I'm on the A-Team, babydoll.
So I spent most of today in my normal absent minded scientist/genki girl cyclic thing, but part of the day in a funk while brooding over, like, internalized misogyny because, you know. Harley and IF YOU LOVE RAVEN SO MUCH WHERE IS THE FIC, and I never listen to my riot grrrl bands anymore and POC issues and privilege and I'm no longer vegan and I haven't written my dad back yet via e mail and AM I A BAD PERSON, basically.
Also, I'm quitting caffeine again. This probably has way more to do with the state of my emotions than anything because it's, like, one blended pulse of guiltdefensivebewildermentwhat.
Note that there have been times in my life where I have been a legitimately kind of bad person, a deliberate liar and cheater and heartbreaker, and it basically didn't bother me at all at the time, because I felt very justified in everything I did. This alignment shift thing? Becoming the good twin? It's a bitch.
So I was like, "I will cheer myself up by writing fic!" This did not work, because the emotional grade of my current project list is A FOR ALL ANGST ALL THE TIME.
1) "Oh, I'll know! What am I supposed to be doing for my epic AU collab thing?"
/check most recent desktop notes
"CHILDHOOD TORTURE UNDER SHAW: SCALE OF? BARCODE TATTOO IMPLIES INDUSTRIALIZATION OF PROCESS. CONVEYOR BELT APPROACH. EXPLAIN IN ARTICLE HEADLINE."
Conveyor belt of tortured children, guys. What. So, no. NEXT:
2) Inspired by the BBM comments in the AU meme thing, I made a note to myself the other day: "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN COLLEGE ROOMMATES AU JACK IS STILL IN A BAND ENNIS IS TRYING TO STUDY VERY HARD."
But, like, a paragraph in, it was about, like, how Ennis was beaten as a child by his douchebag brother.
NEXT.
3) "Oh I'll finally finish the XMFC shaving thing! Where am I in that?"
Notes for it are something like, "blah blah Erik is pissed, why is Charles being weird, MASSIVE UPSET when Charles shares his emotions."
the subtitle of that fic, in my head, by the way, is: WOULD YOU DATE A NAZI HUNTER?
I know this makes no sense yet. Sorry.
4) "I'll work on my other XMFC kinkmeme fill that I've neglected!"
GUYS, IT'S ABOUT ERIK HAVING PTSD AND BEING TRIGGERED AND HORRIBLE FLASHBACKS.
At this point, I was getting desperate, so
5) "I'LL GO WRITE SOME KANE AND LUCA. LUCA NEVER LETS ME DOWN. NEVER!"
Luca, you let me the fuck down.
Current Luca projects--
+All Possible Worlds: current scene is Luca and Kane talking about guns. And how [SPOILER SPOILER] COMMITTED SUICIDE VIA GUN, AND SO DID [SPOILER] AND SO LUCA IS ALL, "BRO, YOU ARE NOT LIVING ON YOUR OWN FOR A WHILE, BECAUSE: GODDAMN."
Goddamnit, Kane.
Fucking Luca.
+All Possible Worlds Flashback sequence: Luca in high school, beating the shit out of the pretty gay boy that kind of looks like him, more or less for being pretty and gay and interested in the wrong person at the wrong time.
(FLINCHING WINCING EVERYTHING. I feel so bad even mentioning this. But, like, he's 16 and violently freaked out by his sexuality and he's got a lot of shit going on and basically he hasn't become cool and chilled out yet. and he doesn't grow out of "MY FEELINGS ARE HURT? LET'S START A FIGHT!" until, like, age 21.)
(PLEASE STILL LOVE HIM. HE'S VERY LOVABLE. BY THE TIME HE'S IN THE MAIN STORYLINE YOU WOULD NEVER GUESS.)
SPOILERS:
+All Possible Worlds floating note: "EXPLAIN LUCA'S ORTHOREXIA OVER PANCAKES HE ISN'T EATING."
+Floating Kane pieces: descent into crazy. convinced he is being followed. creeping schizophrenia. basement apartment in shambles: describe hoarding.
+Hooker!Luca AU back story: how Luca gets kicked by his agency, develops a couple of drug addictions, and ends up on the street corner where he later comes across Kane.
+Hooker!Luca AU: sex scene with abusive boyfriend. [ex sex]
Boys. WHAT THE HELL.
Oh, there's also:
+Chicken Prince AU: transformation sequence, which would be a little traumatic, but not much. Except that I'm probably incapable of writing about farm animals without mentioning Peter Singer's Animal Liberation.
SO then I was like,
6) FUCK IT I'M GOING TO WRITE SOME BATMAN
but then I realized
it's Batman.
ALL ANGRY ANGST ALL THE TIME.
by the time I got to
7) "XMFC: Charles/Erik domestic cookery fail: Charles is high and also making pasta," which is actually a happy idea, I'd given up.
I think what I usually do at this point is write in
SINGLE DADS AU VERSE, where, uh, I guess that's sort of a misnomer because neither Kane nor Luca is a single dad anymore because they're together and they live in New York so probably eventually they get married or something. But they meet as single dads!
So instead I'm just dicking around on the internet and
WTF I JUST REALIZED I FORGOT TO MAKE MYSELF DINNER, WHAT, THAT DOES NOT HELP MY MOOD EVER.
Also, I'm quitting caffeine again. This probably has way more to do with the state of my emotions than anything because it's, like, one blended pulse of guiltdefensivebewildermentwhat.
Note that there have been times in my life where I have been a legitimately kind of bad person, a deliberate liar and cheater and heartbreaker, and it basically didn't bother me at all at the time, because I felt very justified in everything I did. This alignment shift thing? Becoming the good twin? It's a bitch.
So I was like, "I will cheer myself up by writing fic!" This did not work, because the emotional grade of my current project list is A FOR ALL ANGST ALL THE TIME.
1) "Oh, I'll know! What am I supposed to be doing for my epic AU collab thing?"
/check most recent desktop notes
"CHILDHOOD TORTURE UNDER SHAW: SCALE OF? BARCODE TATTOO IMPLIES INDUSTRIALIZATION OF PROCESS. CONVEYOR BELT APPROACH. EXPLAIN IN ARTICLE HEADLINE."
Conveyor belt of tortured children, guys. What. So, no. NEXT:
2) Inspired by the BBM comments in the AU meme thing, I made a note to myself the other day: "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN COLLEGE ROOMMATES AU JACK IS STILL IN A BAND ENNIS IS TRYING TO STUDY VERY HARD."
But, like, a paragraph in, it was about, like, how Ennis was beaten as a child by his douchebag brother.
NEXT.
3) "Oh I'll finally finish the XMFC shaving thing! Where am I in that?"
Notes for it are something like, "blah blah Erik is pissed, why is Charles being weird, MASSIVE UPSET when Charles shares his emotions."
the subtitle of that fic, in my head, by the way, is: WOULD YOU DATE A NAZI HUNTER?
I know this makes no sense yet. Sorry.
4) "I'll work on my other XMFC kinkmeme fill that I've neglected!"
GUYS, IT'S ABOUT ERIK HAVING PTSD AND BEING TRIGGERED AND HORRIBLE FLASHBACKS.
At this point, I was getting desperate, so
5) "I'LL GO WRITE SOME KANE AND LUCA. LUCA NEVER LETS ME DOWN. NEVER!"
Luca, you let me the fuck down.
Current Luca projects--
+All Possible Worlds: current scene is Luca and Kane talking about guns. And how [SPOILER SPOILER] COMMITTED SUICIDE VIA GUN, AND SO DID [SPOILER] AND SO LUCA IS ALL, "BRO, YOU ARE NOT LIVING ON YOUR OWN FOR A WHILE, BECAUSE: GODDAMN."
Goddamnit, Kane.
Fucking Luca.
+All Possible Worlds Flashback sequence: Luca in high school, beating the shit out of the pretty gay boy that kind of looks like him, more or less for being pretty and gay and interested in the wrong person at the wrong time.
(FLINCHING WINCING EVERYTHING. I feel so bad even mentioning this. But, like, he's 16 and violently freaked out by his sexuality and he's got a lot of shit going on and basically he hasn't become cool and chilled out yet. and he doesn't grow out of "MY FEELINGS ARE HURT? LET'S START A FIGHT!" until, like, age 21.)
(PLEASE STILL LOVE HIM. HE'S VERY LOVABLE. BY THE TIME HE'S IN THE MAIN STORYLINE YOU WOULD NEVER GUESS.)
SPOILERS:
+All Possible Worlds floating note: "EXPLAIN LUCA'S ORTHOREXIA OVER PANCAKES HE ISN'T EATING."
+Floating Kane pieces: descent into crazy. convinced he is being followed. creeping schizophrenia. basement apartment in shambles: describe hoarding.
+Hooker!Luca AU back story: how Luca gets kicked by his agency, develops a couple of drug addictions, and ends up on the street corner where he later comes across Kane.
+Hooker!Luca AU: sex scene with abusive boyfriend. [ex sex]
Boys. WHAT THE HELL.
Oh, there's also:
+Chicken Prince AU: transformation sequence, which would be a little traumatic, but not much. Except that I'm probably incapable of writing about farm animals without mentioning Peter Singer's Animal Liberation.
SO then I was like,
6) FUCK IT I'M GOING TO WRITE SOME BATMAN
but then I realized
it's Batman.
ALL ANGRY ANGST ALL THE TIME.
by the time I got to
7) "XMFC: Charles/Erik domestic cookery fail: Charles is high and also making pasta," which is actually a happy idea, I'd given up.
I think what I usually do at this point is write in
SINGLE DADS AU VERSE, where, uh, I guess that's sort of a misnomer because neither Kane nor Luca is a single dad anymore because they're together and they live in New York so probably eventually they get married or something. But they meet as single dads!
So instead I'm just dicking around on the internet and
WTF I JUST REALIZED I FORGOT TO MAKE MYSELF DINNER, WHAT, THAT DOES NOT HELP MY MOOD EVER.