hey, remember me?
so it was brought to my attention that i have not updated this in quite a while. so it is way slow at work today, and i will update.
My Dad is doing really great. We are so lucky that things have turned out the way they have. Next week he goes in for his 100 days check up, where hopefully he will get the thing (i forget the name...) out of his chest that they were using instead of having to poke him with IVs every week. Also, if all is well, he can go out to eat. Which we want so that we can do our traditional christmas eve dinner. But his hair is growing back and he even has a mustache again, and he is looking healthier than he has in a long time. We are really grateful.
Working full time is lame. haha. im sure everyone knew that though. im so tired by the end of the day, and then i feel silly cuz i mean...i was sititng in front of a computer all day. I am still teaching ballet twice a week, which is nice.But i really wish i could do that full time. there arent enough classrooms though, so i am left with very little. I only have one class that is actually a recital dance class. so sad. but all my creative energies will go into that dance, and it will be awesome. i am determined. But working the full time thing, waking up in the morning, is so not my thing. I get along with my co workers really well though. They are all just a big bunch of nerds who talk about video games all day. its crazy that i can actually get in that conversatio now. Im such a video game geek now it cracks me up. But hey, no money + need fun= play video games. and i think the system works. But ya at work i feel like Wendy with the Lost Boys. They talk to me about their drama in their lives and whatnot. and i bring candy and recently we have been making origami things when its really slow. hehe. i have a great team, and i really think they are the only reason i enjoy this job right now. otherwise i think i would go crazy with how mundane it is, and having to hear people complaining about the most retarded things and tell me im worthless.
i have dark red hair now. ya. its crazy. hehehe. i love it though. its a nice change and i dunno i felt rejuvenated after doing it. i think back to 4 years ago alot and how much i have changed since starting college, and it really makes me laugh. I mean, i have tattoos and plan on getting more (once you know...i have money...) i graduated with a degree in advertising...wtf? haha. I am working in an office job? whaza? hahaha. it also amazes me at how many people i do not talk to now. that i have been able to close those doors/ i was able to say...hey you're an ass and i dont deserve this, and slam the door. even if i never said anything to them and just..stopped talking...thats a big accomplishment for me. i never could do that before. i was always so afraid of losing friends. but the events that have taken place over the course of these 4 years has really weeded out those who truly care for my friendship, and those i still talk to i am grateful for, for they understand my flaws and my past and still are there for me. it does make me sad that there are some i knew for so long who are no longer a part of my life, but i feel they did not want me in theirs by their actions. *shrug* cest la vie.
i actually miss school. i know that sounds crazy, but its true. one thing i miss alot is my art classes i had my last semester, they were art history and tons of fun. not to mention i aced them. i also still want to learn japanese, so im thinking of taking a course this summer at ooc maybe. and maybe ill throw in an art class too hehe.
the one thing that is driving me nuts right now is that i am so afriad to dance. i took a couple of classes when we came back this year and after jsut a couple, my hip went out on me in the middle of teaching, and i was incapacitated for 3 days. it was horrible. so now even though i want more than anything to take classes, im just so afraid to because i dont want to hurt myself and make it so that i cannot even teach. its so frustrating being so scared of my own body.
Something else plagueing my mind has been nathan. i hate it so much, as much as i hate him. i still have nightmares where i see him at my parents house one day when i come to visit, and he is there with casey, and casey calls me mommy and holds up a picture of me. and nathan tries to hurt me, hurt my family, hurt anyone i know. always the same dreams. i then for a few days after that im so paranoid of seeing him everywhere i feel stupid. i went to a psycho at csuf back when i was still in school, hoping to get some sort of help, but they only handle short term issues apparently. she recommended me to a group therapy thing for abused women...but i just cant talk about this in front of people. that time with nathan has left some deep scars and i keep trying so hard to move past them, ignore them, anything. i jsut dont want to talk about them. theres so much i am sure i dont remember, and the things i do fill me with rage and hate and hurt all at the same time. i just dont think i could handle having more memories haunting me than i already do. i really dont know where to go or what to do to rid myself of his horrible effect on my mind. bastard.
On a lighter note, haha....things with brandon are great. we're working on moving out this spring, and paying off our debt, and i jsut bought his car. im really excited about moving out and being completely on our own together. its so funny because family asks ohh when is he going to put that ring on your finger? and really, its funny because im secure in our relationship. i dont need that ring right now. we both know we plan on being together and getting married. just not right now. as brandon once said, he has to finance my ring. hehehehe
So...that's me. nice to meet you again.
My Dad is doing really great. We are so lucky that things have turned out the way they have. Next week he goes in for his 100 days check up, where hopefully he will get the thing (i forget the name...) out of his chest that they were using instead of having to poke him with IVs every week. Also, if all is well, he can go out to eat. Which we want so that we can do our traditional christmas eve dinner. But his hair is growing back and he even has a mustache again, and he is looking healthier than he has in a long time. We are really grateful.
Working full time is lame. haha. im sure everyone knew that though. im so tired by the end of the day, and then i feel silly cuz i mean...i was sititng in front of a computer all day. I am still teaching ballet twice a week, which is nice.But i really wish i could do that full time. there arent enough classrooms though, so i am left with very little. I only have one class that is actually a recital dance class. so sad. but all my creative energies will go into that dance, and it will be awesome. i am determined. But working the full time thing, waking up in the morning, is so not my thing. I get along with my co workers really well though. They are all just a big bunch of nerds who talk about video games all day. its crazy that i can actually get in that conversatio now. Im such a video game geek now it cracks me up. But hey, no money + need fun= play video games. and i think the system works. But ya at work i feel like Wendy with the Lost Boys. They talk to me about their drama in their lives and whatnot. and i bring candy and recently we have been making origami things when its really slow. hehe. i have a great team, and i really think they are the only reason i enjoy this job right now. otherwise i think i would go crazy with how mundane it is, and having to hear people complaining about the most retarded things and tell me im worthless.
i have dark red hair now. ya. its crazy. hehehe. i love it though. its a nice change and i dunno i felt rejuvenated after doing it. i think back to 4 years ago alot and how much i have changed since starting college, and it really makes me laugh. I mean, i have tattoos and plan on getting more (once you know...i have money...) i graduated with a degree in advertising...wtf? haha. I am working in an office job? whaza? hahaha. it also amazes me at how many people i do not talk to now. that i have been able to close those doors/ i was able to say...hey you're an ass and i dont deserve this, and slam the door. even if i never said anything to them and just..stopped talking...thats a big accomplishment for me. i never could do that before. i was always so afraid of losing friends. but the events that have taken place over the course of these 4 years has really weeded out those who truly care for my friendship, and those i still talk to i am grateful for, for they understand my flaws and my past and still are there for me. it does make me sad that there are some i knew for so long who are no longer a part of my life, but i feel they did not want me in theirs by their actions. *shrug* cest la vie.
i actually miss school. i know that sounds crazy, but its true. one thing i miss alot is my art classes i had my last semester, they were art history and tons of fun. not to mention i aced them. i also still want to learn japanese, so im thinking of taking a course this summer at ooc maybe. and maybe ill throw in an art class too hehe.
the one thing that is driving me nuts right now is that i am so afriad to dance. i took a couple of classes when we came back this year and after jsut a couple, my hip went out on me in the middle of teaching, and i was incapacitated for 3 days. it was horrible. so now even though i want more than anything to take classes, im just so afraid to because i dont want to hurt myself and make it so that i cannot even teach. its so frustrating being so scared of my own body.
Something else plagueing my mind has been nathan. i hate it so much, as much as i hate him. i still have nightmares where i see him at my parents house one day when i come to visit, and he is there with casey, and casey calls me mommy and holds up a picture of me. and nathan tries to hurt me, hurt my family, hurt anyone i know. always the same dreams. i then for a few days after that im so paranoid of seeing him everywhere i feel stupid. i went to a psycho at csuf back when i was still in school, hoping to get some sort of help, but they only handle short term issues apparently. she recommended me to a group therapy thing for abused women...but i just cant talk about this in front of people. that time with nathan has left some deep scars and i keep trying so hard to move past them, ignore them, anything. i jsut dont want to talk about them. theres so much i am sure i dont remember, and the things i do fill me with rage and hate and hurt all at the same time. i just dont think i could handle having more memories haunting me than i already do. i really dont know where to go or what to do to rid myself of his horrible effect on my mind. bastard.
On a lighter note, haha....things with brandon are great. we're working on moving out this spring, and paying off our debt, and i jsut bought his car. im really excited about moving out and being completely on our own together. its so funny because family asks ohh when is he going to put that ring on your finger? and really, its funny because im secure in our relationship. i dont need that ring right now. we both know we plan on being together and getting married. just not right now. as brandon once said, he has to finance my ring. hehehehe
So...that's me. nice to meet you again.