Rant from earlier in April...
04/02/2007
Honesty. I haven’t thought about that character trait in a long time. I might not be living in that much in a state of honesty right now. I think that I value some things too much right now, namely money. I watched 13 going on 30 just a bit ago and it was sad; bittersweet although happy in the end. Jenna, the main character goes through life and when she is 13 on her birthday she snaps and has a massive change of mind that flings her down a wicked and deceptive path in life. She completely blows off the boy in her life that was sooo sweet to her and goes off to become best friends with the leader of the ‘plastics’… that is to say the lying, mean, but oh so cool and popular girl click and goes on to become very successful and wealthy. But, she has more or less a nervous breakdown in the middle of her ‘dream’ life of being so successful and wishes she could undo everything she did to lose the more real side of herself before she gave in to the lies of image. She wants to go back to being true to herself and being honest…
She goes on to get that of course and when she wishes it hard enough she wakes back up at being 13 but with the knowledge of where that decision she was about to make was going to take her. With that knowledge she proclaims her true self to the world with exuberance and supposedly lives happily ever after. Ahhh… It was a cute movie.
Right now I have some issues in my life I am struggling with. I am making efforts to be more sincere to myself through self reflection. But, at the same time I am watching myself go down the path I’ve already been on at the same time. It’s kinda trippy. I have this stray dog living with me at my house right now that we’ve named Brigand. Brigand the dogface! She was found a few weeks back by Willow running around the neighborhood rampant with her boy version sibling I imagine. These two dogs which are supposedly about 6 months were supposedly ditched one random day… Now, I have had premonitions before about taking in a stray dog and what that symbolizes. It’s a very blessed thing to do, the act of taking in a stray. The more that I think about it I realize that I have always heard and lived in the message of taking in what we call the indigent and lifting them up. It’s part of the message I saw and heard when I had my first adult religious experience. I remember that tennis player on TV (Roger Federer in his youth perhaps?) saying the first words after I came to from that experience. He was asked by a reporter, “What is it that makes you so passionate on the court and in life?” He responded, “I do it all for God.” Then they went on to talk about how his wife was someone living in poverty at the time and that through his love for her and their mutual love for God that they were both lifted up. It was a beautiful and selfless message that I got from that. I was with Joe Fekete at the time and we had just got done having a very heart to heart conversation about each other and what we liked about each other. Joe was so kind and sincere in his blessings and praise for me and it was like he just summoned the Holy Spirit that I saw to make itself manifest for that moment and just show me a glimpse of It’s grandeur. It was awesome that moment. It was real too.
Now as I sit here typing I am at another crossroad in life as we all always are. I think that I need to proclaim here and now two selfless acts that I must make. #1: I must keep Brigand and make her my own. For better or for awesome! #2: I must tell Nashan that no more will I accept money for doing appraisal work for him. If he insists I will have to consider it on a case by case basis but I will not be charging him anything anymore. After having gone up to see the waterfall property with him this last Saturday I have changed. I would much rather be a true partner to Nashan than to have him keeping me on retainer as a professional appraiser. He needs my professional market expertise as much as I need his expertise in relating with normal people. Something I seem to have lost as of late.
That brings me back to what I originally started the journal entry with. Am I being true and honest to myself and others in life right now? What am I trying to do here with my time on this planet? As I watch these words manifest themselves and know that I have a constant opportunity to assist in the way they are molded I ask myself, “What is it in life I wish to accomplish?”
Transcendence. Teaching transcendence but not just in the spiritual form but in the physical as well. I believe that each of us living breathing beings known as humans have a spark of God within us that desires to be unleashed to do it’s bidding on the earth. And as more of us awaken this so called Giant Within I feel that the need to examine ourselves and the consequences of our actions has never been more paramount. It’s like the entire theme of my thought pattern. Each of us has the power at this moment and the coming moments in time to alter the entire course of where this human experience is taking us. And I think we each need to believe this on faith alone, and to just trust in that inner guiding all knowing spark of divinity that gnaws us to think about things and to reflect and to examine our thoughts and actions. What are we but automatons or robots if we don’t honestly consider the mounting evidence through scientific and etymological research that is making it more and more clear that we each are divinity in disguise? Nothing! We are but mere mammals with MASSIVELY oversized brains that walk into our own demise not bothering to wonder why. Just wonder why… Ok, so that’s a bit deeper than I really even know myself or wish to even try to fully understand at this time. I just want to live these thoughts more. I need to stop living by this instilled ambition of greed and excessive material wealth that carrot and sticks me into having and doing more and more. I’m not saying that having stuff or making money is evil, but the intention behind the desire to do these types of things can very easily turn what I might be telling myself are good intentions into bad ones just by the very law of karma. Sooooo….. I think what I’m trying to say to myself is that I need to be more honest and sincere. Starting with myself and then to others. Or else what else am I building in life but a façade? GRrrrr. We all know how much I love facades and decorative windows shutters…. They’ll sure as shit weather the storm…. Yeah… Right.