Been a while
Its been a while since I posted, but since no one really checks this thing, I suppose this could be considered less open to the public. I can't deny my feelings any longer which I have held back for quite a bit because it seems useless at times. I have been sad and even though I know I have lots of things to be greatful for, I can't seem to shake the insecurity I deal with. I have tried to be a good person despite all that I have gone through and how angry I am with people. I know the way I live now is hard because of how I think about things, so it's harder to relate to a lot of people. It's not me being cocky or arragont either, it's just the truth. I think differently and since that makes it harder for people to relate, it therefor makes it more difficult for me to be a social person.
For example: If you grew up with a custom that you have always known and treasured, maybe something like a philosophy such as 'being content with yourself brings a lot of joy', but everyone you meet is bitter, hateful, and mean as a custom, it would single you out. It's not saying that the way you think is better, it's just simply the way you live and being around a population of people who simply don't feel that way. That's exactly how I feel. I believe that it's hard and maybe others don't view it that way, but I find it difficult to connect to others. It's been that way for me pretty much all my life and I learned to just cope. I just can't be strong all the time and deal with it all the time.
I suppose it makes me feel weak and fake, like I just don't belong here at times. I'm harsh to myself a lot but I can't help it with the conditions I'm put under. I do have people in my life who understand me and that's great, but I still feel lonely. I still have a void that's never filled and I can't do much about it. I try to fill it, but it's all artifical feelings that people simply toss around. I think I been questioning my exisitance ever since I felt disconnected from people at a young age. I felt that maybe they just were trying to let me know one way or another that I wasn't suppose to be happy with the way I was. I really didn't want to give up what I thought and felt just because everyone else felt that way. I didn't want to sacrifcie my individuality for all that, but we all have a price to pay I suppose. As foolish and childish as it sounds, I didn't want to be like everyone else, but I never thought that people would be quick to dismiss me because of it. Then again, children at that age don't know much to begin with, so they judge you easily.
I used to be more bitter before and always had something negative to say about almost everyone, but I feel my feelings remained the same but the way I dealt with it changed a lot. Instead of trying to fight it all, I have accepted a lot which is the more reasonable choice, but I haven't been able to gain back all that happiness I once had. There are still bits and pieces I haven't recovered and therefor still bring me down. Granted, my life more than ever has been resolved and I truly feel like I am much happier, but everyone has issues and things they have to deal with, it's just life. It is all the thought process that helps cope with those issues.
I suppose now I'm just not sure exactly how to feel at times. If I'm happy, I'm happy and if I'm sad, I'm sad, but how much am I kidding myself when I'm like that? How much can I believe is real or fake? For all that I been through the one thing that drives me crazy is when I question reality. I sometimes feel that this life isn't real or that something isn't right. I want to give up and then there are times I don't. When I thought about too much I almost felt that I already lived for all I wanted, just to prove I could overcome everything but to just be back at the same place I was, still feeling out of place. I may have dealt with and overcome everything I needed to in order to be happy, but I'm still out of place despite that. Maybe I'm just still being negative and thinking about all the unhappiness, but I suppose that's why that void must be filled. The void I can't fill makes all these feelings seem useless to me, I want to be able to have my feelings justified by people other than my family and really close friends. It may sound selfish, but I feel that's what true love is like. Someone who accepts you deeply for the thing you have become and finds the truth in all you feel.
I think not having a relationship for over four years really got to me recently because I just want to be understood and loved. Family almost seems like a given sometimes as foolish as that sounds and close friends, it's not truly the same. I know someday I will find someone who will see my value, but I also have to face reality and not get to close to an imaginary life-style of love that people can confuse easily. Most people watch movies and see these artifical sugar-coated love stories that aren't real and base their relationship on that. It's more than 'love at first sight' or 'knowing they were meant to be' in short periods of time. It's like everything else, something you work for and value in time. Nothing comes to you right away, but I sometimes fall short because of society, so I must not forget the truth behind these situations.
Perhaps this period in my life has drawn me back a bit because I really have grown tired of working at this, but I shouldn't consider throwing it away either. It's just difficult for me at times and there isn't the help I desire when I need it. I'm sure like everything else, I will find a way like I always have and keep my head up, but for right now, I feel the need to grieve a bit just to cope with the situation.
For example: If you grew up with a custom that you have always known and treasured, maybe something like a philosophy such as 'being content with yourself brings a lot of joy', but everyone you meet is bitter, hateful, and mean as a custom, it would single you out. It's not saying that the way you think is better, it's just simply the way you live and being around a population of people who simply don't feel that way. That's exactly how I feel. I believe that it's hard and maybe others don't view it that way, but I find it difficult to connect to others. It's been that way for me pretty much all my life and I learned to just cope. I just can't be strong all the time and deal with it all the time.
I suppose it makes me feel weak and fake, like I just don't belong here at times. I'm harsh to myself a lot but I can't help it with the conditions I'm put under. I do have people in my life who understand me and that's great, but I still feel lonely. I still have a void that's never filled and I can't do much about it. I try to fill it, but it's all artifical feelings that people simply toss around. I think I been questioning my exisitance ever since I felt disconnected from people at a young age. I felt that maybe they just were trying to let me know one way or another that I wasn't suppose to be happy with the way I was. I really didn't want to give up what I thought and felt just because everyone else felt that way. I didn't want to sacrifcie my individuality for all that, but we all have a price to pay I suppose. As foolish and childish as it sounds, I didn't want to be like everyone else, but I never thought that people would be quick to dismiss me because of it. Then again, children at that age don't know much to begin with, so they judge you easily.
I used to be more bitter before and always had something negative to say about almost everyone, but I feel my feelings remained the same but the way I dealt with it changed a lot. Instead of trying to fight it all, I have accepted a lot which is the more reasonable choice, but I haven't been able to gain back all that happiness I once had. There are still bits and pieces I haven't recovered and therefor still bring me down. Granted, my life more than ever has been resolved and I truly feel like I am much happier, but everyone has issues and things they have to deal with, it's just life. It is all the thought process that helps cope with those issues.
I suppose now I'm just not sure exactly how to feel at times. If I'm happy, I'm happy and if I'm sad, I'm sad, but how much am I kidding myself when I'm like that? How much can I believe is real or fake? For all that I been through the one thing that drives me crazy is when I question reality. I sometimes feel that this life isn't real or that something isn't right. I want to give up and then there are times I don't. When I thought about too much I almost felt that I already lived for all I wanted, just to prove I could overcome everything but to just be back at the same place I was, still feeling out of place. I may have dealt with and overcome everything I needed to in order to be happy, but I'm still out of place despite that. Maybe I'm just still being negative and thinking about all the unhappiness, but I suppose that's why that void must be filled. The void I can't fill makes all these feelings seem useless to me, I want to be able to have my feelings justified by people other than my family and really close friends. It may sound selfish, but I feel that's what true love is like. Someone who accepts you deeply for the thing you have become and finds the truth in all you feel.
I think not having a relationship for over four years really got to me recently because I just want to be understood and loved. Family almost seems like a given sometimes as foolish as that sounds and close friends, it's not truly the same. I know someday I will find someone who will see my value, but I also have to face reality and not get to close to an imaginary life-style of love that people can confuse easily. Most people watch movies and see these artifical sugar-coated love stories that aren't real and base their relationship on that. It's more than 'love at first sight' or 'knowing they were meant to be' in short periods of time. It's like everything else, something you work for and value in time. Nothing comes to you right away, but I sometimes fall short because of society, so I must not forget the truth behind these situations.
Perhaps this period in my life has drawn me back a bit because I really have grown tired of working at this, but I shouldn't consider throwing it away either. It's just difficult for me at times and there isn't the help I desire when I need it. I'm sure like everything else, I will find a way like I always have and keep my head up, but for right now, I feel the need to grieve a bit just to cope with the situation.