Where I Can't Follow
Title: Where I Can't Follow
Pairing/Characters: YunJae, Yoochun, Junsu
Word Count: 1,711
Genre: Angst, Romance
Rating: PG
Summary: (Part two of the 'Where' series, sequel to Where Are You Now) He’d been telling himself lies for years, but now he didn’t have it in himself to believe them. Not anymore.
A/N: You don't actually have to have read the first fic to understand this one, but it couldn't hurt! I'd appreciate any feedback or thoughts you have c: Part 3 of this series is complete and will be up shortly.
10:09 PM
The flight back from Europe was long, so very long. The hours had dragged on, as endless as the emptiness Jaejoong felt within himself. Around him the deep whirring hum of the plane dampened the other noises inside the craft: voices murmuring, the faint beat of music from someone’s headphones, Junsu’s huffed breaths as he slept soundly against his shoulder. Jaejoong had been sitting with his eyes closed nearly the whole trip, but he hadn’t slept, not even for a moment. His mind was reeling with a violent storm; the thoughts in his head came and went in bewildering circles that he couldn’t hope to make sense of.
What he wanted more than anything was to go home; to sleep in his own bed and not have to worry about interviews, and photo shoots, and performances. Jaejoong opened his eyes to take in the darkness beyond the window pane. The worn and scratched surface reflected back at him the lie in his eyes. He’d been telling himself lies for years, but now he didn’t have it in himself to believe them. Not anymore. There was something he wanted more, had always wanted more than anything else. He didn’t know if he deserved to get it back.
In the grainy image on the glass his lips tightened into a bitter grimace. The sky outside seemed an unending blackness with not even a star visible amongst the clouds. Jaejoong let loose a weighty sigh as he refastened his seat belt; they would be landing soon. He closed his eyes, exhausted, and tried to lose his thoughts in the deep thrumming of the engines.
-----
10:21 PM
There was noise all around and someone was shaking his shoulder. Jaejoong started and realized he must have finally managed to fall asleep as the plane was landing. The hand pulled away when his eyes opened reluctantly. Junsu stood in the aisle next to their seats, looking down at him with concern. Their carry-on bags were already out of the overhead compartment and sitting on Junsu’s seat. Jaejoong stared at his friend dazedly, caught in a place between sleep and wakefulness that he wasn’t able to escape from.
“Hyung,” Junsu spoke softly, leaning toward Jaejoong to pick up the bags, “we have to go now.”
Rising unsteadily to his feet, he blinked with heavy eyelids and the cabin of the plane disappeared from his vision. He didn’t remember grabbing his bag and disembarking from the plane, but he must have done so because suddenly he was surrounded by flashes and screams and motion while he clutched his bag in his left hand. The din felt louder than any he had ever heard and the camera flashes were like strikes of lightning through his vision. The world seemed to tilt and blur before his eyes and he stumbled, eyelids flickering violently, as the handle of the bag slipped from his grip. If it weren’t for Junsu pressing the bag back into his unfeeling fingers and gently urging him to follow Yoochun, he would surely have been engulfed by the mob of fans and reporters.
The trio and their entourage hastily left the airport and bee-lined to the company van parked in the no-parking zone near the airport’s exit doors. The manager opened the side door of the van and Yoochun hoisted himself up and in. Clumsily, Jaejoong clambered in behind Yoochun. His head was spinning alarmingly as he hauled himself up into the vehicle; his hand gripping the seat in a vice-like fashion was the only thing that kept him from tumbling backward onto the pavement. The spinning in his head seemed to calm as he settled into his seat and leaned his head back against the headrest. Shakily, Jaejoong released the breath he had only just noticed that he had been holding. His eyes were fixed, unseeing, on the textured ceiling of the vehicle, his breathing still not as smooth as it should have been. Junsu climbed into the van, choosing to drape himself horizontally across the back seat. The door slid shut and the manager directed the vehicle through the crowd and onto the road.
From Jaejoong’s left, two hands reached over and clasped his left hand in between them.
“Are you feeling alright?” Yoochun asked, soft eyes peering inquisitively.
‘I don’t know anymore,’ Jaejoong wanted to say.
“I’m fine, Chunnie. Just tired,” he said instead, putting in conscious effort to paste what he hoped would be a believable smile across his face. He didn’t think he succeeded, and it would take a lot more than that to fool his best friend; his self-proclaimed soul mate.
Despite looking not entirely convinced, Yoochun didn’t press further. Jaejoong’s gaze returned to the ceiling and a part of him wished Yoochun had. He squeezed Yoochun’s hand to reassure his friend, or maybe to reassure himself. He didn’t know. Yoochun turned away from Jaejoong to gaze at the city flashing by outside the window with a subtle frown settled on his face.
The rest of the ride to their agency was spent in silence.
-----
11:17 PM
The three members of JYJ climbed out of the van when they arrived in the C-JES parking lot. They quickly retrieved their own luggage from the back as their manager, eager to head home, didn’t even get out of the van. Instead, he drove off after saying a hasty goodbye to them. Yoochun’s brother and Junsu’s mother stood there in the parking lot, awaiting the arrival of their loved ones. No one was there waiting for Jaejoong.
He stood to the side, somewhat awkwardly, as the families had their reunions. Yoochun and Yoohwan shared a tight hug, swaying from side to side with damp eyes as they embraced. Jaejoong smiled fondly at their open affection, but seeing it only made the ache in his chest throb painfully. He glanced to Junsu who laughed freely as his teary-eyed mother squeezed him half to death. His fist clenched tightly around the handle of his suitcase. The nails digging into his palm stung. His members were lucky; fortunate that their families were never far from them. Jaejoong’s parents rarely came to visit him from Gongju, and he rarely had time to make the trip home. He spoke to them regularly on the phone, but it wasn’t the same as seeing them, as embracing them, like Junsu and his mother were now, with laughter, and smiles, and tears.
Yoochun was excited to see his mother, so Yoochun and Yoohwan were the first to leave. The goodbyes were brief, but Yoochun held Jaejoong tightly for a moment and spoke softly into his ear before he settled himself into Yoohwan's car.
“Drive safe. Su-ah and I’ll be over for breakfast tomorrow like we promised, alright?” his warm hand rubbed up and down Jaejoong’s back reassuringly.
Jaejoong hummed his assent and stood motionless as he watched their car pull out of the lot.
The clacking of plastic wheels rolling over asphalt made him turn back. He saw that Junsu and his mother had begun to make their way, hand-in-hand, to their car. It was late, and Jaejoong decided he should be going as well. He wished he wasn’t just heading home to an empty apartment. Resigned, he slowly moved towards his car. His only companion was the rolling black suitcase trailing a half-step behind him.
Junsu turned to look at Jaejoong as he made his way across the parking lot, alone, to his own car.
“Hyung, you said you were tired, are you sure you should be driving? Do you want us to give you a ride home?” Junsu looked more concerned than his words let on.
“I’ll be fine on my own,” Jaejoong replied, looking away to pull out his keys.
‘I always am,’ he added silently. Even he didn’t know whether he was referring to always being fine or always being alone. Perhaps it didn’t matter.
“Besides,” he glanced back, “my place is in the opposite direction. You guys just head home; don’t worry about me, okay?” Jaejoong pressed the key into the car door more firmly to counter the tremor that had started in his hand. He observed himself critically in the driver’s side window. Jaejoong could better understand Junsu’s concern; he looked like he’d just been dragged through hell and back. Maybe because he had.
Jaejoong blinked, and reopened his eyes to see his weary reflection staring back at him from within sleek metal doors. He had no memory of getting in the car, but the parking lot and the car were gone, and so was Junsu. The apartment building elevator dinged to signal its arrival at his floor. He blinked again uncertainly before tightening his grasp on the handle of his rolling suitcase and exiting into the hallway. With unsteady steps, he made his way to the doorway. For a moment he simply stood there regarding the door unsurely, then he began rooting through his jacket pocket to find the key fob.
With shaking hands Jaejoong held the oblong key up to the sensor pad, but the door didn’t unlock. Confused, he tried again, but the door remained locked. He shoved the key fob into his pocket roughly, and entered his pass code with clumsy fingers. Still, the door would not open. With a frustrated noise, he jostled the handle roughly in a futile attempt to force the door open.
“Shit,” he exclaimed under his breath, banging his forehead against the door.
Dizziness began to creep upon him like it had done in the airport. Everything was spinning again, but this time no one was there to help him. As his vision blurred and flickered, he was forced to close his eyes. He slumped more heavily against the door, his right hand trembling on the doorknob. The world shifted around him, turning sideways, and then he was falling into nothingness.
-----
(unknown)
Jaejoong floated somewhere warm and he felt weightless. He could feel his body, yet he felt disconnected from it. No matter how hard he tried, his eyes wouldn’t open and his throat couldn’t make a sound. He could hear voices somewhere nearby, muffled as if he was hearing them from underwater.
“...bad... what do... hospital...” someone spoke.
He could feel a gentle touch across his forehead.
“... crazy?... we can’t... call someone...” this time it was a different voice.
The hand pulled away, and he drifted into unconsciousness.
( Part 3)