A long damn update.
I slept through my alarm today - a first for me. I think that I was still a bit drugged from eating out with my friends two days ago. We went to Olive Garden (which means that I brought my own food), but just being in the restaurant was enough to kick me off. As soon as I felt that dizziness and confusion just around the edges of my consciousness
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...Apollo is a very nice name for him. So reagal and firey. Very nice! ^_^ *nodnodnod*
....To be perfectly honest.. that was me. I guess I wasn't logged in when I posted and didn't notice because there were new posts.
...And.. well...
......I know I haven't posted much on it.. and it's kind of because I don't want peopel who can get ahold of me to hear about it.. but...
Things are unfortunate here as well. I've nearly hit the point of wanting to stop feeling like everythign will get better and just give it up.. but nothing will let me.
I haven't had the fear thing... not.. really.. It's... not as strong and defined, it's too muddied wit other emotions to be called that. But I've sat on my couch staring into space for fair amounts of time, randomly finding myself needing to try to feebly hide the fact that I'm bursting into tears from my roommates. And all the while I don't want to talk with these people, don't want to do those things. Sometimes it feels like I don't even deserve what I have.
And for a while now I've been somewhat leery of water and being alone, because I was absolutely certain that drowning wouldn't hurt that badly, and was a viable solution to my life, considering this while randomly doing this and that, even when working. The idea still lurks there in the back of my mind... though much more quietly than last week.
Is it 'normal?' I can't really say. But maybe we're just not normal people, and that's okay. But one thing's for sure. WHen an INFP breaks, it isn't just a crack - the wolrd itself seems to shatter in the wake of their steps... even if he or she is the only one able to tell.
......And now I'm sort of left wondering if I've somehow belittled you with all these words, hoping I haven't and that you understand and that it's all okay. ....Please let me know if I am out of line.
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I always like the fact that you make me think - even when I do not know when you are the initial poster! ;)
Maybe we just aren't normal people. Personality does indeed factor into this, I'm sure; the world just isn't built for people like us. It's hard to swim upstream all of the time. Besides this, it does make sense that the INFP would be more suceptible to coming apart completely in situations like this. After all, the external world will always be screwy, and we know and mourn this - but when the inner world is tumultuous INFPs in particular have nothing to ground ourselves in. We need our inner peace so badly.
Anxiety does tend to muddle itself into everything else for me - but, again, I just don't know what it is like to not be anxious. I didn't realize it was such a big problem for me right now - the death thoughts are what made me seek help this time around.
Everything you've said is very familiar to me. Hiding stuff like this from others is so hard, and I think that that's one reason why I've started posting about it here. It is making it easier to accept, you know? I still have the issues, but at least someone understands that I'm not just being lazy or stuck-up or irresponsible. Someone knows that I'm really trying as hard as I possibly can - which is what I've always done.
I used to think about the drowning thing, too - but I'm so at home in the water that I'd almost feel that it would've been disrespectful for me to do something like that in a place I love so much. Mine have almost always been about heights - which is interesting, as heights are one of the last fears that I haven't been able to conquer.
Promise me that you'll hang in there too, OK? We'll hang in there together. :)
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[I was gonna start with better things, but decided to get this out of the way first]
For me, it's usually kitchen knives and a fleeting wonder of how badly it would actually hurt. This is typically followed by a severe chastising of myself for even considering such a thing. Or crying because I thought of it. ...Somehow I always seem to end up handling them when I get that bad. It's kind of weird. The drowning thing mostly came from a recent weird experience that left me feeling that drowning wouldn't be so bad.
..Which, in the end, is kind of weird because I also have a strong affinity for water, and this strange feeling about the idea because water is a life giving thing, not a life taking thing.
It is rahter odd that you'd tend toward heights. I can't even begin to wrap my head around that! ....Maybe it's because it, in itself, defies you. Hum.
But that's starting to get bleh to talk about! ...ANd so I think this is probably going to end up at the top of the comment before I'm done, rather than after the INFP talk. [and in fact it has been, obviously. XD]
Yeah.. it is hard to swim upstream all the time. INFPs are amazing because we can do it for what seems like forever, long past the point when other people say "I would have given up forever ago!" I know it to be true because just two evening ago my roommate gave it as a reason not to hate myself. But.. we also have that habbit of suddenly just breaking. I've often compared it to being a Mac, rather than a Windows machine. You know when a Windows computer is going to go down most of the time; it starts giving various warning signs. A Mac goes "I'm fine!" until suddenly you find yourself reaching for the hard reset button.
And having that inner world, that sanctuary.. having that in a threatened state does it worse than anything else. The 'safe place' becomes a reminder of everythign that is wrong, and there's no running from it! It's horrible! *_*
My roommate asked me "Is it so bad to be down here with the rest of us?" in refference to how I tend to seem to try to float above the external world. ...I don't think I ever answered that. I'm not sure I can yet.
But one great thing about being an INFP is that when you do suddenly just shatter, when you're ifnally put back together all the way, it seems so much stronger than before.
I know we can both make it through. It's not in our nature to just give up like that. We may want to for the longest time, and maybe even find ourselves begging the powers that be to let us just finally collapse and end it all, but we know we can't accept that. We're built Ford Tough and things! XD
And we'll keep on truckin.
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