to drive with him, since he's going to meet with his lawyer to go over his fictional prenup. Everyone's going in a caravan, and Lila was supposed to ride with Jessica. She comes running up and jumps into Bruce's car, and he freaks out. Lila has Bruce drop her off at her black Miata. Because she has "errands" to run, too.
Steven stops at Mike's to thank him for the party, and Mike tells Steven that Jessica grew the hell up and isn't boycotting her brother's wedding anymore. Steven informs Mike that Alice has set the guest room up for him, and Mike recoils in horror. He'll stay at a hotel, thank you. Mike's the smartest person in this whole group, and that's saying a lot.
Tom, Elizabeth, and Jessica are driving to Sweet Valley, and Liz takes some detour so they can drive along the coast. Tom thinks it looks great, but it makes him sad to see the route they take to go home at holidays when he can't go anywhere for holidays. Because his family died. So he has to stay on campus alone. I feel for the guy, but does he have no friends he can go with?! Tom has to stay at Winston's, because Alice has "reserved the rooms for out-of-town guests." You know she's worried about Liz and Tom doing it. Not a problem, Alice! Jess is bitching about Alice being such a crazy control freak, and Tom and Liz tell her to chill the eff out. Tom starts to get nervous that the weekend will erupt into a bloodbath. He's probably right.
Billie's annoyed at all the people running around the Wakefield house because "it's her wedding and it seemed more like a prolonged house party for the twins and their friends!" Ungrateful much? Bitchy much? Jealous much? The minister is hella old, and while Steven and Billie meet with him, there are tons of distractions going on. Alice and Jessica are fighting about the souffle falling. Alice and Jessica fight all the time. The minister suggests Billie and Steven write their own vows. I don't know how people do that. Much like Jen Lancaster, I would like to use Homer's vows from "A Milhouse Divided."
Tom's getting in everyone's way, and feels all bummed that he's useless. He's like, "I just wanted to be treated like the gift that I am!" Elizabeth comes out and says that Alice wants them to pick up great-aunt Sylvia from the airport and bring her back to the house for the out-of-town relatives' dinner. Sylvia is senile, Elizabeth's never met her, Alice hasn't seen her in twenty years, and the only way they can identify her is by a photograph taken forty years ago. Sylvia also said she's bringing her husband Howard with her, but Howard's dead. This can only go well. Before they leave, Alice starts bitching to Elizabeth about Jessica. She says something about how much more responsible Elizabeth is than Jessica. She gushes so much, that I have a feeling Elizabeth might "bungle" this one.
Jessica and Mike are on a picnic date. Mike gives Jess her jacket, and when they start getting flirty, Mike suggests they go. Jess tells him to relax and just eat lunch. They decide to start over, and Jess opens the picnic basket. Mike made a sandwich with salami, onions, and "stinky" cheese. He also packed pickles marinated in garlic. Halitosis: the first line in defense against Jessica Wakefield.
Tom and Elizabeth get to the airport, and Sylvia's flight has already landed. She sees a woman in the same ruby red cat-eyed glasses Sylvia was wearing in the picture getting into a car with an old man, and logically assumes that Sylvia has been abducted. Alice is going to trade the twins in for the Olsens (remember, this was published when they were just innocent squillionaires).
Mike walks Jessica to her door, and when he leans in to kiss her, the door opens and all of her aunts start squealing. One of them comments on her figure. I'm shocked they don't know that it's a size six. Mike freaks out and runs away. Ha. The phone rings, and Alice says hello to Aunt Sylvia. It's totally Tom talking in an old lady voice. He says that she's too tired to come to the dinner, and Alice buys into it. Alice is a fucktard. Aunt Sylvia isn't at the hotel, and Elizabeth and Tom start to get nervous. Not nervous enough to tell an adult what happened (and have Elizabeth's reputation tainted with this failure?), or call the police to try and find her. They decide to go back to the Wakefield's and look for her the next day. Everyone at dinner asks about Sylvia, and Tom and Elizabeth keep telling stories that are contradictory to Sylvia's personality and lifestyle. Wackiness ensues.
Bruce meets with his lawyer, who of course thinks that this practice prenup is a capital idea. When he's walking out, he runs into Lila. Her lawyer is Bruce's lawyer's wife!!! OMG! They get in a fight, and the lawyers convince them to go into a conference room and talk things out.
Elizabeth goes to the rental car agency she saw the old man in front of, and of course they refuse to give out confidential information. And of course when she realizes that the sun shines out of Elizabeth's ass and is blinded by her halo, she tells her that Carl Lister checked out the car. And what luck! He's returning it to a town two and a half hours away that morning! They might make it if they leave right now! Are you on the edge of your seat, yet?
Steven's having issues writing his vows, and decides to take a break and read the paper. Wouldn't you know, there's an article about a study that says 50% of marriages end in divorce? Hate to break it to you, Stevie, but I think it's higher than that if you get married under the age of twenty. Tough break. He thinks that if he had a 50% chance of being struck by lightning whenever he went outside, he'd never leave the house! He goes to a bookstore and buys five books on marriage.
Bruce and Lila have spent their time in the conference room canoodling. They decide to let the lawyers negotiate their prenups. Wasn't that the point in the first place?
Elizabeth and Tom are in Santa Carmine at the boardwalk. They got to the car rental place too late. She calls Alice, and Alice freaks out and says that she expects this kind of selfish, irresponsible behavior from Jessica. Elizabeth tells her that her and Tom are spending the day with Sylvia. Then she sees the guy who abducted Sylvia. He looks an awful lot like Uncle Howard from the picture Elizabeth has. They chase after him, but lose him. Tom tries to get Liz to go back to Sweet Valley, but Liz refuses.
Mike and Jessica are at the Dairi Burger. Jessica says she ate their every day after high school, and Mike asks the question 1bruce1ers have been asking forever. How did she stay so damn thin? She admits to her eating disorder, and Mike immediately takes her to a clinic. After several months of intense counseling, she emerges a size eight, but more confident and ready to stop being such a selfish twat. Of course that's not true! She says it's her hot blood. They have meds for that, dude. Mike's being really wholesome, and Jess notices that he's wearing Steven's shirt. She realizes that he's trying to act like Steven. I personally would have thought Jessica would be into it, but that's just me. She tells Mike to cut it out, and he gets all sexified with her.
Billie can't find Steven anywhere, and she's getting annoyed. Alice is being a freak (I should just say Alice is being herself), and asks if Billie has decided between the pink and purple or yellow and white arrangements. She'd go for the pink and purple herself. I almost said that was gross, but my husband and I had hot pink, lime green, and a little purple, and it actually looked pretty chic. In my mind this is more lilac and pale pink and very "Steel Magnolias." Anyway, Billie says she's waiting for Steven's input, and Alice is all, "Oh, well, he's my son and I know he'd agree with me, so I'll just order the pink and purple." I say that I would slap the shit out of my mother-in-law, but this is totally something she would pull, and I know that I'd just smile and deal with it. Billie says she's waiting for Steven, and Alice is a passive aggressive bitch about it.
Steven comes swanning out, oblivious to everything. Billie freaks out on him, and he's all, "I'm sorry you feel that way. You're projecting. I'm glad you're using humor to defuse anger." Billie shows him the song list, and he says he couldn't possibly pick one, as each holds its own special meaning. If he picks one, that means that it holds more significance than another one, and tomorrow that might not be true. Steven's pretty funny when he's acting like a cult member. Steven's non-committal about the flowers, so Billie decides to tell Alice that he prefers the yellow and white. Ha.
Tom and Elizabeth have been up all night looking for Sylvia. She FINALLY decides to inform the Santa Carmine police, and they think Liz is insane. They pretty much laugh in her face, and Tom drags her away to get back to Sweet Valley. In the car, Liz keeps saying that the man Sylvia was with looks just like Howard. Tom says that she couldn't have seen Uncle Howard. It's impossible, even for her family. THEN he says that a lot of weird stuff happens to the Wakefields that doesn't happen to anyone else. That's the understatement of the century, yo. This leads to a fight about families and how Elizabeth thinks Tom thinks he'd be better off on his own. Nice.
Bruce and Lila walk into another conference room, and the lawyers are screaming and throwing things at each other. They've invented a beach house in Malibu for Bruce and Lila. These people are insane. The husband throws the wife's jacket down and jumps up and down on it. I guess all lawyers in Sweet Valley are as professional as Ned. Bruce and Lila run away and decide to put off their pre-prenup.
Elizabeth and Tom get to the Wakefield's, and Liz is freaking out about Alice decapitating her. They walk into the house, and it's total chaos. Jessica walks out to swim, and the pool has turned pink. Oh noes! You know Alice did that on purpose so Billie would have to go with the pink and purple flowers. Diabolical, that one. Denise is in the kitchen trying to make hors d'oeuvres because the caterer skipped town. His last clients came down with food poisoning. Isabella and Danny are fighting about vacuuming, and they end up getting the vacuum stuck on one of the tassels on Alice's Oriental rug. The bag explodes. Alice should've bought a Dyson, yo. Lila walks up to the door just as the delivery boy from the cleaners is dropping off Billie's dress. Lila asks how much it is, and the boy says it's on the house. Oh, and they didn't touch it-they just gave it a quick press. Then he runs away. Lila inspects the dress and finds a big stain on the back. This wedding is a disaster!
Steven's on the phone with Mrs. Winkler. She and her husband are stuck in Mexico because of a hurricane, and she's pissed because Steven doesn't seem to be taking it seriously. He's like, "Yeah, it's really sad. I'd even say it's tragic. But I won't get upset, because I don't engage in negative emotions like that anymore." Mrs. Winkler hangs up and says that she'll call back later to talk to Billie. Steven wanders off and thinks that if Billie's parents can't make it to their daughter's wedding, it just wasn't meant to be. He's evolved to a higher plane. He's part of Professor Finley's New Evolution.
Mike pulls up to the house and sees Winston trying to start his car. He tells Winston that he flooded the engine, and tells him to back the car up slowly and backwards. Winston pulls forward fast, and ends up running over the cable that runs electricity into the backyard. Awesome.
Liz finds Jess and asks where the bridesmaids dresses are. The milliner needs to match the ribbons on their hats with the buttons on their dresses. Gross, dude. Val hasn't brought the dresses yet, and Jess doesn't know what color buttons Val decided to use. Mike walks into the house to pick up Jessica, and sees the dirt all over the living room. He thinks the Wakefields should hire a maid since Alice isn't much of a homemaker. I wasn't kidding, dude, she will fucking cut you if she hears you talking like that. Ned walks up to him and says that as the best man, Mike should hold the rings. They belonged to his grandparents. And Ned can't find them. It's a comedy of errors, this wedding.
Alice finds Liz and kisses her ass about how awesome she is and how Alice wouldn't have been able to deal with all these incompetent assholes without her. Then she finds Billie and says that she ordered the purple and pink flowers. Billie's like, "Here's my switchblade, let's dance, bitch!!! She tells Alice that she wanted white and yellow, and Alice is like, "Um, no, we said that whatever Steven wanted I would order." Steven told both of them that either color would be fine. Steven refuses to adhere to this conflict, and will be damned if he has to decide on a color scheme! Alice is super generous and is like, "I'll call the florist back. It is your wedding, after all." What a bitch. That's the same shit my mother-in-law pulled on me about bridesmaids.
Billie goes off on Steven, and he says, "Conflict is a toxic state, and I refuse to be a part of it anymore." Billie almost slaps the shit out of him, but instead asks about his vows. He presents her with pages and pages of diagrams and charts and chicken scratches. Billie tells him that before the end of the day she wants to see 250 words or fewer that can be read at the ceremony.
Elizabeth and Jessica discuss the rehearsal dinner, and Elizabeth says she'll ask Ned what to do. See, this is why you should never try to throw a wedding together in three days unless you are a cucumber. As in, cool as a. Ned's frantically looking for the rings, and he tells Elizabeth to take his credit card and go to Alfredo's that night with Steven, Billie, Tom, Jess, and Mike. And, hey, guess what? Alfredo's is at Aunt Sylvia's hotel! Sweet!
They get to dinner and are discussing what to eat. Steven isn't eating anything, because there are no macrobiotic foods on the menu. Tom asks when he became macrobiotic, and Billie says he's just being difficult. Elizabeth butts in (I am SHOCKED) and says there has to be another reason. I swear, the Wakefields are my in-laws. That's where the animosity comes from. Mike says it's just nerves and he's having a hard time, and Jess gets really defensive. This leads to a big sexist brawl, and Billie asks if they're blaming her. Liz says it's no one's fault, Billie says it's Steven's fault, Jess defends Steven, Liz defends Billie, Billie yells at Liz, and Tom is shocked and mortified.
Steven finally says, "Excuse me?" When everyone ignore him he slams his hand on the table and yells, "ENOUGH!!" Billie says, "Oh, the prophet speaks," and Steven tells her not to make him more mad than he already is. Billie and Steven fight about how Steven's hiding his head in the sand for the sake of their marriage, and Billie thinks he's a dumbass. They get embarrassed and leave.
Bruce and Lila are having coffee at an outdoor cafe below their lawyer's office. They decide to cool it on the marriage talk, and then they make out. I love Bruce and Lila.
Everyone's still a little on edge and pissy at Alfredo's. Mike takes a bite of his dinner and declares it delicious...just like the pair of legs walking towards him. Gross. Mike, just when you're winning me back you turn into AC Slater. Turns out it's Gina! Mike jumps up to go talk to her, and Jessica's like, "Um, WTF do you think you're doing?" They walk over to her table and Gina says she's engaged. Jessica taps Mike on the shoulder and makes some bitchy comments, then flounces back to the table. Mike leaves Gina's table and makes it to the bar before Jessica jumps out and asks how he could embarrass her like that. They get in a fight, and Jess says that she wants Mike to be himself around her, but not around other women. Nice. They both storm out of the restaurant.
Tom and Elizabeth decide to stay at the restaurant a little longer, and Liz decides to try Sylvia's room one more time. She sees the man who kidnapped Sylvia in the lobby. It's Carl! Sylvia had left a message with the caterer at the Wakefield's house. Then the caterer ditched town and never delivered the message. Carl was the one in the picture with Sylvia. It was taken on a trip with Carl and his wife, and Sylvia and Howard. When Sylvia said she was bringing Uncle Howard, she meant she was bringing his ashes to sprinkle at Santa Carmine (where the photo was taken). Carl came from Alaska to sprinkle his wife's there, too. And Carl and Sylvia are in love!
Steven wakes his dad up at eleven that night. Steven says that he doesn't want to write his vows. Because he doesn't want to get married! Ned says that it's just prewedding jitters. Steven insists that they're not jitters, he's thought about it and he's not ready. Ned keeps persuading him that it's just jitters. Steven kind of sulks and says he's going to bed because he's getting married in the morning.
Jessica's cursing Mike's name. She's sleeping in a pink teddy and tap pants. How fancy! Jessica Wakefield doesn't need a man to dress sexy! She hears a noise and it's Mike throwing rocks at her window. He asks her to go for a motorcycle ride, and she agrees. I guess the Wakefields have changed their position on motorcycle riding since one of their daughter's was able to just end up in a minor coma instead of dying.
Billie's having a nightmare about her wedding, involving Alice weaving wilted pink and purple flowers in her hair, her parents not being present, and Steven chanting, "You will obey me" over and over. She wakes up and goes to knock on Ned and Alice's door. Ned comes out and walks over to Steven's door. He says he's not staying up all night over these damn jitters, so the two of them need to go downstairs and work it out themselves. That's actually some solid parenting, Ned. Even a broken clock's right twice a day, I suppose.
Mike and Jessica are at the beach, and they're talking about how Jess doesn't want Mike to flirt with other girls, but it's too intense when just the two of them are together. (?) He tells her he loves her and tells her to sleep on it. Mike drops Jess off, and when she gets into the house she hears a knock at the door. It's Liz! Jess thinks her and Tom were engaged in a little hanky-panky, but Liz just says she was having dinner with Carl and Sylvia. Because Liz Wakefield does not have teh sex! They walk into the living room and Ned's asleep on the couch. They wake him up and he fills them in on the Billie/Steven drama. Jess and Liz look in the kitchen and the two of them have their heads on the kitchen table asleep, holding hands. Ned says that they'll have to wait until the morning to decide if the wedding is still on.
Alice bursts into the kitchen screaming that it's ten am and she overslept and she has to put the canapes in! She starts barking orders and tells Billie and Steven to shower and get dressed because the wedding is at eleven thirty. Steven thinks that they've called off the wedding and he has to tell Alice. He's terrified to do this, with good reason. Because Alice is fucking insane. Billie and Steven are sitting at the table, and Alice screams at them to get moving. Billie tells Steven to tell her. Mrs. Wakefield says, "Tell me what?" And Billie says, "Nothing." Alice runs out of the room, and Steven and Billie call each other pansies. Steven says he's running away from home, and Billie points out that he doesn't even live there. LOLZ. They decide to have Ned do it, but he's smarter than he looks (not saying much, since he looks like this in my mind), and says hell to the no. They catch Elizabeth before she gets into the shower, and she transforms into Doormat!Liz and agrees to tell Alice. It's your funeral, dude.
Elizabeth finds Alice and tells her straight up that there will be no wedding. Alice stumbles backwards and turns pale and is like, "OMG, I did all this work for nothing?" Elizabeth says that they could still have a party (of course they could, it's Sweet Valley!). Alice says no, because a wedding is a celebration and there's nothing to celebrate now. How about celebrating the fact that your son didn't make a huge mistake and actually used his noggin for once? The doorbell rings and it's Sylvia and Carl. Sylvia's wearing a long cream dress and Carl's in a tux. Guess what happens? Guess, guess, guess!! They say that after Steven's wedding they're going to go to the justice of the peace and get married. Why, I have an idea! They could have it at the Wakefield's!! After all, it's already set up for a wedding, right?
Hey, Liz and I had the same idea! Alice is thrilled, of course. Tom walks Sylvia down the aisle. That's kind of sweet. Elizabeth is the maid of honor. Of course. Sylvia has the photo of her and Carl in a silver frame for something old, Billie's wedding purse for something new, Alice's ruby brooch for something borrowed, and Jessica gave her a blue ribbon for her hat. Sylvia thinks that she has such a lovely family, and she really should visit them more often. Yeah, she was only around them for twenty minutes. Longer than that and she'd be begging Carl to take her to Anchorage permanently.
Mike and Jessica are dancing, and Jessica pulls him away from everyone. They agree that their relationship is over, but that if something changes they can pick up where they left off. Jessica closes her eyes to be dramatic, and when she opens them Mike is gone.
Billie and Steven are dancing and happy that they didn't rush into marriage. Steven promises to visit Billie in Spain, and Billie promises to call once a week. Once a week? Really? If their relationship was so serious that they almost got married, I'd think she'd want to talk to him more than that. Maybe she's just not a phone person.
Aunt Sylvia throws her bouquet, and everyone runs away from it. Heh. I was at a wedding where that happened. I actually was a participant. The bride was not pleased.
There you have it, folks! After three books, no baby, no marriage (of our SVU friends, anyway), and no more doughnut shop. But everyone who reads Elizabeth's journalism paper is dead. And not because it's so boring and contrived, either. Is Elizabeth next? Don't tease me, Francine! Find out in the Thriller "Running for Her Life"!