depressed?
what is depression? is it your true self being depressed by thoughts of a false self? and if that true self exists then does it have anything to do with how you make your living, spend your time or decisions you make? because these are the only things that are depressing me. i want more free time, but it doesn't seem possible living two lifestyles. it seems i would either have to choose studio yogurt and keep my hobbies as past times or somehow quit my job and live on the street making money off of my hobbies. but things require money, time and effort. so sad. why can't i just sit still in that case? what would i like to do for money? nothing. nothing at all. money is a hassle and a necessary evil. i wish i didn't have to do anything for it, or be satisfied doing anything with it and use my free time to jerk off and smoke pot. having your own business is stressful, and difficult until you can support yourself off of it. it's hard work, more than i want to give to live that way.
i knew things would be hard work, but i never knew choosing to do them would be so hard. i like my leisure, i like to spend time with friends and girlfriends and party, a lot. i like it when nothing matters, i prefer it to everything mattering. i feel guilty, i feel responsible when things go wrong. i hate the grievences of a childhood lost. i hate getting older and feeling responsible. i hate having to sell myself and my love to feel good about myself. i hate working towards an end. i want to be there already! i am impatient. i want to be content, feel satisfied, about something, anything. i want to let go. i want release. i want comfortable sobriety. i want life. i want living. i want love. i don't care, i don't care. about anything. anymore. words are all i have left to express this..nothingness.
i knew things would be hard work, but i never knew choosing to do them would be so hard. i like my leisure, i like to spend time with friends and girlfriends and party, a lot. i like it when nothing matters, i prefer it to everything mattering. i feel guilty, i feel responsible when things go wrong. i hate the grievences of a childhood lost. i hate getting older and feeling responsible. i hate having to sell myself and my love to feel good about myself. i hate working towards an end. i want to be there already! i am impatient. i want to be content, feel satisfied, about something, anything. i want to let go. i want release. i want comfortable sobriety. i want life. i want living. i want love. i don't care, i don't care. about anything. anymore. words are all i have left to express this..nothingness.