been a while
hey all,
well its been nearly a month, but i have had majo computer problems. anywya i will try and remember to come on here fmore often now i have interent and all colours back!
well xmas is over , and all i can say to that is good ridence. i spent xmas in bangor, my choice, but it was better than going home!!!!
anyway i'll cut the rest so you can ignore the boring depressed thoughts.
i knew i wouldn't be able to get through xmas, and i didn't, ended up in casualty on the wednesday needing stiches...again. Daf wasn't happy! had a psych assesment as was honest and said how desprate i was feeling...wish i hadn't bothered, the psych was shit...i have just got to stop the flashbacks, and be happy...for fuk sake if it was that easy don't you think i would have done that by now????? oh and i have an adjustment disorder (i guess she means to being an adult, bt ilive alone, not lived at home for 5 and a half years, and quite happy to take responsibility...just my past drags me down ad so does my mood.) anyway its good enoug hto say she just let me go home.
whats going on with me and Daf i have no idea. i slept with him on the saturday after we broke up, but nothings really happened since then i've seen him a couple of times but thats it. i have no idea. the bad thing is i slept with martin over xmas holidays, as he came to mine drunk, although he did fall asleep in the middle. i feel so so guilty for this, and i don't een know if i am with Daf or not! hes on holiday this week anyway so not around.
anyway i am hardly seeing anyone, in the last week i have seen Judith, Lauraine, Sarah (Who i go out with on a tuesday) and my parents (oh what fun). and i don't think i am going to see anyone till next week. i am dreading the weekend!!!!
parents arrived tuesday, and some how i fooled them into lending me money (i told them i decreased my overdraft limit too 500, urn not true) cause even though my money went in on tuesday i couldn't get any out as was 50 quid over my limit (with 240 going in and only 90 quid goigng out in standing orders!) i HATE money!
my mood? well i am stll continually thinking of self destructive things case its all i deserve. i realy want to be able to cut, but J would go mad, she went kinda mad at the fact i'd done it twice since xmas. want something to stop my mind for a while. anything to stop my mind for a while! keep thinking of od'ing, but got nothing.
seeing my psych on tuesday...that'll be fun, cause sleep is crap i feel fucking shit and self destructive, and hes going to say there is nothing he can do, as hes already told me that they are at the end of the road in terms of meds , thoug only tried a few antid's (seroxat, prozac, eefexor nd reboxatine). wonder if he'll take me off loarazapam?
wish it would all stop. i on't deserve to be here, i should be treated like a lame animal.
sorry
well its been nearly a month, but i have had majo computer problems. anywya i will try and remember to come on here fmore often now i have interent and all colours back!
well xmas is over , and all i can say to that is good ridence. i spent xmas in bangor, my choice, but it was better than going home!!!!
anyway i'll cut the rest so you can ignore the boring depressed thoughts.
i knew i wouldn't be able to get through xmas, and i didn't, ended up in casualty on the wednesday needing stiches...again. Daf wasn't happy! had a psych assesment as was honest and said how desprate i was feeling...wish i hadn't bothered, the psych was shit...i have just got to stop the flashbacks, and be happy...for fuk sake if it was that easy don't you think i would have done that by now????? oh and i have an adjustment disorder (i guess she means to being an adult, bt ilive alone, not lived at home for 5 and a half years, and quite happy to take responsibility...just my past drags me down ad so does my mood.) anyway its good enoug hto say she just let me go home.
whats going on with me and Daf i have no idea. i slept with him on the saturday after we broke up, but nothings really happened since then i've seen him a couple of times but thats it. i have no idea. the bad thing is i slept with martin over xmas holidays, as he came to mine drunk, although he did fall asleep in the middle. i feel so so guilty for this, and i don't een know if i am with Daf or not! hes on holiday this week anyway so not around.
anyway i am hardly seeing anyone, in the last week i have seen Judith, Lauraine, Sarah (Who i go out with on a tuesday) and my parents (oh what fun). and i don't think i am going to see anyone till next week. i am dreading the weekend!!!!
parents arrived tuesday, and some how i fooled them into lending me money (i told them i decreased my overdraft limit too 500, urn not true) cause even though my money went in on tuesday i couldn't get any out as was 50 quid over my limit (with 240 going in and only 90 quid goigng out in standing orders!) i HATE money!
my mood? well i am stll continually thinking of self destructive things case its all i deserve. i realy want to be able to cut, but J would go mad, she went kinda mad at the fact i'd done it twice since xmas. want something to stop my mind for a while. anything to stop my mind for a while! keep thinking of od'ing, but got nothing.
seeing my psych on tuesday...that'll be fun, cause sleep is crap i feel fucking shit and self destructive, and hes going to say there is nothing he can do, as hes already told me that they are at the end of the road in terms of meds , thoug only tried a few antid's (seroxat, prozac, eefexor nd reboxatine). wonder if he'll take me off loarazapam?
wish it would all stop. i on't deserve to be here, i should be treated like a lame animal.
sorry