Glad you posted something. Congrats on a successful virgin-flight into Heroes. I thought you did well. I do like this greatly. Number 4 was a big hit for me (barley keep himself from drowning- change to barely, easy mistake to make!) I love the part about it (the Hunger) coating Sylar towards being unrecognizable; it's so true. Some of Gabriel isn't hitting me, but that's just me. Number 8- curtain rode, change to 'rod', I think? Hope that's helpful. TBC! Woo hoo!
since you asked, here are corrections for the first fewrevdorothylMarch 11 2011, 21:56:34 UTC
Claire wouldn’t have thought she would know that Gabriel preferries White Peach tea over Earl Gray when he was stressed, that he only meat he likes is chicken...
Change 'preferries' to 'prefers', change 'was stressed' to 'is stressed' (since all the rest seems to be in present tense), and change 'he only meat' to 'the only meat'.
Gabriel had loved his mother more then anyone in the world.
Change 'then' to 'than' ('then' shows conditional or temporal relationships, but 'than' is used for comparisons). Then change 'subcomed to The Hunger' to 'succumbed to The Hunger.'
Change 'a agonizing, brutal, burning struggle' to 'an agonizing, brutal, burning struggle'
On #4 change 'quitatily of Gabriel’s eyes' to 'quality of Gabriel's eyes' and change '...condsiderdite, protective, posses a fierce...' to '....considerate, protective, possess a fierce...'
And I suspect you may have meant 'concrete' instead of 'concert' in the following: 'an unbreakable, concert solid constant for each of them'
And the rest . . .revdorothylMarch 11 2011, 22:05:23 UTC
In #6 change 'When Gabriel is concerting' to 'when Gabriel is concentrating' (unless you really did mean that he was playing a concert, and even then there's no such word as 'concerting').
In #9 change 'concept of magic tricks are completely' to 'concept of magic tricks is completely.' A lot of my students miss this, also, but 'concept' is the subject of the verb in that part of your sentence, and so the verb needs to be singular. When in doubt about what's the actual subject or verb and what's just window dressing hanging off of it, mentally eliminate all prepositional phrases (modifying phrases that start with a preposition like 'to', 'of', 'for', etc.). Grammatically speaking, 'of magic tricks' doesn't count for anything (as far as basic subject-verb relationships are concerned), since it's a prepositional phrase.
And in #10 change 'self loathing, vurnabitily' to 'self-loathing, vulnerability'.
Aside for a few grammatical issues the fic really has great threads of thought. I really could see number 8 so crystal clear in my mind! Sylar just staring at her for like a second in a bathroom dazzled in rainbows. Amazingness.
I feel as though #4 would be better if it were split up smaller. Sometimes it is better to have a bunch of smaller paragraphs than it is to have big ones. Also, perhaps increase the use of semicolons in that paragraphs. But I really loved the way you kept them separate but truly joined on a fundamental level.
I really loved it, honest.
Prepare yourself though... Season 2 is merely the tip of the Sylar/Claire iceburg!
Your spelling errors could be overlooked in light of your character voicing which was well done. I think you did a great job with Claire's take of where/and how far Gabriel has come and herself in understanding him as well.
Comments 5
Number 4 was a big hit for me (barley keep himself from drowning- change to barely, easy mistake to make!) I love the part about it (the Hunger) coating Sylar towards being unrecognizable; it's so true. Some of Gabriel isn't hitting me, but that's just me.
Number 8- curtain rode, change to 'rod', I think?
Hope that's helpful.
TBC! Woo hoo!
Reply
Change 'preferries' to 'prefers', change 'was stressed' to 'is stressed' (since all the rest seems to be in present tense), and change 'he only meat' to 'the only meat'.
Gabriel had loved his mother more then anyone in the world.
Change 'then' to 'than' ('then' shows conditional or temporal relationships, but 'than' is used for comparisons). Then change 'subcomed to The Hunger' to 'succumbed to The Hunger.'
Change 'a agonizing, brutal, burning struggle' to 'an agonizing, brutal, burning struggle'
On #4 change 'quitatily of Gabriel’s eyes' to 'quality of Gabriel's eyes' and change '...condsiderdite, protective, posses a fierce...' to '....considerate, protective, possess a fierce...'
And I suspect you may have meant 'concrete' instead of 'concert' in the following: 'an unbreakable, concert solid constant for each of them'
Reply
In #9 change 'concept of magic tricks are completely' to 'concept of magic tricks is completely.' A lot of my students miss this, also, but 'concept' is the subject of the verb in that part of your sentence, and so the verb needs to be singular. When in doubt about what's the actual subject or verb and what's just window dressing hanging off of it, mentally eliminate all prepositional phrases (modifying phrases that start with a preposition like 'to', 'of', 'for', etc.). Grammatically speaking, 'of magic tricks' doesn't count for anything (as far as basic subject-verb relationships are concerned), since it's a prepositional phrase.
And in #10 change 'self loathing, vurnabitily' to 'self-loathing, vulnerability'.
Reply
Aside for a few grammatical issues the fic really has great threads of thought. I really could see number 8 so crystal clear in my mind! Sylar just staring at her for like a second in a bathroom dazzled in rainbows. Amazingness.
I feel as though #4 would be better if it were split up smaller. Sometimes it is better to have a bunch of smaller paragraphs than it is to have big ones. Also, perhaps increase the use of semicolons in that paragraphs.
But I really loved the way you kept them separate but truly joined on a fundamental level.
I really loved it, honest.
Prepare yourself though... Season 2 is merely the tip of the Sylar/Claire iceburg!
Reply
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