time means a lot
Today, I finally greeted a Korean friend who's just back from 1 year and 10 months of military service. I'd seen him around a couple of times before but afraid of him not remembering who I am, I just couldn't bring myself to say hi. He used to be one semester older than me, but he left before he moved to his 3rd semester. In that 1 year and 10 months, many things happened and I've changed a lot. Borrowing a line from a BL mangaka whose style I currently find most suitable to me, Nekota Yonezou, "I became human" in those 22 months...certainly not a short amount of time, but I wouldn't call it long either. When I saw that friend of mine, I honestly thought that our farewell in 2010 felt so recent it was like a week ago.
I think, time is among many things that humans can never control. Others include love, luck, life... I agree when Kahlil Gibran says "And thus your freedom when it loses its fetters becomes itself the fetter of a greater freedom". I guess, there is no such thing as a true freedom.
I didn't pass the first screening of a scholarship I recently applied to. That marks my third attempts, and "failures" -- if you would, in a row. It's a lie if I say I wasn't concerned at all because in fact, I was kind of depressed, questioning my own ability, feeling envy towards those who passed the screening. But then as fast as it took me to get depressed, I regained my vigor the very next day. I spent my time doing whatever I found pleasing, anything basically, to cheer myself up.
Today is the first day of school. And I'm all smiley again. :-) Now trying for another scholarship with a more humble heart because I just failed one. I think failing to an extent is a good thing for me because I tend to get in a little over my head when I experience successes repeatedly.
Last night, I read a book lent by my friend, A, with whom I often spend time talking about things I don't usually use to strike up conservations with people. We talk about culture, manga and anime, sexuality, history, politics and whatnot. There is also another friend, a male, named N. Like how we ate dinner together last night talking about many things, the three of us frequently hang out. We're a group with random members, honestly, since we don't normally accompany each other in our daily live.
Anyway, the book is called "Lelaki Terindah". Wondering what language is that, huh. It's Indonesian, and it literally means "The Most Beautiful Man". I don't read Indonesian novels because...most of them are of romance genre and I just, at any rate, I just don't read Indonesian novels. So I was frankly a bit indifferent when A and N recommended me the book. Because: 1. I don't read Indonesian novels and 2. I don't take recommendations. But they told me that I would lik-- love it so I decided to give it a try.
It's been so long since I last read a book in Indonesian, apart from comic books. Even the last time I read a comic book in Indonesian would be more than half a year ago. It did feel weird at first, reading all those formal Indonesian words... I'm sure other two friends of mine who spent more than half their age abroad would not be able to read the book smoothly lol I felt like I was reading a newspaper but one or two levels more difficult. The author, Andrei Aksana, whose name I'd never heard of before not even once, adds many poetical words and phrases in the book, that's why it's kind of difficult to read. Alas, I had to spend a minute to understand the first couple of sentences I read when opening the book. And those are not even the "book", but a Q&A section with the author. *sigh
Now, you're also probably asking why would I write this journal in English whilst I'm an Indonesian. Well, that's because, writing in my own language about my life feels weird and in fact it gives me goosebumps. But no, seriously, at first I was determined to write in English because I'd been spending several months writing English replies in a Jpop fans forum. That's how all this writing journal in English thing started.
Anyway for a hundredth time, A and N were right. I cried when I was reading the book. Although that kind of pairing between macho strong man and weak woman-like man is very common in BL. I even thought that the author must have not known many gay men in his life, or not done research good enough, as that kind of pairing between two unworldly handsome men (one of them is described as a man with actor-like appearance for whom women will fight each other; and the other has a beautiful, you know, like bishounen features) doesn't represent that much of a percent of real world gay men. Then again, if the story really is based on true story, then the couple is an exception that proves my previous statement.
I love romance stories with the capability of squeezing my heart tight through presentation of depressing conflicts, which eventually lead the two people to true love. I don't know what love is, but I prefer love that is earned in the midst of broken hearts, wounds and tears. When you are with someone but has never encountered sorrow, that's not love. I don't believe in the existence of painless love.
I think I am more sure now of the reason to my reading BL stories. It's not that I particularly like BL, rather, the equal, full of strive love represented in BL (although not all BL) complies to the love I've been idolizing. If that's the reason then it also explains why I like Korean dramas much better than Japanese ones. I have no time and mood left to explain the differences, so just try and compare yourself and you'll see why.