23 - Take my heart, take my soul -- I don't need them anymore.

[zombie_pen]

[can be found on his bed, lying on his back & staring at the ceiling like it could solve all his problems. But of course, the ceiling simply stared back, occasionally illuminated by the crackling lightning dancing outside the apartment walls]

I'm such an idiot.

[pulls Mr. Peanuttles -- Rose's favorite teddy bear that she handed him before he left

Comments

[ad_perditionem]

Get up.

[zombie_pen]

[arches an eyebrow]

May I ask why?

[ad_perditionem]

You're wallowing, and it's starting to piss me off.

What happened to not turning into me? Going on drunken benders when you're upset doesn't make you an alcoholic, by the way. At least not yet.

[zombie_pen]

I'm fairly certain at this point, it's entitled.

Besides, it can't be helped that the only decent way to solve a problem around here is with a bottle of Jack, & talking to the ceiling.

[ad_perditionem]

You did it to yourself, so don't take your bad decisions out on your liver---or the rest of us.

[zombie_pen]

I didn't see myself crying out for help over here. I don't recall asking for people to come & save me from myself.

Besides, my liver is in far better shape than yours. It can afford to take a few more binges.

[ad_perditionem]

Oh, come the hell off it. Drinking like this is just a big fucking red flag. It runs in the family---unless your John Winchester wasn't an alcoholic? If not, you're lucky.

The difference between someone who wants help and someone who doesn't is the person who doesn't want help eventually stops mentioning it entirely. Don't turn to alcohol, man. You have people who care about you.

Besides, I won't get to enjoy making fun of your drunken karaoke-fu if you stop being a lightweight.

[zombie_pen]

Coming from you--

[sighs, throwing in the towel on his bitchy attitude]

Yeah, I get it. People care, & all that touchy-feely stuff. You think I like curling up with the bottle & sulking? I was practically raised by Dean -- to him, fixing a problem means boozing & beating the snot out of something. Since I already have a broken hand, I'm opting for the alcohol.

Fuck, man. I don't even know what to do anymore.

[ad_perditionem]

But you aren't Dean, and you're just sending out a big woe is me to the world. It's fixable, you know. If I were you, I'd apologize to Rose and see where that gets you. You screwed this up, and you owe her that.

Honestly, I don't even know how I feel about you right now.

[zombie_pen]

I already have apologized to her. It was the first thing I did when I found out she knew. I ran to her place, sat outside her bedroom door, & begged her to forgive me. Even after she let me in, I kept apologizing, & she said she needed time. Now all I've got is her favorite teddy bear, a drawer full of her clothes, a cabinet full of her tea, & nothing to do but wait & see if she'll forgive me -- which I know I don't deserve.

[sits up, looking at his twin]

At least you're not stammering & avoiding me like I have the plague like Dean is. I'll say it's an improvement.

But if I make you uncomfortable, don't feel obligated to stay. Not that I'm going to jump you or anything. All the urges to do anything to you have definitely flown out the window with no signs of ever coming back.

[ad_perditionem]

That's not what I meant. What happened between you and me was the city screwing with everything in us. We didn't have control over that.

What bothers me is what you did to that boy. I mean, seriously---what the fuck, Sam. I don't even want to think I'm capable of that.

[zombie_pen]

[flinches as if other!Sam had just lashed out physically at him, not just with his words]

You say that like I forced it on him, like I took advantage of his besotted state. Regardless of how we both grew up, Sam, I'll have you know that I'm not that kind of person.

We were together, one thing led to another. He asked, & I didn't deny him. Frankly, it was a welcome distraction from the hell the rest of this fucking week put me through.

[ad_perditionem]

How is it any different than taking advantage of him? That's exactly what you did. He was lovedrunk from what the city was forcing on us, and you let him throw himself at you, knowing that---and now you don't want to deal with the consequences.

I'm sorry, but that's bullshit. Fact of the matter is, you took advantage of a teenage boy. What you did was wrong. I don't blame Rose for breaking up with you.

And now you're wondering why Dean can't look you in the eye? I'd think it's obvious. If you'd been in a relationship with a man, that's one thing. What you did was leaps and bounds past that.

[zombie_pen]

[visibly bristles as other!Sam's rant continues on, sorrow & anger mixing on his face]

What was I supposed to do? Be completely heartless, like someone else I know?

Jesus, yeah, so I fucked up. I can't deny that I single-handedly ruined the best relationship I've ever known, & that it's my fault.

But what do you expect me to do now? Tell me to stop moping? I have every reason to. I took advantage of a teenage boy, for fuck's sakes.

Before you going pointing the finger of immorality though, take a good long look in the mirror. Last time I checked, what's dead should stay dead.

[ad_perditionem]

If you're implying that I'm heartless, you're barking up the wrong tree. Just because I have self-restraint doesn't mean that I'm heartless.

You're just being selfish. If you're hoping that I'm going to tell you that it'll all be okay, no, sorry, I'm not. That'd be a lie. You made this bed, and now you have to sleep in it. Suck it up and deal. You're an adult.

As for me, I know I'm being selfish with wanting Dean back, but at least I'm not dragging everyone within earshot into my pity party.

[zombie_pen]

Honestly, if you told me everything was okay, I would deck you.

[sighs deeply, tugging at the bandage around his broken hand]

You used to, with your boozing & moping. Kudos to you to moving on to puking your guts out.

[bitter tone]

I think I'll skip that stage, & just go straight to social recluse. Would hate to bring anymore of my problems down on the shoulders of others.