ot4 - 71 (broken)
Title: ...and then i walked away
'Verse/characters: ot4 (nash and daniel)
Prompt: 71 - broken
Word Count: 1173
Rating: pg for a teeny bit of swearing
Notes: uh... they're all living together in san francisco, francis hasn't been born yet, and this is kind of excessively emotionally hurt/comfort-y, at least for me.
Daniel has just closed his book, turned off the lamp on his nightstand, made sure his alarm is set, and gotten halfway to sleep when someone opens his door a crack, sidles into the room, and closes the door behind them. Daniel rolls over to watch Nash pick his way quietly across the floor. (He knows it's Nash because Megan and Neil would both knock. Nash is the only one who always assumes that he is welcome anywhere in the house at any time.) He waits until Nash has crawled under his covers and settled himself before asking "So what's wrong?"
There's the briefest of pauses, during which time Daniel can almost hear Nash's assumption that he was asleep realigning itself. "Why would anything be wrong?" Nash finally answers.
"Because you climbed into bed with me but you're not climbing all over me."
There's another pause. Daniel wonders what the problem is.
"I met my father for lunch today," Nash says.
"I thought you weren't talking to each other."
"I did not do any talking. But he thought it was about time for another round of Judge My Younger Son's Choice of Career and Every Decision He's Made Since He Left for College."
"Oh. I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize. I should have known better."
Nash has his back to Daniel, but Daniel doesn't mind. He props his head up on his elbow and watches Nash's shoulders, the back of his head.
"He said I was a disappointment, Daniel. Me. A disappointment. The lectures I've given, the papers I've published, the work that I've done, my degrees, my honors, all the hours that I've put in - I am a certifiable genius, and I am a disappointment. I do not disappoint people."
Of course not, Daniel thinks. Just me. Or Megan. Sometimes Neil. The secretaries in your department. Every girl you ever promised to call.
Nash sighs. "I sat there for twenty minutes listening to him tell me everything I was doing was wrong. He thinks I'm wasting my time. I love my job, Daniel. I love the giant puzzle that is chaos theory. I will figure it out if it takes me the rest of my life, and it will. After twenty minutes he told me what I did - what I love - has no value. And I left. I just walked away."
"You stormed out of the restaurant." Daniel can picture the scene in his head. In all the years he's known Nash, he's met the elder McGowan maybe four times and none of them for very long, which is sad considering they all live in the same city, but he can conjure up someone who looks a little bit like Nash, but older, and he can imagine dad lecturing and Nash getting mad enough to stomp out.
"That too," Nash says.
"You didn't throw anything?"
"I was in a public place, Daniel. Give me some credit." He sounds tired. Daniel feels bad for him.
"I'm sorry," he says again.
"My brother," Nash says quietly, "always did what my father wanted him to. He became what my father wanted him to be. But I was encouraged to do my own thing. It was cute when I was sixteen and I wanted to be Richard Feynman and go out with the head of the debate team. Not so cute when I'm twenty-nine and live with roommates. And now my father's pissy because he doesn't approve of the choices I've made."
"You're not just talking about physics, are you."
"No."
"He doesn't approve of me."
"He doesn't know you."
"Or Megan, or Neil."
"I don't talk to my father about my personal life in any detail, Daniel."
"Then what doesn't he approve of?"
"I'm not my brother."
"Do you want to be?"
"Sometimes... I think it would be easier."
Daniel has known Nash long enough to know there are some things about which he is brutally honest - his work, his history of sleeping around, his occasional tendency to be a jackass in relationships - and there are times when you can maybe believe half of what comes out of his mouth, if that. Anything he says about his family, Daniel has decided, is probably a lie, or the truth stretched so far it may as well be.
But Daniel also knows that if Nash is tired enough, or upset enough, or angry enough, you'll get the real story.
And this, he thinks, what Nash is telling him now, this is the unvarnished, tarnished truth. This is something Daniel might never hear again.
He's actually ok with that.
He reaches out and rests his hand on Nash's shoulder.
"Nash - "
"Daniel. Stop it."
"Stop what?" He resists the urge to take his hand away.
"You want me to keep talking. You're going to ask me something in a minute. Don't deny it, I can hear you thinking. I'm done, Daniel. It's over."
Daniel knows Nash doesn't just mean the conversation.
"Turn around?" he says. He can't help that it comes out more a question than a command. He feels Nash's sigh more than hears it, and then Nash flops onto his back and pushes the heels of his hands into his eyes.
"I'm fucking exhausted. Just... let me go to sleep."
"Well, I can't really kick you out now." Daniel scoots closer until he's practically pressed against Nash's side, and pulls Nash's hands away from his face. "Look at me for a minute." Nash turns his head. In the dark it's hard to see, but Daniel thinks he can read resignation on Nash's face. It makes his heart hurt. He lays his palm against Nash's cheek, fingers lightly brushing over Nash's hair.
"Promise me something," Nash says softly. He closes his eyes. "If the unthinkable should happen and I have a kid, promise me you won't let me do to him what my father did to me."
"I promise." Daniel stretches up and kisses Nash on the forehead.
Nash rolls over onto his side, facing Daniel now, and makes himself comfortable with Daniel's pillow and blankets. Daniel brushes Nash's hair back from his face, even after Nash has clearly fallen asleep, and tries to think of something he could say or do to make this better. He has a good relationship with his own dad, and while the elder McKenna hasn't approved of everything his son has done, Daniel knows his dad loves and supports him. He can't imagine them having the kind of blow-out that Nash has apparently had with his father.
Daniel doesn't think there's anything he can do for Nash, at least nothing he hasn't been doing already. He and Neil and Megan are Nash's chosen family, and they're closer than his blood family will ever be.
Besides, if Nash feels the need to play son to someone's father, he has three to choose from.
And in the meantime, Daniel loves him more than his father ever could, and while it's not the same, it's not a bad thing to have.
'Verse/characters: ot4 (nash and daniel)
Prompt: 71 - broken
Word Count: 1173
Rating: pg for a teeny bit of swearing
Notes: uh... they're all living together in san francisco, francis hasn't been born yet, and this is kind of excessively emotionally hurt/comfort-y, at least for me.
Daniel has just closed his book, turned off the lamp on his nightstand, made sure his alarm is set, and gotten halfway to sleep when someone opens his door a crack, sidles into the room, and closes the door behind them. Daniel rolls over to watch Nash pick his way quietly across the floor. (He knows it's Nash because Megan and Neil would both knock. Nash is the only one who always assumes that he is welcome anywhere in the house at any time.) He waits until Nash has crawled under his covers and settled himself before asking "So what's wrong?"
There's the briefest of pauses, during which time Daniel can almost hear Nash's assumption that he was asleep realigning itself. "Why would anything be wrong?" Nash finally answers.
"Because you climbed into bed with me but you're not climbing all over me."
There's another pause. Daniel wonders what the problem is.
"I met my father for lunch today," Nash says.
"I thought you weren't talking to each other."
"I did not do any talking. But he thought it was about time for another round of Judge My Younger Son's Choice of Career and Every Decision He's Made Since He Left for College."
"Oh. I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize. I should have known better."
Nash has his back to Daniel, but Daniel doesn't mind. He props his head up on his elbow and watches Nash's shoulders, the back of his head.
"He said I was a disappointment, Daniel. Me. A disappointment. The lectures I've given, the papers I've published, the work that I've done, my degrees, my honors, all the hours that I've put in - I am a certifiable genius, and I am a disappointment. I do not disappoint people."
Of course not, Daniel thinks. Just me. Or Megan. Sometimes Neil. The secretaries in your department. Every girl you ever promised to call.
Nash sighs. "I sat there for twenty minutes listening to him tell me everything I was doing was wrong. He thinks I'm wasting my time. I love my job, Daniel. I love the giant puzzle that is chaos theory. I will figure it out if it takes me the rest of my life, and it will. After twenty minutes he told me what I did - what I love - has no value. And I left. I just walked away."
"You stormed out of the restaurant." Daniel can picture the scene in his head. In all the years he's known Nash, he's met the elder McGowan maybe four times and none of them for very long, which is sad considering they all live in the same city, but he can conjure up someone who looks a little bit like Nash, but older, and he can imagine dad lecturing and Nash getting mad enough to stomp out.
"That too," Nash says.
"You didn't throw anything?"
"I was in a public place, Daniel. Give me some credit." He sounds tired. Daniel feels bad for him.
"I'm sorry," he says again.
"My brother," Nash says quietly, "always did what my father wanted him to. He became what my father wanted him to be. But I was encouraged to do my own thing. It was cute when I was sixteen and I wanted to be Richard Feynman and go out with the head of the debate team. Not so cute when I'm twenty-nine and live with roommates. And now my father's pissy because he doesn't approve of the choices I've made."
"You're not just talking about physics, are you."
"No."
"He doesn't approve of me."
"He doesn't know you."
"Or Megan, or Neil."
"I don't talk to my father about my personal life in any detail, Daniel."
"Then what doesn't he approve of?"
"I'm not my brother."
"Do you want to be?"
"Sometimes... I think it would be easier."
Daniel has known Nash long enough to know there are some things about which he is brutally honest - his work, his history of sleeping around, his occasional tendency to be a jackass in relationships - and there are times when you can maybe believe half of what comes out of his mouth, if that. Anything he says about his family, Daniel has decided, is probably a lie, or the truth stretched so far it may as well be.
But Daniel also knows that if Nash is tired enough, or upset enough, or angry enough, you'll get the real story.
And this, he thinks, what Nash is telling him now, this is the unvarnished, tarnished truth. This is something Daniel might never hear again.
He's actually ok with that.
He reaches out and rests his hand on Nash's shoulder.
"Nash - "
"Daniel. Stop it."
"Stop what?" He resists the urge to take his hand away.
"You want me to keep talking. You're going to ask me something in a minute. Don't deny it, I can hear you thinking. I'm done, Daniel. It's over."
Daniel knows Nash doesn't just mean the conversation.
"Turn around?" he says. He can't help that it comes out more a question than a command. He feels Nash's sigh more than hears it, and then Nash flops onto his back and pushes the heels of his hands into his eyes.
"I'm fucking exhausted. Just... let me go to sleep."
"Well, I can't really kick you out now." Daniel scoots closer until he's practically pressed against Nash's side, and pulls Nash's hands away from his face. "Look at me for a minute." Nash turns his head. In the dark it's hard to see, but Daniel thinks he can read resignation on Nash's face. It makes his heart hurt. He lays his palm against Nash's cheek, fingers lightly brushing over Nash's hair.
"Promise me something," Nash says softly. He closes his eyes. "If the unthinkable should happen and I have a kid, promise me you won't let me do to him what my father did to me."
"I promise." Daniel stretches up and kisses Nash on the forehead.
Nash rolls over onto his side, facing Daniel now, and makes himself comfortable with Daniel's pillow and blankets. Daniel brushes Nash's hair back from his face, even after Nash has clearly fallen asleep, and tries to think of something he could say or do to make this better. He has a good relationship with his own dad, and while the elder McKenna hasn't approved of everything his son has done, Daniel knows his dad loves and supports him. He can't imagine them having the kind of blow-out that Nash has apparently had with his father.
Daniel doesn't think there's anything he can do for Nash, at least nothing he hasn't been doing already. He and Neil and Megan are Nash's chosen family, and they're closer than his blood family will ever be.
Besides, if Nash feels the need to play son to someone's father, he has three to choose from.
And in the meantime, Daniel loves him more than his father ever could, and while it's not the same, it's not a bad thing to have.