With Ultimate Power Comes Ultimate Coolness
Back in the first grade, our teachers asked all of us what we wanted to be when we grew up. My good friend Shawn had one of the most interesting answers: he said he wanted to be a mercenary, because he really liked the idea of getting paid to shoot people. I guess he got his wish because now he's a captain in the Airborne Rangers. There's truly a place for everyone, I guess.
The teacher was probably more horrified by my answer. "A dictator," I said proudly. I was a precocious child and had been studying up on World War II; being a dictator sounded like a great job. After all, you got to tell everybody what to do, although I glossed over the part at the end where they either swallow poision or geting dragged through the streets by their heels due to the unhappy populaces they mismanaged into oblivion.
So if the universe turned on its axis and I was suddenly catapulted into the position of ultimate power, what would I do?
I would make it a law that NFL teams must play in outdoor stadiums with real grass on the field. Teams would be given two years to get their ducks in a row, or they would be out of the league. I wouldn't miss the Atlanta Falcons and New Orleans Saints anyway.
Kenneth Lay and the rest of his Enron fuck-chop jackass cronies would be publically flogged for our amusement, then be sent to Federal Pound You In The Ass And Wash Out Your Mouth With Sand Prison for the rest of their lives.
Florida would be sold to the Japanese.
Incoming college freshmen in long-distance relationships with the sweetie they left behind would be required to break up upon arriving at college. Period. If I had a dollar for every girl I'd wasted time on who after a couple weeks of having coffees would start waxing eloquent about The One Keeping The Home Fires Burning, I wouldn't need to work for the bus company.
We would do away with minimum wage and instead institute the idea of a living wage.
Marijuana would be made legal. Alcohol is worse for you anyway, and that's already legal. While I'm at it, I'll legalize the rest as well... but there's a catch. There is no heroin/crack rehab. If you do wither of those drugs, you are a fucking idiot. Period. You can't live in today's America without knowing what those two drugs will do to you and if you want to blunder down that road, be my guest. Don't expect me to help you out, though.
The Fox Channel would be appropriated by the powers of the state and used to broadcast the things I want to watch, namely things getting blown up, people engaging in ritous behavior, hockey brawls, teeth-rattling football hits and hideous bumps courtesy of pro wrestling. This would be VTV: The Violence Channel.
The Catholic Church would lose its tax-exempt status for hiding child molestors in different parishes.
Oh, and don't forget cushy jobs! What's the point of having ultimate power if you can't use it to give your friends a free ride on the gravy train? The following people would be immediately promoted:
marieb : Mistress of Public Services
samanthalake : Director of Fun
scarletdemon : Mistress of Manners
poetryslam : Director of Arts
lusciousdame : Mistress of Fashion
lesliemoniot : Grand Poobah of Environmental Matters
orcho5000 : Musical Director
And in closing, I leave you this quote from the Chimp In Chief, George W. Bush: "If this were a dictatorship, it would be a heck of a lot easier... just so long as I'm the dictator."
How true, Mister President. How very true.