Personal Feelings, Etc.
I've decided to write this down, so I don't forget it, like so much of what I feel. I want to remember this tomorrow. I'll try and gather my thoughts and feelings as best as I can.
Too many times have I put my own wants and needs before others. This might be a virtue to some, but I've grown to resent this about myself. What would make me happy? What do I want? I want her to be happy. That would make me happy. In her happiness I would find my own. Thats what I want to to believe, but sadly, thats not so. It seems like when she's happiest, I'm on the brink of killing myself.
For some reason, I don't have the burning urge to fuck, like almost every other male of 17 years. I've never been a very sexual person, nor do I want to be. Sex is usually the farthest thing from my mind when I'm with her, but why? is another discussion altogether. I've yearned for things that most people don't have or want until they're old enough to run for president. I've learned that theres too much time in life to be obessessed with something as insignificant as sexual pleasure or fleeting infatuation with shallow emotions right now. You can get that from anyone. You can't, however, find someone that you can share your self with everyday. They say ignorance is bliss, and its true. If I didn't yearn for something more, I'd settle for the superficial gratification that half of everyone around me can take for happiness.
To the point, I want what any one with a heart wants, and thats Love. Not just for someone to love me, but to love someone. I want that more than anything. I want to be the one that will love no matter what. The unbreakable chain, the unmovable rock, the root that stays rooted. I want to give love to someone who needs it as badly as I want to give it.
I've hurt myself with this selfless attempt at happiness that seemingly leads to nowhere. Too much. This logic defies my mind, but I guess I'm the creator of this hell. I've put myself in it. I'd like to blame this all on myself, but I'm not sure I can do that. This isn't all my fault is it? In the end, I guess it isn't, but I'm not going to blame her.
I want so much to give my heart to someone, and I have, but with no expectation of reciprocation. Because I don't want or expect anything in return, except to know that she's happy. I've been hurt because of this, but this hasn't, and most likely won't stop me from giving all that I can, because I want to and because she needs someone to. I know she would hate to hear me tell her what she needs, but this I know. Hurt and disillusionment is all this one has seen in their short time courting the opposite sex. Nothing would satisfy me more than to take her into my arms and help her forget those times of pain.
Why am I not happy? Is this all for naught? Does she want my love? Theres still so many questions I don't have answers to.
Too many times have I put my own wants and needs before others. This might be a virtue to some, but I've grown to resent this about myself. What would make me happy? What do I want? I want her to be happy. That would make me happy. In her happiness I would find my own. Thats what I want to to believe, but sadly, thats not so. It seems like when she's happiest, I'm on the brink of killing myself.
For some reason, I don't have the burning urge to fuck, like almost every other male of 17 years. I've never been a very sexual person, nor do I want to be. Sex is usually the farthest thing from my mind when I'm with her, but why? is another discussion altogether. I've yearned for things that most people don't have or want until they're old enough to run for president. I've learned that theres too much time in life to be obessessed with something as insignificant as sexual pleasure or fleeting infatuation with shallow emotions right now. You can get that from anyone. You can't, however, find someone that you can share your self with everyday. They say ignorance is bliss, and its true. If I didn't yearn for something more, I'd settle for the superficial gratification that half of everyone around me can take for happiness.
To the point, I want what any one with a heart wants, and thats Love. Not just for someone to love me, but to love someone. I want that more than anything. I want to be the one that will love no matter what. The unbreakable chain, the unmovable rock, the root that stays rooted. I want to give love to someone who needs it as badly as I want to give it.
I've hurt myself with this selfless attempt at happiness that seemingly leads to nowhere. Too much. This logic defies my mind, but I guess I'm the creator of this hell. I've put myself in it. I'd like to blame this all on myself, but I'm not sure I can do that. This isn't all my fault is it? In the end, I guess it isn't, but I'm not going to blame her.
I want so much to give my heart to someone, and I have, but with no expectation of reciprocation. Because I don't want or expect anything in return, except to know that she's happy. I've been hurt because of this, but this hasn't, and most likely won't stop me from giving all that I can, because I want to and because she needs someone to. I know she would hate to hear me tell her what she needs, but this I know. Hurt and disillusionment is all this one has seen in their short time courting the opposite sex. Nothing would satisfy me more than to take her into my arms and help her forget those times of pain.
Why am I not happy? Is this all for naught? Does she want my love? Theres still so many questions I don't have answers to.