❲ 01st angel; VOICE ❳
[ once he's further examined his surroundings , Kaworu settles down, exploring the functions of the device and familiarizing himself with as many aspects of it as he can. the locked section of it raised a brow once he tried to open it but he isn't very concerned presently, instead taking stock of the other pilgrims to this foreign prison
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[ elusive indeed. how many scientists, test subjects, taboo and inhumane methods might have been employed in order to collect Adam's soul into his current form? that's his proof, if anything. ]
I'm surprised you'd like to, in all honesty. Maybe I guessed wrong, but I'd previously believed you to be the type who doesn't want to acknowledge something having the potential to be so entirely and irrevocably above you-- unless that's alright, given it's proven to be true?
[ he continues without pause for the answer, however, voice returning to neutral-- though Kaworu would rather let the brunt of his bitterness be heard. ]
My faith is something of a conundrum. It's hard for me to explain to you without a plethora of other things, but-- it is more of a fact to me, rather than an idea I would necessarily place myself under the influence of...rather similar to our discussion on the idea of "destiny".
"God exists within each of us"? ...it's an interesting idea, at least.
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[ maybe it does seem out of character that he'd like to believe in something higher than himself. but to conquer something higher than yourself it has to exist in the first place. and if there is not something or someone to hold dominion over an afterlife should it exist, then what? ... that something higher exists means that the possibility of a life beyond death is available as well. and that's the most important part. ]
I don't have a problem with anything or anyone, having the potential or the proof, of being above myself. That only creates further potential for myself and the things that I can achieve and strive toward. Maybe I wouldn't, after all, like the idea of something being unreachable to myself however. Regardless, there are some things that are acceptable for the sake of what their existence would mean for me personally.
[ a fact...? it seems an odd thing to say considering he's just discussed his reliance on proof. that must mean, without a doubt, that he has that much. ]
It's an interesting idea... but it's just an idea? I'm curious about that. You say it's a fact to you, but under what premise?
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[ it's hard for him to decline to say "Lilin", but for some reason he finds himself abhorrent to saying such often around Izaya, for now. ]
Not you, though. Perhaps. I'm unsure if anyone may reach to the gods with their own two hands, but if anything, it requires a strong desire to do so.
[ for all Izaya knows, he could be full of shit and the hypothetical. Kaworu continues all the same, however. ]
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I possess undeniable proof of such.
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regardless, Kaworu sounds pretentious. he sounds like he's more or less, full of shit. but Izaya would like to believe in the possibility that he isn't, because that's something hopeful, too, right?
he chooses to ignore the first question, changes his feed to VIDEO (presented is an expression unlike the smirk easily detectable throughout the conversation, more something akin to the look of excited astonishment he had given Kaworu previously). ]
Will you tell me? I want to know...your proof.
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...when the informant's feed suddenly changes to VIDEO, he has to push down any further reaction from seeping into his expression. in truth, however-- his breath catches at the look on the other's face. this is just the same as what he'd seen the other night, with a different coat of paint-- it's...what he wants...!
taking a breath, his expression levels entirely, and carefully he speaks: ]
Tell me, would you show someone who is almost a complete stranger the inner workings of your heart? Something you find very, very personal, something you can't take back once shown?
[ he shakes his head, and an almost honest look of regret passes his face for a second. ]
Now isn't the time. But if it's any consolation, I can assure you of one thing.
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what Kaworu said though, was precisely the reason that Izaya wouldn't answer his first question so there was nothing he could say to fairly contest to it. that didn't mean he didn't still want to know though. in fact, such a proof was something he would do just about anything to get his hands on. that said, Kaworu interested him more than ever-- because he was curious about him in general as before... and because he might be more useful to him than he had thus far presumed.
the look that crosses his face is barely controlled disappointment shielded by a forced resignation to the fact. maybe not now... now wasn't the time, as Kaworu said. but he would find out. he wouldn't be done with him until he had. ]
And that one thing is?
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--that smile returns at once, and he leans forward just slightly, voice lowering just a notch or two: ]
I have it with me right now, here in Zodion.
[ his tone is anything but teasing. he's honest, and while perhaps this could have been assured by his previous words, it's all an important point-- he has it here, rather than home; he has it with him and that the time isn't "now" but he declined to say "never". ]
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What do I have to do? To get you to reveal the deepest parts of your heart to me?
[ and just like Kaworu, in no way is that a tease, or intended mockingly. ]
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quietly: ]
Is that so hidden of an answer?
[ and slowly, he continues ]
Show yourself to me in return.
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The truth is that I don't want to die yet. There are so many things I've yet to experience in my lifetime. And even if I should live to one hundred, I still will have only experienced the tiniest portion of possibilities. That said, physical laws bind everyone, including myself and I can't fully predict when or how or why the time for that will come, but it will at some point. And when it does, I want to have insurance.
[ the existence of God... of a god of any kind, of an assurance towards a place to end up... ]
The afterlife. I'd rather not discuss it with anyone who doesn't respect its heaviness. But I can tell that you do. When I die, if I'm dissolved to nothing then I won't exist anymore. And that will be it. If there's something that I can believe in while I'm still alive, if there's something I can gain definite proof of, there's no reason for me to worry. And that's why.
[ honestly, Izaya can't think of a side to himself that's more revealing. there's a twitch, a shake in his hands as he grips the device harder. ]
I know you won't forget how important it is to me.
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Izaya...doesn't want to die? someone so seemingly sensible wants something in most ways unattainable to everyone, unproved just as much-- wants it so badly as to seek a wait to assure it? he is surprised. completely so. this...he hadn't expected this at all when he'd told the other to "show himself in return"-- nothing...like this. if anything it could be called the complete opposite...
it's almost...pathetic. cowardly. lowly-- but isn't, too, it's exciting and unpredictable and this is exactly why he's so intrigued with humans...! ]
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Where are you right now?
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it was completely pathetic-- the most pathetic side to him that existed, at least as far as he was concerned. but he had to think that it was normal, that it was human. there wasn't a single person in the world who could claim fearlessness honestly, just as there wasn't a single person who could claim completely honesty. he didn't have anything to be ashamed of. of course not. ]
My apartment.
[ he's about to ask why but there's still that immediate need to defend himself, at least a little. ]
-- I won't be dying any time soon. In the end, the only one who has control over that is me and I refuse to believe otherwise.
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there's that wrapping, coiling, constricting feeling in him again, and his breath quickens. ]
No, tell me where.
[ specifics. an address. ]
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well, if it meant there was something Kaworu intended to show him, then it was to his benefit, right? ]
Hold on.
[ Izaya forwards him the address, albeit a little uncertain with the sudden shift in Kaworu's attitude. ]
I didn't exactly make an invitation.
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