disappointment
feeling so lonely and betrayed by the world right now. it's nothing too unexpected because i knew the friends i worked with aren't particularly driven for music or aren't too terribly easy to work with, so what am i to do? work by myself? seems to make the most sense, could be what i want the most anyways all along. so why am i pretending? wouldn't this whole thing just work out easier if i were doing it alone? but then i think of thoughts of loneliness...seems inevitable when the world is so difficult to love. they make themselves SO HARD to help! and maybe i'm just as stubborn, but at least i'm trying!! i don't feel the world is really trying or looking to overcome their problems or even aware of what they are for that matter!! am i really the only one who has to share this consciousness with god?? or am i just kidding myself and is it all really an emotional issue? if it's being lonely that makes us all the same, then i am lonely too. i guess there's no real difference there. why am i lonely? because people suck!! haha, i can't deny that, just as much as i can't deny that i need them at the same time. my ego might try to tell me that i don't, but it always comes back to the same feeling...loneliness. i want EVERYONE!! even the ones who are bad for me, because where are the good ones?? where the FUCK are the good ones?? i can't be the only miserable motherfucker in this town who knows what i know can i?? am i just attracting the wrong ones because of my true emotional core...of ego and selfishness. i TRY not to be so concerned with myself, but i'm only that way it seems because i've been hurt so much and myself is such a comfortable place to be, or is it? can i really be happy alone? if i don't consider the fact that i need people to even make a living, or what's more important, to feel love...then i guess it's possible. i need to buy christmas gifts for all my friends, i could just not walk out that door and say FUCK THEM!! but it doesn't feel right, being alone doesn't feel right, so i HAVE to give everyone a chance, but i NEED love, i NEED intimacy, i NEED sex!! i'm human god damn it! and i can't get those things from my friends like i can from a lover, i just can't deny it. things suck when i'm not closely involved with one person, i need SOMEBODY, ANYBODY!! and i guess because i feel that way, that's what i get...but what else am i to do?? i constantly dream of being intimate with one person, going out on dates, sharing laughter and joy, meeting the right person at the right time...i'm such a romantic!! but where do i meet the right person, and should i be searching at all? does it make it less likely that i will find her if i am constantly striving..and if i met her, would i get too picky to appreciate her? and the reasons i'm insecure about why that person might not like me may be for the same reasons that i might be too picky. ego! again!! and again and again and again and again!!! the only time things make sense is when i'm alone in a dark room meditating in silence or if i'm high as fuck masturbating to the computer and playing/singing/writing music? isn't there anyone i can share that with though? i guess i'm not happy alone.