calculate duration between two dates
It is 624 days from the start date to the end date, end date included.
Or 1 year, 8 months, 17 days including the end date.
we are doing our very best to put on happy faces.
when what saddens you is the loss of something that makes you happy, happiness can be harder to bear than the sadness. watching movie previews at the theater monday was painful. the anticipation of oh, i want to see that was followed so quickly by but i won't get to see it with you that it made me dizzy. at the fireworks last night, being seated by a middle-aged couple who were still in love with each other after years of marriage made me want to turn my face down into the masses-trodden grass and let go of this mask of composure i'm carrying around.
it's agonizing to let go of someone whom you still consider a perfect mate for yourself. more so to still be living together but know exactly when the last day is. i am trying to be big, i am trying to love enough to let go, i am trying to be brave and soldier through what all considerations point to as the right thing to do.
it'll be easier once i'm on the other side of it, i know. what i don't know is how long it will take me to reach the other side. or how much of this can i bear without cracking.
here at work, andy has had a baby. he's out on paternity leave, a new concept for me insofar as i come from a conservative patriarchal subculture where men don't take off just because the wifey had a kid, and certainly not for several weeks as andy has done. he sent in a little jpg announcement with pics of baby, wife, and self. i know i'm a little uneven right now, and susceptible in ways that i would not normally be, but i was unprepared for how the pictures would slay me. i realized for the first time that andy's wife is asian, which makes both guys here at work part of international couples. not the best time in my life to be reminded that international coupling works all the time, even ends up in marriage and babies and joyfulness. (don't even ask me how i'm going to deal with the fact that the girl slated to be my new roommate has an indian boyfriend and that she's looking forward to talking to me because i'm the only other white girl she's met who has (had) one too.)
the other thing evident in the pictures that gets under my skin is the image of stability and adventure. i don't long for a baby after seeing pictures of darling benjamin, but i do long for the sense of knowing absolutely who you're with, the sense of stability that the commitment of a child required. who am i with? i still feel like i'm with arindam, and i worry about how long it is going to take me to recognize that i have lost him. once that loss is real to me, there is going to be a battle for my immediate future. on one side will be the longing for locked-in stability with another person, and on the other side is going to be the safety of aloneness. will i take one hundred steps backwards and be what i was before him? it might be one of the most shameful things of my life if i regress to the mindset of aloneness that was my trademark for so long. but my singleness forever and ever amen was a beautiful cocoon that buffered all kinds of hurt and dissatisfaction. plus it let me be gloriously selfish with minimal repercussions.
as for adventure, arindam has been the best partner for adventure that i have ever had, man, woman, child, adult, acquaintance, or friend. it's hard to describe how good it felt to embark on something new with him. there were some life-changing adventures i dared to look forward to with him by my side, and now i've got to figure out how to get past them.
it's impossible not to mourn the loss of dreams, they are as real as anything else.
Or 1 year, 8 months, 17 days including the end date.
we are doing our very best to put on happy faces.
when what saddens you is the loss of something that makes you happy, happiness can be harder to bear than the sadness. watching movie previews at the theater monday was painful. the anticipation of oh, i want to see that was followed so quickly by but i won't get to see it with you that it made me dizzy. at the fireworks last night, being seated by a middle-aged couple who were still in love with each other after years of marriage made me want to turn my face down into the masses-trodden grass and let go of this mask of composure i'm carrying around.
it's agonizing to let go of someone whom you still consider a perfect mate for yourself. more so to still be living together but know exactly when the last day is. i am trying to be big, i am trying to love enough to let go, i am trying to be brave and soldier through what all considerations point to as the right thing to do.
it'll be easier once i'm on the other side of it, i know. what i don't know is how long it will take me to reach the other side. or how much of this can i bear without cracking.
here at work, andy has had a baby. he's out on paternity leave, a new concept for me insofar as i come from a conservative patriarchal subculture where men don't take off just because the wifey had a kid, and certainly not for several weeks as andy has done. he sent in a little jpg announcement with pics of baby, wife, and self. i know i'm a little uneven right now, and susceptible in ways that i would not normally be, but i was unprepared for how the pictures would slay me. i realized for the first time that andy's wife is asian, which makes both guys here at work part of international couples. not the best time in my life to be reminded that international coupling works all the time, even ends up in marriage and babies and joyfulness. (don't even ask me how i'm going to deal with the fact that the girl slated to be my new roommate has an indian boyfriend and that she's looking forward to talking to me because i'm the only other white girl she's met who has (had) one too.)
the other thing evident in the pictures that gets under my skin is the image of stability and adventure. i don't long for a baby after seeing pictures of darling benjamin, but i do long for the sense of knowing absolutely who you're with, the sense of stability that the commitment of a child required. who am i with? i still feel like i'm with arindam, and i worry about how long it is going to take me to recognize that i have lost him. once that loss is real to me, there is going to be a battle for my immediate future. on one side will be the longing for locked-in stability with another person, and on the other side is going to be the safety of aloneness. will i take one hundred steps backwards and be what i was before him? it might be one of the most shameful things of my life if i regress to the mindset of aloneness that was my trademark for so long. but my singleness forever and ever amen was a beautiful cocoon that buffered all kinds of hurt and dissatisfaction. plus it let me be gloriously selfish with minimal repercussions.
as for adventure, arindam has been the best partner for adventure that i have ever had, man, woman, child, adult, acquaintance, or friend. it's hard to describe how good it felt to embark on something new with him. there were some life-changing adventures i dared to look forward to with him by my side, and now i've got to figure out how to get past them.
it's impossible not to mourn the loss of dreams, they are as real as anything else.