conscious without thinking...
i'm finally learning why creating has become so stressful for me. everything i began to create has been contaminated by ego. even when i was younger, i would draw something, and have to show my mom, or sell drawings to the kids at my school, i needed praise for what i did. i'm not sure if that just gave me confidence or if it gave me ego. true confidence is only realizing your oneness with all that is, i'm only now reaching that point. i picked up a guitar and started singing songs because it made me more popular to do that..perhaps it's not my greatest outlet? or perhaps it could be, but it's too confused with the demands of this world and my ego that it has no space to be. i can't change what has happened and i know that everything that happened happened for a reason, and i know that when i was younger, i was too focused on my age and how old i was gonna be when i "made" it like billie joe. but if billie joe was authentic then his doing came from his being, we have two different life situations and two different ways to learn the same lesson,..why am i still holding onto that? why do i want to be engraved in his image, or any image? this universe is miraculous, but it's not the universe itself that makes it so miraculous, it's the consciousness behind it that created it in the first place. i don't blame us for getting so distracted by form, in a world that loves to create and to expand, in a world that gave us form and a mind to create the same primary thought that first became aware of it's being and thereby creating the universe, it's easy to identify with the body and it's doing as itself. how confusing it is to believe otherwise, but we learn from DEATH, from the dissentegration of form, how meaningless we really are. this seems to be our one and ONLY teacher and obvious evidence to our true nature, we MUST embrace it! i'm glad that i've already experienced it in hair loss...how perfect it was! and that it was my ONE thing i clinged to, that my mother was a hair stylist, and the whole nine! it's perfect! it's almost as if i set up the whole situation myself so that i could live an authentic life at the youngest age possible. i thought what i wanted was to be famous at the youngest age possible, but what good is that fame if it has no meaning? the truth is, i haven't had that meaning until i had that meaning, and that meaning is emerging as we speak. i have an inner purpose that i am totally becoming aware of now and it means so much more to me than my outer purpose that everyone seems to be so obsessed with. i was born into an american culture, raised by television and partial private school and partial federal schooling, by a mother that was both ego driven as well as spiritually driven. it gave me a wonderful contrast, and i can see the way an ego practices it's spirituality thru her, so i also know how NOT to practice even the greatest lessons i could learn as a human BEING! nothing i could say, nothing i could do, means more to me than realizing my true self. the universe was created just so it's forms could bring the consciousness of it's true self of nothingness back into this world, and the amazing news is it's doing it thru US! nature and animals are unconsciously aligned with universal intellegence, however, we have the ability to be CONSCIOUSLY aligned with universal intellegence, should we choose. human intellegence is regarded in western culture as the highest possible, but try to get a human to create a universe on it's own and it's extremely limited. how could one try to be greater than what it already is, the unlimited expansion of form and creation constantly evolving, except thru ego. deep down, we recognize that our pitiful IQ's account for nothing when it comes to the vast intellegence of god. sure as scientiests we try to play god ourselves, but there is nothing greater. you could come up with all the botoxes and the cures for baldness all you want and that's secretly the reason for science..to preserve the form for our egos! but the form does not NEED to be preserved! it's useless, in and of it's own, and without the threat of a dissolving form, there's no reason to be in it! this universe thru our human minds is not happy being attached with the powerless form! we cling to it only because we do not know any better, and do not live our lives consciously without incessent thinking. it's sad, but it's true, we can not find ourselves in the content of our minds...one question only leads to another, and no answer given by the mind could ever allow you the freedom to be yourself any better than this present moment. the reason we think to BEGIN with is because we are scared of the emptiness and the spaciousness of our true reality that we try to reject time and time again, when this nothingness is our very DESTINY when the universe will contract again into one and become nothing again. it is our freedom from our suffering human selves! if we suffer so much, why do we try to preserve this world and our forms so badly! even a VAMPIRE, eternal in youth, must realize his existence in form is pointless because to his essence, he is merely an empty shell of the primary thought of being, and realizing the beauty of his being because of the insignificance of dissolving forms was his LIBERATION! that is why one would have to be cannibalistic and constantly feeding off of others egos in order to survive in such a way! it's PAIN! stop worshiping your empty bodies! they can do NOTHING for you!!