(no subject)
i'm a fucking buddhist
this is enlightenment
monday
contrary to last weekend, monday came far too fast this time. shows what a change in sentiment can do to the rate at which time passes. perhaps we should inform the physicists?
i have started my morning with a cup of chai tea that actually had sugar and milk in it. indu would roll her eyes that i call it chai, of course, as it didn't start with whole cardamom and cinnamon but with a stash double spice chai tea bag. chai isn't really my thing - the only hot beverage i want dairy and sugar in is cocoa - but it was nice today.
mood: 7/10
wednesday
up and down, up and down. today i'm very susceptible to aggravation. i know why, and i can clearly say that i don't appreciate at all having my emotional well-being so heavily dependent on behavioral clues from someone else. i feel like a puppet with my seemingly constant need for affection as the insatiable ogre that jerks me around. what happened to my famed self-sufficiency regarding all things emotional? i'm ready to get off this ride now, thank you.
my irritability made me snap at arindam this morning, made me yell curses in the car when i hit every light between the apartment and the train station (and thus missed the train by the length of time it takes to park the car and get on top of the platform), made me drive angrily as i waited eleven minutes to get through one intersection and onto the freeway, and has caused me to sit here all morning distracted and unhappy about the seeming inefficiency of cartooning a set for which none of the placeholders have anything to do with the project.
and because acquiring something clever or beautiful is like a temp fix of prozac for me, i want to walk out of the office and go shopping. outlook sucks? make it over. it's as though my life is made up of objects that go together like a puzzle, and the more i can perfect the puzzle pieces, the serener my life will be. or perhaps a better analogy is that i feel like a set designer, and i when i am low i am driven to make something in the scene more perfect. it is no doubt a coping mechanism. my environment is all i have control over. if i had better pieces, the big picture wouldn't skew so badly. (and that, my friends, is how i explain how having a pottery barn couch and clothes from banana republic would make me a happier person.)
problem is usually that the sets i want to stage are much bigger than the spaces i am allowed. that's natural, since my visions for my life are bigger than my reality tenfold. i used to think i belonged in interior design so i could manifest all these scenes in other people's spaces with other people's money. then i discovered you had to decorate to their tastes and not yours (what a drag).
same goes for my closet. although there you have the added psychodrama of my physical and social insecurities played against the clothes i can actually afford and that's the ugliest bloodiest battle you've ever seen.
time's up. too short a lunch break.
mood: 3/10
things fuck up sometimes
you know they do, girls
you know they do
this is enlightenment
monday
contrary to last weekend, monday came far too fast this time. shows what a change in sentiment can do to the rate at which time passes. perhaps we should inform the physicists?
i have started my morning with a cup of chai tea that actually had sugar and milk in it. indu would roll her eyes that i call it chai, of course, as it didn't start with whole cardamom and cinnamon but with a stash double spice chai tea bag. chai isn't really my thing - the only hot beverage i want dairy and sugar in is cocoa - but it was nice today.
mood: 7/10
wednesday
up and down, up and down. today i'm very susceptible to aggravation. i know why, and i can clearly say that i don't appreciate at all having my emotional well-being so heavily dependent on behavioral clues from someone else. i feel like a puppet with my seemingly constant need for affection as the insatiable ogre that jerks me around. what happened to my famed self-sufficiency regarding all things emotional? i'm ready to get off this ride now, thank you.
my irritability made me snap at arindam this morning, made me yell curses in the car when i hit every light between the apartment and the train station (and thus missed the train by the length of time it takes to park the car and get on top of the platform), made me drive angrily as i waited eleven minutes to get through one intersection and onto the freeway, and has caused me to sit here all morning distracted and unhappy about the seeming inefficiency of cartooning a set for which none of the placeholders have anything to do with the project.
and because acquiring something clever or beautiful is like a temp fix of prozac for me, i want to walk out of the office and go shopping. outlook sucks? make it over. it's as though my life is made up of objects that go together like a puzzle, and the more i can perfect the puzzle pieces, the serener my life will be. or perhaps a better analogy is that i feel like a set designer, and i when i am low i am driven to make something in the scene more perfect. it is no doubt a coping mechanism. my environment is all i have control over. if i had better pieces, the big picture wouldn't skew so badly. (and that, my friends, is how i explain how having a pottery barn couch and clothes from banana republic would make me a happier person.)
problem is usually that the sets i want to stage are much bigger than the spaces i am allowed. that's natural, since my visions for my life are bigger than my reality tenfold. i used to think i belonged in interior design so i could manifest all these scenes in other people's spaces with other people's money. then i discovered you had to decorate to their tastes and not yours (what a drag).
same goes for my closet. although there you have the added psychodrama of my physical and social insecurities played against the clothes i can actually afford and that's the ugliest bloodiest battle you've ever seen.
time's up. too short a lunch break.
mood: 3/10
things fuck up sometimes
you know they do, girls
you know they do