Today, I slept.
Last night I went to bed around four, I think.
I woke up at ten.
And slept from noon to two.
And from five to eight.
I don't know why I've been so tired. Maybe my inner clock is confused by the way I stay up late so I'm not vulnerable in bed when E comes home drunk, like he's been doing every night now. I've been having more dreams too, though not today.
So lonely. I wish I was in California already.
E tried to claim my flat tire meant I shouldn't go to California. I hate E. I was thinking of writing him a final letter to leave as I go to inform him exactly why it went sour so that he could know better for next time. I tell myself it's to help him but maybe I'm really doing it to hurt him and that's not a good enough reason. But if I don't tell him then he'll keep doing the same things again and never be happy. Or so it seems.
E just came home, superearly from him. He had been at the bar, no surprise. Quote: "Chewbacca didn't wear glasses."
So lonely. I wish I was in California already.
I thought today what it would be like if I stayed. It repulsed me. I could not stand the thought of staying in this dead-end relationship. Sometimes I feel sad because I know the chances of someone else putting up with all my faults is virtually nil. I think E did that then I realize he didn't and that's why I was so unhappy. I couldn't be me, not really. He didn't want me the way I am either. I was too selfish in asking for anything from him. Love, sex, support. He had little to give. Everyone saw it but me, the way he always pursued his own pleasure and damn the rest. Damn me, damn his child, damn the man.
So lonely. I wish I was in California already.
I miss it before I've even been there.
I woke up at ten.
And slept from noon to two.
And from five to eight.
I don't know why I've been so tired. Maybe my inner clock is confused by the way I stay up late so I'm not vulnerable in bed when E comes home drunk, like he's been doing every night now. I've been having more dreams too, though not today.
So lonely. I wish I was in California already.
E tried to claim my flat tire meant I shouldn't go to California. I hate E. I was thinking of writing him a final letter to leave as I go to inform him exactly why it went sour so that he could know better for next time. I tell myself it's to help him but maybe I'm really doing it to hurt him and that's not a good enough reason. But if I don't tell him then he'll keep doing the same things again and never be happy. Or so it seems.
E just came home, superearly from him. He had been at the bar, no surprise. Quote: "Chewbacca didn't wear glasses."
So lonely. I wish I was in California already.
I thought today what it would be like if I stayed. It repulsed me. I could not stand the thought of staying in this dead-end relationship. Sometimes I feel sad because I know the chances of someone else putting up with all my faults is virtually nil. I think E did that then I realize he didn't and that's why I was so unhappy. I couldn't be me, not really. He didn't want me the way I am either. I was too selfish in asking for anything from him. Love, sex, support. He had little to give. Everyone saw it but me, the way he always pursued his own pleasure and damn the rest. Damn me, damn his child, damn the man.
So lonely. I wish I was in California already.
I miss it before I've even been there.