onlayforlu fic: remember what your heart is actually for; [exo] lay/luhan
For yolseo
Title Remember What Your Heart Is Actually For
Pairing Lay/Lu Han
Rating pg-13
Word Count 3654
Summary Yixing thinks about unimportant things during an important time. Alternatively: three times Lu Han asked Yixing to get married. Samumenco AU.
The first time Lu Han had brought it up he was naked and Yixing was delirious with white-hot rage. The kind of rage that muddles your reasoning, makes you say stuff you don't really mean, makes you do things you know you'll regret later on. Yixing had been too busy zeroing in on the kid Lu Han was so adamant at protecting to be bothered by the dick in front of his face.
"I'll do all the things your girlfriend would've done!" Lu Han had yelled, sounding desperate, and after the incident he did just that. When Yixing's wounds opened Lu Han was there to wipe it clean. He patched the wounds up so tight Yixing felt his arms grow cold. For days Yixing went to the police station sporting bandages on both wrists and had to always explain that he wasn't suicidal.
"I got abducted by a kid," Yixing said. "He handcuffed me to a pole." It was the truth. His co-workers either laughed or got worried, not sure whether he was joking. He'd always said it a straight face, but their concerns eventually got to him so he said, "Just kidding?" He left the question mark on purpose.
Lu Han took care of him extra well. "You're the only friend I have," Lu Han had said, countless of times, but that was before everybody else came into the picture. Before he met Yixing he had only his manager to talk to, and even then he couldn't speak of his deeds as a vigilante superhero. In fact, it was during a night of playing vigilante superhero that he met Yixing. He was also naked then. Then he met Zitao, then he met the other Flamenco girls, then he met Red Axe, then he met the Flamengers. He never stopped meeting new people. Except it was Yixing he always returned to, which was comforting in ways Yixing never knew possible. But Lu Han's friendship came with something that was both a burden and a blessing: he was too damn obsequious.
Lu Han made him lunch one time. He slept at Yixing's apartment the night before, woke up early to burn Yixing's breakfast, and tried again hours later to produce an edible lunch. Yixing took it out during lunchtime at work. It was covered in red cloth, and the flaps made it look like a rectangular bunny. There was a note attached to it. fighting!!! it said, with what seemed like a poorly drawn Samurai Flamenco head. Behind him a co-worker snorted so hard the air hit the back of his head.
"Your girlfriend made you lunch?" he asked. Yixing looked up in time to see not so much incredulity but envy in his features. It had been misplaced jealousy, so Yixing didn't let himself feel too good about it.
"It's not--" he said, cheeks warming up. It's not what you think it is, is what he'd intended to say. She's not my girlfriend, if he were to be more specific. "Yeah, she did," he'd said in the end, thinking, he's not even a she.
The second time Lu Han brought it up he asked "What do you think?" and Yixing had said, very carefully, "I think you're insane. That's what I think." The screen froze on Lu Han's pout as if on purpose. Whatever he said next Yixing didn't bother listening to. It had been too easy to ignore Lu Han's whines of protests when he wasn't moving. Yixing had a hard time looking at Lu Han's frozen face, seeing the honest seriousness in his grainy eyes. He was not so much surprised by the outrageous proposal as he was insulted because really? Really? Lu Han didn't know what he was talking about. He didn't understand what Yixing felt. Lu Han didn't understand how it felt to have the same words he'd wanted to say to her from the bottom of his heart stolen by someone who knew nothing about it, didn't understand how it felt to feel not so much shackled as unable to move on and then hear those words as if they were easily digested, easily accepted, easily talked about, as if asking Yixing "Would you like to eat curry?" because he knew Yixing didn't say no to curry. Was Lu Han so stupid to think he'd actually say yes?
He hadn't meant for his thoughts to turn from incredulous to callous in the span of time Lu Han froze to him moving again, but there was only so much he could have done when beside him lay empty cans of beer he'd drunk to numb his brain. They didn't help. He'd taken them from the mini fridge when Lu Han got annoying. He held his phone in one hand, squeezed it so hard the edges hurt his skin, a little. He was angry; first at Lu Han, then at himself. His cheeks grew warm from the alcohol and something else. Belatedly he realized he was crying.
Yixing hadn't said anything all throughout the video chat after Lu Han asked him what he thought of the whole ridiculous idea, afraid of saying something he knew he'd regret. Lu Han must've understood what the tears meant when he saw them. He didn't tease Yixing, didn't say "Are those tears of joy?"
Instead, he apologized.
Lu Han had always been the first one to apologize, not knowing anything, and Yixing's throat clenched so hard he couldn't talk.
Years after wearing the first ever Samurai Flamenco costume and Lu Han was still diving headfirst into things he believed to be the Right Thing To Do, without preamble nor hesitation. He was always the first one to apologize when everything went wrong, as if he held the fucking universe in his hands and was responsible for everything that happened in it (and he was, to some extent). The prime minister blamed him for an alien invasion years back and he wandered around trying to hide from the police by himself. And the first thing he said when he finally arrived at Yixing's doorstep? "Sorry," he said, as if it were his fault.
"He's insane, right?" Yixing said later on, when he finally had the chance to talk to someone about it. "Tell me he's insane."
"Lu Han's always been dumb, what's new?" Zitao said flippantly, eyes on her own reflection. One of her eyes had glitter underneath. The coordi-noona fussed over her like a mother, and when she went away to retrieve something from the other room, she twisted to face Yixing. "How do I look?"
"Cute." Yixing said. And then, barreling on, "I don't think you understand. He asked me to--"
"Weren't you together?"
"Huh?" Yixing blinked. "We were, up until 4 months ago. He had to go to the US to film the new Samurai Flamenco movie. Didn't you know?"
Zitao looked at him as if were stupid. "I meant together, together. Like a couple."
Immediately Yixing's face grew warm. Zitao looked serious about it. Yixing searched her face for any tell-tale signs of mockery and found none. It took effort to not yell in embarrassment, so what came out of his mouth was an incoherent mutter of, "We're not dating," It sounded like a lie even to his ears.
"What?" Zitao didn't hear. She looked at her reflection again, looking disturbingly too pleased with herself it was making Yixing uncomfortable.
"I said we aren't dating," It came out more defensive that he'd intended. Louder, too. Loud enough for Sehun to hear through her earbuds. Yixing hadn't meant to ignore her, really, but with the inner turmoil he had been so desperate to let out he'd glazed over everybody else in the vicinity. Hell, he didn't even know how he'd gotten inside the studio in the first place.
"You're not?" Sehun asked, twisting to face him so fast her own coordi-noona had to grab her jaw to make her behave. "Oops. Sorry, unni." Like Zitao she sported the same eye glitter make up, although of a different hue. Yixing looked closer and saw Jongin sleeping in her own seat beside him, apparently finished with hers for a while.
"We're not." Yixing said. His tone was final. It felt more like convincing himself than actually saying the truth. "We're not." he'd said again, for good measure. But it felt less of a solid fact then, when all his mind had conjured up were hazy memories, seemingly innocent and mundane and utterly platonic, only to patch up together to form one giant picture of something so clear it rivaled Lu Han's eyes the day they met and he had proclaimed he was a superhero.
And it went like this: Lu Han, looking as comfortable as ever wearing Yixing's shirt. He'd slept over the night before. Yixing'd let him, not so much as satiating Lu Han's need to help others recover as wanting some company himself. His toothbrush was in the same cup as his was in, which wasn't weird at all--for convenience, since he'd been sleeping over a lot after his own apartment exploded. Yixing gave him a spare key to keep. Again, for convenience. Said it enough times to himself until it made sense, until the flutter in his chest went away when Lu Han took hold of his hands under the covers when he thought Yixing was sleeping, rubbing soothing circles on the place the cuffs had chafed. Lu Han was a superhero, he knew; there was something Yixing lacked that Lu Han had in spades, something that drove him to propel forwards, unabashed and naked (literally), to save someone he considered his best friend. His taking care of Yixing after the incident, it was something he understood to be normal. Something convenient for both of them: Lu Han took care of him because he needed to take care of someone else, and Yixing let him because he wanted him to.
Thinking back to it then, under the watchful gazes of both Zitao and Sehun, he thought, how much of it had he thought only to convince himself? Say it enough times and it would eventually make sense. Only it didn't, not really. He'd said it enough to himself, sure, but how much of it really was only to put everything in limbo--his own problems, his need to confront the past--while exploiting Lu Han's innate need to help.
"I knew it." Zitao said, snapping him out of his reverie. Her eyes looked dead, even with the sparkly makeup. She suddenly looked familiar, as if Yixing had seen that same face, had felt that same dread, years back. And then it clicked. Back then Zitao had said it with bitterness, disgust, even, but that was only because she'd been interested in Yixing. Specifically, she'd been interested in Yixing because he was a policeman that wore police uniforms and, well, she was into those kinds of things.
Yixing knew the words even before it left her pretty mouth:
"You're in love with Samumenco."
Zitao's words felt like an answer to questions he'd never thought of asking for some time, grounding him. After a while they weighed him down, so much that months later when he went to get Lu Han from the airport his feet felt like lead. What he arrived to was his manager instead. "Oh, good. You're here." Taeyeon had always been straight to the point, skipping formalities and greetings altogether. From the tone of her voice, Lu Han had done something very bad. Yixing had always been the tiniest bit afraid of her. "Here are his things." She gestured to bags beside her feet. Yixing wasn't sure if he could carry them home on his own, but he knew better than to question her.
"Um, where's Lu Han?"
That seemed to tick her off even more. "Who knows?" she said. "Tell that idiot to get his phone from the hotel when you see him, okay?"
Yixing had gone to drop Lu Han's things at his own apartment first before heading to the first place he knew Lu Han would be at. He found him almost immediately. Lu Han was sitting on a bench outside the center, busy with the soil under his feet. He didn't see Yixing approach, didn't react when Yixing sat next to him. Yixing peered at his face and saw his eyes were closed. He had a water bottle in his hands, ready to fall the next time Lu Han drooped forward and his hands loosened. Yixing took it and hit Lu Han's temple softly. Lu Han's eyes opened slowly, like leaves opening up to the sun. He didn't flinch away in shock when he turned and it was Yixing he saw, as if already expecting him there.
Lu Han took his phone afterwards after Yixing forced him to. Taeyeon took hold of Lu Han's ear the moment he entered the hotel room and probably didn't let go until she was done reprimanding him. When he came out of the adjoining room his right ear burned red.
Later Lu Han said "Do you want to..." and Yixing said "No." because he'd known what he was going to say next. The first thing Lu Han did after landing was visit the kid in the juvenile detention center, the same kid who hurt everyone Lu Han cared for, the same kid who stood in front of Yixing sneering, the same kid who deleted the last message his girlfriend sent him without hesitation. Do you want to see him?, Lu Han was going to ask. And then maybe he'd say something like, he wants to apologize, he's changed, and maybe he did, but Yixing wasn't ready for that kind of confrontation. The wound may have healed but the damage never really disappeared.
Lu Han continued to unpack his bags on Yixing's floor. Yixing helped him separate dirty clothes from the clean ones before suddenly remembering. "Weren't you going to stay at the hotel?"
Lu Han's only reply was a sheepish grin.
So he lived with Yixing for months. It wasn't a bother, really, when half the time he wasn't even at home, busy promoting his upcoming movie and starring on shows and doing interviews. It felt weird still, watching Lu Han act on TV. "Did you just shoot bombs out of your ass?" he'd asked in disbelief, sitting next to him at the front row during the last showing of the movie one night. Lu Han SSHHH'd him so loud Yixing immediately shut up. He held Yixing's sleeve and tugged. "This is the part where I talk to the universe."
Lu Han talked to the universe, once, he'd said. Yixing believed him because he knew Lu Han abhor lying. He pointed to the moon and said he'd gone up there. Said the universe gave him what he'd unconsciously asked for. He wanted to be a superhero, so the universe made him one. King Torture, From Beyond, Alien Flamenco--they were things he'd asked for. He'd wanted to be a tragic hero at one point so he got to be one. Shouted flamenco a lot of times throughout the months he'd taken up the role and got what he wanted. "It asked me to choose between new enemies and a normal life. I chose to live normally." He looked Yixing straight in the eye, as if saying, I chose you.
"Tell the universe to bring my girlfriend back," Yixing had said. The look on Lu Han's face was unreadable. Yixing reached out to ruffle his hair. Pulled them down so his fringe covered his too-honest eyes. "Juuuuuust kidding."
Later Yixing had said outloud, not unlike a plea for help, "Flamenco" and wasn't surprised when nothing happened.
see u tomorrow xingxing! her last message read, gone forever. Yixing read new messages on his phone one bleary morning and saw only Lu Han's texts, only replied to Lu Han texts. When his hand itched to compose a message he was going to send to himself, he stopped himself. He started with the easier things, at first. It wasn't so much as moving on as him testing the waters, seeing how far he could go without her constant presence, how far he could go before succumbing and going back to his past obsession.
Yixing had texted only himself for so long it felt surreal having someone real finally reply to him, someone with real emotions he didn't come up with.
The third time Lu Han brought it up they were walking home from lunch. Lu Han had held Yixing's hands tight. Yixing wasn't sure whether it was because he wanted to convey his feelings that way or because he didn't want Yixing to run away. Either way he was planning to complete the act by kneeling down, so Yixing pulled him up before he got successful. "What the fuck?" he'd said, which he knew wasn't what he wanted to say, but Lu Han barreled on, seemingly unperturbed, "Taeyeon-noona said I was going at it the wrong way." And he was, how could he not have known until then? You profess your love before you ask them something outrageous as--
"I'm willing to wait." He continued, voice shaking. Lu Han's hands were cold. It took effort to say something so embarrassing, Yixing knew. His respect for him kind of shot up, needless to say. "You're right. I know absolutely nothing about this." Whatever this is, Yixing thought, because for all his adamant refusals and seemingly confident (read: stupid) arguments ("I know more about love than you do, virgin." he'd said once, something he wanted to forget because, well, he was also...) he had absolutely no idea about what they were doing either. "But I love you--"
"You don't say that in public--people are looking this way--you do know you have a reputation to keep--"
"--and I can save you from your past! I'll try to save you from your past!" It was as if Yixing hadn't spoken at all. Lu Han let go of his hands then, and started to move. Yixing looked on with disbelief. One arm drew an arc from one side to the other above his head, the other pulled close to his body, fists closed. Lu Han had launched into a ridiculous recitation of his hero promise. It had been embarrassing. People laughed and pointed and Yixing wanted to die right then and there.
"A hero will never give up, never hide, never be defeated, never accept evil!" With one last inhale, and an endearingly shaky smile, he yelled, at the top of his lungs, "Samurai Flamenco!"
Yixing had pulled him into his arms, completely overwhelmed his heart hammered against his ribs wanting out, and felt himself relax when he felt another trembling body against his. If he listened closely he could hear Lu Han's shallow, shaky breaths. Yixing would've cried if it hadn't been so mortifying. Why did Lu Han always have to be so fucking over the top?
"You need to know what you're getting into," he'd said in the end. Again, it wasn't what he wanted to say. It didn't seem to matter, though. Lu Han had gotten what he wanted. He was in no position to complain about his lack of tact.
"You need to know what you're getting into," he says again now. His voice shakes with a minute tremor he hides with a cough. He tries to pull a hand to his face to complete the act, only for Lu Han to hold it tighter. He glances down and sees a ring. He blinks, and suddenly he's not sure where he is.
Lu Han kills his fear with a reassuring smile. He looks amazing, Yixing thinks at the back of his mind. "I think the words you're looking for is 'I do'."
"Oh," Yixing exhales.
He's in the US, getting married. Around them are people he cares about. From behind Lu Han Zitao makes an impatient gesture, telling him to get it over with. Sehun hums softly beside her. Jongin hears and joins in. It's a song he's familiar with, and if he weren't looking at the way their mouths moved he'd think he was hearing things. Yixing's ears ring with the melody and his chest feels incredibly light. It feels right, standing there. His slacks lack the weight of his phone, kept protected in Lu Han's room of toy figures. Let's go home and skip the bus stop just to waste time, the lyrics go. Yixing nods at them, throat heavy, and turns back to Lu Han. Lu Han looks about ready to cry.
If you told me you loved me now, Sehun and Jongin sing, a little louder this time, and Yixing's brain supplies what comes next. I'm sure I'd respond with a yes.
"I do."
("What do you mean," Zitao says later, with so much incredulity in her voice Yixing feels the stab of her words physically impale his dignity, "You haven't even kissed each other until the today?"
Lu Han laughs. His cheeks color a pretty a pink. He's not wearing his Samurai Flamenco costume under his suit today because Yixing hid it. Lu Han was particularly disappointed about that. He felt naked, he'd said. "You're marrying me today." Yixing said, pointing it out. "What more could you ask for?" He was joking. He even had his usual impassive joke-face on. Still, he was surprised to see Lu Han take it seriously. He leaned in, suddenly, mouth pulled tight against his teeth. When he got too close their noses bumped. Lu Han got so embarrassed about it he hid somewhere until the actual ceremony started. It took Yixing a full minute to realize what he was trying to do.
"It's because Lu Han doesn't know how to," Yixing tells Zitao. Lu Han makes a strangled noise from beside him.
Zitao nods, convinced.)
Title Remember What Your Heart Is Actually For
Pairing Lay/Lu Han
Rating pg-13
Word Count 3654
Summary Yixing thinks about unimportant things during an important time. Alternatively: three times Lu Han asked Yixing to get married. Samumenco AU.
The first time Lu Han had brought it up he was naked and Yixing was delirious with white-hot rage. The kind of rage that muddles your reasoning, makes you say stuff you don't really mean, makes you do things you know you'll regret later on. Yixing had been too busy zeroing in on the kid Lu Han was so adamant at protecting to be bothered by the dick in front of his face.
"I'll do all the things your girlfriend would've done!" Lu Han had yelled, sounding desperate, and after the incident he did just that. When Yixing's wounds opened Lu Han was there to wipe it clean. He patched the wounds up so tight Yixing felt his arms grow cold. For days Yixing went to the police station sporting bandages on both wrists and had to always explain that he wasn't suicidal.
"I got abducted by a kid," Yixing said. "He handcuffed me to a pole." It was the truth. His co-workers either laughed or got worried, not sure whether he was joking. He'd always said it a straight face, but their concerns eventually got to him so he said, "Just kidding?" He left the question mark on purpose.
Lu Han took care of him extra well. "You're the only friend I have," Lu Han had said, countless of times, but that was before everybody else came into the picture. Before he met Yixing he had only his manager to talk to, and even then he couldn't speak of his deeds as a vigilante superhero. In fact, it was during a night of playing vigilante superhero that he met Yixing. He was also naked then. Then he met Zitao, then he met the other Flamenco girls, then he met Red Axe, then he met the Flamengers. He never stopped meeting new people. Except it was Yixing he always returned to, which was comforting in ways Yixing never knew possible. But Lu Han's friendship came with something that was both a burden and a blessing: he was too damn obsequious.
Lu Han made him lunch one time. He slept at Yixing's apartment the night before, woke up early to burn Yixing's breakfast, and tried again hours later to produce an edible lunch. Yixing took it out during lunchtime at work. It was covered in red cloth, and the flaps made it look like a rectangular bunny. There was a note attached to it. fighting!!! it said, with what seemed like a poorly drawn Samurai Flamenco head. Behind him a co-worker snorted so hard the air hit the back of his head.
"Your girlfriend made you lunch?" he asked. Yixing looked up in time to see not so much incredulity but envy in his features. It had been misplaced jealousy, so Yixing didn't let himself feel too good about it.
"It's not--" he said, cheeks warming up. It's not what you think it is, is what he'd intended to say. She's not my girlfriend, if he were to be more specific. "Yeah, she did," he'd said in the end, thinking, he's not even a she.
The second time Lu Han brought it up he asked "What do you think?" and Yixing had said, very carefully, "I think you're insane. That's what I think." The screen froze on Lu Han's pout as if on purpose. Whatever he said next Yixing didn't bother listening to. It had been too easy to ignore Lu Han's whines of protests when he wasn't moving. Yixing had a hard time looking at Lu Han's frozen face, seeing the honest seriousness in his grainy eyes. He was not so much surprised by the outrageous proposal as he was insulted because really? Really? Lu Han didn't know what he was talking about. He didn't understand what Yixing felt. Lu Han didn't understand how it felt to have the same words he'd wanted to say to her from the bottom of his heart stolen by someone who knew nothing about it, didn't understand how it felt to feel not so much shackled as unable to move on and then hear those words as if they were easily digested, easily accepted, easily talked about, as if asking Yixing "Would you like to eat curry?" because he knew Yixing didn't say no to curry. Was Lu Han so stupid to think he'd actually say yes?
He hadn't meant for his thoughts to turn from incredulous to callous in the span of time Lu Han froze to him moving again, but there was only so much he could have done when beside him lay empty cans of beer he'd drunk to numb his brain. They didn't help. He'd taken them from the mini fridge when Lu Han got annoying. He held his phone in one hand, squeezed it so hard the edges hurt his skin, a little. He was angry; first at Lu Han, then at himself. His cheeks grew warm from the alcohol and something else. Belatedly he realized he was crying.
Yixing hadn't said anything all throughout the video chat after Lu Han asked him what he thought of the whole ridiculous idea, afraid of saying something he knew he'd regret. Lu Han must've understood what the tears meant when he saw them. He didn't tease Yixing, didn't say "Are those tears of joy?"
Instead, he apologized.
Lu Han had always been the first one to apologize, not knowing anything, and Yixing's throat clenched so hard he couldn't talk.
Years after wearing the first ever Samurai Flamenco costume and Lu Han was still diving headfirst into things he believed to be the Right Thing To Do, without preamble nor hesitation. He was always the first one to apologize when everything went wrong, as if he held the fucking universe in his hands and was responsible for everything that happened in it (and he was, to some extent). The prime minister blamed him for an alien invasion years back and he wandered around trying to hide from the police by himself. And the first thing he said when he finally arrived at Yixing's doorstep? "Sorry," he said, as if it were his fault.
"He's insane, right?" Yixing said later on, when he finally had the chance to talk to someone about it. "Tell me he's insane."
"Lu Han's always been dumb, what's new?" Zitao said flippantly, eyes on her own reflection. One of her eyes had glitter underneath. The coordi-noona fussed over her like a mother, and when she went away to retrieve something from the other room, she twisted to face Yixing. "How do I look?"
"Cute." Yixing said. And then, barreling on, "I don't think you understand. He asked me to--"
"Weren't you together?"
"Huh?" Yixing blinked. "We were, up until 4 months ago. He had to go to the US to film the new Samurai Flamenco movie. Didn't you know?"
Zitao looked at him as if were stupid. "I meant together, together. Like a couple."
Immediately Yixing's face grew warm. Zitao looked serious about it. Yixing searched her face for any tell-tale signs of mockery and found none. It took effort to not yell in embarrassment, so what came out of his mouth was an incoherent mutter of, "We're not dating," It sounded like a lie even to his ears.
"What?" Zitao didn't hear. She looked at her reflection again, looking disturbingly too pleased with herself it was making Yixing uncomfortable.
"I said we aren't dating," It came out more defensive that he'd intended. Louder, too. Loud enough for Sehun to hear through her earbuds. Yixing hadn't meant to ignore her, really, but with the inner turmoil he had been so desperate to let out he'd glazed over everybody else in the vicinity. Hell, he didn't even know how he'd gotten inside the studio in the first place.
"You're not?" Sehun asked, twisting to face him so fast her own coordi-noona had to grab her jaw to make her behave. "Oops. Sorry, unni." Like Zitao she sported the same eye glitter make up, although of a different hue. Yixing looked closer and saw Jongin sleeping in her own seat beside him, apparently finished with hers for a while.
"We're not." Yixing said. His tone was final. It felt more like convincing himself than actually saying the truth. "We're not." he'd said again, for good measure. But it felt less of a solid fact then, when all his mind had conjured up were hazy memories, seemingly innocent and mundane and utterly platonic, only to patch up together to form one giant picture of something so clear it rivaled Lu Han's eyes the day they met and he had proclaimed he was a superhero.
And it went like this: Lu Han, looking as comfortable as ever wearing Yixing's shirt. He'd slept over the night before. Yixing'd let him, not so much as satiating Lu Han's need to help others recover as wanting some company himself. His toothbrush was in the same cup as his was in, which wasn't weird at all--for convenience, since he'd been sleeping over a lot after his own apartment exploded. Yixing gave him a spare key to keep. Again, for convenience. Said it enough times to himself until it made sense, until the flutter in his chest went away when Lu Han took hold of his hands under the covers when he thought Yixing was sleeping, rubbing soothing circles on the place the cuffs had chafed. Lu Han was a superhero, he knew; there was something Yixing lacked that Lu Han had in spades, something that drove him to propel forwards, unabashed and naked (literally), to save someone he considered his best friend. His taking care of Yixing after the incident, it was something he understood to be normal. Something convenient for both of them: Lu Han took care of him because he needed to take care of someone else, and Yixing let him because he wanted him to.
Thinking back to it then, under the watchful gazes of both Zitao and Sehun, he thought, how much of it had he thought only to convince himself? Say it enough times and it would eventually make sense. Only it didn't, not really. He'd said it enough to himself, sure, but how much of it really was only to put everything in limbo--his own problems, his need to confront the past--while exploiting Lu Han's innate need to help.
"I knew it." Zitao said, snapping him out of his reverie. Her eyes looked dead, even with the sparkly makeup. She suddenly looked familiar, as if Yixing had seen that same face, had felt that same dread, years back. And then it clicked. Back then Zitao had said it with bitterness, disgust, even, but that was only because she'd been interested in Yixing. Specifically, she'd been interested in Yixing because he was a policeman that wore police uniforms and, well, she was into those kinds of things.
Yixing knew the words even before it left her pretty mouth:
"You're in love with Samumenco."
Zitao's words felt like an answer to questions he'd never thought of asking for some time, grounding him. After a while they weighed him down, so much that months later when he went to get Lu Han from the airport his feet felt like lead. What he arrived to was his manager instead. "Oh, good. You're here." Taeyeon had always been straight to the point, skipping formalities and greetings altogether. From the tone of her voice, Lu Han had done something very bad. Yixing had always been the tiniest bit afraid of her. "Here are his things." She gestured to bags beside her feet. Yixing wasn't sure if he could carry them home on his own, but he knew better than to question her.
"Um, where's Lu Han?"
That seemed to tick her off even more. "Who knows?" she said. "Tell that idiot to get his phone from the hotel when you see him, okay?"
Yixing had gone to drop Lu Han's things at his own apartment first before heading to the first place he knew Lu Han would be at. He found him almost immediately. Lu Han was sitting on a bench outside the center, busy with the soil under his feet. He didn't see Yixing approach, didn't react when Yixing sat next to him. Yixing peered at his face and saw his eyes were closed. He had a water bottle in his hands, ready to fall the next time Lu Han drooped forward and his hands loosened. Yixing took it and hit Lu Han's temple softly. Lu Han's eyes opened slowly, like leaves opening up to the sun. He didn't flinch away in shock when he turned and it was Yixing he saw, as if already expecting him there.
Lu Han took his phone afterwards after Yixing forced him to. Taeyeon took hold of Lu Han's ear the moment he entered the hotel room and probably didn't let go until she was done reprimanding him. When he came out of the adjoining room his right ear burned red.
Later Lu Han said "Do you want to..." and Yixing said "No." because he'd known what he was going to say next. The first thing Lu Han did after landing was visit the kid in the juvenile detention center, the same kid who hurt everyone Lu Han cared for, the same kid who stood in front of Yixing sneering, the same kid who deleted the last message his girlfriend sent him without hesitation. Do you want to see him?, Lu Han was going to ask. And then maybe he'd say something like, he wants to apologize, he's changed, and maybe he did, but Yixing wasn't ready for that kind of confrontation. The wound may have healed but the damage never really disappeared.
Lu Han continued to unpack his bags on Yixing's floor. Yixing helped him separate dirty clothes from the clean ones before suddenly remembering. "Weren't you going to stay at the hotel?"
Lu Han's only reply was a sheepish grin.
So he lived with Yixing for months. It wasn't a bother, really, when half the time he wasn't even at home, busy promoting his upcoming movie and starring on shows and doing interviews. It felt weird still, watching Lu Han act on TV. "Did you just shoot bombs out of your ass?" he'd asked in disbelief, sitting next to him at the front row during the last showing of the movie one night. Lu Han SSHHH'd him so loud Yixing immediately shut up. He held Yixing's sleeve and tugged. "This is the part where I talk to the universe."
Lu Han talked to the universe, once, he'd said. Yixing believed him because he knew Lu Han abhor lying. He pointed to the moon and said he'd gone up there. Said the universe gave him what he'd unconsciously asked for. He wanted to be a superhero, so the universe made him one. King Torture, From Beyond, Alien Flamenco--they were things he'd asked for. He'd wanted to be a tragic hero at one point so he got to be one. Shouted flamenco a lot of times throughout the months he'd taken up the role and got what he wanted. "It asked me to choose between new enemies and a normal life. I chose to live normally." He looked Yixing straight in the eye, as if saying, I chose you.
"Tell the universe to bring my girlfriend back," Yixing had said. The look on Lu Han's face was unreadable. Yixing reached out to ruffle his hair. Pulled them down so his fringe covered his too-honest eyes. "Juuuuuust kidding."
Later Yixing had said outloud, not unlike a plea for help, "Flamenco" and wasn't surprised when nothing happened.
see u tomorrow xingxing! her last message read, gone forever. Yixing read new messages on his phone one bleary morning and saw only Lu Han's texts, only replied to Lu Han texts. When his hand itched to compose a message he was going to send to himself, he stopped himself. He started with the easier things, at first. It wasn't so much as moving on as him testing the waters, seeing how far he could go without her constant presence, how far he could go before succumbing and going back to his past obsession.
Yixing had texted only himself for so long it felt surreal having someone real finally reply to him, someone with real emotions he didn't come up with.
The third time Lu Han brought it up they were walking home from lunch. Lu Han had held Yixing's hands tight. Yixing wasn't sure whether it was because he wanted to convey his feelings that way or because he didn't want Yixing to run away. Either way he was planning to complete the act by kneeling down, so Yixing pulled him up before he got successful. "What the fuck?" he'd said, which he knew wasn't what he wanted to say, but Lu Han barreled on, seemingly unperturbed, "Taeyeon-noona said I was going at it the wrong way." And he was, how could he not have known until then? You profess your love before you ask them something outrageous as--
"I'm willing to wait." He continued, voice shaking. Lu Han's hands were cold. It took effort to say something so embarrassing, Yixing knew. His respect for him kind of shot up, needless to say. "You're right. I know absolutely nothing about this." Whatever this is, Yixing thought, because for all his adamant refusals and seemingly confident (read: stupid) arguments ("I know more about love than you do, virgin." he'd said once, something he wanted to forget because, well, he was also...) he had absolutely no idea about what they were doing either. "But I love you--"
"You don't say that in public--people are looking this way--you do know you have a reputation to keep--"
"--and I can save you from your past! I'll try to save you from your past!" It was as if Yixing hadn't spoken at all. Lu Han let go of his hands then, and started to move. Yixing looked on with disbelief. One arm drew an arc from one side to the other above his head, the other pulled close to his body, fists closed. Lu Han had launched into a ridiculous recitation of his hero promise. It had been embarrassing. People laughed and pointed and Yixing wanted to die right then and there.
"A hero will never give up, never hide, never be defeated, never accept evil!" With one last inhale, and an endearingly shaky smile, he yelled, at the top of his lungs, "Samurai Flamenco!"
Yixing had pulled him into his arms, completely overwhelmed his heart hammered against his ribs wanting out, and felt himself relax when he felt another trembling body against his. If he listened closely he could hear Lu Han's shallow, shaky breaths. Yixing would've cried if it hadn't been so mortifying. Why did Lu Han always have to be so fucking over the top?
"You need to know what you're getting into," he'd said in the end. Again, it wasn't what he wanted to say. It didn't seem to matter, though. Lu Han had gotten what he wanted. He was in no position to complain about his lack of tact.
"You need to know what you're getting into," he says again now. His voice shakes with a minute tremor he hides with a cough. He tries to pull a hand to his face to complete the act, only for Lu Han to hold it tighter. He glances down and sees a ring. He blinks, and suddenly he's not sure where he is.
Lu Han kills his fear with a reassuring smile. He looks amazing, Yixing thinks at the back of his mind. "I think the words you're looking for is 'I do'."
"Oh," Yixing exhales.
He's in the US, getting married. Around them are people he cares about. From behind Lu Han Zitao makes an impatient gesture, telling him to get it over with. Sehun hums softly beside her. Jongin hears and joins in. It's a song he's familiar with, and if he weren't looking at the way their mouths moved he'd think he was hearing things. Yixing's ears ring with the melody and his chest feels incredibly light. It feels right, standing there. His slacks lack the weight of his phone, kept protected in Lu Han's room of toy figures. Let's go home and skip the bus stop just to waste time, the lyrics go. Yixing nods at them, throat heavy, and turns back to Lu Han. Lu Han looks about ready to cry.
If you told me you loved me now, Sehun and Jongin sing, a little louder this time, and Yixing's brain supplies what comes next. I'm sure I'd respond with a yes.
"I do."
("What do you mean," Zitao says later, with so much incredulity in her voice Yixing feels the stab of her words physically impale his dignity, "You haven't even kissed each other until the today?"
Lu Han laughs. His cheeks color a pretty a pink. He's not wearing his Samurai Flamenco costume under his suit today because Yixing hid it. Lu Han was particularly disappointed about that. He felt naked, he'd said. "You're marrying me today." Yixing said, pointing it out. "What more could you ask for?" He was joking. He even had his usual impassive joke-face on. Still, he was surprised to see Lu Han take it seriously. He leaned in, suddenly, mouth pulled tight against his teeth. When he got too close their noses bumped. Lu Han got so embarrassed about it he hid somewhere until the actual ceremony started. It took Yixing a full minute to realize what he was trying to do.
"It's because Lu Han doesn't know how to," Yixing tells Zitao. Lu Han makes a strangled noise from beside him.
Zitao nods, convinced.)