neural misfire
as of writing im riding out the dying wave of an anxiety attack at the office. the fear and nervousness is still there, but thankfully the twitching and my body has started to calm down. at its height i wanted to just mutilate anyone. you know that feeling at the starting line of a race, your muscles ready and rearing to go run. its like that but for nearly all major muscle groups. the scary part is the event it is anticipating, murder. i suppose this is the logical culmination of all my unreleased hate and anger. ive managed to hold it back, but i grow weary and even more scared. how long can i keep akito in check? the medicine no longer works well. ive suffered an attack yesterday on the way home and i took my medicine later that night just so i can sleep. usually the effects would carry over to the whole of the following day. it only lasted for a brief part of the morning. part of me wonders what will happen if my will eventually breaks, part of me no longer cares; tired of holding back.
one of the worst parts of these attacks is that you're never too sure where and when they'll hit. while i do have an idea of what triggers them, i can't just tell everyone to not do those things the trigger an attack. especially considering some of those things are fairly ordinary things. but yeah, location and time is troublesome. away from home, theres nothing for the mind to hold onto. no sense of security, no safety net to help calm the mind. worse, to the outside world, you seem to be just some crybaby. they think a simple "relax!" "just chill" and simple words can fix it. their ignorance leads them to over-simplify matters that can easily turn messy. and bloody. im not sure if i should be glad that im not the type that cuts himself as a way of coping. sometimes i just wish i was of weaker will. lately, ive been wanting to actually let akito loose. just to see what he's capable of. just to show this matter is larger than what most people think it is.
one of the worst parts of these attacks is that you're never too sure where and when they'll hit. while i do have an idea of what triggers them, i can't just tell everyone to not do those things the trigger an attack. especially considering some of those things are fairly ordinary things. but yeah, location and time is troublesome. away from home, theres nothing for the mind to hold onto. no sense of security, no safety net to help calm the mind. worse, to the outside world, you seem to be just some crybaby. they think a simple "relax!" "just chill" and simple words can fix it. their ignorance leads them to over-simplify matters that can easily turn messy. and bloody. im not sure if i should be glad that im not the type that cuts himself as a way of coping. sometimes i just wish i was of weaker will. lately, ive been wanting to actually let akito loose. just to see what he's capable of. just to show this matter is larger than what most people think it is.