DON'T....GET....IT.

[zombiesatemymom]

these are the things in my life that are currently bothering me-

drug use
creating my own reality
and how to do it
people's opinions on my lifestyle
work
money
music
business
the secret
music industry
fame
money
fans
vanity
struggle
creation
god
the moment
reasons to live
motivation
love
HATE
anger
violence
peace
irony
girls
sex
breasts
masturbating
cumming
orgasms
heroin
acid
marijuana
alcohol
beer
users
parties
raves
djs
people
sex
society
babies
marriage
christianity
marilyn manson
mindless self indulgence
vanity
hair
fashion
changing

these are the things that i like about my life-

spirituality
finding myself
emotions
intuitions
positivity
strength
making love
romance
people
joy
being
christ
buddha
saviors
freedom
the moment
eckhart tolle
the silver lining
silence
peace
air
water
lungs
heart

this is the power of the contrasts in my life, to create confusion and disorder amongst a silent, omnipresent background that neither judges or influences or manipulates, so much as i try to.

i watched slc punk. raised some questions in my mind...what i do with age, what i do with time, what i do with my mind, what i do with life, the silent one. how much tension and stress i cause myself and my ways of relieving it and escaping it.

everything seems to be an escape, even the good things. the good things escape the bad things, and the bad things escape the good things, but they are on the same side. doesn't really matter which side you are on.

i feel as though a ghost is moving my hands right now, i'm speaking from a deep and silent place, my eyes are just watching the words come out.

i want to express something. i came here to teach, but i'm not sure how or what. i feel i was placed on this planet to do some good, though it seems odd to me that the bad seems to outweigh the good. i'm confused by their contrasts and their existances. why should one or the other exist, and why do i prefer the good when the bad will always be there?

why prefer one or the other? i don't understand how to apply this.

i need help, i am scared, i am afraid, i am lonely.

though i'm not sure how i can feel this way when i know everything is alright.

really, everything is alright.

so why do ANY-thing??

i don't get why i don't just sit in one place and close my eyes all the time, seems to make more sense, seems that i would not escape my peace, but perhaps my peace is too much? maybe i like to leave it for long periods of time to come back and appreciate it.

this is all life seems to be, disorder, then peace, disorder, then peace. over and over. not one or the other, so why fight for one or the other?

they both have a place...so what am i supposed to do? what am i supposed to teach?

that everything is alright? fine, i will do that however i like, doesn't really seem to matter what it is...ever.

but i THINK it's what it is, and that's the problem, that's really the problem.

no matter how they paint it and make it look really, really good, that is it.

what else is there? what else? what's the point? what's the point?

any point?

no point?

then it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter.

so what matters?

nothing.

nothing is something.

something is nothing.

nothing is everything.

everything is nothing.

everything is something.

nothing is everything.

and so on.

where does that lead me?

nothing, something, whatever.