Do or die...
04/17/2007
Do or die…
Hi again journal. I’ve been feeling a lot better since my last entry even though my work situation has practically come to a head with maximum frustration and stress. It’s very ironic to be myself in the middle of this and feel very optimistic about life and my future while I’m getting ready to pull what might turn out to be an all-nighter at the office to get caught up on my work… but I am. Do or die is what I’m calling this journal entry because I am to do what is calling me from within or die. Not literally but figuratively. I plan on this Friday to approach Steve Johnson, my boss at work and tell him that I’ve been going out of my mind, going through serious depression and not being able to have a ‘life’ because of my work and request that I get put to part time work or I’ll quit entirely. I want to work just 2.5 days a week or no more than 8 appraisals top per week so I can have 4 days off and 3 days on. I just can’t do the 5 - 2 anymore because it always ends up being a 50 hour work week or a Mon-Sun job.
Steve’s boss Al was just in today to have his bi-annual meeting with the branch. We are to have 40 offices nationwide by the end of this year and we are already the largest appraisal company on the planet, and were continuing to grow. The company is doing fascinating things as a whole but I don’t feel fulfilled here obviously. Al approached me the last time he was here two years ago to consider opening a branch by myself and I feel that the offer is still on the table to me if I were to choose it. Maybe Portland Oregon some day, maybe not… But it’s flattering at least to know that I am looked up to by my superiors as a leader in the organization even if I am leading from well deep within the ranks. I am happy with my life path however. I have came very far for being only 25 years old and I have a bright future indeed. I’m learning things that most people spend a whole lifetime not uncovering and I haven’t even taken a college class that wasn’t music related. It’s great! Al was talking to us about how we fit in with the whole corporate environment today and he his ra-ra theme of the moment was ‘today’s work today’. Very cliché but what else is to be expected from a company that has outgrown it’s self like a 9 month old puppy and hasn’t quite learned how to be in it’s full size body… Very much like that. So, he was telling us…. “every appraiser needs to be committed to doing there work today and not going home until it is turned in whether that’s at 1PM, 4PM, 7PM or Midnight…” and “It’s for your own good because then your work for the day is off your mind and you can forget about it and live your life. We all want you to have good lives and that’s why I’m here telling you this.” Now, he has a good point but he went on to chop down my coworkers comment that we get a LOT of difficult assignments here in Spokane like waterfront, earth berm homes, shop houses, crazy acreage properties, etc. and how that sometimes the work just piles up and it’s not feasible to get today’s work turned in today. This is pretty much how I feel most of the time on the job. And, more than anything else it affects my personal life robbing me of energy and enthusiasm.
So basically I’ve been trying to clear my mind lately by meditating, smoking weed, reading about deep spiritual topics, writing in the journal, talking to friends, and even accepting my sister’s offer to try her anti depressant pills and I have mustered up the courage to do the deed. I’ve been talking and talking about how the job is this problem and that problem and this frustration and this that and the other and I don’t like how I must appear to others. I value keeping my word and I have been tripping up on that belief lately. Yup. It’s going down this way and I’m confident that I have the money situation under control too as I’ll be taking a pretty hefty cut in pay by doing this. But really that doesn’t seem to matter at all. I’ve spent too much of my adult life dwelling my thoughts on money and I’m pretty good at getting it and keeping it hanging around. So for me to grow into better things I need to just stop focusing on it and free it in faith that if I’m to have money in my life that it will naturally be there. There are too many TOO MANY other wondrous things in the world that make money pale in comparison, the forces of nature and there natural displays of constant beauty, friendships and family members, encounters with strangers, wonders of the world and travel that I haven’t even experienced yet! This is a universe of abundance! It’s crazy. I really feel optimism reentering my life and it’s been a long spell of bad mental times for me in spite of all my material success. I can do this and it will feel good to step out in faith again into the world while standing up for what I believe in. I’m not tempered to be a nose to the grindstone kind of a guy. I’m good at being corporate because I’m willing to play the ‘games’ inside the company to make the money go round; but I don’t get fulfillment out of it. I want to create my own more magnificent marks on the world and show a different way to my own self and others. I just can’t do that working under my current employers roof 50+ hours a week… There’s no time for all I want and all my employer wants. And sorry but I’m more important.