My hat for bad fiction knows no limit
Because we all need some entertaining memes in our livejournal posts.
As most of everyone who'd read this will know I have somehow made a minor quest out of plumbing the depths of horrid sci-fi/fantasy. My personal favorite targets have been David Eddings, for very good reasons and Laurell K Hamilton, for her love of massive were-penis, sexy french vampires, and faeries with super-power granting sex. Now in all fairness to Mrs. Hamilton I'm no longer in her target audience these days for she has given up writing modern supernatural thrillers with a sexy spin on them and graduated into writing full blown monster porn. Not being a 36 year old housewife who's crumbling marriage and demanding kids cause her to retreat into a world where a werewolf can play wack-a-mole with one's cervix I find her recent books to be rather poor. My distaste though would not inspire me to write such vitriolic prose were it not for what I have learned about her most recent book in the Meredith Gentry series.
For the reader who wonders what I'm talking about, I congratulate you on your ignorance and recommend that you leave reading now to protect your fragile innocence. For those already tainted or who have a more adventurous bent, allow me to expose a new world to you. Normally I'd warn of spoilers, but honestly anyone who cares about the plot to these books deserves what they get.
This is world were a faerie princess, Meredith Gentry is exiled due to her half mortal nature and makes a living in LA as a private eye. Until she's driven into a world of faerie politics by the command of her Aunt, the Queen of the Unseelie court, and her cousin's attempts to murder her as potential rival for the throne. Now, this doesn't sound like so bad a plot. Actually there's a lot of potential here for intrigue, romance, duels, and mystery. Or so one might think if they were your average writer, but a genius like L.K. Hamilton sees a brighter idea, sparkle filled faerie sex! So with a posse of six hot men who guard her and sex her up in a quest to birth a child, as the firs. Oh, Miss Meredith's vagina can grant people super powers and her orgasms also cause earthquakes. Supposedly she channels some faerie goddess later books say, but only when she's doing the horizontal mambo. To be fair Hamilton never pretended the books were anything but elf-porn after the initial setup of the first book, hell the first book had the vagina that grants superpowers as whimsically as the editing board for Marvel, so it comes as less of a surprise than the Anita Blake series. Still these books are horrible, I was going to make a cock sucking joke but just didn't have the heart for it.
What could be so bad in her recent novel, the already painfully titled "A Lick of Frost" as to inspire such hatred from me? I mean, I read most of the Anita Blake books, even half of this series, and hell I managed to get through almost every one of Terry Goodkind's Objectivist fantasy rants. Well, it seems that Hamilton's novel ends with the Princess Meredith Gentry pregnant with twins.
You might say something along the lines of: "But Zosimos, that's not so bad the whole point of the books were for her to get knocked up. How that can be so bad?"
Well, it just so happens that her twins have more than one father. Hell, they don't even have one per kid, which would be stupid but at least no more so than the rest of the series. No, her twins have six fathers.
SIX FATHERS, that's an extra four guys who's genetic material decided to toss itself in there. Now, I usually prefer that my fantasy not be tainted by science much of time, as it tends to be rather poorly done. Vampires aren't some disease, they're walking corpses who drink blood. So the many, many problems on a scientific level for having six fathers I can ignore if it is part of a good story. No, what I cannot fathom is that somehow this possibility was never raised by the thirty plus faeries involved intimately, and often very intimately if you catch my drift. Before this book, the possibility has never even been hinted at as far as I know, but wham now we've got faeries who are like genetic martini mixing machines. Taking hundreds of ingredients and spitting out a well served drink and child.
Hell, that should be on the next book, Meredith Gentry: Her vagina grants more super powers than a gamma bomb and her womb mixes genes faster than the X-men on Temptation Island.
As most of everyone who'd read this will know I have somehow made a minor quest out of plumbing the depths of horrid sci-fi/fantasy. My personal favorite targets have been David Eddings, for very good reasons and Laurell K Hamilton, for her love of massive were-penis, sexy french vampires, and faeries with super-power granting sex. Now in all fairness to Mrs. Hamilton I'm no longer in her target audience these days for she has given up writing modern supernatural thrillers with a sexy spin on them and graduated into writing full blown monster porn. Not being a 36 year old housewife who's crumbling marriage and demanding kids cause her to retreat into a world where a werewolf can play wack-a-mole with one's cervix I find her recent books to be rather poor. My distaste though would not inspire me to write such vitriolic prose were it not for what I have learned about her most recent book in the Meredith Gentry series.
For the reader who wonders what I'm talking about, I congratulate you on your ignorance and recommend that you leave reading now to protect your fragile innocence. For those already tainted or who have a more adventurous bent, allow me to expose a new world to you. Normally I'd warn of spoilers, but honestly anyone who cares about the plot to these books deserves what they get.
This is world were a faerie princess, Meredith Gentry is exiled due to her half mortal nature and makes a living in LA as a private eye. Until she's driven into a world of faerie politics by the command of her Aunt, the Queen of the Unseelie court, and her cousin's attempts to murder her as potential rival for the throne. Now, this doesn't sound like so bad a plot. Actually there's a lot of potential here for intrigue, romance, duels, and mystery. Or so one might think if they were your average writer, but a genius like L.K. Hamilton sees a brighter idea, sparkle filled faerie sex! So with a posse of six hot men who guard her and sex her up in a quest to birth a child, as the firs. Oh, Miss Meredith's vagina can grant people super powers and her orgasms also cause earthquakes. Supposedly she channels some faerie goddess later books say, but only when she's doing the horizontal mambo. To be fair Hamilton never pretended the books were anything but elf-porn after the initial setup of the first book, hell the first book had the vagina that grants superpowers as whimsically as the editing board for Marvel, so it comes as less of a surprise than the Anita Blake series. Still these books are horrible, I was going to make a cock sucking joke but just didn't have the heart for it.
What could be so bad in her recent novel, the already painfully titled "A Lick of Frost" as to inspire such hatred from me? I mean, I read most of the Anita Blake books, even half of this series, and hell I managed to get through almost every one of Terry Goodkind's Objectivist fantasy rants. Well, it seems that Hamilton's novel ends with the Princess Meredith Gentry pregnant with twins.
You might say something along the lines of: "But Zosimos, that's not so bad the whole point of the books were for her to get knocked up. How that can be so bad?"
Well, it just so happens that her twins have more than one father. Hell, they don't even have one per kid, which would be stupid but at least no more so than the rest of the series. No, her twins have six fathers.
SIX FATHERS, that's an extra four guys who's genetic material decided to toss itself in there. Now, I usually prefer that my fantasy not be tainted by science much of time, as it tends to be rather poorly done. Vampires aren't some disease, they're walking corpses who drink blood. So the many, many problems on a scientific level for having six fathers I can ignore if it is part of a good story. No, what I cannot fathom is that somehow this possibility was never raised by the thirty plus faeries involved intimately, and often very intimately if you catch my drift. Before this book, the possibility has never even been hinted at as far as I know, but wham now we've got faeries who are like genetic martini mixing machines. Taking hundreds of ingredients and spitting out a well served drink and child.
Hell, that should be on the next book, Meredith Gentry: Her vagina grants more super powers than a gamma bomb and her womb mixes genes faster than the X-men on Temptation Island.