(no subject)
Last night I read something that someone had wrote about me back in august.. I remember reading it back in August and being soo incredibly angry.. I had soo much fucken rage toward this person for stating the TRUTH about my behavior.. I was completely incapable of seeing my fault cause all I could be was angry that they would say it about me....
Last night I somehow unintentionally came across it again and immediatly broke down crying..... For the first time, the reality of it hit me like a ton of bricks.. I clearly saw my part... How fucked up and hurtful I had been.. I went to bed crying like a baby, and that pattern of behavior surfaced in my mind; how I had been that hurtful not only toward this person, but in the same exact way, to soooo many people that I have truly cared about.. I saw the insanity of my fucked up mind and I just kept praying.. "God, whatever it takes.. PLEASE dont allow me to ever hurt anyone like that again" I kept praying that prayer until I drifted off to sleep....
Some very cool spiritual experiences happened this morning and as I met up with my brotha J-rod the experiences continued through out the day. I felt as if the universe was comforting me and saying, " These liabilities in your character will be used as assets.." I had great emotional relief... First in the coming to terms with how truly fucked up I really have been and KNOWING that I never again want to be that way... Then came the hope that I dont ever have to be that way again.... And I listened to my friend Jarod speak of his own insanity and how he has overcome it... Its a trip..... And I know one day my experience strength and hope will offer someone else hope in their situation.... It was kinda a beautiful day
Last night I somehow unintentionally came across it again and immediatly broke down crying..... For the first time, the reality of it hit me like a ton of bricks.. I clearly saw my part... How fucked up and hurtful I had been.. I went to bed crying like a baby, and that pattern of behavior surfaced in my mind; how I had been that hurtful not only toward this person, but in the same exact way, to soooo many people that I have truly cared about.. I saw the insanity of my fucked up mind and I just kept praying.. "God, whatever it takes.. PLEASE dont allow me to ever hurt anyone like that again" I kept praying that prayer until I drifted off to sleep....
Some very cool spiritual experiences happened this morning and as I met up with my brotha J-rod the experiences continued through out the day. I felt as if the universe was comforting me and saying, " These liabilities in your character will be used as assets.." I had great emotional relief... First in the coming to terms with how truly fucked up I really have been and KNOWING that I never again want to be that way... Then came the hope that I dont ever have to be that way again.... And I listened to my friend Jarod speak of his own insanity and how he has overcome it... Its a trip..... And I know one day my experience strength and hope will offer someone else hope in their situation.... It was kinda a beautiful day