(no subject)
I'm trying.
She arrived; her hair glued back and shone off the candle like a new car on a sunny day. The snow flakes that sat like flakes of dandruff on her sleeve. I took her hand and pushed her lips into mine. They suffocated mine and as the feeling drained from my lips I dug my hands into my pocket. She took a step back.
“Um why did you call me here?” she asked, “Why are the lights off?”
“I don’t know,” I feel myself answer, “It’s nicer with no light.”
“You billed the light bill right?” she asked examining the light switch.
“Don’t worry!” I light pull her hand away from the switch.
“Ok,” she said her gazed back at me, “how have you been?”
“Um,” I rubbed my hands together, “I’ve been. Thinking you know.”
“Oh well that’s good.” she looked down at her shoes and mine and mentioned, “you’re shoes are untied.”
I glance down, “Don’t worry I know.”
“then why haven’t you tied them?”
“Because if I do then I won’t tip over.”
She took off her navy jacket and laid it perfectly on the chair making sure each back leg had a chance to touch its warmth.
“You must be freezing,” she stated, “Is your heat on?”
I closed my eyes, “No. Isn’t it beautiful? Can’t you just feel the cold air pressing on your bones seemingly stale but still knowing it’s moving ever so slowly?”
“What are talking about?” she asked bewildered
.
I opened my eyes, “Oh nothing or maybe something. Or maybe it just feels like something. I don’t know, but I feel like I do.”
“See that’s why you need the heat on,” She place her hand on my forehead, “now you’re falling ill.”
“I know. Isn’t it great?” I sniffed, “Because now I have to get better.”
“I think you need to lie down,” she grabbed my arm and pulled me towards the bedroom.
I smiled, “Do you really think so? Because I think I should run outside in my underwear and roll in the snow, use my hands as a shovel to bury myself two feet in it.”
“What good would that do?” She shook her head and took off her shoes.
I lied in the bed and stared at the white of the ceiling.
“You didn’t answer me!” She persisted, “What good would that do?”
“Well I would have a purpose, a sort of goal. I would have to get better, and my sole purpose would be to cough, sneeze, and shiver until the virus dripped bit by bit from my nose and mouth.”
“That’s ridiculous!” she shouted.
“Why?” I stood up, “Haven’t you ever wanted to have a purpose: to suffer to achieve a meaningful goal!”
“You don’t need to catch pneumonia to do that!” she said sharply.
She took a deep breath and tried to calm herself.
“You eat. You eat to prevent starvation. There’s your meaning and there’s your point” she tried.
“Fair I eat to avoid starvation, but I can not avoid hungry. Yesterday I eat bread and butter. I eat even as my stomach turned and my throat gagged but I was still hungry. I forced myself chocking and vomiting until I tired myself out.”
“I don’t understand,” she shrugged defeated.
“I achieve nothing. See if I got I sick then I could lie in my bed fighting, coughing, shivering, and seeing my goal if being better off in the distance and it’s beautiful. Until I get there and it’s nothing and it makes me want to tear off my skin to watch it conveniently replenish so mechanically. I am cycle; my body is a cycle; a cycle which only seem to only end through death. But then my bones would just fertilize the grass we walk and the flowers would use my dust to sprout flowers as if I never existed. But I’m okay with that. I just want a meaningfully cycle which is an oxymoron. I don’t know I just can’t stand going in circles.”
She put her arms around me and kissed my cheek, “Have you gone to church lately? Discussed you’re feeling with father Paul?”
“Why” I lighting pushed her away, “So he could recite one of those oh so famous biblical verses, and tell me how he’s wasted his life threatening people like me to stay on this earth with concepts like hell. Here we are burning, thirsty, hungry. Waiting with some hope that the other realm will be a just the slightest bit better. He’s just as bad as those television shows, and magazines, and quote books that try to keep you alive with themes of ‘keep dreaming’ and ‘keep searching’. But I have dreamed and I have searched. And what did I find? Nothing. Now I lay in a desolate valley with men counting the seconds until their bones succumb to time. And why do we lay there? Because if we took matter into our own hands, then we’d be destined to the same fate of Sisyphus. But I’d give to switch with him. I’d give anything to push a rock to the top of a incline and feel for one second as it stands still that I accomplished something.”
“But if you stay, imagine what it’ll be like with Jesus in heaven.”
“Yet another cycle. Even if it it endless bliss, it is a cycle.”
“Atleast everyone will be there.” she tried.
“I doubt it. I mean how could we all be in the same heaven. I doubt everyone would like the same channel on the television? And what would we do for fun? Play ‘everyone wins’ poker?” I laughed.
“Don’t patronize me” she stood up.
“I’m sorry” I stared at my shoes.
I stood up and went towards the kitchen pulling out the scotch from the refrigerator. I poured myself a glass and another with two cubes in it.
“You want two cubes in yours” I shouted
“Yeah” she stretched.
I handed her a glass. As she was about to drink I stopped her.
“We have to toast!” I said
“To what?” she said
“To heaven!” I stated
She narrowed her eyes at me and laid her glass on my drawer. I gulped mine and rubbed her back.
“Give me time.” I whispered, “I’ll get over this.”
She nodded superficially and twiddled her cross between her fingers. I put my arms around and she limply laid on the bed.