About the 17-year-old...
I need to vent today, and maybe even get some advice. And although there is no way to catch you up on what has transpired in however many years, I'm reminded that this is a pretty safe place for this.
Said 17-year-old is not biologically or legally our child, but she lives with us part-time, and goes to the high school in our part of town (not the one in her mother's part). M and I are both "guardians for school purposes" for her, although her mother is involved in that somewhat as well. But I am the primary designated "school mommy," and have been for at least five years. Meaning that I, more than the others, try to stay informed about grades and progress and other school issues. I email and call teachers from time to time, when it seems helpful or necessary. We all do some encouraging and pushing and what I'm sure even feels like nagging to the feral young one (FYO). FYO seems -- probably like millions of her peers -- not to really get it that she is responsible for her shit, or that there IS a relationship between what one does in the last two years of high school and the ability to get into college like you say you really, really, really, really want to. FYO also lies -- perhaps not as much, or not quite as much outright, as when she was 10, but in terms of omission, misleading info, truth withheld, and info manipulated, you bet. Even when she should realize she's going to get caught. Even when the ultimate injury (besides to our trust) is to her own sorry self.
FYO also has many, many issues with the parent of origin, and I can't go into that here. Suffice it to say it's complicated, and it's been rough, and that's why FYO is with us as much as she is. And we've seen a lot of progress in various ways.
But. It's spring of junior year in high school. Fall semester had some bad stuff, and some not-great-grades, and some lying about what was what. I let her know at the end of that semester how pissed I was about the lying, and how it really was not in her own best interest anyway...
So here we are in this semester. I thought/hoped the talks about ditching the bullshit, etc., and taking responsibility might have yielded some fruit. But here's what I wrote to a very close friend just a little while ago:
"
....I'm so steamed at the Demon Child. She's been weaseling and misleading me again about school stuff...after I gave her hell about that sort of behavior last semester. I'm PISSED.I caught up with her math teacher on the phone today... It's been a couple of weeks since K explained her F progress grade in that class by insisting that she had done all the homework but the teacher had failed to enter any grades. I asked K again last night to tell me anything (truthful) else I should know before talking to the teacher, and she went on and on about how frustrated SHE is about not knowing where she stands in that class.But the teacher says -- it was only after the F progress grade showed up that K got busy and showed her any homework at all... and then not all of it... and yes, the teacher did delay a little bit in getting the grades recorded... but even now, K is missing one whole unit's worth of homework plus a quiz. Also? Apparently K misses that class, A LOT, more than I even knew about (I get robocalls from the school *sometimes,* and I pass the info on to K, who usually has an excuse, so I've started just saying "Look, I'm passing along the information that you were marked absent; you do what you need to do to take care of it.")So... I call this lying. We've had many talks with her about what we mean by lying, and that it includes omitting things, spinning things, avoiding things, or telling only part of the truth.Now I'm attempting to get her to agree to stop here on her bus ride home after school, and of course she is waffling. "I can't do that without my mom's permission, and she hasn't answered my text." So I've now left a message for [her mother]. My alternative is that I could drive over to their house tonight (K is with her mom this week) and talk there. K's powers of evasion and avoidance are great -- I think I should now stop being steamed and just sit back and watch how this unfolds.I do plan to tell her if she can't disclose real stuff to me about school, I am OUT of her school life and plans and arrangements. No college trips, no more providing funds for her to take ACT prep classes (which I just did last month), no mediating anything with teachers on her behalf. And I'm sure her mother will agree that if she gets anything below a C this quarter she will have to drop out of her beloved extra-curricular activities. In fact, I'd like to let her mother take the full hit for that.Aaaaarrrrrrrrghhhhhh! This child won't help herself out of a paper bag."
Said 17-year-old is not biologically or legally our child, but she lives with us part-time, and goes to the high school in our part of town (not the one in her mother's part). M and I are both "guardians for school purposes" for her, although her mother is involved in that somewhat as well. But I am the primary designated "school mommy," and have been for at least five years. Meaning that I, more than the others, try to stay informed about grades and progress and other school issues. I email and call teachers from time to time, when it seems helpful or necessary. We all do some encouraging and pushing and what I'm sure even feels like nagging to the feral young one (FYO). FYO seems -- probably like millions of her peers -- not to really get it that she is responsible for her shit, or that there IS a relationship between what one does in the last two years of high school and the ability to get into college like you say you really, really, really, really want to. FYO also lies -- perhaps not as much, or not quite as much outright, as when she was 10, but in terms of omission, misleading info, truth withheld, and info manipulated, you bet. Even when she should realize she's going to get caught. Even when the ultimate injury (besides to our trust) is to her own sorry self.
FYO also has many, many issues with the parent of origin, and I can't go into that here. Suffice it to say it's complicated, and it's been rough, and that's why FYO is with us as much as she is. And we've seen a lot of progress in various ways.
But. It's spring of junior year in high school. Fall semester had some bad stuff, and some not-great-grades, and some lying about what was what. I let her know at the end of that semester how pissed I was about the lying, and how it really was not in her own best interest anyway...
So here we are in this semester. I thought/hoped the talks about ditching the bullshit, etc., and taking responsibility might have yielded some fruit. But here's what I wrote to a very close friend just a little while ago:
"
....I'm so steamed at the Demon Child. She's been weaseling and misleading me again about school stuff...after I gave her hell about that sort of behavior last semester. I'm PISSED.I caught up with her math teacher on the phone today... It's been a couple of weeks since K explained her F progress grade in that class by insisting that she had done all the homework but the teacher had failed to enter any grades. I asked K again last night to tell me anything (truthful) else I should know before talking to the teacher, and she went on and on about how frustrated SHE is about not knowing where she stands in that class.But the teacher says -- it was only after the F progress grade showed up that K got busy and showed her any homework at all... and then not all of it... and yes, the teacher did delay a little bit in getting the grades recorded... but even now, K is missing one whole unit's worth of homework plus a quiz. Also? Apparently K misses that class, A LOT, more than I even knew about (I get robocalls from the school *sometimes,* and I pass the info on to K, who usually has an excuse, so I've started just saying "Look, I'm passing along the information that you were marked absent; you do what you need to do to take care of it.")So... I call this lying. We've had many talks with her about what we mean by lying, and that it includes omitting things, spinning things, avoiding things, or telling only part of the truth.Now I'm attempting to get her to agree to stop here on her bus ride home after school, and of course she is waffling. "I can't do that without my mom's permission, and she hasn't answered my text." So I've now left a message for [her mother]. My alternative is that I could drive over to their house tonight (K is with her mom this week) and talk there. K's powers of evasion and avoidance are great -- I think I should now stop being steamed and just sit back and watch how this unfolds.I do plan to tell her if she can't disclose real stuff to me about school, I am OUT of her school life and plans and arrangements. No college trips, no more providing funds for her to take ACT prep classes (which I just did last month), no mediating anything with teachers on her behalf. And I'm sure her mother will agree that if she gets anything below a C this quarter she will have to drop out of her beloved extra-curricular activities. In fact, I'd like to let her mother take the full hit for that.Aaaaarrrrrrrrghhhhhh! This child won't help herself out of a paper bag."