(no subject)
so next year, i'll be living in vandy again, with luke and some other victims of recombination. i won't be living with jason, ezra, sasha, and mike, since i don't fit the dynamic of their suite.
just last night, ezra, luke and i were toasting to the "vextet". the sudden exclusion sucks, not just because it was so sudden, but also because it seemed so arbitrary. if julia's quad hadn't fragmented last night, if that housing email hadn't been sent, if the deadline was noon instead of 5pm...the sextet would probably have happened.
even more than that, it seems like mike was the one who orchestrated this kicking out of me and luke. he's still dreaming about his ideal suite, and i guess he got what he wanted. jason wouldn't have minded having us at all. ezra seemed a little unsure, but i don't think he would have minded including us either. sasha just wanted the four of them to get a quint, and didn't realize that the quint was in vandy, not branford. and even then, he was the one who spent the least time in our suite, so he didn't really have a basis for talking about our social dynamic this year. out of the four of them, only mike had a real motive to go for the quad. and the fact that he spoke the most during our last-minute meeting reflected that.
essentially, it seems like mike (1 person) kicked luke and me (2 persons) out. i'm not particularly angry at him though. i'm almost more angry at jason and ezra, who i consider(ed?) closer friends. though they wouldn't really have minded including us, they still let all this happen. they didn't consider me or luke when the four of them made their decision, and they let mike have his way. i guess the cruel lesson is that some friends have your back more than others.
i would like to stay good friends with jason and ezra, and i believe they want the same thing. part of their justification for their actions was that separate living arrangements wouldn't inhibit friendships. they pointed to ezra and sasha's situation this year as evidence. while they're right, i don't think luke and i have the same situation. sasha and ezra still lived extremely close to our suite - their entryway was right across from ours. it was very easy for them to drop by and visit. luke and i, however, will be living in vandy, while everyone else will be in branford (i assume). it will be much harder for me to take 5 minutes to walk all the way from vandy to branford and hang out with them. it feels inevitable to me that our friendships will deteriorate as a result of not living together. part of me wants this to happen, just so i can prove that i was right.
then again, maybe it's just my fault. maybe i just love to spoil myself with personal space so much, maybe i keep to myself so much, that no one wants to live with me. if luke wasn't stuck with me, he'd probably bail on me too. i'm always the one who's not quite in the loop, who feels a little out of place, who doesn't belong. maybe i just fail at maintaining friendships in general. i try to be the easy-going, chill, low-maintenance friend, but i'm constantly the expendable one. i've seen this happen so many times in my life: i'm fairly good friends with people, but when it comes down to small groups and exclusivity, i'm always on the outside. in high school, i blamed it on being neither a rich white kid from queen anne nor a rich fobby asian kid from anywhere. in college, i've found various other explanations: i'm more involved in groups outside the suite, like CASA. i'm the only only child among the would-be six of us, and thus have a hard time dealing with constant interpersonal interaction. but in the end, these explanations really don't seem to cut it. i just struggle at making friends. and while i have a couple friends who i'm extremely close to and who definitely have "best-friend" status, i've never had a group of close friends like most people do. my "best-friend" friendships are all independent of each other. groups never seem to want me.
i thought the "vextet" would be this group, the group of friends i've never had, but now i see clearly that it isn't. i'm not as close to mike and sasha and i hoped that living together would bridge this gap, but they're not interested in becoming closer friends - they'd rather just cut me out. for all the talk about not using housing decisions to judge friendships, the statement that i would disrupt the dynamic of their suite is just code for the fact that i don't fit in. sure, they're willing to hang out with me, but i don't fit in.
i don't know what to think about this anymore. it clearly wasn't as arbitrary as i originally thought. the vextet was just delusion; the new quad reflects the truly close friendships. maybe this is just for the best, and the best just involves me suffering.
just last night, ezra, luke and i were toasting to the "vextet". the sudden exclusion sucks, not just because it was so sudden, but also because it seemed so arbitrary. if julia's quad hadn't fragmented last night, if that housing email hadn't been sent, if the deadline was noon instead of 5pm...the sextet would probably have happened.
even more than that, it seems like mike was the one who orchestrated this kicking out of me and luke. he's still dreaming about his ideal suite, and i guess he got what he wanted. jason wouldn't have minded having us at all. ezra seemed a little unsure, but i don't think he would have minded including us either. sasha just wanted the four of them to get a quint, and didn't realize that the quint was in vandy, not branford. and even then, he was the one who spent the least time in our suite, so he didn't really have a basis for talking about our social dynamic this year. out of the four of them, only mike had a real motive to go for the quad. and the fact that he spoke the most during our last-minute meeting reflected that.
essentially, it seems like mike (1 person) kicked luke and me (2 persons) out. i'm not particularly angry at him though. i'm almost more angry at jason and ezra, who i consider(ed?) closer friends. though they wouldn't really have minded including us, they still let all this happen. they didn't consider me or luke when the four of them made their decision, and they let mike have his way. i guess the cruel lesson is that some friends have your back more than others.
i would like to stay good friends with jason and ezra, and i believe they want the same thing. part of their justification for their actions was that separate living arrangements wouldn't inhibit friendships. they pointed to ezra and sasha's situation this year as evidence. while they're right, i don't think luke and i have the same situation. sasha and ezra still lived extremely close to our suite - their entryway was right across from ours. it was very easy for them to drop by and visit. luke and i, however, will be living in vandy, while everyone else will be in branford (i assume). it will be much harder for me to take 5 minutes to walk all the way from vandy to branford and hang out with them. it feels inevitable to me that our friendships will deteriorate as a result of not living together. part of me wants this to happen, just so i can prove that i was right.
then again, maybe it's just my fault. maybe i just love to spoil myself with personal space so much, maybe i keep to myself so much, that no one wants to live with me. if luke wasn't stuck with me, he'd probably bail on me too. i'm always the one who's not quite in the loop, who feels a little out of place, who doesn't belong. maybe i just fail at maintaining friendships in general. i try to be the easy-going, chill, low-maintenance friend, but i'm constantly the expendable one. i've seen this happen so many times in my life: i'm fairly good friends with people, but when it comes down to small groups and exclusivity, i'm always on the outside. in high school, i blamed it on being neither a rich white kid from queen anne nor a rich fobby asian kid from anywhere. in college, i've found various other explanations: i'm more involved in groups outside the suite, like CASA. i'm the only only child among the would-be six of us, and thus have a hard time dealing with constant interpersonal interaction. but in the end, these explanations really don't seem to cut it. i just struggle at making friends. and while i have a couple friends who i'm extremely close to and who definitely have "best-friend" status, i've never had a group of close friends like most people do. my "best-friend" friendships are all independent of each other. groups never seem to want me.
i thought the "vextet" would be this group, the group of friends i've never had, but now i see clearly that it isn't. i'm not as close to mike and sasha and i hoped that living together would bridge this gap, but they're not interested in becoming closer friends - they'd rather just cut me out. for all the talk about not using housing decisions to judge friendships, the statement that i would disrupt the dynamic of their suite is just code for the fact that i don't fit in. sure, they're willing to hang out with me, but i don't fit in.
i don't know what to think about this anymore. it clearly wasn't as arbitrary as i originally thought. the vextet was just delusion; the new quad reflects the truly close friendships. maybe this is just for the best, and the best just involves me suffering.