the bleeding heart wants blood to wash up the shame

[zombieboyband]

So a lot of my f-list (okay, most recently, just introductory) is posting really neat little lists about their WiPs and stuff, and it looks so nice and organized that it's tempting me into trying it, even though, uh. I am the least organized person ever

Comments

[zombieboyband]

lj just ate my comment to thhhiisss. ;_;

But, Shaw, RIGHT. Like, he's a cock. Sometimes Erik's work is all right, but he's in a hurry so he writes the wrong answer in the answer column, and the work is RIGHT THERE and most teachers will give half credit (or full!) for that kind of thing, but Shaw is like HAHA TSK TSK, ALL POINTS OFF. And Shaw doesn't really explain anything; you have to already KNOW the material. He makes Erik sit at the front of the room, right next to his desk, after cracking a joke about how that might improve his grades, because nothing else is. And Erik hates him with all the burning, burning hatred of an embarrassed high school boy.

Maaaybe Erik was in Europe for a while, so he was taught math a little different, so his work looks a little off, and Shaw is like LULZ NO, NOT ACCEPTABLE, ALL WRONG.

And OH MY GOD, SLEEPOVER SCENE, SLEEPOVER SCENE BY YOU IS KILLING ME. They make their own hot cocoa and whatever, like, they add oranges to it or something and then they play video games until their eyes bleed. Erik is reading comics sitting on the floor, but then Charles sprawls out on his stomach, kicking his legs up in the air, and Erik keeps on edging away but Charles flops ever closer. And GOD YES, Charles drops off the sleep on the bed (the bastard), but Erik hardly sleeps at all, he feels so wretched. He wants morning to come so he can run away and never come back, but when morning comes Charles yawns and they make breakfast and Erik is pleased/sick/please/sick all over again.

And Erik is uncomfortable with hanging at his apartment, but one day there's a storm after school or something so they chill out there, and they watch some movie on really low volume so as to not wake up Erik's dad, and Charles falls asleep on Erik's shoulder. Erik wants to die--what if his dad wakes up and sees and it's OBVIOUS; what if he gets a boner; oh wait, what if Charles wakes up and NOTICES his boner; why is life so hard; what if lightening strikes and kills him, would that be a mercy. But Charles looks really asleep, so. Erik doesn't actually move.

ERIK'S DAD, I HAVE FALLEN IN LOVE WITH YOUR VERSION ALREADY. Like, he loves his son like mad, right, but he's not a ~feelings~ guy and he misses his wife so, so much. And he's working really hard to make sure Erik has a good life, and it saddens him that Erik is clearly taking everything so hard, but he's not sure what to do and he wishes his son still had a mother, as much as he wishes that he still had a wife.

[mumblemutter]

*rolls around in thisssssss*

[zombieboyband]

COME ADD TO THIS; ENABLE US.

EVENTUALLY SOMEONE WILL EXPLODE WITH GLEE AND WRITE THIIISSS.

[mumblemutter]

Ugh, I have to run off to work, but oh I was just thinking of Charles's sister and how Erik would maybe bond with her, even though she's one of the popular kids and could easily sit with the cheerleaders during lunch break, but somehow she seems happier when she's hanging out with them? And then idk, there'd be another sleepover and Charles would be down in the kitchen and Raven would maybe put her head on Erik's shoulder and he would put his arm around her, a little awkwardly, and maybe she'd say something like, sometimes he forgets that it's not like this for everyone else, and Erik is pretty sure she isn't just talking about the apartment-sized bedroom, and he's kind of at a loss because what do you say to that, and then Charles comes bounding back into the room, all like, midnight snack! and his gaze falls to Erik's hand on Raven's shoulder and Erik wonders why he feels guilty all of a sudden, it's not like they were doing anything OR SOMETHING IDK IDK CARRY ON I'LL JUST BE OVER HERE. -A.

[pearl_o]

AHHHHHH RAVEN AHHHHHHHHHH

[zombieboyband]

AAAH YESSS I WAS WONDERING WHERE TO PUT RAVEN.

definitely super yes to that moment of understanding between her and Erik, but Erik doesn't quite get it, how does she know what it's like? She eats with the popular kids and she goes to parties and most of the time she's not at the house when Erik is because she's at some sleepover of her own, with the cheer squad. But she seems to get it anyway, and Erik watches her at lunch one day, how she smiles and nods absently to the things the kids around her say, and her laughter is a restrained and polite titter, not the big, sprawling laugh he's heard when she sees Charles do something ridiculous. And he tries to talk to her about it one day, and she's like, I have to do this, it's easier this way, don't you see?

And Erik's kind of like...no?

and Raven sighs at him.

But for all of her socially engineered freedom from torment and power by proxy, she kind of has this crush on this gigantic fucking nerd in her class, Hank McCoy, and she would give up a fair amount of social status if he would just fucking get with the program and ask her to a fucking dance, jesus.

I want her to flirt and pretend to be bad at science to get tutoring from Hank (because Erik is rocking this angle with Charles, obviously, and it gives her ~ideas~) but one day he overhears her talking to someone else/she slips up and explains something to someone else and she's perfectly brilliant because her and Charles were reading science-y books since they first learned how to read, and Hank is like, WHAT, and feels dumb and manipulated and confused, and Raven is like, GODDAMNIT, WHY ARE BOYS SO DUMB, IT WAS A PLOY TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU. but she probably doesn't say that, so: ANGST. for a while.

[pearl_o]

Yesss and Shaw being so awful is like one of the reasons why Erik can't say no to Charles's offers to help, right, because maybe normal he'd just be WHATEVER I DON'T NEED ANYTHING FROM ANYBODY but this is getting serious and he really can't fail (ugh, if he doesn't improve Shaw is going to call his dad in for a parent teacher conference and Erik can't even deal with the idea of letting his dad down and giving him ANOTHER thing to worry about when he already has so much on his mind)

OH GOD CHARLES ASLEEP ON HIS SHOULDER. His breath is all warm on Erik's neck and Erik can kind of smell the shampoo he uses, which is some kind of fruit and should seem really girly but it kind of works.

Erik is totally one of those teenage dudes who has weird hangups about jerking off, too, so he only does it in like the shower and tries not to think about anything or even enjoy it too much. Which of course means he has more wet dreams, whoops.

(Charles, on the other hand, jerks off ALL THE FUCKING TIME, and is perfectly comfortable with it, whatever, it's normal. And like he would make a joke or crack of some kind without even thinking about it and be really surprised when Erik is all uncomfortable.)

[zombieboyband]

Oh, god, Erik angsting over disappointing his DAAAD and Shaw totally knows it and smirks and calls him "son" and is mean in a thousand different ways about it. And Shaw's all, oh, sigh, Erik, my boy, I really am disappointed--I know you can do better. Now, when do you think your father is available? I know he works so hard.

and Erik is all clenched jaw and clenched fists because he knows, and he knows Shaw knows, that his dad will loose sleep or work or anything, because he takes Erik's schooling (his future!) seriously.

But YES, this is the PERFECT reason for Erik to actually accept Charles's help, and you could mirror the movie structure by opening with Shaw tension.

And Charles on Erik's shoulder, is that Raven's shampoo he smells, honestly, but Erik likes it better on Charles (his hair is shorter, so the fruitiness is not overpowering, but pleasant), which he feels weird about.

Erik is totally one of those teenage dudes who has weird hangups about jerking off

I EXPLODED IN A SHOWER OF OVARY SMITHEREENS. THIS IS MY HUGEST KINK (besides, like, knives). OMG.

And Charles is so okay with jerking off and joking about it! And he doesn't understand why Erik is weird about it, so he tries to TALK about it, damn him, which only makes Erik feel so much weirder.

Somehow Erik finds out that Charles has kissed a bunch of girls, like he doesn't have lots of sexual experience (or any, honestly), but he HAS kissed/made out with a bunch of girls, and Erik is like, JAW DROP, HOW CAN YOU EVEN, BUT YOU'RE A LOSER LIKE ME. and wildly, quietly jealous, he isn't even sure why.

And Charles just shrugs his shoulders and blinks his big blue eyes and says something like, "I think it's the sweater vests, don't you?" because he dresses weirdly/adorably sloppily adult, or like a little kid playing at dressing like an adult.

And Erik is like, no. It is not the sweater vests. Those are fucking ridiculous.

AND CUE ERIK WET DREAMS ABOUT CHARLES AND SWEATER VESTS AND TIES.

Erik obviously dresses in a fair amount of black, and he's not a goth kid, okay, but. He thinks black sweaters are kind of comfortable and cool.

[pearl_o]

And Erik is like, no. It is not the sweater vests. Those are fucking ridiculous.

I CANNOT EVEN DEAL WITH THIS, GODDAMN. Yesss, he would be so jealous and completely unable to deal with it.

I keep thinking there would be someday when Shaw is just so particularly cruel/cutting - and it would be in a way that wouldn't even sound that bad if you didn't know - but Charles can see the way Erik's face goes kind of pale and his expression just shuts down and when the bell rings and class is out Erik is off like a shot and Charles is like still half-struggling with his own bag, hurrying to follow him down the hall.

"Erik, wait--"

"Leave me alone, Charles."

But Charles doesn't, of course, he does that weird little half-run to catch up so he's walking with Erik instead of tagging along behind, although even then his legs are shorter so he has to walk faster to keep up.

And they end up on the borders of the school grounds and Erik is just like, Charles, go back to the class, you're gonna be late for third period, and Charles is like >:( No >:( I am staying with you and Erik is like you don't want to break your perfect attendance record, not with a bad influence like me, what will people think and Charles is like don't be an ass.

And Erik hadn't really thought through where to go when he cut school, because he can't go home because his dad is off work already, he'll be eating dinner and watching cartoons and getting ready for bed. And like there's the library where he hangs out sometimes, because it's quiet and he can hide and everybody leaves him alone, but there the librarians would be wondering why he's not in school. And everywhere else they'd expect him to spend money.

So they end up at Charles's house anyway. And Charles is still kind of fluttering around him with this nervous energy but Erik just doesn't want to talk and Charles always thinks that talking is the answer.

and then I think maybe they end up getting kind of drunk on liquor Charles steals from his mom's cabinet. And like, Erik had had beer before, when he was in Germany (I feel like maybe, what you said about him being in Europe for a while, maybe he went after his mom died and stayed with his grandparents/other relatives for a while), but he's never, like, drank, not to get drunk.

[pearl_o]

(Which, furthermore, is when they decided tipsy swimming in Charles's in-ground pool is a brilliant idea. Charles has extra swim trunks, but they don't fit, so Erik just has to wear his boxers instead.)

[mumblemutter]

(...oh, this will end well? Right? Right?)

[zombieboyband]

(first day of work in two weeks, yesterday, FFFFFUUU. apparently I can't keep up with my double internet life.)

but AUGH YES YES YES, I totes wanted there to be drinking at some point, RIGHT, because Charles is a lush when he grows up. Annnd cue drunk rambling conversations and Erik tells Charles stuff he'd never thought he'd say, about his mom, about Germany, about his dad, about how Shaw makes him feel, and it's not supposed to be like this, this isn't supposed to happen at all but certainly not when they are drunk and whatever.

But Charles has been circling him like a planet around the sun, following Erik's moods and the threads of his conversations, sad and angry but sometimes not, and been there and been there and been there. And Erik looks so beautiful to him, even when Erik is wretched, and Charles probably has stolen his mom's booze before, but not like this, and, just, fuck, Erik looks so alone and he doesn't need to be and how can he show him, how, Charles just wants him to know?

So he leans forward, a little sloppy, a little off balance, catches himself by grabbing uneven fistfuls of Erik's sulky black hoodie, right--

And Erik is like, the fuck, Xavier.

So then Charles is like, oh, HAHAH, right, hah, um, yes. And straightens up.

and then ---> DISTRACTION, ho! It's pool time!

and they are laughing and ridiculous and what is anything, honestly. So they are splashing at each other and trying to drag each other underwater and Erik doesn't even know how it happens--

But the kiss he unknowingly prevented earlier hasn't gone away; it's just reshaped itself, molded itself, been into something wild and beautiful that rushes him, through him, and they are wet and clinging to each other and his eyes sting with chlorine, or maybe he just squeezed them too tightly shut.

[pearl_o]

(I understand completely! Real life is often inconsiderate of the VERY IMPORTANT THINGS we have going on on the internet.

Also, oh god, my HEART. MY HEART.)

And it's like, Erik isn't even sure how long they're kissing, how much time goes by, and when he opens his eyes and he's crowded Charles against the edge of the pool, his hands holding on so tight on Charles's upper arms and his whole body boxing Charles in, and Charles's arms are around Erik's neck, and he's just smiling at him so purely.

And Charles goes, first thing, "Don't freak out."

And Erik is like "I'm not!" totally taken aback by it.

And Charles just says, "good."

And Erik feels kind of lightheaded and just warm, warm all over, and he doesn't know how much is the alcohol and how much is just Charles, and he's just. He doesn't really want to move.

At some point though there's sounds from within the house, and Charles whispers to him "Raven's home from school" and Erik just has to blink at him for a moment like he's speaking a foreign language.

[zombieboyband]

And it takes him forever to actually, like, make his arms work, and he only gets that Charles is trying to wriggle away because, well, Charles is wriggling away, but with the most apologetic look on his face.

They barely get to opposite ends of the pool in time before Raven finds them (she always knows when Charles is home) and she's just like, CHARLES, HOW COULD YOU, WE ARE SUPPOSED TO SKIP SCHOOL TOGETHER, DO YOU KNOW WHAT A BORING DAY I JUST SUFFERED THROUGH.

And Charles just shrugs sweetly and smiles and holds his hands up, and all Erik can think is, are they going to kiss again? Can they possibly? Do a pool and alcohol have to be involved each time? Because Erik doesn't really have either at his place, okay.

By the time they all get out of the pool and into dry clothes, Charles's family (or part of) is actually around for once, and it's weird, seeing Charles wilt a little, but then Erik isn't sure if the distance between them is because Charles is sad, or because Charles is regretful, or because Charles's stepdad is kind of a jerk, which he is. And Erik hates meeting people most of the time anyway, let alone stiff people who are the kind of rich people he hates a little, let alone people who might be making Charles sad.

And Erik has to go home alone that day because there is some Family Meeting Charles's mom calls, and Charles is too distracted and worried to be as shining, simply affectionate as he usually is, so Erik sulks home all :/ :/ :/ and WORRIES.

and worries all night.

and the next day.

[pearl_o]

The next day is totally Saturday, y/n? So he doesn't even see Charles at school or whatever so Erik has even more time to STEW IN HIS OWN WORRIES. And then it's Erik's dad's day off and their once-a-month going out to eat for dinner, which is a big deal, and Erik doesn't want to ruin it by being all distracted and freaking out, but. He keeps, like, fondling his phone in his hoodie pocket during the meal and wondering why Charles hasn't even tried to text him or anything.

But Erik's dad just sort of smiles at him fondly and is like, I remember what it's like being your age, and for a second Erik is really afraid he's going to say something about dating or girls or something and Erik is really going to have to die right there, but he doesn't push it, just changes the subject.

After dinner they go to the movies and Erik's dad makes Erik pick out which one they see, and he's pretty sure his dad doesn't really want to see ANY of them, but oh well, and they watch two hours of people hitting each other and loud explosions.

And then after the movie when he checks his phone again, there's a thing showing that Charles called and then didn't even leave a message or anything, which. Why would he do that? What the fuck.

So Erik doesn't call him back, just shuts himself up in his room and reads all night.