Hmmmm....

[zombiegirl77]

 So, I very recently found out that my cousin is pregnant.  She is six months younger than me and we've kind of grown up together since we were kids and always been close.  I am, obviously, incredibly happy for her, especially since she has had a truly awful few years and I can't think of anyone who deserves something good to happen to them more than her.  I think the thing that most surprised me was the sudden and irrational stab of jealousy I felt.  This I would admit to no-one in my family, or most of my friends, mainly because it makes very little sense, but I am home alone, crying at some stupid movie on tv for no reason and felt the need to write it down.  Hello again mid life crisis, how I missed you in the past few months.  So, I am possibly the least maternal person in the world.  I tried to be sterilised at the age of 22 for fuck's sake.  So why am I now being completely irrational?  I suspect part of it is that I have, for the first time in my life,found someone who I love unconditionally, who I can ditch my usual ice queen persona with, actually give a shit about and could actually consider spending the rest of my life with, and who emphatically wants children, therefore forcing me to at least consider the possibility.  Although I have specified a strict caveat to my potential childbearing, being that I am allowed kittens, a ceasarian and a car in return.  Perhaps another reason for my sudden and confusing change of heart is that far too many of my family have died in the past three years, my grandfather especially leaving a huge hole in my life.  I guess it forces you to re-assess things.  I am also very worried about my mother, she is not very well at all.  She has burning pins and needles in her feet and hands constantly and it prevents her from sleeping.  They are getting worse and she looks so exhausted.  The syptoms and brain scan are positive for multiple sclerosis, but the lumbar puncture is negative, thus confusing the doctors and they don't appear to be able to do anything to help her.  She worries that the consultant thinks she is just being paranoid, as her elder sister had MS.  I don't know how I can help her.

Anyway, this turned into a bit of an emotional rant, but I guess that's what diaries are for right?  I've just spent today being very ill and this evening mainly crying for no reason, and I thought this might help.  I may go and watch the last episode of The Wire now and stop thinking about things.

Night  X