My heart could take a chance, but my two feet can't find a way...
You'd think that I could muster up a little soft shoe gentle sway.
But I don't feel like dancin'!
No sir, no dancin' today!
Except there was dancing today. About thirty minutes of it, headphones on and connected to my computer because it's after-hours in the dorm and I can't play music loudly. So the dancing was constricted to about a 2' by 2' space near my desk, but it was dancing.
That's significant, really.
I spent most of Christmas break depressed, and I've been missing Eric terribly now that the one year mark is coming up. Priest-back-home (Padre) cheered me up a bit by surprising me with a Christmas present of awesome imported coffee. Since I have to wake up before the sun to get to calculus class, it's really come in handy.
Anyway, Christmas break. Volunteered to help set up for the church party, which meant washing 200 plates, knives, forks, wine glasses, water glasses, etc. The payoff was getting to putter around with Padre all day, and yes, it's worth it.
Church party was good, but it was the New Years party (which was really just the Catholics again at a different place) that I have a few memories from. I almost backed out of going because I'm not big on parties, but I made myself, and I'm glad. Like I said, I had been missing Eric and everything, but I thought it would be good to get out. The band there played older rock stuff, which was awesome. I decided to dance then, not in response to the people prodding me to do so, but because I remembered that Eric would. Eric wouldn't care what anyone thought of him. He'd sing along terribly and dance all over the place. So, with that in mind, I danced. It was horrible dancing, but I did. Twice. I hope I made him smile. I'd forgotten how much I liked to dance.
Then came back to college. I actually did get into organic lab after all! Unfortunately, it's a Saturday lab. Lame. So I have school everyday except Sunday. What am I doing, working a job? At least it means Iverson will probably let me work for him next fall.
So, I'm taking organic chemistry II, calculus II (thank god for having a math-major friend to help so I don't have to spend hours and hours on my own figuring crap out that I would've been able to in five minutes if I truly cared), organic chemistry lab, and a computer programming class. I was taking Italian instead of the latter, but... the professor had one of the most abrasive personalities I've ever encountered. Since 50% of my grade would be from oral responses to class stuff/exams given by him...er, no.
First week of college was okay. Then I came home last weekend since Saturday lab doesn't start until this week, and I had a three-day weekend. Wound up getting even more down. I blame myself for a lot of things leading up to Eric's suicide, you see. I think if I had actually acted like a friend to him instead of fretting over school, he'd still be here. Anyway, I tried to break out of that by calling Sunday evening to set up lunch with Padre on Monday, but the bugger had ran off to another city. At least the phone call had a few lols, but I've really wanted to break out of this depression. I know it's normal, and it'll probably get worse at March 6th gets closer, but I don't want to be down day after day.
So today I was just skimming through songs on the intertubes and came across "Take Your Mama Out" by Scissor Sisters. I balked because I hadn't seen the song in ages, and it triggered a small ton of memories. Eric had loved that song, and danced to it in his driveway, or in the passenger seat of the car, neglecting to give me directions while I was driving. Or he'd just randomly burst out and sing bits of it purposely off-key while we were walking around stores. With these happy memories in my head, "I Don't Feel Like Dancin'" by the same group came on. I don't recall him ever mentioning this song, but I know if he heard it he'd love it.
Somehow this song cheered me up. I remembered that the parts of him that stayed with me while he was alive are still with me even in his death, and even more have joined in since then. So, knowing what he would do and what I wanted to do...I found myself dancing around my computer screen. In that half hour, not only did I feel more alive than I have in a good while, but he was alive again too. I knew somewhere, wherever he was, he was grinning at me and probably dancing along with whoever was around.
I've learned a lot in the past year. People are the most important thing to me now, especially my three closest friends. I consider Padre one of them, and I often find myself worrying that something will happen to him. I mean, he is getting older and he lives alone. Stuff happens. Rather than worry, though, I just try and spend as much time as I can with him. I drew him a picture for Christmas, and I think it sort of made him realize that yes, I do consider him a friend, not just the priest-dude, so we grew closer over the holidays. My other two dearest friends, you know who you are. You don't live in Texas, so it's hard for me to visit really, but I'd do everything in my power for either of you if you needed it.
That's how I deal with all of this. By being a better person. A more loving person. By making sure you guys won't ever feel so low that you'll want to end your life. That goes for anyone that's reading this as well. I love you too.
I get through each day by laughing and not caring what other people think. There's not enough time in this world to care about everyone else's opinion. Eric never told me this; he showed it to me. I wouldn't be the person I am today without him. And every time I live up to that ideal, not only am I bringing out the best in myself. I'm showing off the best of him. He's alive again.
And together, we're dancing.
But I don't feel like dancin'!
No sir, no dancin' today!
Except there was dancing today. About thirty minutes of it, headphones on and connected to my computer because it's after-hours in the dorm and I can't play music loudly. So the dancing was constricted to about a 2' by 2' space near my desk, but it was dancing.
That's significant, really.
I spent most of Christmas break depressed, and I've been missing Eric terribly now that the one year mark is coming up. Priest-back-home (Padre) cheered me up a bit by surprising me with a Christmas present of awesome imported coffee. Since I have to wake up before the sun to get to calculus class, it's really come in handy.
Anyway, Christmas break. Volunteered to help set up for the church party, which meant washing 200 plates, knives, forks, wine glasses, water glasses, etc. The payoff was getting to putter around with Padre all day, and yes, it's worth it.
Church party was good, but it was the New Years party (which was really just the Catholics again at a different place) that I have a few memories from. I almost backed out of going because I'm not big on parties, but I made myself, and I'm glad. Like I said, I had been missing Eric and everything, but I thought it would be good to get out. The band there played older rock stuff, which was awesome. I decided to dance then, not in response to the people prodding me to do so, but because I remembered that Eric would. Eric wouldn't care what anyone thought of him. He'd sing along terribly and dance all over the place. So, with that in mind, I danced. It was horrible dancing, but I did. Twice. I hope I made him smile. I'd forgotten how much I liked to dance.
Then came back to college. I actually did get into organic lab after all! Unfortunately, it's a Saturday lab. Lame. So I have school everyday except Sunday. What am I doing, working a job? At least it means Iverson will probably let me work for him next fall.
So, I'm taking organic chemistry II, calculus II (thank god for having a math-major friend to help so I don't have to spend hours and hours on my own figuring crap out that I would've been able to in five minutes if I truly cared), organic chemistry lab, and a computer programming class. I was taking Italian instead of the latter, but... the professor had one of the most abrasive personalities I've ever encountered. Since 50% of my grade would be from oral responses to class stuff/exams given by him...er, no.
First week of college was okay. Then I came home last weekend since Saturday lab doesn't start until this week, and I had a three-day weekend. Wound up getting even more down. I blame myself for a lot of things leading up to Eric's suicide, you see. I think if I had actually acted like a friend to him instead of fretting over school, he'd still be here. Anyway, I tried to break out of that by calling Sunday evening to set up lunch with Padre on Monday, but the bugger had ran off to another city. At least the phone call had a few lols, but I've really wanted to break out of this depression. I know it's normal, and it'll probably get worse at March 6th gets closer, but I don't want to be down day after day.
So today I was just skimming through songs on the intertubes and came across "Take Your Mama Out" by Scissor Sisters. I balked because I hadn't seen the song in ages, and it triggered a small ton of memories. Eric had loved that song, and danced to it in his driveway, or in the passenger seat of the car, neglecting to give me directions while I was driving. Or he'd just randomly burst out and sing bits of it purposely off-key while we were walking around stores. With these happy memories in my head, "I Don't Feel Like Dancin'" by the same group came on. I don't recall him ever mentioning this song, but I know if he heard it he'd love it.
Somehow this song cheered me up. I remembered that the parts of him that stayed with me while he was alive are still with me even in his death, and even more have joined in since then. So, knowing what he would do and what I wanted to do...I found myself dancing around my computer screen. In that half hour, not only did I feel more alive than I have in a good while, but he was alive again too. I knew somewhere, wherever he was, he was grinning at me and probably dancing along with whoever was around.
I've learned a lot in the past year. People are the most important thing to me now, especially my three closest friends. I consider Padre one of them, and I often find myself worrying that something will happen to him. I mean, he is getting older and he lives alone. Stuff happens. Rather than worry, though, I just try and spend as much time as I can with him. I drew him a picture for Christmas, and I think it sort of made him realize that yes, I do consider him a friend, not just the priest-dude, so we grew closer over the holidays. My other two dearest friends, you know who you are. You don't live in Texas, so it's hard for me to visit really, but I'd do everything in my power for either of you if you needed it.
That's how I deal with all of this. By being a better person. A more loving person. By making sure you guys won't ever feel so low that you'll want to end your life. That goes for anyone that's reading this as well. I love you too.
I get through each day by laughing and not caring what other people think. There's not enough time in this world to care about everyone else's opinion. Eric never told me this; he showed it to me. I wouldn't be the person I am today without him. And every time I live up to that ideal, not only am I bringing out the best in myself. I'm showing off the best of him. He's alive again.
And together, we're dancing.