whoa.... im trippin...
This is soooo random to write about.. random for someone to read and random for me to even be thinking about lately.. but, in all honesty, I have been and I don't know why because I seriously thought I had dealt with all this back in december when we were still hanging out and I just knew that there was NOTHING left between us... So, I moved on with Kate.... And even after Kate.. I still wasn't feeling things of the past......
Lately, since I've gotten sober.. Its been nearly 2 months with 1 fuck up.. But, still.. I've been sober and actually working through shit.. Which really has been the biggest difference.. I have a sponsor who has me write shit out and talk shit out and work through it while coming out the other side with a new perspective... And last week I remembered a time months ago when Angie was constantly telling me, "If you just get sober, I will move back in with you" And my response was always, " No, I dont think I have a drinking problem.. Im not going to change me for you, accept me as I am" And I was sooo fucken stubborn about it. ... In truth, I believed what I said.. And I believed that if things were going to work out, then she needed to just accept me.... And now looking at that, I see how selfish that was of me and I clearly see exactly why she not only wouldn't accept that, but in sooo many ways she couldn't.. Not for her, me, or our relationship...
Sometimes I think... if only??? If only I had just gotten sober, told Rain and Neisha to get the fuck out of my house.... Would Angie and I worked out??? I read old lj post.. both mine and hers.. How we both said how much we loved eachother, how we both said we would never love anyone else like we loved eachother... And I think.. Is that true?? And if I had just gotten sober, would it have worked??? But, I know.... I know there were soo many more problems then just my drinking.. That was just an obvious problem.. That was one that we could both easily put the blame of our failed relationship on....... Once upon a time, I did get sober... for 7 months... And we still had HUGE problems.....If we had both been honest with ourselves... we would see that the relationship was contaminated with jealousy, insecurities, fears, lies, emotional unfaithfulness, deciet, lack of responsibility, control... ad infinitum..
Things really did just have to play out to get me where I am today... to get her to where she is at.. I was talking with Shayla while I playfully acted bitter toward Angie now being in love.. But then I said, "Im only kidding, in reality, I am happy for Angie"... Sometimes I get hurt and insecure.. As if this new girl she is with is like a million times better than I ever was.. And it pains me to think that Angie could love this new girl more than she ever loved me.. It hurts to think that Angie would see this new girl as being better than me.... And I know thats just me in my selfishness... No matter what, individually Angie deserves to love and be loved... even if the person isnt me.. And I deserve love even if the person isn't Angie... When I see it in that light, I can easily accept the present moment without hurt and pain.. Sometimes though, its just not that easy.
Lately, since I've gotten sober.. Its been nearly 2 months with 1 fuck up.. But, still.. I've been sober and actually working through shit.. Which really has been the biggest difference.. I have a sponsor who has me write shit out and talk shit out and work through it while coming out the other side with a new perspective... And last week I remembered a time months ago when Angie was constantly telling me, "If you just get sober, I will move back in with you" And my response was always, " No, I dont think I have a drinking problem.. Im not going to change me for you, accept me as I am" And I was sooo fucken stubborn about it. ... In truth, I believed what I said.. And I believed that if things were going to work out, then she needed to just accept me.... And now looking at that, I see how selfish that was of me and I clearly see exactly why she not only wouldn't accept that, but in sooo many ways she couldn't.. Not for her, me, or our relationship...
Sometimes I think... if only??? If only I had just gotten sober, told Rain and Neisha to get the fuck out of my house.... Would Angie and I worked out??? I read old lj post.. both mine and hers.. How we both said how much we loved eachother, how we both said we would never love anyone else like we loved eachother... And I think.. Is that true?? And if I had just gotten sober, would it have worked??? But, I know.... I know there were soo many more problems then just my drinking.. That was just an obvious problem.. That was one that we could both easily put the blame of our failed relationship on....... Once upon a time, I did get sober... for 7 months... And we still had HUGE problems.....If we had both been honest with ourselves... we would see that the relationship was contaminated with jealousy, insecurities, fears, lies, emotional unfaithfulness, deciet, lack of responsibility, control... ad infinitum..
Things really did just have to play out to get me where I am today... to get her to where she is at.. I was talking with Shayla while I playfully acted bitter toward Angie now being in love.. But then I said, "Im only kidding, in reality, I am happy for Angie"... Sometimes I get hurt and insecure.. As if this new girl she is with is like a million times better than I ever was.. And it pains me to think that Angie could love this new girl more than she ever loved me.. It hurts to think that Angie would see this new girl as being better than me.... And I know thats just me in my selfishness... No matter what, individually Angie deserves to love and be loved... even if the person isnt me.. And I deserve love even if the person isn't Angie... When I see it in that light, I can easily accept the present moment without hurt and pain.. Sometimes though, its just not that easy.