A Near-Life Experience
Wednesday night I go to bed feeling pretty decent, looking forward to only being two days worth of work left before the big three-day break and already drooling in anticipation of having the house for just me and Lady Jade for nearly a week (more on this at another time). I lay my head down upon the pillow, hoping my dream will be restful...
...when I snap to at about midnight. Oh, Christ. Not again. The HMS Bile Fairy has sailed from its dock once again, and is currently trying to dock in my mouth. I lay still, swallowing desperately, hoping that the inevitable will not come to be, and of course, I am more wrong than Max Kellerman's prediction of an Atlanta Falcons Super Bowl victory parade.
I won't disgust you with a blow-by-heave account of what happened next, but one fact needs to be pointed out. Although I am a veteran of late-night yark-fests (I went to jolly old Chico State, after all), this one was different because for the vast majority of the time it was happening--about twenty minutes in all--I couldn't breathe. That's right, my devoted peeps, America's Favorite Literary Bus Driver was gasping for air like a fish out of water. Frightening is a very mild way of putting things.
This of course scared the absolute flaming shit out of Lady Jade, who did what she could until I crawled back to bed, feeling as though Andre The Giant had just done the Bristol Stomp all over my diaphragm. An hour later, I swam back into consciousness again and the ghastly process was repeated.
Bruised throat and all I went to work in the morning, and Lady Jade was of course righteously pissed about this, but I got the rest of the afternoon off and went to go see my doctor. Not only is my doctor pretty and nice, by far her best trait is that she is amazingly competent and this time was no exception. I have Prilosec on steroids (twice the beef of what you get over the counter) and the commandment that I should do my damndest to avoid the following items:
Chocloate, alcohol, cigarettes, spicy foods, salty foods, garlic, onions, caffeine, coffee, carbinated beverages, peppermint, fatty foods, aspirin, antihistaimnes, acidic foods, vineagar and birth control pills. Yes, that's on the list; apparently you ladies have just as much trouble with acid reflux as I do, which means some of them might be trading stomach cramps for morning sickness. Not a good one in my opinion.
So now I'm on a diet. I haven't had a cigarette since 10:35 PM on Wednesday night. So far I feel pretty decent... but if I suddenly snap off and do a post that say
GODDAMN IT I HAT3 ALL J00 FUCK3RZ DI3 DI3 KILLAHILLABZNCH3S
then now you will know why. I am trying to become a better person and goddamn it, the path just ain't that easy.