Held Tight
Talking about mistakes. Not just rude selfish mistakes, that in reality it takes two. I've had those many times too. But literally, mistakes that are deep within us-"known better," but we continue to act upon them, over and over... and all can blame whomever, or the Devil, or a tough life- but in darn reality everything, every choice is still in our hands. Free will is still our control-and we can choose to follow what is in God's line... or what is in our selfish desire.
Today, seven years ago I was sure struggling to find out who Jesus was. This was my first big hospitalization in 2003 at Mayo Hospital for my overdosing issue. It was my "answer" my "numbing pain" following my ex husband beating me October 6, 2002. I was hospitalized twice in TX for it in 2002. My neurologist, who has been with me for all my brain surgeries was guiding me, even from AZ when I was in TX back in 2002. Then I came back, and he had to deal with me face to face. But that was a gift from Jesus. As for he was actual art for the whole year of my overdosing struggles. He always saw the light in me, ready to come out and burn one day-soon. It was just taking me--my time, His time, and some help from others.
I had been searching for Jesus, dealing with ex issues, reality of what occurred, new boyfriend (husband today), raising my toddler on my own, trying to pop online pharmacy to numb pain-and hold a job.... this all was not happening. I could not hold everything together and find this whole new Heather. The one I had no idea about. One that would love Jesus. Family. Life. People. Struggles to reach out to others, wellness for excitement for family.... so much to come... and more.
But I had my first break-down June 18, 2003. My parents dropped me off up at my Mayo Hospital-my neurologist was there. My level was almost three times the level it should be, and I was not cognitive-alert. So I wasn't able to answer all the ER's questions. But my medical records are down the line of suicidal attempt, or euphoric distraction. Either way, I was the one who knew what was in the bottle-no matter what occurred to "cause" me to feel like I needed to escape or end-it was my choice, no one poured it down my throat.
I was there for two long nights. Not too much I can remember, other than my poor psychiatrist really trying to put his foot down to having me admitted to a psychiatric hospital for more long-term. And I threw a fit. Part of it was the loud, aggressive mood you get from the Phenobarbital high--dropping. Then also there was the mom in me who was roaring in an aggressive, unkind divorce-and I was not leaving my child, whom I was TRYING to raise right, with anyone who holds a fist in the air to any other human flesh. (granted, ex was in Iraq) So, we all went back and forth-and social services even stepped in-my neurologist held onto faith, and backed me up with many close appointments to see him.
My doctors did not see eye to eye-but my neurologist sure saw me hanging tight-heard my life stories, and compares to so much in personal life lived-and that is when you know God placed you somewhere exactly where He wanted you. As for I was learning more about Jesus-my Lord and Savior, and my neurologist sure supported that, but he also was this mini-training-god until I realized who was, and Who worked thru who, and why. And the beauty, when I found Christ showed even more thru every step my doc took me, thru His plans-even more, every month, every year.
It is amazing what hard times can bring. Even when they were brought on yourself-He can turn all into such beauty-His time, and teaching. We just sure have to live, learn, trust, and hold tight.... as for He held me tight the whole way-as He does you.
I thank Him for everyone who held on thru all of this. My family, my little girl, my husband-Christian .... so many-I am here. All from His glory-His plans. Our choices are just lame- all but ONE-following His whispers-His plans-Him!
In His Love,
Heather Siebens
John 14:12 "The Truth is, anyone who believes in Me will do the same works I have done, and even greater works because I am going to be with the Father."