Moises.....? Jeffery......? Whispered Conversations... :'(
Interesting out of all the arguments we've had.....
this recent one has made me think....
:o
could it be that im a bad guy?
(i mean of course everyone has there time)
but telling him a bit more about my past and
how i meet The Jeffery guy...well he blew me away with
his way of thinking... XD
So i've never felt good enough for ANYONE!
(Common sense i'm like the most depressing creature to watch)
But through to conversations between me and Jeffery and the night's
on the phone with him were all cute, but the first time i stopped talking to him was because
i just couldn't deal with the idea of not having Jeffery forever the idea (at the time)
was that "One day he'll realize that we might never meet, and he'll stop talking to me"
So what do i do?
Write him this huge ass note explaining how we shouldn't try anymore....
-_-
And Jeffery took a fatal blow to the heart, because of my stupidity. /:
...
Like the idiot that i am ;; he gave me his number so we could talk about it
over the phone but.... i just couldn't all that day all i did was cry
And Call Monique to Cry.....
I felt so bad that i figured he didn't want to talk to me, even though he still made the attempt
being friends wouldn't satisfy my need for him and the attention i craved from only him.
So i deleted him of myspace (it feel's so wired writing that D; )
and just stopped talking to and about him from the friends that i had that point of time...
I Soon after had a Boyfriend by the name of Jorge, he was cute, short, dark complected, and quiet and feminine
We had a relationship that lasted a week, I wasn't ready for true commitment, nor was i really over Jeffery
He wasn't ready to full accept the idea that a relationship has faults on both sides and thought it was cute to talk to his ex's during the relationship
;;
We sugar-coated everything by saying "Distance"
When i knew past anything that Jeffery and me had Distance but it could have worked out fine....
-_____-
Jorge and me went out September 9 till the 14 (5 days.....pathetic)
Late November early December i grew a pair of balls, and added Jeffery again...
I figured he'd reject me.......
but the next day it said he accepted my friend request......
i wasn't happy, i felt glad...but scared and a bit disappointed that he didn't reject me
Why? you may be asking, well i was scared to admit that after all my stupidity i STILL had feelings for him!
At first we made "simple" Conversations about trivial things like
"How are you" "How have you been" "Well what are you doing?"
The simple things.....as you can see /:
Every message we wrote brought me slowly too a lower part of my heart
Could i help my next question.....no, i couldn't...
"So are you still single?"
he didn't write back to me until 20minutes later.....
it felt like hours, and i started crying to Monique because i felt that it was my fault
that he was in a emotional state of mind
he replied "Yup"
i remember that simple reply, my heart stopped, not because of joy
but because of pain....because of what i put him through..... yet again....
all the thought's brung back and all the emotions were tidal waves
crashing over powering me.....
"I'm sorry Jeffery, i'm really sorry" I wrote back to him /:
He asked for what and of course i wrote
"For what i put you through, im stupid, and im fucked up for doing that to you"
"Well can i ask why you deleted me?" He asked me instead of "Yes you are fucked up, so can you just stop talking to me?"
It confused me....ALOT!
So i told him my feelings how everything that day got to me, my friends feelings and i became negative because of what everyone told me..... how distance would fuck our happiness one way or another..... and it wasn't the distance, that all in it's self was a excuse for me to stop talking to Jeffery because i was scared to give him my heart whole...though so was he because of my lack of cooperation i didn't give him everything i gave him most of, and he gave me back the same and i became unfair and asked for more, and he accepted and gave a bit more ;; never all ;; but just about. as time passed from that point we began to talk more and he grew to like another guy named Taylor, which i quickly grew jealous of..... >/
and he fucked over Jeffery as well...... which made me flip my lid when Jeffery told me
Jeffery and I grew to a mutable friendship, but as the snow withered away and the sun came above to shine, just like the sun our feelings came back once more.....shiny with hope, though again i fell off the face of the earth after me and Jeffery became serious once more, AGAIN leaving him hurt....though from that point on......me and him talked off and on many occasions he made me a cute fan sign, tagged me in it and i never posted the one i made back in the day i wish i could find it :( i've made like 5 this past week because consistently i think about him
[I'll post one up soon [:)
But now that the general point is out, time to go back to the topic
Moises and me arrgued on the Phone about how i dont feel good enough for anyone
anyone including Jeffery and he snapped at me by saying
"Jeffery is the only one that has the right to even feel hurt, not you because you were the one that did that to him, so think Joshua what if he thinks in the back of his head "he keeps deleting me so maybe i'm not worth his time" and I died......ALOT on the inside because what if Jeffery has thought before and i never saw that? I normally think of the negative.....for myself... :( So Jeffery, tell mee, have you ever thought that, have you ever felt that before?
this recent one has made me think....
:o
could it be that im a bad guy?
(i mean of course everyone has there time)
but telling him a bit more about my past and
how i meet The Jeffery guy...well he blew me away with
his way of thinking... XD
So i've never felt good enough for ANYONE!
(Common sense i'm like the most depressing creature to watch)
But through to conversations between me and Jeffery and the night's
on the phone with him were all cute, but the first time i stopped talking to him was because
i just couldn't deal with the idea of not having Jeffery forever the idea (at the time)
was that "One day he'll realize that we might never meet, and he'll stop talking to me"
So what do i do?
Write him this huge ass note explaining how we shouldn't try anymore....
-_-
And Jeffery took a fatal blow to the heart, because of my stupidity. /:
...
Like the idiot that i am ;; he gave me his number so we could talk about it
over the phone but.... i just couldn't all that day all i did was cry
And Call Monique to Cry.....
I felt so bad that i figured he didn't want to talk to me, even though he still made the attempt
being friends wouldn't satisfy my need for him and the attention i craved from only him.
So i deleted him of myspace (it feel's so wired writing that D; )
and just stopped talking to and about him from the friends that i had that point of time...
I Soon after had a Boyfriend by the name of Jorge, he was cute, short, dark complected, and quiet and feminine
We had a relationship that lasted a week, I wasn't ready for true commitment, nor was i really over Jeffery
He wasn't ready to full accept the idea that a relationship has faults on both sides and thought it was cute to talk to his ex's during the relationship
;;
We sugar-coated everything by saying "Distance"
When i knew past anything that Jeffery and me had Distance but it could have worked out fine....
-_____-
Jorge and me went out September 9 till the 14 (5 days.....pathetic)
Late November early December i grew a pair of balls, and added Jeffery again...
I figured he'd reject me.......
but the next day it said he accepted my friend request......
i wasn't happy, i felt glad...but scared and a bit disappointed that he didn't reject me
Why? you may be asking, well i was scared to admit that after all my stupidity i STILL had feelings for him!
At first we made "simple" Conversations about trivial things like
"How are you" "How have you been" "Well what are you doing?"
The simple things.....as you can see /:
Every message we wrote brought me slowly too a lower part of my heart
Could i help my next question.....no, i couldn't...
"So are you still single?"
he didn't write back to me until 20minutes later.....
it felt like hours, and i started crying to Monique because i felt that it was my fault
that he was in a emotional state of mind
he replied "Yup"
i remember that simple reply, my heart stopped, not because of joy
but because of pain....because of what i put him through..... yet again....
all the thought's brung back and all the emotions were tidal waves
crashing over powering me.....
"I'm sorry Jeffery, i'm really sorry" I wrote back to him /:
He asked for what and of course i wrote
"For what i put you through, im stupid, and im fucked up for doing that to you"
"Well can i ask why you deleted me?" He asked me instead of "Yes you are fucked up, so can you just stop talking to me?"
It confused me....ALOT!
So i told him my feelings how everything that day got to me, my friends feelings and i became negative because of what everyone told me..... how distance would fuck our happiness one way or another..... and it wasn't the distance, that all in it's self was a excuse for me to stop talking to Jeffery because i was scared to give him my heart whole...though so was he because of my lack of cooperation i didn't give him everything i gave him most of, and he gave me back the same and i became unfair and asked for more, and he accepted and gave a bit more ;; never all ;; but just about. as time passed from that point we began to talk more and he grew to like another guy named Taylor, which i quickly grew jealous of..... >/
and he fucked over Jeffery as well...... which made me flip my lid when Jeffery told me
Jeffery and I grew to a mutable friendship, but as the snow withered away and the sun came above to shine, just like the sun our feelings came back once more.....shiny with hope, though again i fell off the face of the earth after me and Jeffery became serious once more, AGAIN leaving him hurt....though from that point on......me and him talked off and on many occasions he made me a cute fan sign, tagged me in it and i never posted the one i made back in the day i wish i could find it :( i've made like 5 this past week because consistently i think about him
[I'll post one up soon [:)
But now that the general point is out, time to go back to the topic
Moises and me arrgued on the Phone about how i dont feel good enough for anyone
anyone including Jeffery and he snapped at me by saying
"Jeffery is the only one that has the right to even feel hurt, not you because you were the one that did that to him, so think Joshua what if he thinks in the back of his head "he keeps deleting me so maybe i'm not worth his time" and I died......ALOT on the inside because what if Jeffery has thought before and i never saw that? I normally think of the negative.....for myself... :( So Jeffery, tell mee, have you ever thought that, have you ever felt that before?